Ow!!!
Many years ago I was at a seminar with some work colleagues the days proceedings had finished and we were in the bar having a few drinks.
In walks a guy we vaguely knew with some stunning bit of stuff, we are all chatting away when Clive starts nudging me and says she looks really familiar, I say so ask her then which he does.
This woman looked like an angel, when she opened her mouth she talked like a docker, starts listing her acheivements in the modelling world, Vogue, She, lots of ads etc, and just to round off she says "I,ve been on page 3 of the Sun, at which point another colleague turns round and says.

"Yes you can tell its not a quality newspaper"
(raith50, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 16:44, Reply)

This

(username failed moderation, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 16:42, 12 replies)

I had a double glazing salesman at my door the other day.
He'd obviously seen that my porch door was missing. Before he could get started with any of his banter, I just said "No thanks, I haven't got any money."
It must've been way outside the usual bounds of expected answers as it worked a charm - he just stood there dumbfounded as I wished him a good day.
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 16:27, 1 reply)

Bumped into Gary Neville the other day
"Bet you'll be glad when this Movember thing's over eh Gaz"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 16:22, Reply)

No me, my grans fav
Och, Him/Her a waste of good food.
(fire_exit, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 16:08, 22 replies)

omgomgomGGGGG!!!!!
this guy once said y r u so fat n i sed lol cuz evry time i fuk ur mum she gives me a cake lol
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 16:07, 2 replies)

you're about as much use as anne frank's drum kit

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 15:59, 2 replies)

You, sir, are a waste of spunk.
This is officially my favourite put-down ever.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Wed 30 Nov 2011, 15:42, 3 replies)

He won't be getting any for a while....
My mate John's fiancee posted on to Facebook...

"What a day. Don't know if I'm coming or going"

John responded...

"If it helps, when you're coming you look like a special-needs kid trying to whistle".

Lovely mental image there.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 15:39, 10 replies)

If you're going to insult someone...
... it's probably best to make sure you understand the word you're using. Unless the person you're trying to insult doesn't understand it either.

We were a class of 12 and 13-year-olds whiling away a fairly ordinary lunchtime. Two of our number - let's call them T and B, because that has something to do with their actual initials - had been winding each other up for days. From out of the window of the form-room, we could see B hurtling down the corridor, with T in hot pursuit. B made it through the door, but wasn't fast enough to shut it behind him - and T was sizeable enough to mean that he'd have been able to force it open anyway.

B tried to hide under a table.
"I dare you to call me that again," T challenged. "Go on! Just try it!"
B said nothing.
"I bet you don't even know what it means!" T continued.
B regained his nerve. "I bet you don't, either."
T lost his momentum for a moment, and then saw a dictionary on the table across the room. (This was the kind of school where the idea of settling disputes with a dictionary was unusual, but not utterly beyond comprehension. This may explain quite a bit abut how I became the verbose pedant I currently am.)
"Right," he ordered the person sitting closest to the dictionary. "I need to know how hard to hit B for what he just called me. Look up 'virile', and tell me what it means."

B did escape a black eye; but he didn't escape a red face.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 15:25, 2 replies)

Honest reports
As an Army Cadet at 14 years old, I was described as a piece of Stilton. "rare, an acquired taste and matured with age" I took this to mean that I was Rare, I HAD an acquired taste, and I'd ALREADY matured with age. I'd shown the report to anyone who'd listen by the time someone pointed it out.

Still, my friends report was a bit more blunt:
"Should a village ever lose it's idiot, he should be despatched as an immediate replacement."
(sunray18, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 15:11, 12 replies)

Excretion v. Defacation
My sister, I am ashamed to announce in a public forum frequented by people I've never met, is a huge fan of the Twilight "books". I once conluded, and I like to think won, an argument about their literary merits by announcing "I did a shit earlier which made for better reading than Twilight".

I'm not sure if this counts as a put-down, as it was an entirely factual statement. I'd been eating Alphabetti Spaghetti.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 14:59, 16 replies)

God botherer bandwagon....
Thought I'd jump on....walking across my local town square, load of god botherers handing out leaflets, one woman, late fifties I reckon approaches me, thrusts leaflet towards me and asks:

"Do you have enough love in your life?"

"Sorry darling, you're not my type, I'm not into the whole mature thing"
(repooc, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 14:56, 8 replies)

Cross Words
My flat mate asked for help with a piss easy crossword clue. I told her the answer in a how-can-you-not-know-that voice.

She said "You don't have to be so sarcastic" to which I responded "The word you are looking for is condescending"
(kingnutter, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 14:48, 3 replies)

My brother
was staying home alone, bored out of his skull when the phone rang. Turned out to be a salesman for whatever company. Well, my brother started asking a lot of questions about the product, acting incredibly interested. After having to talk about technical specs, warranty issues and things like that for more than 20 minutes the salesman feels it's about time to close the deal and starts asking about name and adress and such. Brother replies "Oh I'm sorry but I'm only 16 and can not make any kind of legal agreement with you"
(Rebooted Frazer Smoothly scrolling since, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 14:45, Reply)

fine dining
A mate (let's call him Jim-Bob) and I were being talked to by an oyster fanatic one day. This was fair enough, as we were in his seaside eating and drinking establishment, aka an oyster bar.
When not on the internet I try to be polite (obvioiusly this habit needs to be cast to one side on this board)and there was much nodding and "Oh, yes, really?" going on. It was becoming a bit of a struggle really, we just wanted to have a few drinks and look at the sea (preparing for old age, if you will...or perhaps old age for Captain Birdseye). Jim-Bob is normally a gobshite, at the best of times, but on this occasion he was eerily quiet, listening as I was to the pros and cons of various ways to eat, drink and possibly inject oysters for sensory pleasure. The fellow began to think we were genuinely interested and went to get some free oysters for us to try. Jim-Bob looks him square in the eye, and says "No thanks mate, I've had a cold before".
(impossibly witty twat No, YOUR Mum etc etc, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 14:43, 2 replies)

Are we expanding to fit in stopping religious types in their tracks, then?
In that case, have this:

Whilst walking home from w*rk one evening a couple of Mormons pulled up alongside me on bicycles. One of them proceeded to ask me all the usual stuff about whether I'd devoted my life to Jesus, etc etc etc.

I was tired, hungry, cold and a bit grumpy so I said "Look, will this take long? Only my boyfriend's just texted me to say that dinner's ready, and I'm starving!"

They cycled away, one of them looking back over his shoulder at me occasionally*



*I'm not sure why; it looked like he was doing it in fear, but I wasn't being menacing...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 14:12, 17 replies)

Not so much a put-down, as a send-down...
In the hospital corridor a few minutes ago, a couple of young lads approached me.

"S'cuse me mate" said one of them, "Where's fingy?"

After more seconds than was comfortable of staring blankly at him wondering what to say he continued "Children's hospital?"

So I sent him straight down to the Children's hospital. That put him in his place, I can tell you!
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Fruity boy!
Tenuous, but Moonies post reminded me.

When she was about 2, little cloud was playing makeup with mum and wanted to put lipstick on me. As I declined she asked Do boys not wear lipstick? Off the cuff, I replied "Only fruity ones."

It stuck for a while that 'fruity boys wear lipstick' likely because it used to raise a chuckle, but soon faded away.

The other week, my niece was watching music channels and little cloud pipes up. Is that a girl or a boy? Niece says that's Justin Beeber (she's 13 and a big fan).
"Tristan beeper? That's a funny name for a girl!" much hilarity and piss taking of teeny fandom ensued.

Yesterday walking to school (little cloud is 5 now) she begins from nowhere. Mam, you know that man on the radio.
No, who?
Tristan Beeper.
Who?
Tristan Beeper!
Right...
He's a fruity boy.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 13:57, 4 replies)

A few - well 20 years ago...
With my younger brother in the garden we were inventing some new ball game, you know the sort... smack it into your young brothers face, bounce off it off a window and onto some specified slab. Rinse and repeat... My brother wasn't too good at this particular game, but I kept getting 'points'.

Feeling quite proud of myself, I decided to put myself down. With the great quote - 'Dick, stop styling my cramp'. Bum tssshhhh!
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 13:55, 6 replies)

Devastating all-of-you-get-down-and-give-me-thirty
I was in the cadets, and also in the middle of trying to be a punk, and as such had a load of crap around my wrist - a piece of bike chain, plastic six-pack holder, bracelets, etc etc.

It was a hot summer, and we were in short sleeve order.

We went to stay with the proper corps for a week, to get a feel for what it was like, and so on the first morning we were up, ready and on parade, and the RSM inspected us.

Getting to me, and, on looking down and seeing my wrist, his eyes bulged, and he screamed at me "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT AT THE END OF YOUR ARM?!"

Looking down, I stated what I saw. I swear to god I was not trying to be clever.

"MY HAND SERGEANT!"

Add thus we all had to get down and give him thirty.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 13:50, Reply)

more RAF stuff
the RAF stories reminded me of this one ...

a friend of mine is ex-RAF, originally joining up intending to be a pilot & duly embarking on flying training. by his own admission, he was not the most naturally gifted of aviators - highlights include landing at the wrong airfield during a training flight, & attempting a high-speed pass with his airbrakes on. since he was never going to cut it as a pilot, he was dropped from flight training & went on the have a successful, not-piloting career in the service

some years later, when Freedom of Information, Data Protection, or somesuch thing came in force, he was allowed to see the reoprts submitted by his flight training instructors, which he hadn't been allowed to see at the time. the final report, leading to his being dropped from training read simply:

"***** has all the mental agility of a stunned stoat"
(weaselinajetengine, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 13:26, Reply)

Topical
A Banker, a School Teacher, a Tory MP and a Daily Mail reader are sat around a table. In front of them is a plate, on which there are ten biscuits. The Banker scoffs nine of the biscuits, then the Tory turns to the Daily Mail reader and whispers in his ear "Watch out, that teacher is after your biscuit"
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 13:24, 22 replies)

I told them they were a no-one, nowhere, washed-up baby who'd look better dead.
I even wrote a song about it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 12:54, Reply)

Not so much a put-down as a brick wall across their mental motorway
On the continuing theme of "Ways to deflect bible-bashers", the only time I've managed to render one speechless happened entirely by accident. I was reading a philosophy textbook, in particular about how we experience the world only through our senses and therefore can't be sure that anything actually exists. At that moment there was a knock on the door.

I was confronted by the usual cheap polyester suit and slightly-too-large smile, and before I could even greet him, chummy launched into his spiel, which started along the lines of "Have you ever noticed how wonderful God's creation is?", with a sweeping arm to indicate the world around us.

"I'm sorry," I replied, without thinking, "I don't believe in the Universe."

After clarifying that I did indeed mean what he thought I meant, he simply stared at me for a moment, then wandered off.

Up until that day, I bet he thought he had an answer for everything.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 11:58, 6 replies)

The girl is crafty like ice is cold.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 11:36, 6 replies)

Similar to the story by Mind Bleach
I like to think I'm of the open-minded minority of the population. I enjoy learning, and when I encounter anyone who's religious beliefs differ to my own I often enjoy a good discussion about it.

However, I loathe being preached to, or having the God-botherers ram fire and brimstone down my throat. This day was not unlike most others, after all I live in Wales. It always rains, and excitement is a word that isn't often brought up in the local rags. I was walking down the highstreet in Bangor, when I happened to see a suited religious person heading my way.

Usually, my appearance, and the fact I enjoy crossing roads to avoid sales people (I know it's their job. I used to do it, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone) but this person was heading towards me like an unstoppable locomotive rammed with Christian joy(other religions are available). He barely had a chance to open his mouth, and I'll never know where my retort came from as I'm useless when it comes to clever and witty responses. Out it came "no thanks, I'm a satanist."
(vampyre_gem has been dead since, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 11:05, 7 replies)

Drunks are funny... and confusing
The girl who lives in the flat next to mine is a bit of a drinker, and has on many occasions come back to hers totally steaming and has all the stealth of an elephant.
Last night was one such occasion, only she stopped short of her flat and tried to get into mine. Cue much rattling of the door and cursing and hammering - at about 2am, so I go to point out her error as politely as possible.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I demand.
Slight pause in the door assault, "What ya doin in my fuckin flat??"
"This is my flat, you live next door you dosy bitch!"
Longer pause whilst this sinks in, "Yeah... Well don't you fuckin forget it neither!"

Not quite a put down, but it shut me up.
(Cydonija well it sure as shit ain't sad, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 10:48, 3 replies)

Apropos of nothing in particular
"Your mum" wins all arguments, and should be used in the House Of Commons more.

"Might I suggest ... "

*jeering*

"MIGHT I SUGGEST THAT ... in light of the current figures, that the Right Honourable Member may like to consider that, were it not for the statistics which he quotes in his own report ... he wouldn't be in this situation in the first place?!"

*cheers, applause, bravo*

...

"Ya mum."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 10:29, 5 replies)

Not really a put-down
Lunch break at a former workplace, sat in the staff room, slightly dim female colleague complains that the Radio Times she's leafing through doesn't have the listings for Channel 4 +1.

I tell her "Think about it - 4 + 1 is Channel 5."

Took her a minute.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 10:28, 3 replies)