what do you get when you stick a knife in a baby
an erection
( mrbongo sweating like a formicophiliac on I'm a celebrity, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 22:13, Reply)

THIS IS A STICK UP......
A man at a sperm bank is waiting in the waiting room (*gasp* no! not the waiting room!). Sitting with him in this waiting room are other men that are waiting to make their donation of their white sticky gold. He sits and reads a magazine to pass the time. Twiddles his thumbs for a bit. Etcetra. etc. In walks a beautiful, but blonde, woman. She sighns in the receptionists book and takes a seat next to our protagonist. The man stops his train of thoughts and says:
"Err...um...are you here to donate some um..well Jizz?"
She replies, "Mmmph mmmph ph mmmph."
(The Horizontal Monster Mash Mr. T Pitties Me, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 22:05, Reply)

Whats blue and orange and found at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.

Right, thats me done for now.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:54, Reply)

What's red, slimy and crawls up womens legs?
Homesick abortions.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:52, Reply)

What do you get when you dislocate a baby's jaw?
Deep throat.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:51, Reply)

Bloke walks into a bar,
and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
To the bartender's surprise he downs the lot and pays up.
"What's the big occassion?" asks the bartender.
"I'm celebrating my first blowjob" replies the bloke.
"Good on you, son. Have another whiskey on the house."
"No thanks," replies the bloke, "If 12 didn't take the taste out of my mouth, one more won't do much."
( Butters remembers when nostalgia used to be good., Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:50, Reply)

I like my whisky like I like my women.....
...8 years old and mixed with coke.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:47, Reply)

What is the difference between a dishwasher and a woman who washes dishes?
You only have to punch the instructions into a dishwasher once.

Edit: Hahahaha, that nun one is genius butters.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:46, Reply)

What's black and white and walks sideways through corridors?
A nun with a javelin through her head.
( Butters remembers when nostalgia used to be good., Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:45, Reply)

What has 8 legs and makes girls scream?
Gang rape.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:44, Reply)

What goes "Marc, Marc!"?
A dog with a hare lip.
( Butters remembers when nostalgia used to be good., Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:42, Reply)

What do you call the useless piece of skin at the end of a penis?
A man.
( Butters remembers when nostalgia used to be good., Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:40, Reply)

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
To watch the facial expressions.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:40, Reply)

How do you fit 4 gays on a bar stool?
Turn it upside down.
( Butters remembers when nostalgia used to be good., Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:38, Reply)

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:33, Reply)

Why does Noddy drive his little car, have a little hat with a bell and is friends with big ears?
Because he's a cunt!
( Random Image Yes, yes, I'll speak to you on Monday, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:32, Reply)

What do elephants use for vibrators?
Epileptic pygmies.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:30, Reply)

Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it scares the shit out of the dog.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:29, Reply)

What's red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:24, Reply)

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half a cat.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:23, Reply)

A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn't complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her asshole. She still didn't say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.
The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said "Don't you think it's a little bit presumptuous for you to think it's okay to fuck me in the ass?"

"Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old" he replied.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:22, Reply)

What's the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesnt come on your face until you're 12.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:21, Reply)

A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
"Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?" she cried.
The doctor replied: "I'm just joking with you! It was stillborn."
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:20, Reply)

What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cry when I cut up onions.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:19, Reply)

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?
I dont have a ferarri in my garage.
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:18, Reply)

Whats blue and buggers old people?
Me in my little blue coat.

Edit: uh-oh! Very similar to coffees post down there
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:17, Reply)

How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?
They both go away with the aid of a coathanger
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:16, Reply)

Q: What did the blind, deaf, dumb, quadruplegic amputee kid with two dads get for Christmas?
A: AIDS.
( Good morning sir, have you considered letting the light of Woodside into your life?, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:15, Reply)

What's blue and screws old people?
Hypothermia.
(coffee keeps me from flying into a berserker rage, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:15, Reply)

Three vampires walk into a bar.
One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
( We are the lemon Mechanical Citrus Overlord, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:11, Reply)