"I bought your SNES by being pounded in the ass, son."
Apologies for length in advance.

I was 13 and living in a block of flats. At that age, I was the first to own a Mega Drive and our house had pirate cable, so my 11-year-old friends in surrounding flats would always come by and visit. One night, my mum says she's going out and suggests my friends stay for the night. My friends came over and as it got late, flicked through the pirate cable and found the porn channel. Partially because I didn't want to objectify women - at that age, anyhow - and partially because I thought a bunch of boys in the same room finding the same thing arousing was a bit gay, I hid in the kitchen and heated up some pizza. What I didn't see I definitely heard as the boys turned the volume up.

There was a storyline for whatever was on - two ladies were reminiscing on how they took advantage of anyone who'd come round to their house and bother them when they were all horny and alone - first, a guy who's coming round to borrow milk, then someone who's coming round to fix the TV, they both get laid by women whose orgasms sound like air raid sirens.

Now, being the eldest, I was seen as the "wise old sage" of the group. I'm also proud to be a fucking jerk, as far as winding people up goes. I pointed out to the boys as I brought in the pizza that I didn't need to see the show. They laughed and asked why. I only had to bring up Kerry.

Kerry, aged 14, was the girl who lived opposite to our flat, with that girl next door beauty too - she was lusted over by every boy in the room, myself definitely included.

"She comes over all the time when you lot are here, wanting to borrow something," They all nodded, because they often saw her coming to my place to borrow things while they played the Mega Drive. "Why do you think it's always Kerry that comes over to ask and not her mum or dad?"

The television was muted. Jaws dropped. Pieces began to click.

As we ate pizza, I explained that the terms "borrow some milk" and "fixing your TV" were sex-slang. The former was said by some horny person wanting to get naked and play around with someone else, and the latter was a type of drive-by prostitute, who, at a moment's notice, would answer the call and fix libidos instead of TVs.

This affected two of my friends.

Friend #1 - Kerry goes to his flat for milk, and he's home alone - he can't believe his luck. He lets her in, and as they turn a corner, he makes his move - he shoves his tongue down her throat and squeezes her tits. She screams, slaps him and leaves. He told me as soon as he felt her reaction he knew I'd made it up, but he also said that at least he got one up on me because he'd "felt her tits and they were like big fluffy clouds". They definitely looked like it. Lucky bastard.

Friend #2 - I didn't know that the dad of one of these friends was going to become a TV repairman two weeks after the pizza night. For his dad's first week on the job, he came home to lots of weird questions. Imagine this dialogue:

Friend: "Are the ladies pretty, the ladies whose TVs you repair?"
Dad: "Sometimes, though I'm usually repairing TVs for men. They miss not having a working TV more than women, you know?"

That answer literally broke my friend's mind.

He had a little breakdown in front of all of us the next time he came round to my place. He wouldn't believe me when I told him I'd lied earlier, he thought I was trying to console him. I next saw him two months later. That night, he had gone home and taken a knife to his dad's van's tires. When asked why he did it, he explained to his parents he didn't want his dad sleeping around any more. Two months grounded for that.

My family and his never got on so well after that. He also tried to steal my friends after he got a Super Nintendo at Christmas, but they only time they were invited over, they poked fun at his console, bought with "your dad's prossie money".
(rzeki, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 20:49, 7 replies)

Oh dear :(
I felt bad laughing at this.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 21:28, closed)

That!
Is fucking brilliant!
(doris_day, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 1:24, closed)

So wrong...
...and yet, so funny!
(SillyMoo, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:07, closed)

oh god
you crack me up... click!
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:20, closed)

clicky
clickly click click
Awesome
(daddyg, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:46, closed)

What a glorious load of codswallop...
.
(wrigglesworth, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:02, closed)

Great title
Hilarious!
(annexed, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:12, closed)