QUICK!!! SWITCH ON YOUR TV!
CHECK OUT THE NEWS, ALL THE PAKIS AND NIGGERS ARE DEAD!!!

Carlsberg dont make newsflashes, but if they did they'd probably be the best news flashes in the world!


(Sorry)
( Weasel13, Tue 2 May 2006, 8:27, Reply)

What do you call a Paki in a microwave?
Ding!
( Weasel13, Tue 2 May 2006, 8:18, Reply)

Some of my own one liners:
There's always light at the end of the tunnel. Unless you're agoraphobic.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel. Unless you're Princess Diana

A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down. Unless you're diabetic.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Unless you're suffering from ME.

I like to look on the good side of prison. At least by the time you get out, you'll be able to smuggle twice the amount of drugs up your rectum.

I like to look on the good side of parkinson's disease. At least you get a good wank.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Mon 1 May 2006, 16:25, Reply)

Prolly bin dun
Why don't black people dream?


'Cause we killed the only one that did*!




*MLK Jr.
(somethingwitty, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 21:46, Reply)

some scouse jokes
what do you call a scouse woman in a white track suit?

the bride

===

what do you call a scouser in a suit?

the defendant

===

what do you say to a scouser with a job?

"i'll have a big mac please"

===

what drink do liverpool fans like?

squash!
(Gallers, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 11:56, Reply)

a wrestling one (and a VERY late one at that)
what was eddie guerrero's finisher?

heart failure!
(Gallers, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 11:50, Reply)

pussy
What have a pussy and a grape both got in common?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
(33% God, Wed 26 Apr 2006, 22:51, Reply)

A couple decide they quite want to try anal sex,
but the woman decides to play it safe and seek medical advice first.
"Anal sex is perfectly safe," says her doctor, "as long as you take it slowly at first and use plenty of lubricant. And you take care not to get pregnant, of course."
"What?" says the woman incredulously, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Certainly," replies the doc, "where did you think chavs came from?"
( Bob Todd whee, Wed 26 Apr 2006, 12:21, Reply)

old people joke
Frank is admitted to an old peoples home. he's a little lonely, so he goes in search of a friend. After wandering around for a while he meets Mabel. They strike up a friendship, every day they meet at the swimming pool and chat, just passing the time of day. One day Frank says "do you know what I miss the most about youth Mabel?" "no Frank, what?" she repies. "Sex" he says. "ooh you randy old goat!" she squawks. "not like that Mabel, I just wish sometimes that somebody would take my old chap out and hold it" Mabel doesn't think that it can do any harm, so out it comes. This continues for a week or so, nothing untoward, just gentle holding. Well one day Mabel turns up to find that Frank is missing, frantically she searches the old people home finally finding him at the back of the shed with another old woman. "Frank!" she screams "what's going on?, why are you seeing another woman?, what is it that she's got that I haven't?" Frank replies "parkinsons".
(drshipman iz in yr shower killing yr nan, Wed 26 Apr 2006, 8:57, Reply)

Q: What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A: The pilot, you fucking racist.
(phineas, Tue 25 Apr 2006, 0:18, Reply)

Hole Lotta Love
A guy gets a job at a remote mining camp. After a couple of days work, he goes into the local, has a few beers, and asks the bartender about the lack of women in the camp.

"No birds for 200 miles", replies the barman.

"What does a man do for sex?". The bartender points to a large barrel in the corner. "Put ya old fella in the hole. Any day except Thursday". The guy wanders over & does as he's told.

Within two minutes, he's got his end away. "Christ, that's not bad!", he thinks.

He returns the next two nights, and gets the same result. The third night, he asks the barman if the barrel is free. "Like I said, any day except Thursdays".

"Why Thursdays?", the guy asks.

"Thursday's your day in the barrel".
(kiss_my_bunni, Mon 24 Apr 2006, 19:23, Reply)

: )
An Aboriginal & an Arab are in a car. Who's driving?

The cop
(kiss_my_bunni, Mon 24 Apr 2006, 19:15, Reply)

How do you crucify a cripple?
On a swastica!
(dethsd, Mon 24 Apr 2006, 12:54, Reply)

A Few Sickies
Q: What's small pink and smells like holly?
A: Ian Huntley's dick

Q: Why do you put babies in blenders feet first?
A: So you can look them in the eye when you're wanking
(sickprophet Injuring Disabled Animals, Mon 24 Apr 2006, 9:15, Reply)

A man drives up to a child, and says "Come on, get into the car"
The child replies, "n-no.."
He asks again: "If you get into the car, I'll give you a sweetie"
Once again, the child reples, "n-n-no..."
"If you get into the car, I'll give you the entire packet!"
The kid pipes up, "For fuck's sake, dad! I'm not getting into the fucking Lada!"
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Mon 24 Apr 2006, 8:43, Reply)

One my mum told me....
I was at a cash machine the other day,and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance... So I pushed her over.
(Miharu, Mon 24 Apr 2006, 7:09, Reply)

Jacko
Couldnt give a fuck if this has already been posted:

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and Arthur Scargill?

Arthur Scargill hasn't touched a minors helmet in 30 years...
(Nyphur, Mon 24 Apr 2006, 1:15, Reply)

sorry if this has been posted
why does Miss Piggy douche with sugar and vinegar?

because Kermit's favorite food is sweet & sour pork
(The 3rd Duchess of Spank, Sun 23 Apr 2006, 6:29, Reply)

what's black and white and red all over?
Damilola Taylor
( ed.ge is drunk again in the rhododendrons, Sat 22 Apr 2006, 17:32, Reply)

PRO SMOKING BAN?
Whoever said that smoking doesnt kill, just ask the Parants of nurse Cheryl Moss!
(PAUL WESTON (THE THIEF OF BAD GAGS), Sat 22 Apr 2006, 10:06, Reply)

AXE TO GRIND
Did you hear that the brother of Man city player Joey Barton is to get off his murder conviction on a technicality.
Apparantly there was a sticker on the axe's handle that said -suitable for chopping up wogs-
(PAUL WESTON (THE THIEF OF BAD GAGS), Sat 22 Apr 2006, 9:59, Reply)

it's not fair
"Mummy mummy, daddy's been sick and Jonny's getting all the big bits"

Meh
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Fri 21 Apr 2006, 13:07, Reply)

probably bindun
q: how do you crucify a spastic?

a: on a swastica.
(Mildred is a slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler, Fri 21 Apr 2006, 10:33, Reply)

Blatant Racism and Sexism!
What do you say to a nigger in a Porsche?
Stop thief!

A black man finds a lamp on the beach one day, thinking it might be worth a bit if it was cleaned up, he gives it a rub. Poof, out pops a genie!
"For freeing me from the lamp I will grant you three wishes!"
Thinking he's being wound up by his mates, he wishes for the first thing to pop into his head.
"Give me an icecream!"
Poof! An icecream stand appears with his name on it! A bit stunned, he sits there for a while eating his icecream, thinking long and hard before making his final two wishes, finally, he turns to the genie and says...
"I want to be white and surrounded by women!"
Poof! He turns into a tampon!

And the moral of the story? Never trust a nigger, there's always strings attached!

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None! It should already be open when the cunt brings it to you!

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who cares! Let the bitch cook in the dark!

What do you say to a nigger in your house?
1) Get the fuck out of my house before I call the police! OR
2) Polish my shoes, and I'll take tea in the lounge at three!

Yes Masser!

How do you stop a black man raping a white woman?
As long as he's got my tea ready at three, my shoes are sparkling and doesn't stop the bitch cooking, who gives a fuck?
(AllyUK, Wed 19 Apr 2006, 21:58, Reply)

Muslims, Asian Tsunami, New Orleans, 9/11 and 7/7 Jokes.....
Two Muslim women sitting on a bench in the park watching their kids play. The older of the two turns round to the other and says "Enjoy it while it lasts, they blow up so fast!"

What's the difference between Muslims and Smarties?
Smarties don't blow up in the tube!

Did you hear about the hot dog seller who had a stall next to the World Trade Centre? Apparently he was crushed when the towers fell, and his last words were "Ok, what cunt ordered the two jumbos?".

Have you heard about the New Orleans/Asian diet? It's called the swim fast plan!

Did you hear that ticket prices on the London Underground are being raised? Now they'll cost an arm and a leg! Ticket prices on the busses are going through the roof too!

In a recent aid effort for the asian disaster, oxfam are asking for donations of soap powder. So that the asians can do their washing up on the beach.

New Orleans Aid! Confirmed to headline are Katrina and the Waves, supported by the Drifters!

People keep saying that Americans are stupid, but I disagree. Anyone that builds a city 10 metres below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fills it with niggers is a fucking genius!

American Airlines! Taking you right into the office!

Have you heard that there's been a plague of killer spiders in the states? Well I only caught a bit of the news, but I heard something about thousands of black widows!

Hmm, Ten reasons why I'm going to hell!
(AllyUK, Wed 19 Apr 2006, 21:35, Reply)

Pissflaps
News Flash!!

News just in. more than 200 muslims have been crushed to death in Mecca.


I fucking love Bingo!!
(Hoody, Wed 19 Apr 2006, 21:22, Reply)

Gross
How do you tell the difference between an anal and an oral thermometer?

By the taste.
(Gwydion, Wed 19 Apr 2006, 15:55, Reply)

abortions
Q: How would you define the term "blood brothers"?
A: Two abortions in a bucket.

Or

Q: What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
A: Blood Brothers.

Ahem.

Thank you.
(fractalpat John - Stop that laughing!, Mon 17 Apr 2006, 23:29, Reply)

cocks
i am spamming
( tolin its me, Mon 17 Apr 2006, 19:23, Reply)

Classic racism
Q: Did you here the one about Klu Klux Evil Kanevil?

A: He tried to jump ten burning n*ggers in a steam roller!
(m0n|<eY, Mon 17 Apr 2006, 4:58, Reply)