Convent Girls Hide their Habits
As many of you will remember I attended a Convent school.

A very strict Convent school.

The type of Convent school where you are required to wear two pairs of knickers for PE.

The type of Convent school where they only employ women or men over the age of 70 or in total desperation timid men who bear more than a passing resemblance to Richard Richard from Bottom but without the leching or the charisma and sex appeal.



So, bearing in mind these facts, it will come as no surprise to discover that smoking was against school rules.

As was chewing or even being in possession of chewing or bubblegum - all down to a governor sitting on a gum incrusted seat and the school being charged the dry-cleaning bill.

Smoking however was the cardinal sin - not just against school rules, but even being found with cigarettes upon your person was rewarded with instant expulsion and possibly served with a side order of excommunication or at the very least a spell in purgatory.


In this harsh regime girls who were boarders had to find other routes and methods for indulging in their tobacco and nicotine addiction.

So what options are available to young girls?

Young girls who are endlessly resourceful.

Young girls who have a healthy disregard for social mores and love nothing more than to cock a snook at authority.

Young girls who already have the deserved reputation of being cruel and unkind to all - in particular to timid male teachers who resemble Richard Richard - whom they conspire to gently lead to having a mental breakdown by suggesting they were in love with him.


These girls used a simple but effective set of code words in order to discuss their cigarette stocks, requirements and future plans for enfumation down at the beach behind the huts and in preference in the company of a few of the boys from the next-door school run by monks.

The boys of course had no need other than that of their raging testosterone levels to smoke behind the beach huts as the monks in their infinite wisdom had provided a smoking room for the use of both Sixth formers and staff alike - rumour had it that a glass of port was also available to the upper echelons of the prefecture.


The code words used were all relating to a subject which was so taboo, so private, feminine, intimate and entirely natural thus leaving the guilty perpetrators both above suspicion and entirely without interrogation.

The word used in place of cigarette was tampon.

Many times in faux cockney accents home counties 'gels' could be heard calling across classrooms, "Oi! You got any tampons? I'm desperate for a slash!"


One of my friends decided she would like to become one of the Mockney 'in crowd' and take up tampon use. Unfortunately she thought that when they discussed boxes of twenty they were in fact referring to boxes of twenty Tampax or maybe even Lil-Lets.

My friend Ann dreamed of the day when she too could take up roller-skating - preferably being pulled along by a large slavering Dalmatian whilst she screamed from the top of her lungs something about "Waaaaaaaaaaaa! Booooooddddyyyyy Fooooooooorrrrrrrmmmmmm!"


So Ann, being a boarder and thus without ready access to tampons - real or smoked - employed another friend of mine, Jules, in her explorations leading to becoming one of the Tampon Users. Jules purchased a pack of ten for Ann and then retired to a safe distance (the common room) while Ann took her plan another step forward.


That afternoon passed without incident although Ann continued to look uncomfortable throughout. The following day all became clear and Ann gained for herself a new nickname - The Cardboard Kid.


For those of you unacquainted with the physics of applicator tampons, they come ready loaded, as it were, within a telescopic cardboard casing.
The casing is inserted, the lower telescopic tube then pushed gently within the upper tube thus expelling and correctly seating the tampon.
The cardboard casing, both tubes now one within the other, are withdrawn, leaving the user comfortable and able to take up roller-skating.

Unfortunately Ann had not bothered to read the instructions, so keen she was to become a Tampon User. This had resulted in her leaving the tubing in place.

All day.


Ann was put off tampon use for life.

She was already a smoker and continues to smoke to this day, the 'in crowd' however never took her into their inner circle so she like the boys next door had to continue to bum fags.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 0:13, 20 replies)

BLOODY brilliant - body formed for yooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu!!!
And an extra click for use of the word BUM regarding Ann's continued aquisition of ciggies! :o)

"Inner circle".......
Were you being a tad Freudian there, or is it just my abhorently filthy mind...?

God bless The Cardboard Kid.
2-4-6-8
Come on girls, let's menstruate!

p.s. I don't suppose a qotw regarding sanitary mishaps would GO DOWN too well.....?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 0:40, closed)

Must have been a Freudian slip
I have a whole wardrobe of them in various colours.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 9:09, closed)

Catholic schools, you got to love em..
They turn out the dirtiest, raunchiest, sexiest women there is. Wish I'd gone to Catholic school, I might have started my wanton slut phase a little earlier than my late 20's.
( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 9:12, closed)

Convent school girls?
I'm too much of a gentleman to comment.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 25 Mar 2008, 9:19, closed)

Re: sanitary mishaps
That qotw would leave the blokes out. Perhaps instead, we should have "Sanity mishaps".
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 11:42, closed)

When I got to
the phrase "love nothing more than to cock a snook at authority" I misread that, and choked on my coffee as I had a flashback to all the really bad schoolgirl porn I've seen, with girls in pigtails and plaid skirts moaning and gagging.

At this hour on a Tuesday morning, it was akin to being smacked in the face with a dead squid.

Reading about improperly installed tampons merely reinforced this.

Now I'm going to go hide in a corner and try to stop twitching...

(Good story, though.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 25 Mar 2008, 12:00, closed)

Salutary sanitary caution
As the hubby of one woman and father of another - just out of her teens - my familiarity with all sanitary wares is second to none, I'll have you know.

If you have a young daughter about to embark on this great journey, feel free to use our family euphamism: "FHPs" taken from the oh-so-coy aisle at Tesco selling Feminine Hygiene Products.

It works for us.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 13:04, closed)

Re: Sanitary mishaps
As a bloke, I feel I could contribute to this, bearing in mind my first 'proper' job on leaving college was packing 'ladies' products'. I could quite readily recount a few tales of how the bottom fell out of the box, spilling contents all over the floor. Or how a jam rag clogged up the machine so that the whole factory ground to a halt while an engineer poked it out with a metal stick.

God, we used to laugh...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 25 Mar 2008, 13:11, closed)

^ chortle snigger oof fnaar
He said "bottom".....
The word bottom makes me laugh because it is rude and funny :o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 13:23, closed)

^Tourettes
You must really wet your knickers when a carry-on film is on the TV : )
( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 13:45, closed)

^^
Hurr hurrrr, knickers.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 13:48, closed)

*Poignant*
I don't remember my first cigarette but I do remember my first period.


Double french if my memory serves me correct. Ha!
( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 13:53, closed)

I've never had a cigarette
or indeed a period.

But I do remember my first proper wank.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 14:01, closed)

^^
That takes me back, I remember having to be incredibly quiet as my parents bedroom was next to mine.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 14:05, closed)

^^
I can also remember my most recent one.

4pm, last Wednesday.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 14:13, closed)

^^
3.30pm yesterday : )

In-between chatting on teh internet and watching Ben Hur.

We women can multi-task.
( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 14:21, closed)

@BGB
well done for remembering it was wank-holiday monday.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 14:22, closed)

Oddly enough
my daughter has absolutely no shame when it comes to menstruation. She'll ask me if she can ride with me to the store- "I'm out of tampons," she'll explain in a normal conversational tone, as though saying she needs shampoo.

She gets a big laugh out of her mother because she's unable to say "tampon" in a normal voice- she feels the need to stage whisper it, or use some silly euphemism like "girly stuff". And she's a nurse, no less.

But talking to her dad about it? No problem.

Guess I've done something right over the past 15 years...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 25 Mar 2008, 14:57, closed)

I like
how almost all of CL's posts revolve entirely around her fangita. Well, not literally. Maybe that could be the next QOTW. "Fannies. Tell us about yours." I could probably read that for hours.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 15:29, closed)

And of course
No male b3tan ever refers to his genitalia. Ever.

;-)
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 15:48, closed)