My 1st ciggerette
1 weekend when I was 15.

I started smoking and lost my V.

That was an amazing weekend.

Story.
Went visisted an old family friend in Yeovil.
She had free house for weekend. She smoked and got me and my sister smoking. Then the next evening her best mate decided that although she was on the blob she wanted my body (I still don;t know why, I don;t want my body) so she then put herself out and my teenage hormones took over.

End of story. Waking up in the morning to find blood on your fingers, mouth and spread around your hips isn;t the most plesent of experiences.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 16:30, Reply)

non cigarette smoker, always have been.
but i remember my first pot. the kid over the road was dying of leukaemia and our school had organised a walkathon to raise money for him (he died soon after). Like a lot of us, i quit early to take the rest of the day off. When i got home there were my brothers and a few friends already home watching my dads poorly hidden porn. my brother said, "Hey cumquat, try this". He had a bucket bong set up in the sink. I coughed my guts up doubled over,and soon after had a uncontrollable laughing fit which I've never quite repeated. My first couple of years were all buckets. never tried a joint till years later and the engineer in me treated it's inefficiency with disdain.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 16:10, Reply)

Puns.
Sorry, perhaps this really isn't in the spirit of things, but:
RHYMING A WORD WITH ONE OR TWO WORDS FROM THE QUESTION DOES NOT A PUN MAKE.

Perhaps from now on I shall be shunned by one and all, but surely there are others here who despise the punnery as much as I do?
(Boar is dreaming of get rich quick schemes..., Wed 26 Mar 2008, 16:09, 17 replies)

It's all gone rather quiet...
Guess everyone have popped off for a dose of self-abuse to celebrate Wanking Wednesday.
( Cawl, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 15:57, 10 replies)

Iron My Shirt!
Ahh I remember, back in the day...

I went to a women's rights rally and caught the eye of a sweet young lady. After some friendly, playful chit-chat - we retired to my love palace.

She was my first suffragette.


... Please don't hurt me.
(wicks, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 15:42, Reply)

My first ciggie
was whilst wandering around on the Thursday morning of Glastonbury 2000. First time away from parents, first festival. I only paid a fiver to get in, and it was the best weekend of my life.

Sadly i cant run for more than 10 yards without nearly passing out now, but hey, win some, lose some
( useless_rocker twitter.com/phillipteague, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 15:24, Reply)

As I said....
Giving up smoking was a piece of piss for me, unfortunatly my desire to give blow jobs increased alarmingly as the number of fags I inhaled decreased.

Those plastic nicotine inhalers weren't around 15 years ago.


Sorry!
( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 14:50, 19 replies)

As a sub-plot to my earlier story…
I had turned 12 and still had not had a chance to satisfy my curiosity by trying a smoke. I was on the bus going home trying to hatch a plot for obtaining a tab. I looked out the window and saw a cigarette vending machine outside a tobacconist's shop. I was looking outside scouting for hiding-places in case someone spotted me mid-purchase.

It was at this moment that my pituitary gland decided to go 'ding' and fire off hormones at will. All of a sudden, I realised that girls had tits and other bits. At the time, my eyes were transfixed on this gorgeous young lass. How the flying duck did her bosoms not escape that tight top she was wearing? Not only was she torturing them by wrapping them up so tight, but she was torturing me by hiding them from my view. If that wasn’t enough, I realised she had a fanny stuffed in her trousers as well. I was in a trance of ecstasy – hidden only by the fact I had nothing to do until I got to my bus stop.

This walking starting-pistol of teenaged lust got off at the next stop but I was in need of more visual stimulation. The only ladies left were all middle-aged and old, but decided they would have to do. It somehow felt a bit odd, but what the hey - I've just had my first attack of the hormones, and it wasn't as if they could read my mind, was it?

My stop was next and when I tried to move, I noticed moving wasn't easy. My trousers felt too tight. I wasn't going to adjust them on the bus, but lived near the bus stop so I thought I could wait until I got home. I got off the bus. It felt weird. Something was going on down there. I didn't need a piss, but what could it possibly be?

Anyway, my mind turned back to smoking. Would getting my end with some girl give me an opportunity to try a cigarette? Or even better, would smoking make me look so cool that the girls would flock towards me. Even so, I was now more determined than ever to find a cig to smoke.

I got inside and ran to the bathroom. I quickly unbuttoned my trousers and...

Length? I'd never seen it like that before!

I was intrigued. I'd never seen it look like that. I held it in my hand. And that was my first dick-erect. The end.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 13:58, 3 replies)

Happy Birthday Che Grimsdale,
Happy Birthday Che Grimsdale,
Happy Birthday Cccccccchhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeee Grimsdale,
Happy Birthday Che Grimsdale.

And to keep things vaguely on topic


( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 13:46, 1 reply)

lucky find (no puns guaranteed)
When I was 10, me and a few mates found an almost full pack of full 1980s strength Marlboros (reds of course, lights were a distant girly dream.) 'What a result' we thought! We were the coolest kids I'd ever heard of.

We went to the park, shared them out (about four each) and lit up. Jesus, they were rough as f**k. I swear it put me off for life and I've never been able to develop a full habit since (not for want of trying). Might do the same thing to my kids?
(BubaGuru, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 13:30, Reply)

First ciggie was shit, never again blah blah
Now for a teensy bit more of an interesting, if totally irrelevant, story.

Met a guy during cadets (pip pip, jolly good! what ho! etc) who went to boarding school.

His friend had a habit of getting his words mixed up.

He had just finished a long, arduous piece of English coursework and wanted to announce his fresh joie de vivre.

Bounds does he into the common room, announcing at the top of his voice;

"GUYS, I'VE JUST HAD A MOMENT OF NECROPHILIA!"

Whilst most people were wondering how a "moment" of necrophilia works, one guy asked;

"Did you mean 'euphoria'?"

"Ah. Cockballs. Errr...yes."

The entire room full of teenage lads cracked up, earning him a rather salacious reputation for the rest of his schooling.

Apologies for length, I blame it on the rigor mortis
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 13:29, 3 replies)

I've thought of a pun...

But I'm not going to post it.

Nope.

Even I have realised that this cannot continue.

In the name of Lindsey Lohan’s leathery lovemound can somebody please go back to posting something on-topic?

/rant
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 26 Mar 2008, 13:28, 5 replies)

If you can't beat 'em
I remember the time I took advantage of a lady of the night, but the only one I could find wasn't a young lithe beauty, rather a slightly overweight lady, somewhat elderly and a tad wrinkly. Nonetheless, needs must, so we negotiated and came up with a favourable price for us both.

That was my first saggy whore rate.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Wed 26 Mar 2008, 13:27, Reply)

thank god
there's the archives of all the previous questions to read
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 13:21, 10 replies)

Value
Tried some Tesco Value wine last night.

It was the first time I'd drunk micturate.
(Hampton St.Roker (has probably had your mum), Wed 26 Mar 2008, 13:01, Reply)

Some say…

That he’s a ‘secret’ racing driver from Top Gear…Possibly Ben Collins.

Others say is that he’s a salt derived from uric acid.

All we know is…he’s called my first Stig-Urate
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 26 Mar 2008, 12:57, 5 replies)

There is out there
A cool poster who makes me chuckle quite a lot

Yeah

I dig tourette

(don't worry non pun fans, im only here for lunch)
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 12:35, Reply)

If Jaws was a Tuna
Would they have needed a biggernet?
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 12:32, Reply)

My real name is David Bowie…

In the 70’s, I created a character, an alter-ego if you will, and when I performed my concerts I did it under a different name and with my band, whom I called 'The Spiders From Mars'.

It got quite popular…oh, I’m being modest – it got fucking massive.

Everybody wanted a piece of me….I carried on doing it for a while but then realised I was stuck in this ‘other personality’ and if I didn’t change my image soon I would stay like this forever.

Anyway, that was my first Ziggy-rut.

My name is Pooflake, and I am a rubbish pun-aholic. I am also incapable of knowing when to stop flogging a dead horse when I see one
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 26 Mar 2008, 12:30, 5 replies)

I started at 14
I'd saved up my pound a week pocket money (tight fisted parents) and finally went into town and asked someone to buy me cigarettes. He came back with a twenty pack of marlbro reds. He passed them to me and upon opening them a nearby tramp asked for one, I turned to see that I knew this tramp and had done since childhood but he was to smacked up to recognise me. I gave him one and went to a drunken party in a grave yard where I watched a drunken lesbian show and managed to smoke most of my fags. I left to meet a friend who was to sleep at my house that night and as I did the following happened:
-People came through the graveyard on bikes shouting about police
-2 police vans, 3 police cars and a shit load of coppers on foot turned up.
-everyone legged it down a muddy hill
-6 people were arrested and charged for possession.

I went home with my friend, on the way we took the wrong train, it was going in completely the wrong direction but thankfully a woman with a child heard us speaking of my hometown (Crediton) and told us this train was going to plymouth. We got off at the next stop, I had a smoke and my friend marvelleled at my awesomeness. We phoned my mum and I shoplifted deoderant from boots and franticly applied it. My mother arrived and took us home. We went out in crediton for a while and called on some friends who were not so impressed by my smoking (the "ooh its bad for you" types) and I had 4 left by the time I went home. Not used to the nicotine, I felt sick and went white and lay in the featal position on my bed. My parents clocked that I stank and called me downstairs. I decided to stash my pack quickly so I shoved it under a backpack in the next room and felt all big and clever because I could easily retrieve the smokes later and nobody would see them because everyone was too tall to see down there. I went into the front room with my parents and they made me empty my pockets. They got my lighter but that was it, they sent me away. Just as I was about to walk away I heard a voice... "Mummy? Whats this box?"
my four year old brother had been just the right height for the red 'n' white to catch his eye. my parents took the fags and I was grounded but I nicked the fags back off em and smoked em at school.

I couldnt be angry at my brother, he was just inquisitive. I now smoke 20 a day and my parents have given up trying.

Length?... thay were king sized.
(Chubster Will kill your children and burn your wife on, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 12:30, Reply)

it wasn't a cigarette
but the last ever meeting of the David Koresh indoor BBQ club got a bit smoky.
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 12:14, Reply)

pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease
pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

no.

more.

shit.

puns.

pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

good puns are ok!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 12:12, 13 replies)

Me and my mate Stig went hillwalking
he was way more experienced and chose a route i wouldn't have done myself, along a knife-edge ridge with several hundred feet drop on either side

my first Stig arete
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 12:07, Reply)

Neo-pop punk
I remember buying the vinyl single of Love Missile F1-11. Unfortunately, it was banned in Belgium at the time and I was taken to the police station.

That was my first Sigue Sigue Sputnik arrest.

*Peers into a bottomless hole of mirthless desperation*
(frankspencer, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 12:04, 1 reply)

On a trip to Vatican City
the mrs and I were wandering along, admiring all the blokes in funny hats, when all of a sudden I lost control of my mouth! -It was as if I was speaking in tongues, only every word that came out of my mouth was random, lewd gibberish.
Not wanting to cause a scene she grabbed me by the hand, only to put her fingers through a gaping wound that had appeared in both my palms, bleeding profusely...

Yes, that was the time I had my first stigmata-tourettes.
I'm very, very sorry.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 11:59, 4 replies)

student speak
When I was a student, I found it hilarious to give everything an exaggeratedly complex name to show how clever I thought I was. Thus a burger became a "meat-based sandwich snack" and a bike became a "bi-wheeled auto-powered vehicular conveyance." How we howled with mirth at our own amazing cleverness. Then one day I was offered a Marlboro by a friend with the immortal words "Would you like a tubular, tobacco-filled flame-assisted time-passer?" I laughed so hard that my kidneys came out through my nose.

That was my first tubular, tobacco-filled flame-assisted time passer!
(frankspencer, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 11:47, Reply)

Hey, if you can't beat them...

Working in financial services I know a bit about pensions [yawn]. With the changes to the law a few years back I was asked to look into the possibility of changing the investment vehicle for a certain funded unapproved retirement benefit scheme. The most promising seemed to be one of the relatively new real estate investment trusts. This was set up and the headline on our company intranet was:

FURBS seek a REIT
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 11:45, 3 replies)

Cigars are for men, surely?
I always thought cigars should be for men and cigarettes should be for women. Lol, you men smoking women-sticks, next up you'll be wearing knickers 'n' dresses and doing chubby kicklines in dodgy nightclubs.

You make me sick you bunch of trannies. Yeaaaahhhhhh.

If you haven't already guessed I don't know what the fuck to type this week, as this QOTW sucks as much as a fattie on 40 a day. I don't really think that cigarette smokers are queer.....well not all of them anyway. It's not like I'll get a smack though, as they'll cough and splutter chasing after me as I walk away.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 11:42, Reply)

I'll never forget the first time I flew an Airbus A380.
It was a bigger jet.





Is it Thursday?
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 11:41, Reply)

my cat was desperately ill
and that was the first time i had to seek-a-vet.
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Wed 26 Mar 2008, 11:34, Reply)