Hot Poker
I was going at the bird hammer and tongs in a slightly lackadaisical fashion owing to the consumption of alcohol. I leaned back with her in the doggy position impressed as always at her ability to constantly repeat the magic trick of making my fleshy love baton disappear in her welcoming minge. The shear spectacle of my sexual prowess and her pert arse filled my fuzzy mind with warm and mushy thoughts as I thrust away.

Suitably distracted from the actual task at hand I nonchalantly leant over to grab my beer on the bed side table. Because after all, mans work is thirsty work. The sheer ear-bleedingly loud scream that was to follow left no clue as to the cause. She convulsed and whimpered in a heap in front of me. Silence filled the room as we were both momentarily shocked by her outburst.

The answer soon became apparent. I glanced down to see a small quantity of shit on the end of my penis with her mumbling something about me not ever having sex with her again. I'd jabbed her full force up the ipood without even so much as globule of spit to smooth the violent and unexpected entry.

At times like these I always find humour can have a calming and soothing effect. However I fear my chirp of, "Well, how about a blow job then?" while pointing at the brown visitor from Heranus didn't quite have the desired effect. Still, with 50% of us laughing our heads off I felt it would be prudent to complain about our little accident.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 23:20, 4 replies)

Accident?
My arse.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 28 Jan 2010, 0:20, closed)

this is an obvious attempt to get attention from the list-makers

(likeajackhammer, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 10:34, closed)

you have spasticism

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 10:35, closed)

I think...
.. that if you involved a glass of orange juice on the bedside table, and maybe a lump of sweetcorn in the crap. And maybe an ice-cream van... then - and only then - will it be on the lowest level of B3ta fiction.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 28 Jan 2010, 11:57, closed)