Fortunately not me....
....but an old workmate of mine.
At a large London department store, where we worked, he went for a dump in the gents (as you do), got settled down when he heard from the next cubicle, "Hold on, wrong angle -slide it in slower". There was a murmured, "okay then".

Needless to say he hurried up and didn't hang around to find out who the shagger and shaggee were.
(CdrVimes, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:58, Reply)

Yet more Yanks...
but this time in Yankland.

Yank A: Do they have Thanksgiving in England?
Yank B: No, they have different holidays to us.
Yank A: Oh... OK. What about Presidents' Day?

*urg*

And later, same Yank A comes out with "Do they have TV in England? I was over there during the war and they didn't have it then, but those guys have got it now, right?"

*mnnnnnnngh*
( frunt It's been a while..., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:58, Reply)

"Oh say can you see"
More American tourist goodness:

My sister was once approached on Edinburgh's Princes Street by a visitor from the US of A who asked "Can you tell me where Edinburgh Castle is?" (For those of you unfamiliar with Embra it LOOMS above Princes Street.)

Making use of her finger and words like "big", "castle", "shaped", "building" and "there" my sis managed to bridge the cultural divide.

As someone else has pointed out: it's the smart, well-informed ones who come here.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:54, Reply)

An Overweight colleague
of mine was talking to her irritating (and stupid) boyfriend on the phone one day when I heard here reading out a pizza menu. "large cheese feast, large meat feast, spicy chicken..." and on it went. I thought she was just telling him what was available until she said, "how much does that come to? do you want anymore?" I nearly choked on my biscuit when I heard her say, "£73.24? do you think that's enough for the two of us?"
(cheeseygoatboy, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:47, Reply)

More Yank McGubbins
reading the Yank stories makes you wonder - these are the ones with the passports, what can the others that never made it out of their country be like?

1 st Yank story

in Egypt in 92 visiting the great Pyramid, stuck between a group of the motherf****s on the steep stairwell climb up...having sped past in the hope of losing them I ended up with a family of them spending the whole time arguing about their cam corders in the Queen's room

beautiful moment of life changing gravitas pissed away with a yankee domestic

2nd Yank story

Preston Train station 99

american backpacker walks into burger king (I was already seated a'sucking on my orange juice), marches straight up to the counter - and when asked what he wants says:

"gee I came all this way up to the counter and I dunno what I want, let me go look at the board...." he then spends the next 10 minutes articulating every thought that flicks through his head whilst looking at the board:

"gee I don't like the onions with that one...what's that one like, do I want that one.... etc etc"

americans eh...

bless
(willtheyorwon'tthey, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:40, Reply)

and another
there were two girls and a guy who used to get the same train as me every morning. One day it was running late, so one of the girls was phoning her work to let them know she was delayed. The person she was speaking to was called Ashish, and on hearing this, the guy with her turned round and said 'has she got a sister called Donna?'
(whydobirdssuddenlyappear, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:37, Reply)

Even more brilliance from
my colleagues.

The security guard downstairs was overheard saying to a young black couple whom he suspected of shoplifting:

"I'm sick of f**king **black people** coming in my f**king shop and f**king nicking stuff."

Bizarre really, as the security guard himself is a black man.

NB Substitute **black people** for a very politically incorrect collective term beginning with "N".
(Highlander, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:37, Reply)

short one, made me laugh on the train from swansea to london,

there was a guy on his mobile,

(In a loud voice)

"Hello, helloooo...yes..Hi darling, I'm on the phone!"

Idiot!
(thundercat, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:36, Reply)

Americans again.....
On a visit to Busch Gardens, Florida, my mate and I stopped by some turtles/tortoises, the massive ones. Not much happened at first, until the male decided he wanted some. Slowly walking over to his missus, then mounting, a good few minutes of huffing and puffing, it was all over with him giving off a victory roar. My mate and I were in stiches because we're really mature then cue American lady to her husband "so which ones the male?".
( Duphrates Revolutionary Biscuit, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:35, Reply)

In Amsterdam
Overheard two obviously excited teenagers talking:

Teen 1 - "What shall we do?"
Teen 2 - "Get stoned or shag a whore?"
Teen 3 - "Fuck it, let's do both"

Good work lads
(Joons, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:35, Reply)

Not an overhearing issue
a situation of someone over-seeing me?
I was walking along with my friend and for some reason I was giving him a estimate of how bit something was, but with the "I caught a fish - it was THIS BIG" hand action. a man leaned out of an approaching car and as he went past shouted "YOUR JOKING - IT CANT BE THAT BIG"
was the best bit of timed comedy ever from a chor.
( Nostrebor can't be everything all the time., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:28, Reply)

pub toilet conversation
"Hiya Dubs, haven't seen you in here for ages"
"Nah, I'm laying off the beer, 'cause I passed my test and bought a car"
"Jees, that's a bit of a heavy sacrifice innit?"
"Nah, nah, it's a Fiat"
Just aswell I was already at the urinal, or I'd have pished maself.
(Chillumm, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:27, Reply)

Earwigging on a bus? Never.
The scene: A few years ago on the number 11 bus in Brum.
Me and 3 mates sat on the back seat of the top deck heading to Acocks Green. Sitting just in front was a Rastafarian bloke, his missus and misbehaving sprog. Rastafarian turns to his son and says (apply accent as required) "I brought ya inta dis world, I take you out again"
(Letharge, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:22, Reply)

No way back
Friends of friends were in a restaurant with their three-year-old daughter when the wee one suddenly pipes up apropos nothing "Mummy, I love your fanny. Daddy, I love your willy."

Cue sharp intakes of breath all round and hard stares from the other diners. The parents were so stunned that they couldn't think of anything to say to laugh it off as innocent child-babble (which it was).

I believe they may have emigrated. I would have...
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:15, Reply)

super fan
I stood listening to a confused and angry old lady in the street once upon a time (a couple of years ago), she was talking loudly to herself about the 'beekulz' (the beatles)....a few people had either stopped or were walking pretty slowly past her by this point.....she then flipped a little more as two young ladies walked by grinning and shouted "ooh ooh the beekulz avn't split up cuntzz"...?????

I have length that I'm proud of sir.
(gerrytaggart, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:13, Reply)

Worked in a hotel once...
with some very very stupid people. One particular twunt said these within an hour of each other:

1) Is the Queen, like, a virgin then?

2) What's the ingredients for egg mayonaise?
( frunt It's been a while..., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:13, Reply)

Aspirin
Overheard in college:
"I've got some aspirin on my cock. You can take it orally or as a suppository."
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:13, Reply)

stupid evil racist elderly
So I'm in the queue to pay my cheque into the bank, and cos I'm living in leafy nowhere town it's a tiny bank with one cashier and a million old 'dears' rattling away.
Conversation I heard went as follows:

{Vera} - My Charlotte has just come back off holiday.
{Ethel} - Oh yes, I seen her. She's a lovely colour.
{Vera} - Yes, not like one of those awful coloured people.

Guh. I was still in a fragile way from a serious night's drinking, and it was all I could do to not puke down myself after that.

Sorry for length.
(lemonymillenniumbaboon, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:11, Reply)

That reminds me of
I worked for a co. in Brentwood, and found a text file hidden away containing a list of stupid stuff that had happened, or been said in the company. I don't know why it was there, it just was.

One girl, whose name I can't remember, featured loads in there. She used to come out with some belters, apparently. Most of which I can't remember but this stuck in my mind:

Girl: "Raj, you studied Bio-chemistry at Uni, didn't you?"
Raj (cagily): "Yeah... why?"
Girl: "Well, it's just that I'm having a baked potato for lunch and wondered if it might taste nice with mushrooms?"
Raj: "????"

True, apparently.
(weedom, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:10, Reply)

More Americans
This time walking around the ruins of Pompeii. On some of the walls you can still see murals and the roman lettering enscripted on it. One middle-aged septic sees the ancient roman numerals and exclaims "Oh my gawd! That writing! It's so modern!"

At the amphi-theatre, another middle-aged septic looks around this ancient space and says "It's like a baseball field. Do you think the Romans based it on that?"
(bloodydoorsoff, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:10, Reply)

There was a couple
...who were having a loudish conversation on the bus that myself and a friend were sitting behind. Well, I say a conversation, it was more of him talking, and trying to impress this quite attractive lady on what appeared to be their first date.

Which would have worked if he wasn't coming out with utter crap, such as 'you know, in Finland, it's daytime 24 hours a day, except for between the hours of 2 and 3 in the morning.' At which point, she turned around, and gave us a look of utter desperation. We returned the favour by giving her a look of 'well - *you're* the one dating him'...
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 15:55, Reply)

Hey, camel related incident
I also doubt very much if you are in reality a three inch long hairy gash.

Tis poetic license my dear
(Cock it says kapow!, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 15:52, Reply)

Here we go again
One from the ladies in our office this time. One of the girls I work with (as is traditional we'll call her George, 'cos that's her name) was overheard the other day saying:

"Ewwwwww. I don't like tuna.


It tastes like fish."

Fucking brilliant.
(Highlander, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 15:50, Reply)

Scandalised old lady
I was sitting in a pub once, drinking my pint, and since I was bored of the current conversation around me, my mind wandered to that of a scandalised old lady a couple of tables away. She was saying:

"There he was, standing in front of the french windows, doing his ironing, WITHOUT A STITCH ON!"

Needless to say I sprayed my beer all over the table....
(Peelmytangerines, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 15:46, Reply)

In Bali
a rotund, perspiring American gentleman was having trouble making himself understood to the pidgin-english speaking chappie at the train ticket office.

No matter how loud or slowly he spoke, he couldn't understand what the local chappie was saying. Exasperated and needing help, our yankee doodle dandy turned round to my australian friend's dad, who was behind him in the queue:

"Excuse me, do YOU speak American?" asked the American.

"American? No, mate" replied the Aussie.

And with that, the American turned back to the ticket office counter and continued his painful dialogue, wishing for all the world for someone who spoke his language.
(bloodydoorsoff, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 15:38, Reply)

oopsie
My brother and his lovely girlfriend were visiting some pals to see the new baby and my brothers girlfriend said just as there pals were coming in ' Coo look at the wee fella he's so cute you just want to kick his face off '!!!!!!!!!!.
(chossy, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 15:33, Reply)

Deep fried baby, anyone? No? Shame. It's right tasty.
A couple of years ago a (female) friend of my was unfortunate enough to give birth to one of those children things. Out of a sense of duty & the like, me and two mates went to the maternity hospital to look at the shaved monkey looking creature and offer our commiserations at the loss of her ability to go out/have fun for a few years.

Whilst looking/poking the larval looking thing, I suggested that maybe eating babies would be quite idea. Now, this being the NHS, it was a shared ward with 7 other new mothers & brats. Add to this, my mates & I were all dressed in black trenchcoaty things, all looking like the sad Neo-wannabes we were; which caused much consternation amongst the 12 year old chav mothers of 6 in the room.

All women hugged their babies closer, stared at me with their poison eyes. I carried regardless. They'd be like suckling pig or milk veal, all pale & tender. Eat the hands deed fried, like pork scratchings.
I am not a godfather, or allowed near children anymore.

I will not apologise for length, no sir. What's good enough for John Holmes is good enough for me.
(Lord of the Pies, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 15:25, Reply)

Book shop fun and south devon idiocy
In WHSmiths buying some book on jam or something when I was stuck behind a woman buying a birthday present.

Woman - I need to get a book, I think it's about football, for my son's birthday.
Serving man - Do you know the name?
Woman - I'm not really sure
Serving man - Well, do you know if it's fiction or non-fiction?
Woman - No idea. I do know it's a true story though.

One of those occasions where you have to leave the shop for fear of being arrested for laughing.

One other, in a pub in Torquay where a bloke was having a blazing row with his "bitch" as he called her. At one point he backed up his point of view by saying

"Listen bitch, I know everyone in Torquay and they're all saying you've been going behind my back."

Everyone? Does he really? My mum's never mentioned him and she's lived there for over 30 years.
(timolsky, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 15:22, Reply)

Helpdesk days....
I over heard my old boss say to a colleague.... (Yorkshire accent, lips to the side)
'I like to have a shit and a wank at the same time!'
hmmmmm quite disturbing hey kids?!
(spratz, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 15:20, Reply)