Wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker
I used to live in a shared house in Wales with my best friend and some other random guy; not strictly a neighbour I know, so if you’d rather be pedantic and move on to the next tale then good luck to you.

Still here? Then I shall continue.

This guy was your archetypal shared house nightmare, would wash up everything except the one fork that you’d used, leave the fridge full of about six milk cartons with a spoonful left in each one but complain if you threw them away, and so on. You know the type.

He would complain bitterly about the slightest noise, if I had my stereo on at whisper volume even on a friggin’ weekend afternoon he’d be knocking at my door demanding I turn it down. I tolerated this for as long as I could, until an abundance of alcohol brought my breaking point waaaayyy down…

One Saturday evening a few mates & I went out for some bevvies, came back and put on some music and got stuck into a few tinnies – believing old dickface was away for a few days – and got rather rowdy, truth be told. However he was in after all, and started banging on the wall to get us to turn it down.

Well, I thought, actually fuck you pal, it’s the first time I’ve been genuinely noisy in the whole time I’ve been here, so how d’you like this? And duly turned up the music to full whack – Born Slippy by Underworld – and the four of us in the room started hammering back on his wall with all our strength, whilst bellowing “wanker wanker” in time with the “lager lager” bit.

He was livid and started following me and my mate round the house generally whingeing, snivelling and wagging his finger. We ignored him as best we could but he kept on, then unfortunately he set himself up rather badly. He whined “I don’t expect to be called a wanker in my own home”. So I said “oh really? Where do you normally expect to get called a wanker then?”

He tried his best to blow his top, but alas we were far too busy holding our sides, hooting, jeering and making “ba-dumm-tss” drumming gestures to give a shit.

He moved out.

Oh and Chris - if you're reading this - you are a wanker.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 17:50, Reply)