Ahhhhh, the older boys!
Well like most other i learnt stuff from older lads. But my area being a tad rough (not a council estate, but still pretty bad) i learnt most of this stuff by the time i was about 4-5. (i also learnt a great deal from porn, and cosmo!!)

Anyway, a friend of mine didnt know shit all (infact i still wonder) and when asked what a dildo was......he said "isnt that an extict bird?". Now as if it wasent funny enough........we we're about 15, so we've never let it die.
(Da[]\[][]\[]Y Well.....That was nice, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 22:24, Reply)

I think I can poo out one more tenuous story
Misconception: Rodents are afraid of cats.

I also believed this up until around 3 years ago. But then one day, an incident in a park changed all that. I'm sat there with a friend of mine, enjoying a lovely summers day. She was sat with her legs out in front of her and was wearing a long skirt. All of a sudden we see rather a large but adorable rat appear from behind a tree. We both point at it and make the relevant awwwww and oooh noises as it scurries around, looking ratty.

Then from out of nothing, it looks at my friend and quicker than my brain could process, the little shit charged like a fucker all the way up my friend's skirt. Thankfully she managed to stand up and shake it out before it made camp in her womb, and no thanks to me, since I was too busy dying of laughter.

Proof that rats do not fear pussies.
(GONEism, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 21:55, 1 reply)

A glimpse of something...
My grandad used to have porn VHS tapes stored round the house which (I think) he used to copy and sell at the local car-auction. Good for us little grandkids though, because he would also come by lots of pirate flicks of kid variety (I had Home Alone before anyone else had seen it).

But once, he obviously got a bit careless with a copy because at the end of 'The Flintstones', the screen blurred and suddenly I got a few seconds of porno before he heard the sounds from the kitchen and ran in, ripping the tape out.

At seven years old, the brief, crap-VHS-tracking-obscured flash of sex taught me everything I needed to know. It was only quite a few years later at the end of primary school that I was forced to admit that sex did not have to involve eight people, women did not as a rule wear large plastic penises and sex did not consist of pissing on other people. But my god I defended it for a long time.
(YourLocalGP, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 21:26, Reply)

My younger brother used to be convinced...
That sex simply involved rolling around in bed with a lady.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 20:46, 1 reply)

My dad...
...was shocked when he first met my mum and found out she read Cosmopolitan.

For some god-knows-what reason, my dad thought Cosmo was a porn mag for women.
(inflateable, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 19:26, 3 replies)

Not me at all but....
I once saw an interview with a woman who had been married twice but was still a virgin.

In her first marriage she was very young and it was the 20's. Therefore she hadn't been told anything about sex. After about a year she and her husband decided they wanted a baby, but they didn't know what to do. So the husband asked a chap at work. He told her and they both thought it was so disgusting that they would rather not have a baby than do that.

He then died in the war. She remarried but the chap she married had been badly injured during the war and wasn't really up to the task.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 28 Sep 2008, 19:19, 3 replies)

Naughty Barbies
As a small child, I had very little contact with other children. My best friend (by default since she was the only other kid in my neighborhood I was allowed to associate with) was 2 years older than I. At age 6, I was convinced that she knew absolutely everything because she was older and had a teenage sister.

One day, while playing Barbies with Michelle, she told me that she knew something that only adults knew about. Spending the majority of my time around adults, I was excited that I was about to gain secret knowledge.

She asked if I ever heard the word "sex". I said that I had but admitted that I didn't know what it was. She then said, "I'll show you what Barbie and Ken do at night. They do sex." Wow! This was going to be big knowledge!

She stripped down both dolls and told me to hold them together, facing each other. She grabed their heads and started moving them around and said, "First they kiss." I thought, 'Ok. I already know about this" Then she moved the Barbie back and forth and said, "Then the woman rubs her boobs on the man's chest." I thought, "Well that is dumb."

She said, "And this is how they have sex" while laying Ken down on the floor. I thought, "Yes! Here comes the big secret!"

She then stood Barbie over Ken's head with her legs spread and told me that the woman pees on the man's face, then the woman lays down so the man can pee on the woman's face, and that is sex.

I told her, "That is a lie! That is the grossest thing I've ever heard! There is no way that is true!" She insisted that it was true because her sister told her it was.

I spent the next few years trying to learn everything I could by asking kids at school then reading and watching TV/movies, and later, what porn I could get my hands on. I had to make sure she was lying because I didn't want to have to ever do anything gross like that. I never asked my mother though because I thought I'd get in trouble for finding out a secret only adults knew. I was grateful for every bit of knowledge I found that proved my friend wrong.

By the time I was 14, my mother wanted to have "The Talk". I told her 'no thanks, I already know about that stuff". To this day she still laughs at my childish stupidity of telling her I knew it all and not taking advantage of her years of experience. She thought I had learned it from my older step-sister. I still don't have the heart to tell her that I was no longer a virgin by the time I was 14.

Over the years I've thought about Michelle and Naughty Barbies. I wonder how she found out the truth. And I save a small shudder for the first freaked out guy she must have peed on thinking she was doing it right.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sun 28 Sep 2008, 19:12, 3 replies)

Nothing can put you off when your really in the mood.
Not even the creakiest bed in the known Universe situated in the bedroom of a small hotel/pub that is full of customers and is run by two gay men who are friends of your father.
( girlinthehole, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 18:45, 9 replies)

I was convinced that the QOTW posters were all virginal liars.
Imagine my surprise when I clicked the QOTW link today.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 17:58, 1 reply)

I blame Cosmopolitan
And similar publications (you know, must have 'Amazing Sex Tips','Red Hot Sex Tips','You'll be gushing like a fountain' on the front cover alongside 'You look fat', 'You've got cellulite now kill yourself', and 'aren't men superficial bastards with only one thing on their minds'.

According to them:

1. You have at least as much sex after marriage as before.

2. You have at least as much sex after five years of marriage.

3. During pregnancy? Rut-heaven.

4. After children? At it like rabbits who've been at the Spanish Fly.

And it can be combined with twin careers, a hectic social life, and becoming President of the Known Galaxy.

Cosmo-gits.



*smashes head into wall a few times*
(osok Rebel without a clue, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 16:25, 8 replies)

First jism
I remember it as if it was yesterday rather than 21 years ago. Samantha Fox was the visual stimulation of choice as I gamely wrestled with my virgin tool like the boys at school had advised.

I was expecting a geyser of jis - something akin to a fountain of pearlescent gloop that would pulse from my tip like something out of Ghostbusters. What I got was a bit of dizziness and a single drop of watery stuff. A single drop.

This didn't seem to constitute an orgasm, so I kept on strangling the chicken long after what had actually been my first orgasm. In fact, my still hairless plums had given all they had - nothing.

Still, with daily practice, I was soon filling socks aplenty.
(frankspencer, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 16:24, Reply)

Hmm. A teaspoonful, you say?
Anyone else been fed the line that the amount of spooge a bloke produces amounts to around a teaspoonful of fluid?

I think somebody got 'teaspoonful' confused with 'ladle'...*

*May be exaggerating slightly, but if the teaspoonful theory is generally accepted as the average, then I don't think I fall into that category...

TMI?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 28 Sep 2008, 15:01, 16 replies)

But how does it know?
Sometimes having sex explained badly can be worse than not having it explained at all.

One such portion of my sex education taught me that "...after becoming erect, the man places his penis inside the woman's vagina, where he will ejaculate...".

Now, this led me to believe that my penis was extremely intelligent: how will it *know* it's inside a vagina? How does it avoid ejaculating elsewhere by mistake?

So, naturally I started to experiment. I was sure I could fool it into thinking it was inside a lady's part and so I tried everything I could think of.

I made my hands into a dark tunnel shape and held my member inside. Nothing. Perhaps it needs to detect moisture, I thought. So cue me repeating the experiment in the shower - I held it for over a minute and nothing.

Not having had the pleasure of being in close proximity to a girl's flangepiece yet, I was running out of known vaginal properites to simulate. All I had to go on was moist, tunnel-shaped, warm and dark.

I tried holding it in all sorts of wet, heated objects (don't ask) for varying lengths of time and still I hadn't been able to fool it into ejaculation.

It wasn't until I inadvertently applied motion to a particularly persistent erection that I got a strange yet not unpleasant urge to do a sexwee. I'd done it! My member thought it was inside a girl but it was just my clammy boxers! Duh!

Needless to say, I've been 'fooling' it ever since - it still hasn't learned the difference.
( b3tamax-doovde Using recordable media since, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 12:25, Reply)

when I was about 12
I knew all about the facts of life, or so I thought. Despite being geeky and wierd as a child* I thought that one day I would be shagging for England. I was terrified of one thing though.

What happens if I need a wee when Im inside a lady?

I was terrified that halfway through sex I would need a piss so badly I would have to stop and go to the loo. I kept picturing a beautiful girl fuming at me and kicking me out of bed.

I assumed that even if he happens once, that because all women everywhere chat to one another everyone would know. And that my name would be added to some sort of sexual blacklist. You know the one I pictured in every woman's toilet, listing crap shags. This would keep me up at night and ruined many a pubescent fumble.

Now I know that its not going to happen, plus even if it did some people might like it**. I wish I had considered other things like the correct way to date a bisexual welsh girl. that would of been more useful to me.




*still am but, taller and with a beard.
** thanks internet, for you informative pop ups!!
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 11:51, 2 replies)

Another Phallusy..
.

What's the difference between a virgin and a brick?


If you fuck a brick it doesn't follow you around for a month, whining...





I thought that was a joke.


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 11:25, 2 replies)

Erections
Back in the heady days of year 4, when nobody was really sure what a condom was but knew you wore it in bed (I thought they were like some sort of boxer shorts) I overheard 2 girls talking about their dog, and how it had had something called an "erection".
Naturally intrigued I joined in with "What did it look like?" and got as my reply:
"It was sort of long and red with two little balls at the end"

Naturally I thought this was disgusting and went to ask one of my more knowledgeable friends if this was too, and imagine my horror when he confirms to me that erections can also occur in man! "But why?" I ask perplexed.
"When you have one it means you're ready for sex" he replies.

So, I mull over this information and for the next year and a bit (until sex education came along and corrected some misconceptions...) terrified of the onset of an erection.

Why?

For reasons unknown to me now, I had come to the conclusion that an erection involved passing a long thin red ribbon of tissue attached to your balls out of your penis. Like losing your baby teeth this was a natural shedding process that caused you to be ready for sexytime.

I just couldn't stop thinking about how painful it would be to pass the balls at the end, and kept a close watch for anything coming out of the little man...

(It is only now I write this I realise how truly weird this was.)
(Gourami, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 11:23, Reply)

Vagoo
When I was a younger helo still trying to figure out who tasted better, boys or girls I had a few misconceptions.

That girls only had the one hole and everything came out of there.

Everyone was circumsiced and that those who weren't were "freaks".

That wanking with soap is a reeeeeally good idea. FYI, it reeeeeeeeeeeallllllly isn't.

That seeing your parents doing the numpty won't perma scar you for life therefore forever turning you off wimmin.

Well, the last one is at least partly true.
(Helo, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 11:10, Reply)

They're all in the Masons you know.
That's the only reason their records got played.


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 10:54, Reply)

As a virgin
I intend to keep very quiet on how many of these misconceptions I previously believed...
( MatJ LOOK, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 10:52, Reply)

Well
In my pre-teen years I used to think "fucking" and "wanking" was another word for beating up, such as "twatting" and "smacking" etc.
So cue me going around telling my enemies if they annoyed me i would fuck them and wank them.
Luckily for me they didn't know what they meant either
now excuse me i must be off for i have a new kitten :)
(Freddles, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 10:16, 1 reply)

Cum is like wallpaper paste apparantly
Well, turns out that's a load of round, hairy, spherical things.

And now my bedroom smells of cheese.

Sorry.
(Toxoplasmosis Dulce et decorum est pro sodomy coleslaw, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 9:09, Reply)

mimsy shock
As a furtive dirty little spimf - i had seen many pictures of a ladies front bottom but did not get my sweaty little mitts on one until i was around 13. I had enjoyed a good mash at some poor girls knockers under her jumper by a campfire a month or two earlier - she was a Guide I was a Scout what more can I say.

Then at a Christmas disco (Scouts again) i met Pauline - ra ra skirt - fingerless gloves, huge - and i mean fucking monumentally huge hair. (80's) She also had glittery eye make up big norks so to the young Spimf clearly a sophisticated lady by all accounts.

So we did all that helicopter tongued furious snogging that only teenagers do. Oh and love bites - what the fuck is that all about?

Anyway i still remember the intense feeling of excitement the first time i put my hand up the ra ra skirt and down the pants. (the term “this is it!” may well have been in my head). However… i had no idea there was such a thing as a pubic bone! I was actually quite shocked.

Basically I had expected something like a hairy bap with a convenient slot in it.

Then of course I went home on the top deck or the bus very pleased with myself, periodically sniffing my fingers.

Class.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 8:33, 5 replies)

I once believed that after actually having sex
the urge to masturbate frequently would go away. How wrong I was.
(Guineapiggy Fuzzeh!, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 5:09, 2 replies)

Riding a bike while needing a piss
Once, at the tender age of ten, I was out riding my bike around the estate and realised I needed a wee. I really needed a wee. Desperately. I was so desperate for a wee that, as I furiously cycled to try and find somewhere to relieve my bladder, I very slightly wet myself. I was horrified to discover when returning from the bush I had found that a girl I knew was now riding about on my bike.

"What if some of my wee on the saddle goes up into her and makes her pregnant?"

For about 2 weeks after that I was terrified that I'd made this girl pregnant with my wee.

I was a very naive boy.

xx
(Iris_Wildthyme is three sheets to the wind, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 1:48, Reply)

When i was younger
And first told about erections, they said 'when a man finds a woman attractive he will get an erection' then go on to sex, marriage and so forth.
So I thought to my 12 year old self, 'oh this is easy, I just have to find the right woman and I'll know its the right woman because I'll get an erection'
If only life was that easy.
( Scrambled Edd www.eddsworld.co.uk, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 1:08, 6 replies)

Mental pain and physical pleasure
When I was younger (14-15) and knew about the mechanics of sex, but not the reality, I thought sex was a very serious business. That you'd get judged on it, you needed to practice, that it was an art like any other. And I suppose to some degree that's right.

But what I also thought was that there wasn't room for laughter, giggling and fun - it was all 'deadly serious'. A turn-on and a wonderful feeling but serious.

This misconception was mostly dispelled by my first few partners... and disappeared completely the day I managed to make my boyfriend lose the game (yes, The Game - see here) about 0.0001 of a second before orgasm.

There are few things as hilarious in life as someone crying out and writhing in pleasure while calling you a bastard and trying to say that they just lost the game without breaking into a fit of giggles too.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 0:51, 9 replies)

I Refused to Believe in Erections.
I was 10 when my mum and step-dad tried to explain to me the facts of life.

At one point, they mentioned the man's cock (yes, they used the word 'cock'. To a 10 year old.) grew very big when a woman touched it. Gesticulations were made.

Being a bit of a smart arse, I demanded to know how something could grow several centimetres in such a short time.

The step-dad, being particularly lacking in brain cells, came up with the satisfying reply: 'it just does'.

Smug little me: 'Impossible. No bone can grow that quickly in such a short time. If you can't explain it to me scientifically, I won't believe you and I certainly don't believe in these erection things'.

Cue parents giving up and returning to cataloguing their Jethro Tull and Genesis records.

I'd like to thank the writers of various biology books, and more importantly, Just 17 for teaching me what my half-witted, stoner parents couldn't :)
( gypsy turnips, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 0:26, Reply)

I knew a girl at school
who thought that foreskin peeled back in segments, like a banana.
(bacontrout got ska, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 0:26, 1 reply)

Scissor Me Timbers/I Drank the Baby Gravy
1. Like Mr Garrison from South Park, I truly believed, up until the age of about 15, that lesbians just scissored each other.

2. When I gave my first blow job at 15 or 16, I didn't know that it wasn't necessary to swallow. So I accepted the population porridge when it came, without question.
I suffered a belly ache later on and it led me to briefly wonder if sperm could eat through my stomach lining.

Naturally, the lad was delighted and told all his mates at the first opportunity. I ended up with the nickname 'Auntie Salty' as a result. I suppose it could have been worse.

I wish I'd known about the spiderman trick back then, as I could at least have milked (pun not intended) the situation for a bit of amusement/revenge the next time he tried it on with me.
( gypsy turnips, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 0:16, Reply)