RIm tape
not as advertised!

Even tried stuffing the whole lot up, but nothing. Rubbish.
( rofl harris, Thu 17 May 2012, 18:46, 1 reply)

I love the excuses women come out with out when it comes to sex toys
e.g "My friend bought for my birthday. As a joke you understand. I've never actually used it!"

I think the so-called 'ladies' protest just a tad too much.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Thu 17 May 2012, 18:42, Reply)

Sorry no story
But Jim Jeffries seems to go down well here, so I thought I'd post this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=kik7K3wMor0&feature=youtube_gdata_player
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Thu 17 May 2012, 18:07, 2 replies)

My family was so poor,
one Christmas Mom cut holes in the ends of our pockets so at least we'd have something to play with..,
I know you've heard a story like this before, but I swear this one's true.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 17 May 2012, 17:56, Reply)

Nowt wrong............
With a lightly moistened digit up the wrongun at the point of no return!!!
(spinks its only kinky the first time, Thu 17 May 2012, 17:46, 1 reply)

My missus asked me to buy her a vibrator, and always wanting to encourage any interest in sex, I agreed,
I went to a sex shop in Notting Hill, and not having further instruction I picked out a medium-large purple rubbery one (I opted not to get a monster, I didn't fancy going in second or risking permanently over-extending her clunge). However, when I returned home she was disappointed. I'd failed to understand that for something to be called a vibrator, it had to vibrate. What I'd bought was a dildo. I tried to return it, but sensibly they don't accept returns on sex toys, though I'm sure there's at least a market in Japan for used dildos for the enterprising businessperson. I forked out for a shiny chrome vibrator with variable speed. The unwanted purple dildo I tried putting in the hand of statue of a bloke on a horse in hyde park, but the climb was too difficult and I'd attracted onlookers and I bottled it. I ended up tossing it in the Serpentine, where it awaits to this day to rise erect cupped in a ghostly hand, for the rightful King of the Realm
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 17 May 2012, 17:39, 2 replies)

A 'Hello Kitty' vibrator anyone?
NSFW: beaut.ie/blog/2008/the-strange-case-of-the-hello-kitty-vibrator/
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 17 May 2012, 16:24, 4 replies)

There's an old Arab proverb
"A woman for duty
A boy for pleasure
A melon for ecstasy"

I tried it with a melon once, but the woman on the till at Lidl called the police.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Thu 17 May 2012, 15:54, 5 replies)

If stripper stories are allowed
May I recall a gentlemens evening, a number of years ago at a fine establishment in Antwerp . . .

The stripper appeared on stage, and proceeded to remove her clothing. She kept her G-string on, enabling her to solicit tips, the unspoken agreement being when her waistline was satisfactorily festooned with currency, she would take it off.

In due course the cash was deemed sufficient, and she took off her remaining garment, and gyrated for some time in front of the eager crowd. Thrusting and bending to afford the front row an anatomically correct view, she eventually reached the end of her act, which all told had taken perhaps 10 or 15 minutes.

After some cheering and applause, we had started to wonder why she hadn't left the stage. She was just standing there, naked.

All became clear when a cheeky grin spread across her face, she placed her feet about half a yard apart, gave a little push and 3 good sized apples fell out of her minge and rolled across the stage.

Top bird, I'd say.
(username failed moderation, Thu 17 May 2012, 15:36, 7 replies)

Women.
They're objects, right?
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Thu 17 May 2012, 15:36, 2 replies)

Desk tidy
One of these :-
www.impresssurrey.co.uk/Corporate-Gifts/Recycled/Paper/Recycled-Desk-Tidy-DESKTIDY.htm
With a Marigold rubber glove poked down the big tube held on with an elastic band and some Spry-crisp-and-dry poured in. I kept it next to my Spectrum, good times.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 17 May 2012, 15:35, 1 reply)

Make a pot noodle and leave it to go warm
then fuck it. Remember to check that its warm on the inside to avoid scalding. Once finished offer the pot noodle to a mate saying you made it but don't fancy it anymore.
( Peej, Thu 17 May 2012, 15:20, Reply)

Hitting puberty.
As my interest in sex flourished I would often make my Sindy doll do the beast with two backs with a small teddy bear I owned.

She was a slut though. Not like 'Miss butter wouldn't melt' Barbie.
(Jimmy Saville's bitch Is a sucker for gold jewellery, Thu 17 May 2012, 15:12, Reply)

Manchester
Twas in the late 1990’s,

I worked on Merseyside and my boss lived in Manchester but commuted daily.

A top bloke – who played hard and got away with doing as little as possible in work and generally went easy on us..

Back in his locality, he used to frequent a local working mans club for darts and poker and came into work one day saying there was to be a ‘Mens Night’ in his local club and did we all want to go. It would be an evening of blue comedians and strippers. With nothing better to do on a Wednesday night and having the drinking invincibility of youth behind me – I (we all) agreed and purchased tickets for said event.

When we arrived we were quickly aware that we had to keep a low profile as we were in a rough Manchester working-mans Club with Merseyside accents, and a bit of eaves dropping over our first pint confirmed our suspicions that these people did indeed hate anything to do with Liverpool.

The Show started, and as expected, the comedian ripped into everything ‘Liverpool’ and the crowd lapped it up… we stayed close to the back of the room and enjoyed the banter. Then the Strippers came on and did their show… nothing over the top – a professional effort, a bit of audience participation and they got a worthy round of applause. When they finished, (some of you might know where this is going), the MC announced that he would be coming round with a bucket and that if enough money was collected – the strippers would put on a ‘show’. I went up to the bar and whilst all was quiet, I ended up talking to one of the strippers. She too was from Merseyside and upon finding out we had something in common, told me she would ‘sort me out’ when the show started (said with a wink).

I retired back to my table at the back of the room with my mates and kept my head down – she was now in the middle of inserting as many dildo’s as humanly possible into every orifice, much to the delight of the crowd. Then it happened…

“ Ok – I need a volunteer’ she said

All the blokes above the age of 40 had their hands in the air like kids at a party trying to win sweets. She looked around the room. I avoided eye contact.

“Lad at the back with the blue top on – you’ll do” she said

All the pervs looked at me with distain – I’d stolen their moment. I made my way to the stage (clearing on the floor) where I was greeted by the stark naked stripper who its worth mentioning at this point was a good 5’ 11” – not fat, but ‘big boned’. She told me to lie down on the floor on the towel that was laid out. I obliged. It was then she reached for what looked like Fred West’s leather tool bag, she rummaged around pulling out all manner of sex aids until she found what she was after. It must have been a good 17 inches long, Black, with veins and the girth of a standard black pudding.

Without even asking, she told me to open my mouth, she then placed the base of the dildo in my mouth and told me to bite hard. Terror was now sinking in as she straddled over me, she then lowered herself onto the cock and proceeded to sit on my face. Then she started to ride it. Up and down. I was watching this ample clunge move away then rapidly descend towards my face at an increasing rate and with each downstroke, I felt like my teeth were going to be knocked out. Cheers echoed from the audience, I could barely see as my eyes were watering so much. If I was to die, it would have made an interesting headline.

Finally – she dismounted, and pulled the dildo out of my mouth. I was dazed, confused yet a hero amongst the audience. I returned to my seat looking like I’d spent 3 weeks in solitary without food. My jaw ached and my bite had altered slightly. I failed to see how her doing this to me constituted any kind of favour but, ever the gentleman, I said thank you anyway.

She made no apologies about the length…
(Pat mustard, Thu 17 May 2012, 14:52, 7 replies)

Sheep
Do not, having strategically placed a sex sheep in the chair of a welsh colleague, under any circumstances attempt to measure the orifice of said sex sheep with a ruler.

They are longer than 30cm so our ruler was in danger of being swallowed.

Also, when you try to retrive your ruler you give the thing a prolapse and no-one will volunteer to tuck away the clock springs as it were.

5t.
(fivetide, Thu 17 May 2012, 14:26, 2 replies)

Make your own pocket pussy!
Ok so what you want is an empty bottle of coke, a knife, some lube, the inside of a pillow and a condom (maybe a lighter too)

Now don’t feel scared by some of these items it will make sense.

So cut the bottom of the bottle and then use the lighter to ensure that there is no sharp edges that you could injure yourself on (make it nice and smooth).

Take a chunk of pillow inside (roughly same width as the bottle and long enough to wrap up tight in the bottle.

Put the condom in the pillow inside at one edge with the nubby bit at the end hanging out over the end (quite important this!) and unroll it so the condom opening is hanging off the other end.

Roll up the pillow fluff with the condom inside and stuff it into the bottle nub bit towards the cap. When you have it in (fnar fnar) pull the nub out through the top of the bottle and replace the lid screwing it onto the nub effectively holding it in place.

Now you can pull the open end of the condom over the outside of the bottle (this is where the smooth edges become handy as if it was sharp it would just rip it)

Now drop a few drops of lube in and work a passage using your finger.

Insert penis and there you have your very own “pocket pussy”.

Replace condom after every use!
(Samantha Bricks Better half done a poo on, Thu 17 May 2012, 14:25, 9 replies)

Bi Curious Males
Save yourself hours of hanging around toilets or making appointments on Gaydar you've no intention of showing up for by simply buyin one of these and hiding it from the missus:

www.bondara.co.uk/bad-boy-prostate-vibrator

Insert that, get stoned n watch some chicks with dicks vids or whatever else involves blokes getting pegged and doesn't feel too gay to you, should see you right.
( ..wil, Thu 17 May 2012, 13:20, 15 replies)

Sex tips for veggie fiends
A much abridged pearoast of a story I've told before, but the nub of the fact is this:

When given a firm, juicy marrow by elderly neighbours,

* DO NOT consider using it some sort of organic wanking machine,

* DO NOT enter it from one end whilst still excavating it from the other end with a spoon,

and, most importantly,

* DO NOT fill it up with water from the kettle to get it up to body temperature

My friend says it hurts. Yes. My friend. From his bed in the scorched cock hospital.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 17 May 2012, 13:16, Reply)

Monsieur Vagabond's story
just reminded me.

Canestan Cream does make for good lube and stops the lady's gwatch* from itching after you've chucked your muck over it.

* Gwatch (n.) Welsh word for vertical bacon sandwich.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 17 May 2012, 13:02, 2 replies)

oh to hell with that - I just typed up a story for the last QOTW and it closed before I could post it.
No stories for this QOTW, so I'm post the one I just typed, even if it is completely off topic.

I must have been about 9 years old at the time; I had been dragged out to the shops with my mum and sister. As was the way, they decided to visit all the clothes shops in the high-street with me in tow.

We headed into another store, and whilst they flicked though one more selection of garish 1980's fashion, I spied a glass display cabinet housing some mannequins.

With my feet worn through trudging over the hideous, faded pattern carpets and through rails of clothes, I decided to lean up against the side glass and relax a moment. As nonchalantly as I could, I leaned over with arm out to rest.

Of course, what I had failed to notice was that there were no sides to this case. Being careful to obey the laws of physics, I toppled over, clipping one of the dummies which fell forward - luckily not smashing the glass front. I landed in a crumpled heap with a loud thud.

Everyone saw.

Everyone laughed.

No-one helped me up, and all I could do was shuffle off in utter embarrassment.
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Thu 17 May 2012, 12:53, 5 replies)

Your mum's pile ointment
doesn't really work that well as lube.

But I don't mind.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 17 May 2012, 12:50, 4 replies)

the pool cue.
A friend of mine once used the stock end of a pool cue on his missus' lady parts.. He insists he cleaned it first- lets give the 'lady' a chance.. Once finished, he put it back in its case and forgot.. Until about 3 years later when he entered a pool tournament and took the cue with him. The smell was genuinely unique, think seasoned oak and mackerel.. He didn't win.
Length- standard cue.
(bangthedrum, Thu 17 May 2012, 12:47, 6 replies)

I've wondered if sex dolls are used for that purpose,
or just drunken stag parties, and the like? They're so unerotic it's disturbing.
And inflatable sheep? WTF?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 17 May 2012, 12:45, 3 replies)

Fucksocks
Batteries ran out before I could finish
(LetsGetDownToIt, Thu 17 May 2012, 12:40, Reply)

I dun a sex once.
And only the once.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 17 May 2012, 12:40, 1 reply)

I tried Lego once
I've still got the scars
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Thu 17 May 2012, 12:39, Reply)

hmm
Would have to be my Floella Benjamin doll
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 17 May 2012, 12:39, Reply)

2nd
As we all know sex was invented in the '60's - somewhere in California according to the BBC. Since then there have been numerous attempts to improve on it.

For instance, I once bought one of those packs of Johnnies that came with a rubberized ring and had a small oscillator in it. I can't say it made it any better, and I notice that Durex have moved onto other faddy novelties.

I reckon that it really is fun enough as is - it does not need any extra trimmings to make it 'better'.
(justin(e), Thu 17 May 2012, 12:38, 9 replies)

Shall I
post the first sex lie, then?
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 17 May 2012, 12:38, 1 reply)