When I first heard of periods...
I thought they changed colour.

I blame this on an advert featuring (I think) Mel Smith & Griff Rhys Jones as caretakers in a museum. Looking at some buckets and mops etc as if they were a sculpture.

They said they were made during Addis' 'Red Period'

Which confused my tiny little mind so much that I assumed women would have different coloured ones at different times.

'Miss, I can't do Netball today, I have my green period'
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:26, 2 replies)

Kids say the daftest things
Last January, my kids came home from school after the Christmas holidays telling my wife and I all about how the classroom pets had had babies.

During the break there had been mice xmas conceptions.

I'm so very sorry....
(Taunting Lunatics Belming at you since, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:26, 5 replies)

Oh dear
I used to think Condoms were to prevent wet dreams.
(kitescreech still here, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:24, Reply)

I'm obviously doing something wrong
because I have hair where the ladies on YouPorn don't.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:24, 23 replies)

At my primary school...
...there was this rich girl, she showed total disdain for everyone and everything.

Once day, the teacher had clearly just had enough, and she flipped. She shouted something like 'I have had it up to here with you, I am trying to teach you and you just sit staring out of the window like in your in some kind of penthouse'

The kid I was sitting next too piped up 'I'm telling on you miss, she's too young to be in magazines like that'

...and his parents were called into the school to discuss how their five year old son knew what Penthouse was before he knew what a pentouse was.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:21, 1 reply)

Role reversal
When you're younger, the most embarrassing thing that happens is being caught by your lover's parents when you're having sex.

You know you're a grown up when you get caught at it by their children.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:20, 4 replies)

My mate's dad
is a retired Police chief constable in Sunderland.

Into his late sixties he firmly believed the human male had a 'penis bone' that retracted following intercourse.

A fucking CHIEF CONSTABLE. A sobering thought, I think you'll agree.

PS this self same imbecile also believed skydivers are actually flying.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:19, 2 replies)

I don't think he was listening
Earlier this year, I had a fairly brief relationship with a 33 year-old mother of two.
She had two boys aged nine and three.

One day I was in the kitchen and decided to give her a hug while she was doing dishes. She turned round to hug me back when the elder child came in.

Seeing us hugging he said,
"Mummy? Is BK your boyfriend?"
She replied in the affirmative and he said,
"Do you do.....SEX?"
Slightly taken aback she asked if he knew what it was, and he said he didn't and trotted off to smack his little brother over the head with a stick as he was wont to do.

As a result his mum, in her infinite wisdom, decided I was obviously a new and repsonsible father figure in the young spod's life, and decided that the next time I took him out with me to walk the dog that I should give him what she portentously called, The Talk.

Affecting the role of cool, unfazed cool adult, I duly did this. I didn't tell him any stork or cabbage patch bollocks. I told him what the bits were called, where they went, what happened if you put them there, how you could be guaranteed a slap if you attempted to put some bits inside other bits etc. The important stuff.

He nodded sagely, obviously slightly discomfited. I gave him a fatherly and playful chuck on the chin and went to get a beer, pleased at a job well done.

I thought nothing more of it until a week or so later, when we'd taken them and their slightly retarded friend to Blackpool Zoo. We were sat in rare silence on the drive back until the lad piped up from tha back, completely apropos of nothing.

"Mummy? BK says you've got a China!"

I gave her a look that said, "Do your own fucking dirty work next time!"
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:15, 3 replies)

I thought
sex started off slow and then the couple got moving faster and faster until they exploded.

Nearly right. And on occasion it seems to have gone that way and been relatively adequate.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:15, 4 replies)

My psychiatrist sends his regards
My parents are open about sex. Actually, I'll rephrase that. My parents will give you a PowerPoint presentation on the top 10 karma sutra positions while you're eating your corn flakes in the morning. Of all the horrible rules/lessons learnt, here are the most scarring:

- "These are chocolate flavoured condoms. They all taste like strawberries though"

- "If you ever get crabs, they grow into full-sized ones and snip your codger off"

- "If you have sex before you're 18 the girl will instantly be up the duff"

- "If you pee when pregnant, the baby sometimes comes out for air"

90% of all my life lessons came when I just wanted to eat Pop Tarts and watch Captain Planet. I don't talk to my parents about relationships. They still wonder why.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:15, 1 reply)

Prerequisites
When we was about nine, we thought that to 'have a shag' a man had to put a johnnybag on his willy and a woman had to put a tampax on her fanny. I remember us walking to school on a frosty morning (yes, we actaully walked to school in those days) and stopping to stare at a johnnybag that had been discarded on the floor, aghast at one actually looked like. 27 Years later and my friends are successful in their chosen fields whilst I'm still stood at the top of the hill, staring at the floor, looking for the discarded prophylactic.
(Taunting Lunatics Belming at you since, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:13, Reply)

Nevermind where babies come from
Where do they go to?

Damn slippery little buggers!
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:12, Reply)

Age 13 or so
a boy at school told me he spent all his pocket money on dildos. I didn't know what he meant, so he laughed at me and called me a spazmo for not knowing what dildos were.

With hindsight, I think he thought that "dildo" was another word for "condom". So who was really the spazmo?

Probably both of us.
( somegreybloke, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:11, 1 reply)

SEX MAKES YOU PREGNANT!!!111!!eleventy one!!!
Mythconception. Maybe it does when you're 17 and paranoid. When you're in your thirties and your biological clock is ticking like a Death Watch beetle, all the semen in the world doesn't seem remotely interested in getting anywhere near your cervix. The sperm are half-heartedly swimming in circles thinking "can I be assed to go further? Can't we just mill about here enjoying the ambient cosiness of the vagina?"

They don't tell you that in school. They imply that if a boy breathes on you intimately then you'll be with child. They don't tell you about windows of fertility and ovulation and cervical mucus.

I steal children instead.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:09, 8 replies)

I was told "Wanking is the real sex, intercourse is the warm up"
After many months practicing, I do not agree.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:09, Reply)

Sorta relevant..
My sister told me Tampons were for nosebleeds.
Being a nosebleed sufferer, I was then asked to explain myself to bemused teacher who had seen me playing with a (clean) tampon I had taken from my pocket...
Older sisters can be awfull.
(Sir Clitherington Smythe offers him yourself., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:09, 2 replies)

Where babies came from
My mum once told me babies are made inside the tummy. I always used to think the mother needed an operation before the baby was born.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:07, Reply)

I may need to set up a new user name for this one.
Because some people I know read this, and I so far I haven't told any stories I wouldn't be happy to tell them face to face.

but this question may cause that to change...

...eek...

But in the mean time, i'll quote Mark Thomas' misconception

'You know, growing up, I thought it would be great to have a girlfriend.

I couldn't wait until I would have one there all the time, and I could finally stop wanking.

Now that I have one, i can't wait for her to go out so I can start'
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:05, Reply)

The fanny
I used to think it was located on the front behind the hairs of the hairy triangle, and not between the legs.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:04, Reply)

78th
Yes!

I rock.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:03, Reply)

My mammy told me
prostitutes were women who sold their bodies.

I was quite a bit older when I worked out they weren't hacking off a limb to flog to someone.

Other people do hack off limbs for them sometimes, though. And flogging is a whole other market.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:03, 4 replies)

Until I was 9
I thought that men had to put their willies in women's bums to make a baby. Christ knows what I thought a front bottom was for!

Now I'm much older I only wish that's what my girlfriend would let me do...
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:00, 2 replies)

That it would be fun, and free of problems
Yeah right. These days I'd rather have a cup of tea, frankly.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 15:59, 3 replies)

6th
[something about 'Not coming first' here]
( le brian, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 15:59, Reply)

god said unto me, come forth
but i came fifth and got a rubber duck

EDIT: i was told that the first time would hurt like hell. it didn't. i wasn't told that it would be quick, uncomfortable and shite. it was.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 15:58, 2 replies)

Hmmm....
Girls don't all moan like pron stars? I thought they *had* to....
(w4I4q1O1 was hard at work on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 15:58, 3 replies)

3rd :(
Damn you Kaol you bastard
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 15:58, 2 replies)

Second
Second - Damn you, Kaol!

Errr... I used to think you had to have one cup per girl?
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 15:57, 1 reply)

First!
Again.

Sex with me would not be fulfilling, despite common misconceptions.
I always come first.
( Cawl, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 15:56, 2 replies)