My dad worked as a roofer. He particularly liked doing the edges and hated synthetic materials.
He loved a real eave.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 21:49, 5 replies)

The one word heading makes it difficult to pun
but here goes.
I've been collecting rare plants for a long time but the market is saturated with very realistic fakes. You can imagine how I felt recently when I got my latest acquisition home to discover the vegetation was very plasticky. Needless to say when it was proven genuine...What a real leaf.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 20 Dec 2012, 21:46, Reply)

I always look forward to spring, when the trees are once again covered in green again.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 21:32, 6 replies)

I've just done a massive shit.
*poster's name here* was FABULOUS.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 21:16, 1 reply)

When my son was born
he had been in some distress after a very long labour, he was blue and not breathing, the panic around me was horrific. People rushing around and taking him straight to the equipment that could save his life, instead of placing him in my arms. I had no idea what was going to happen.
That joyous feeling when he finally took that first gasp of life saving air, was the most relived I had ever EVER been.
He topped it a few days later however, when the teeny tiny amount of fluffy hair on his head turned out to be blonde instead of ginger.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 20:50, 2 replies)

I was walking back from the beach last month, carrying my two year old daughter in my arms
In an unfortunate series of events that all happened in the blink of an eye, I stepped in a pothole I hadn't seen, and dropped to my knee, the inside of my arm caught on a standing pole, ripping my bicep and causing me to throw my little girl forwards. she went down with the back of her head hitting the street. I rushed to check on her but she wasn't moving, as I lifted her I saw an unluckily placed cube of stone right where her head would have impacted. I'm a tall bloke and when I thought about the impact, "Fuck, I've killed me daughter" was what went through my mind. She moved a bit as I raced on foot with her in my arms to find a hospital. Anyway, to cut a long story short, after a nervewracking day of scans and waiting, it turned out she wasn't dead, and wasn't going to see out her days in a persistent vegetetive state while I drank myself to death because of the guilt, but just had a concussion. It was a relief.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 20:49, 2 replies)

I done raped an elephant, what was scary at first, but in the end he seemed to enjoy it and even gave me a reachatrunkaround

( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 18:39, 10 replies)

I was relieved when the mix tapes question closed.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 20 Dec 2012, 18:20, 3 replies)

I recently purchased a large vacuum cleaner as a present.
However, after a week it developed a problem, and I was annoyed as I had thrown out the packaging and instructions, and didn't know how to fix in. I checked in the recycling bin, and found the book of instructions, and was able to rectify the error, thus saving my vacuum cleaner.
So that was my manual relief.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 18:04, Reply)

At the end of a reasonably enjoyable holiday in Barcelona
Whilst waiting for our flight home I decided to nip to the bogs for a preflight download. After producing what felt like a sizeable trout I rose and glanced (as one does) bowlward...only to see the blackest arse missile I had ever witnessed. Suddenly the cubicle felt very small (well smaller anyway) and I started to break out in a cold sweat, what had I always heard about black shit: bowel cancer, ruptured intestines, missing gerbils. Every manner of medical horror rampaged through my confused brain. I staggered out of the lavabos, ran to my girlfriend and confronted her with the imminent loss of her beloved. She looked at me with one of those looks I would later come to recognise as absolute contempt and said, "Do you know, it could be bowel cancer...or it could be the squid ink paella you ate last night, you twat!"
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 20 Dec 2012, 17:35, 2 replies)

My mate Misery Dave.
Life and soul of the party but bad things just seem to happen around him mainly due to his dodgy eyesight.

One holiday somewhere warm and very foreign he was snorkelling quite a way out to sea when he catches a glimpse of a fin in the distance. As he's a powerful swimmer he double-times it back to shore where there's the typical mass of children paddling around. Grabbing as many as he can he manhandles them onto the shore wearing his flippers and goggles shouting,"Shark! Shark!"

He then proceeds to evacuate as many children as possible from the sea to the confused protestation of the natives who clearly couldn't understand a word of his gibbering whilst waving his arms out to sea.

Shortly someone who could speak english approaches him and revealed,"It's a dolphin."
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 16:01, Reply)

i remember this one time i was driving through kentish town and i hit a dog.
a colly if i recall. anyway, much to my relief no one saw me when i lobbed it over the fence into someone's back garden.
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 15:43, 5 replies)

I was in a friend's car going through Finsbury Park once
when there was a sickening bump/crunch as we pulled away from the lights.

Looking out of the rear windscreen it was apparent that we'd driven over a tramp, who was decked out in the road, wailing, in a horrible puddle. The cunt had been lying in the road, in a dark coat and was nigh on impossible to see (luckily there were plenty of witnesses to support this).

It was fucking sickening - this dark pool around him getting bigger and bigger and the geezer moaning and groaning like one of Emvee's spasticated 'I'm a zombie' prick mates. Convinced we'd done for him we walked nearer to check, when we realised the dude was licking at the puddle - what we thought was blood was a burst can of Kestrel Super. The sense of relief was overwhelming, and I've never been so pleased to be verbally abused by a smelly vagrant in my life.

Luckily we had still broken his pelvis so it wasn't a total loss. But fuck me I can still instantly recall the thud and the crunch when we drove over that slag, and it freaks my nut out to this day.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 15:33, 1 reply)

Bit of a pea
When I was camping in wales I was rudely disturbed from a post coitus nap by the girlfriend shrieking that the car had gone from outside the tent.
Popping my head out revealed that indeed the car had gone.

"How the hell could someone nick a clattery old Mini from right outside our tent without us knowing?"

Then as a cold chill went down my spine I recalled the slightly dodgy handbrake and the fact we were at the top of a hill with a whole load of other tents in below us.
Barely daring to look at the carnage I was expecting to see I peeked round the tent flap to see my car a good 100 metres away parked between 2 other tents with an arc of fresh tyre tracks leading from outside our tent to it's current destination.

I quickly ran down, retrieved the car before anyone could see what had happened and we vacated the place the same evening.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 15:27, 1 reply)

I'm relieved that mostly decent, relevant stories made the best page last week's QFTW, despite several attempts to sabotage it.
Trolls gonna troll. Perhaps QFTW is not dead?
(King Nightmare, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 14:59, 23 replies)

Dead dog in the garden
Years back when I lived in Kentish Town, I woke one day to find that someone had dumped a decaying collie in our back yard. Holding a hankie over my mouth and nose, I went out to have a look. Definitely a dog, with all horrible dirty, matted fur. Definitely not moving. So I did what any sensible man would do under the circumstances and went to get a stick to poke it with. It was squidgy. But applying just a tiny amount more pressure caused the whole thing to flip over and some bad words to come out of my mouth, as I really hadn't been expecting that.

It was a disturbingly realistic life-size stuffed toy. It looked like it had been left outside for months and so, for whatever reason, someone had decided to hoy it over our fence to get rid of it.

We kept it in the garden for ages - it became our house mascot/pet and visitors would often double-take when glancing out of the kitchen window - "Oh that? Yeah, that's just our dead dog."

I think it went on the bonfire in the end.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 14:56, 27 replies)

not sure if a pearoast but ...
Walking to college one morning feeling slightly iffy after a night on Jack Daniels in a mate’s house.

Oh maybe a nice fart will help, it was then half way across a football field that I realised what I thought was a fart wasn't. This was going to be bad, very very bad.

I started running towards the building and threw open the door. My palms were sweaty and I could feel the clench I had slowly letting go.

Dashing through faster than anyone has ever ran through a college I get to the toilets and go for the nearest one.

Seeing the toilet my insides started getting ready to evacuate as I scrambled for the lock and then worked on my belt. Time was running out and my body was of the opinion that there was a toilet why can't I let go yet. My hands fumbled and just managed to bare my arse and get it over the porcelain throne.

I erupted, pebbledashing the inside with a brown scattering of excretion. The relief I felt I had never felt before or since.

I do feel sorry for someone a few stalls down who thought it was quite funny at the start till the smell hit him and his HAHAHA turned to HURK, followed by coughing and a quick exit.

Length? To messy to measure
(Samantha Bricks Better half done a poo on, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 14:46, 5 replies)

10am. This very morning.
Just had a coffee, as per usual. Casually going through my emails, deleting anything that looks important. Anything to get out of the crushing boredom that makes up the day. For you see, time runs slower here. There is a thicker kind of reality, as if the second hand on the Universe Clock is struggling through treacle. I feel as though today I have lived a thousand days, each one one the same, unpunctuated by night. A stagnant hell from which the only hope of escape is from time itself; the enemy, grim custodian to this eternal prison. Then, suddenly, a gift from a greater power. A pressure, then writing pain in my guts, a solitary light of sensation cutting through this dark abyss of numbness and boredom like a scythe. I knew what I had to do.

Anyway basically I went and done a massive shit. Now I'm bored again.
(brutal stack Raided the beeves of Apollo on, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 14:16, Reply)

All of the pages in the book fell out
..but i managed to replace them.
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 14:13, Reply)

Old Pink Marigold glove...
...looks JUST like a severed hand when seen floating towards you about 6 inches under the surface whilst you are splashing around in the sea.
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 14:11, Reply)

The body in the road
There, in front of us, illuminated by the headlights was... Something. Something dreadful that had clearly been run over.

"Is it a cuddly toy?" asked Jane, peering through the windscreen, trying to make out what she saw there. "Oh," she said, horror on her voice, "I think it's an animal. Go and look."

I harboured no immediate plans to go and look, and told her so. For I am a coward of the first water, and I did not fancy putting some poor creature out of its misery above half.

"But what if it's somebody's pet? They'll need to be told, and... Oh god, I just saw it move."

I got out, and approached my quarry, fear heavy on my chest like funbags on a Katie Price. The ears on the thing twitched in the light breeze, just making the ordeal worse for me. Dog? Cat? Rabbit? Something eldritch and squamous and not of this world? Ugh...What's that big tear down its side? I can see its insides and... Oh my Christ it's awful... It's... It's a plastic carrier bag filled with rubbish and tied up with a bunny-ears knot.

All that fear wasted, I kicked it into the kerb.

And found it was full of kittens*.

*It was not full of kittens

Much longer version HERE which will make you SOIL YOUR UNDERPANTS WITH FEAR
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 13:52, 3 replies)

Last year, we bought our Christmas tree too early
And all of the needles dropped by the 20th.

I didn't want the family to be let down, so I spent the whole day glueing them back into place. It looked OK.

That was a releaf.
(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 13:43, 5 replies)

/talk..
No! Wait... /links
(stealthbanana, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 13:29, Reply)

A tin of Celebrations was handed round at work, I put a few in my pocket for later.
Many hours pass, and suddenly I remember the chocolate. Hand goes into pocket, but all I feel is a warm sticky mess.
Suddenly rememebered that I'd transferred the confectionary to my desk drawer earlier, and all that had happened was I had shit myself.
Right up me back it was.
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 13:18, Reply)

I was in an art gallery
populated with modern sculpture and conceptual pieces. The entire show was aimed at given children an insight into art and most of it was fun, despite being somewhat pretencious. I noticed that after turning into the main display area that one piece situated about thirty feet from me appeared to be a large spunking crudely drawn cock embossed into tin foil. I was incredibly surprised and immediately went to have a closer inspection. Rather than being a cock, it appeared to be a rather childish picture of a rabbit. It wasn't even embossed. According to the label, it had innocently been created by an art student by using a toothpick to carefully create indentations to form a picture.

I was actually really impressed by the quality of the work.

What a relief!
( Muns, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 13:16, 9 replies)

All week,
I have managed to stay about from his bins. I dread to think what might have happened, otherwise.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 13:10, 3 replies)

Your mum?
Nah, still pretty grim.
(Ronnie Spleen MMMMNEURRGH I AM A GAY SPAZ AND I LOVE IT UP MY BU, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 12:54, Reply)

I was brought up in terror
Where if I didn't follow a long and very complex list or rules, many of which contradicted each other, then my soul would be sent to the firey pits of hell for eternity, where I would know nothing but torture for the rest of time. Coupled with this it was reasonable to assume that any wayward behaviour would also directly impact me on an immediate basis - sins would be dealt with swiftly and harshly, and if I even THOUGHT about sex, let alone "played with myself" or touched a girl before we were married, then I was as good as dead.

Imagine my relief on discovering that all of life and existence is just a meaningless coincidence with no purpose whatsoever other than the begetting of my own ego!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 12:50, 4 replies)

1st!
Now that's a relief.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 12:42, Reply)