FREE WILLY
In my dad's car on the way to Great Uncle Salvatore's do I was idling whistling the theme tune to The Godfather.

"Stop that!" My dad demanded.

"What?" I asked, coiling my arm round my girlfriend, Jo's shoulders in the backseat, my other hand resting on her thigh, trying to figure out the best way I could get my fingers on her clit without her noticing (fucking impossible, that is, by the way). "Not now," Jo whispered in my ear. "But definately later," and she gave my hand a curt squeeze.

"Your Great Uncle Salvatore is NOT in the Mafia!" said my mum, sitting up front in the passenger seat next to my old man.

"If you say so..." I said, edging my fingers a little closer to Jo's furbox - until she slapped my fingers away.

Curses! Foiled again!

Jo and I were visiting my parents in Lesina, southern Italy. It was FUCKING HOT, hotter than Angelina Jolie wanking off in a sauna with a jalapeno pepper hot. And the four of us had packed into the shitty little Fiat to go and visit Great Uncle Salvatore in Foggia, the next town along. Big Uncle Salv runs a textile firm and is fucking loaded, apparently. He was having a bit of a do for the relatives to celebrate some textile industry award he'd been given. Though the only thing I can think Big Salv might win is 1st place in a 'looking like Fat Tony out of The Simpsons' pagent. He was just, in my humble opinion, well fucking dodgy.

A free meals always nice, but Jo and I were only a couple of months into our relationship and were still going through the joyous, wonderful, amazing fuck-like-horny-drunk-rabbits-on-viagra phase. We'd spent most of our time at the beach, perfecting the fine art of sea fucking. It was ace. But having to go and visit a load of crusty old Italians was not so good. The only reason I'd agreed to go was because, well, I had no choice - but also because it was taking place at the swankiest place in the whole of Foggia, a hotel with a swimmingpool, no less, and a free bar.

Fucking bring it on, I thought.

We got there, parked up, went into the lobby and met up with the bastard ospring of the cast of Goodfellas and Night of the Living Dead aka my elderly Italian relatives. After a bit of chatting Jo and I slinked off.

"We're gonna go find the pool and have a swim," I said to my mum, holding up my satchel containing the swimming gear. My mum waved me off and we were free, well, at least until mealtime.

"We're gonna go through to the dining room now, Spanky," said my mum. "Great Uncle Salvatore's going to give a speech first before dinner..."

Fuck me! Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Jo and I found the pool - inside jobbie with air conditioning, fucking great! We went and got changed and met back up at the poolside. We had the place to ourselves.

Jo eased herself into the still, blue water: "Come on, Spanky! Its lovely..." she purred. Jo was a fine looking girl, her short platinum blonde hair and big blue eyes made her look Manga; and I'd been wanking off over the motorcycle chase scene in Akira since I was a teenager, so it was a dream come true when she agreed to let me fuck her on a regular basis. And I loved Jo with all my heart because she had the tightest cunt I had ever had the pleasure of receiving full entry privilages for. When I was inside her it was like having a big strong man grab my cock and shake it 'hello' for a few minutes before I coughed up my syrupy cock-mixture. Fucking lovely...

I splashed into the pool. We pissed about in the water for a bit, then Jo pinned me to the side of the pool and started rubbing her tits on my nips. "Shall we have a go at the underwater lurve?" she asked, reaching down and stroking my sea snake. Evidently she meant what she'd said in the car earlier. "Doesn't look like we'll be disturbed and no one can see what we're doing in here anyway even if someone does come in..."

I liked her reasoning and I didn't need to be asked twice, I felt my cock hardening at the thought of fucking my very own super sexy mermaid woman (only without the weird fish lower body thing going on). I felt Mr Stiffy rise to the occasion and tug against the fabric of my trunks.

Time to Free Willy, I thought.

I reached down and pulled down my trunks, Jo ground onto me, banging my arse hard and repetatively against the side of the pool. Again and again and again. With such force I could hear the banging resonate round us for ages afterwards.

BANG-BANG-BAAANNNGGG-BAAANNNGGG-BBBAAAANNNNNGGGG !!!

We'd had a bit of a snog, I'd twisted Jo's incredibly long and pointy nipples like the dials on a 1950's radio for a bit, we'd had a bit of rubbing-her-twat-on-my-cock-through-her-bikini-bottoms action.

Now it was time to get down to some serious hardcore underwater Stingray-style fucking.

I eased Jo's bikini bottoms down and played my fingers over her fleshy beef curtains; I hammered away at her clit with my fingers like I was playing chopsticks on the piano. Jo reciprocated in kind, she grabbed my hard torpedoe, jacked me off for a bit, and prepared for a hot n salty underwater breech.

And then I realised something a bit odd.

The banging was still going on...

BANG-BBBAAAANNNNGGGG-BBBBBAAAAAANNNNNNNGGGGGGG !!!

But Jo was no longer grinding onto me, slamming my arsecheeks against the poolside.

Weird...

Anyway, back to the vagina in question - after a few failed attempts I slid into Jo (getting your cock in someone underwater is harder and requires more training than performing your average spot of keyhole surgery, complete with endoscope, a kinky little mask, and a fashionable pair of rubber gloves), and Jo bobbed about ontop of me for a bit, harpooned like a prize tuna (only with tits).

And then my dad burst into the pool room. Followed by my mum and several random relatives looking like extras geriatric extras from The Sopranos.

"SPANKY!!!" Screamed my dad, his nostrils flaying. "STOPPIT!!!"

Jo jumped, so did I. We hurried back into our swimming. After a few moments trying to figure out how everyone knew what we were up to, we clambered out the pool and, sheepishly, went and got dressed and slinked into the dining room, ready to here the great man, Fat Tony - I mean, Great Uncle Salvatore's speech.

And I looked up.

And I gulped.

The entire righthand wall of the dining room had a picturesque view. It was blue, it was watery, it was see-thru; some kind of toughened glass. It was the side of the pool where Jo had had me pinned moments earlier.

The crowd of relatives smirked at us. My dad came up and said wearily:

"Didn't you hear me banging on the glass?"

I shook my head, Jo went bright scarlet. We took our seats quickly. Great Uncle Salvatore did not look too fucking pleased, to say the least.

Later in the evening, Jo and I were still sat ridgid, trying to be invisible and waiting for the time when we could leave, when one of the elderly relatives, a little old lady - had no fucking idea who she was, some great aunt or other - came up to me and grabbed my hand.

In very broken, heavily Italian accented English she said knowingly:

"You should be ashamed!" Shit - I thought - here we go. But she squeezed my hand and continued: "You should be ashamed of your arse! Its too hairy! You should shave it..." She glanced at Jo with a look of pitty. "I'm sorry about his hairy arse," she said to Jo.

And then she fucked off, leaving me wondering how the fuck your supposed to shave your own arse, and shuddering at the thought that this old crone had seen my arse in the first place.

"Do you like my arse, Jo?" I asked.

"Shuttup," she replied...
( SpankyHanky, Sun 26 Apr 2009, 23:29, 14 replies)

have a click.....
....if only for 'hotter than Angelina Jolie wanking off in a sauna with a jalapeno pepper hot' :)
(flyme, Sun 26 Apr 2009, 23:42, closed)

^ THIS ^
Although it has made me change my order next time I go to Subway
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 15:18, closed)

Fuck me!
Brilliant!
(Lizard King, Sun 26 Apr 2009, 23:54, closed)

Now it was time to get down to some serious hardcore underwater Stingray-style fucking.
Made me LOL! Thanks, Spanks
(Grrrrr Tigers, Sun 26 Apr 2009, 23:56, closed)

its cos of posts like this
that i dont enter cos its pointless trying to beat you!
( Lord_Munkee, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 1:40, closed)

Is there something you are trying to tell us here?
"When I was inside her it was like having a big strong man grab my cock and shake it 'hello' for a few minutes before I coughed up my syrupy cock-mixture. Fucking lovely..."
( Lord Gnome, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 3:38, closed)

"harpooned like a prize tuna (only with tits)"
That does it for me, quick, take this *click* before I drop it from laughing...

EDIT: and how could I forget "I'm sorry about his hairy arse"... priceless :D
( chart cat has an itch, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 6:54, closed)

Whatever you do
dont try and shave your arse. You'll probably end up cutting your balls off! HeeHeeHee!
(Milly One, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 8:09, closed)

Laughed my arse off at
wanking over Akira motorcycle chase! Great!
(Errin C, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 9:31, closed)

I may stop reading your posts....
as if I continue to do so, I will inevitably get sacked due to officelols.
(TheColonel, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 11:30, closed)

Buonissimo!
Auguri!
( Sonic the Hedgetrimmer doesn't care what you think, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 11:44, closed)

grazie infinite, grazie molte
buddy...
( SpankyHanky, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 12:34, closed)

Amazing...
... simply amazing.

I just love your consistency, (erm, that doesn't sound right does it?) every post from your good self has me chuckling away madly whilst attempting (and failing) to hide my mirth from my colleagues.

Cheers

*click*
(Rotimer was micturating windward at, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 13:10, closed)

YES!!
Bless you, Spanky
(SoneMe, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 23:34, closed)