Telecoms
I once had a boss who had a go at me for fobbing off angry customers the wrong way, while he tried setting up a Swiss bank account.

He's dead now.
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Sat 11 Apr 2015, 11:41, Reply)

I'd had some painful surgery in the region of my coccyx
which had left me with a painful wound not a million miles from my arsehole. Work had arranged for someone to cover for me while I was recuperating on the grounds that I couldn't actually sit down at my desk, but as it turned out the replacement was a bit useless and so a couple of days later I got a call - was there any way I could come in and carry on?

I said I'd see what I could do and after a bit of experimentation discovered that if I put down some of the cushions from the sofa in reception and knelt on them in front of my desk, I could achieve a reasonably comfortable position and carry on working. Which I did, until two days later when my boss* came in and said: "Can you not kneel on the sofa cushions? I'm worried you might crease them."

I went back home for a few more days' sick leave instead.

*Who is, indirectly, something of a household name, so I can't go into too many details about him
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sat 11 Apr 2015, 9:38, 6 replies)

I have to be a bit circumspect here as this tale may still be the subject of ongoing legal proceedings.
In my youth I was a bit of a Leftie (I've always been of the Sinister Persuasion). This meant that in most of my jobs I've put my hand up to be the Union Rep. Not a bad gig - get to bunk off if someone needs to talk about an issue and some good management/HR training paid for by the company.

In this job I was one of the youngest staff members. Only older than Doreen by a couple of years. Doreen was the comely daughter of the checkout manager Elaine. Elaine was a right bitch. The sort of woman who would smile, chat and be friendly with you, even go out to drinks on Friday night after work and drunkenly profess to "really likin' you m8!" but would lodge a formal complaint with management against you for so much as looking at her 'wrongly'.
One day Doreen comes to me and says "I think there's a problem with my pay.", my 'gettin' done wrong by The Man' ears pricked up and she told me how since she started with the company over 3 years ago, payroll had been giving her pay-packet to her mother and her mum only gave her $50/week out of it. This of course being a time when you got your pay in a little yellow envelope with all the amounts and YTD tax info written out carefully by payroll rather than just handing over your bank account and tax details.
Hmm. I first asked if she had an agreement with her parents to pay board or rent, she was 18 and still lived at home. And getting a negative response I asked if she had a bank account and was her mum depositing in there? Nup. So in short - her mum, who was also her boss was illegally garnishing her pay each week of about $500-$600.

My first stop was payroll - apparently Elaine was a good mate and even though they'd been a bit iffy about it they decided to give her Doreen's pay-packets anyway. Despite it being against the law - the only people who could pick up your pay if you couldn't had to have written permission and it needed to be pre-arranged. So then I went to my manager. He said it was between Doreen and her mum. So did the store manger.
Umm, no it wasn't because payroll was complicit in handing Doreen's pay-packet over to her mother illegally and without Doreen's permission.

Eventually I took it to the regional Head Office. With a lawyer from the union.
In short time - Doreen had about $65,000 deposited in her bank account (apparently and unsurprisingly Elaine had spent all of Doreen's pay checks), Elaine was shitcanned with no severance or entitlements, store management was given a rap on the knuckles for passing the buck, payroll were on written warnings, Doreen was given the position of checkout supervisor and I was easily the most unpopular person working there. Elaine went on to appeal her termination of employment in one the early cases of unfair dismissal - hence the need to be careful what I say.

Sadly Doreen's drunken post "after work drinks at the pub" BJ's paled in comparison with her mothers.
(shitposter from the anals of posteriority on, Sat 11 Apr 2015, 8:38, 2 replies)

goal post moving boss needs the goal post inserted somewhere painfull
Wanted to write about the twat of fuck witted asshole boss I once had but he might read b3ta and work out it is me and then I would be dead.
(ihavechangedmyusernamesoicannotbeidentified, Fri 10 Apr 2015, 22:47, 1 reply)

"I love it when I tell her off; she farts"
followed by a lot of laughing
I worked for that twat for 6 weeks and finally walked out after he said to me one Friday morning: "If you want to work here you'll have to get a lot better"... I didn't want to work there as it turned out and I never went back. Fucker had gone for a weeks stalking in Scotland and I left him with a bit of a problem come Monday morning.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Fri 10 Apr 2015, 20:46, 3 replies)

This guy I worked with saved up a load of his pay and combined it with the royalties from his music career in order to buy out the company.
Despite his new-found position of power, Theodore still couldn't control his bowels.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 10 Apr 2015, 18:00, 1 reply)

My dad's old boss
got taken to court for sexual discrimination after asking his secretary to mark on the calendar the days when she would be on her period, so he could tell when she would be in a bad mood.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Fri 10 Apr 2015, 16:42, 4 replies)

i once worked for bruce springsteen

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 10 Apr 2015, 13:44, 3 replies)

I once got marked down on an appraisal
because the client's feedback said I was doing a great job, but they didn't think my boss was. Apparently, I should have been making clear to the client that my good work was due to her management.

Mad bitch.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 10 Apr 2015, 13:38, 3 replies)

All my bosses have been excellent.
The current ones doubly so!
Ja see that, Boss? Singing your praises on the internet I am! Gimme a raise.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 10 Apr 2015, 13:06, Reply)

I suppose the upside of thinking that playing records in a pub constitutes a "career"
is that you get to be your own boss
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 10 Apr 2015, 10:55, 2 replies)

A manager chewed me out in front of my co-workers,
about a crap order I had written. Of course, this is on the first day that I returned from work after a vacation and I had no control over said order. I'm sure that this happens to everybody, but the event remained legendary because the story was repeated for the benefit of new hires, who were probably working the first job.

Oh, and my reply was, "I'll try to do better next time." I learned long ago that most managers in my workplace knew little about the job. I was OK with that: I just wanted to be left alone.
( tromboner cherophobia is my kind of fun, Fri 10 Apr 2015, 10:07, 5 replies)

This one boss had such a predictable bunch of catchphrases
The rest of us used to play "Shane Bingo".
(McChinaman banned, Fri 10 Apr 2015, 7:23, 1 reply)

Japanese martinet
He had a simple philosophy. "I hate it when people say 'That's all right, people make mistakes'," he said. "That's just stupid and sloppy. Look at me! I NEVER make mistakes!" He was authoritarian and was distrustful of the concept of freedom. "Freedom shouldn't mean what people say, that you get to make your own decisions. The concept should be renamed 'freedom - properly understood'," he thundered. He was cheap, knowing who in town was currently selling petrol at the lowest possible rate. He was a publicity hound, loved to talk about himself, and promiscuously chased journalists and cameras. He radiated disdain for everyone else. As he told me, "You have the strength and you have the willingness, but gosh, your brain is weak!" He had huge confidence in his analytical skills and disdained all doctors. When doctors told him he had a rare disease that glue sniffers are prone to, he scoffed with contempt. Contempt didn't stop the weak-brained, mistake-prone grim reaper, though; a well-known close friend of doctors.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 10 Apr 2015, 7:17, 4 replies)

Mr wannabee pimp
I once worked for someone who insisted all his employees supported his local football club.
I had absolutely no interest in football, but had to comply with any vote or survey on them , if you didn't take part you could be disciplined.
(Brighton Albion if you must know)
He also vetoed any nestle product and would regularly inspect the fridge in the lunch room and would throw any offending item, often leaving his staff with no lunch..
He would only employ women ( there was once one man who didn't last the course)
At christmas he hosted a meal at local restaurant, a long term employee warned me he would be in 'pimp' mode.
Sure enough he turned up in a long coat with fur collar and a pimp hat and proceeded to hand out little baggies with small white tablets in them to everyone.
These were 'nux vomica'a homeopathic anti hangover remedies and he called everyone his 'ladies.
The guy was a first class monumental twat and his staff turnover was so quick the local job centre was sympathetic when you left there and signed back on
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 10 Apr 2015, 0:50, 2 replies)

cheers

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 9 Apr 2015, 21:57, 9 replies)

At a Craig David gig with an audience full of stutterers singing along when he did Rewind
there were some proper shit bo sses sss ssee sselectas
( broadsword w⚓, Thu 9 Apr 2015, 21:33, 8 replies)

After we changed premises my old manager demanded his own private office and outside line.
A few years later it turned out he had been running his own firm on company time. This was discovered only after he just fucked off one day to a new employer, taking his Rolodex and the contents of the filing cabinet, and wiping out his hard drive and emails. No wonder he always seemed so distracted and shit at his job.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 9 Apr 2015, 21:28, 1 reply)

I am a pretty good boss. I 'believe' crap phoned in sickies, let them have free soft drinks, and trust them on their slates.
Shit wages though.
(DBT became a fruitarian on, Thu 9 Apr 2015, 20:38, 4 replies)

several entries in Blue Peter's York Minster appeal

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 9 Apr 2015, 18:51, 2 replies)

I used to work........
.........at the Severn Trent Sewage Works near Uttoxeter. I had a Shit Boss.
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 9 Apr 2015, 18:28, 3 replies)

I don't even get to finger dogs.

(McChinaman banned, Thu 9 Apr 2015, 18:11, 1 reply)

something something boss shit the bed something

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 9 Apr 2015, 17:53, 2 replies)

one long university summer, i worked behind the bar of a pub in cheshire
having worked in a beautifully run pub the summer before, the manager of this one was a total shock. lazy, inept, couldn't pour a pint without a 6 inch head, and never did a stroke of work.

instead, she spent the entire time, and i mean hours at a time, cramming money into the fruit machines. she was forever in the till, changing notes into coins. meanwhile the rest of us ran around like the proverbial blue arsed flies, lugging bottles up from the cellar, dealing with customers, the usual. the worst thing that could happen to you was to be put on the "wacky warehouse" shift, where instead of adults wanting beer, you got sugar hyped up little brats screaming for panda cola and sherbert dips... shudder...

anyway, after a few weeks, it was noticed that the tills were out. sometimes quite badly. it was so breathtakingly obvious that it was the manager, but she was the only one who failed to cotton on at all, and carried on shovelling coins into the machines.

she got caught in the end. but only after a LOT of money had gone missing. that's how long it took the company to notice.

the pub's gone bust now. like everything else, it'll be a block of flats soon.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 9 Apr 2015, 17:34, 2 replies)

I've worked for two Prime Ministers, one after his time in office and one just before
The latter (who's still serving in the role) was quite hands off and struck me (as he probably does many people) as being terribly nice, terribly posh and about as trustworthy as a blood parasite. The former, who now has his own Faith Foundation, struck me as a delusional hypocrite.

Both paid pretty well, though.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 9 Apr 2015, 17:06, 11 replies)

After a heavy night on the Guiness my bowel movement the following morning trumped along to born in the usa

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 9 Apr 2015, 17:05, 1 reply)

I used to manage a sewage processing facility.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 9 Apr 2015, 16:20, 3 replies)

First again

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 9 Apr 2015, 16:04, 4 replies)