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Godwin's Lawyer tells us: "I once worked with a lad who believed 'Frankenstein' was based on a true story, and that the book was written by Shirley Bassey." Tell us about your workplace dopes.

(, Thu 3 Mar 2011, 15:34)
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That explains it
I knew Dan for a while anyway but we briefly worked together so he counts as a colleague.

In our late teen years, we were at another friend's parent's house (who were on hols for a week), enjoying the rare treat of being able to get shtoned in a nice living room with a big telly.

Flicking through the satellite channels, we came across a Robert Redford film dubbed into German. "I didn't know he could speak German!" says Dan. I looked at him with a grin, thinking he was being witty. He wasn't. Smirking like the little smartarse I was, I said "yeah, all major films are shot in multiple languages, so they can sell them overseas. They do the scene in English, then start again in French, German, Japanese and so on".

While the others supressed their giggles, Dan let this rattle around his vaguely canine mind for a few moments. Taking a deep toke, he held it in and treated us to "that's probably why films take so long to make then", before exhaling a large plume of smoke, nodding sagely and turning his little beady red eyes back to the screen.
(, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 12:25, 1 reply)
So Mrs Vagabond and I bought our flat, and proceeded to spend much of the first fortnight running about doing aeroplanes, eating takeaways, and planning what to do with each room.
One of my first jobs was to replace the horrible white plastic light switches everywhere.

I thought I'd takle the hallway first, and, armed with a brand new electrical screwdriver, a pencil and paper for drawing a map, and the enthusiasm of total inexperience, I marched up to my first switch. Wielding my screwdriver, I said "Right!" in a workman-like manner that I knew would make Mrs V all giggly, and moved towards my target.

"I'll, er ... I'll just switch off the electricity, shall I?" suggested Mrs V.
(, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 11:49, 9 replies)
Who let the bunnies out?
The receptionist had just been away for a romantic weekend in a log cabin in the New Forest with her boyfriend, but returned concerned and angered. "They were just running around everywhere, on the road and everything" she complained, oblivious to the howls of laughter around her. "You'd think people would take more care of their rabbits."
She couldn't get her head round the concept of wild rabbits once it was explained to her either. "How did they get there? What do they eat? Where do they go at night? IN A HOLE??? Shut up, don't be stupid, they would die."
I dread to think what would happen if she saw Watership Down, her head would probably explode.
(, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 11:27, 4 replies)
I used to work in Minehead, north coast of Somerset, alot of people thought that Wales was France.......
not colleagues, but so stupid its worth a mention
(, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 10:59, 1 reply)
I once had to explain to someone
Airmail stickers won't make things any quicker for national mail
(, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 10:55, Reply)
Role Play
At our annual safety training bit I was asked, during some role play, to get some simple things wrong so that one of the others could show us the right thing to do when someone displays a complete lack of knowledge in a safety briefing. So when she asked me a question I repeatedly got it wrong 'on purpose' and even though she knew it was role play and had been briefed that I was going to be doing this, she started to get a bit angry that I was getting something so simple so very wrong, displaying the exact opposite of what a supervisor is meant to do when someone gets things wrong. Which was the whole point of the exercise I suppose.
(, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 9:48, 1 reply)
When the red bar for Olympic record times was introduced for the swimming, a lovely friend of mine exclaimed, "You would think they would hit their heads on that bar. A bit dangerous don't you think?". To which I could only agree.

Her world was infectious and you always came away just a little bit dimmer, but somehow happier for it.
(, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 7:06, 7 replies)

I won't mention her name, but besides being the most friendliest and quites frankly best looking member of staff i've come across she has the brain of a hamster.

I once took a friend of mine two hours to explain the concept of evolution to her and she still doesn't understand.

Any way the other week i made a joke somewhere in the region of an englishman, scotsman, irishman affair.She still asks me why the irishman didn't bother taking a lighter into the prison cell with him.

(If you don't know the joke i'll post it in the replys.)
(, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 6:51, 5 replies)
Visiting the States..
First time in the US. At a small college (university without graduate students) for the disaffected children of the absurdly rich on an exchange. A question I was asked at least five times in the first month: "So you're from Australia huh?" [pregnant pause] "That's in the southern hemisphere, right?"
(, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 3:57, 4 replies)
When Titanic came out I was chatting with three colleagues, one of whom about going to see it that night. I made the observation that while three hours was far too long for any film, the special effects were supposed to be fabulous. I quite fancied watching it launch, going out for a pint and then going back in for the last hour to watch it sink.

At which point the girl who was going to see it got a bit huffy. "What do you mean, it sinks? Well, thanks for spoiling it for me!" And walked off. It was mildly funny. I thought she was joking.

She wasn't.
(, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 1:57, 9 replies)
The Fax of Life
This happened in my first job, back in the mists of time when the fax was pretty special and mobile phones were the size of carry-on luggage.

One of the big sales-dudes from Lahndahn had come up for a meeting and after work we all trooped dutifully off to the pub to save him from the hell that is sitting alone in a hotel room, reading a copy of The Day of The Jackal that you found on top of the wardrobe.

It all went on pretty late and by the latter stages there were only about three of us left, when I announced that I'd spent my wad and I'd be off. Sales-dude, ever fearful of TDoTJ, pressed a tenner into my hand and said

"'Ere, I'm lending you this, now get it spent"

Didn't see SD the next day and it was a couple of weeks later, during an unrelated business call, that he playfully reminded me that I still owed him a tenner.

"No problem Steve - I'll fax it down to you at lunchtime".

"Oh. Cheers!" [rings off]

A couple of minutes later my phone rang again.
(, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 1:12, 2 replies)
I was having this work conversation about marriage and things,
and on the subject of rings I said I really liked the idea (from the film The Abyss) of a titanium wedding ring. Anyway, Fuckwitcow (not her real name) blusters and starts calling me tight and a cheapskate, and the conversation breaks down as myself and the two mobile technician guys have no idea where she's getting this from.

It was about two days later that it occurred to me that perhaps she didn't know the difference between titanium and the cubic zirconia in her Lizzy Duke. If it's not that, then fuck knows...
(, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 0:26, 14 replies)
The Ice Sheets Went Everywhere
When I lived in Tucson, Arizona, in the middle of the Sonoran Desert, I once talked to a colleague, who was enrolled as a student for an advanced degree in geography and climate, about the Ice Ages. I suddenly realized he was under the impression the ice sheets had gone everywhere in the Ice Ages, including Tucson, and maybe down to the Equator. I was going to ask about those happy days when humans frolicked with dinosaurs, but was afraid of his answer.
(, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 0:02, 7 replies)

I had a friend come to visit from overseas some years ago. He had a long flight and of course as soon as he landed we took him out on the lash. He ended up looking ashen and spewing everywhere before passing out. The next morning he vowed and declared that it wasn't the alcohol that caused the problem. Instead he was convinced he had suffered from culture shock.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 23:18, 18 replies)
Hoover boy
A blond, curly-haired, lanky Scottish guy got an internship at a former workplace of mine. Each morning he was clearly either coffee-grappling his way out of a K-hole or the most depressed creature on the planet. He had made it clear to us that he didn't need the position with a series of smug remarks about his uni grades and how his dad was a big-time producer for the BBC. We thought he was a bit of a prat, but presumed some intelligence was packed behind the arsey exterior.

Anyway, one afternoon, him being an intern and all (I was too, but working in a fancier kind of slavery) and there not being much on, I asked him to hoover a smallish office. Brought him the hoover, left him to it.

'Ok', he said.

I went back to my desk round the corner.

There followed twenty-five minutes of silence.

Eventually I went to see if he was alive.

I find him, chin in hand, staring intently at the hoover, which is still lying on the ground, lifeless.

'What's wrong?' I say.

'I can't get the hoover to work. I think it's broken.'

I look down at it.

'It's not plugged in.'

(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 22:12, 6 replies)
Simple maths
Our trainee is a nice lad. Sometimes he can totally surprise you with an act of kindness or an unexpected mature and helpful response. Other times he can completely baffle you with unparalleled fuckwittery.

Highlights of fuckwittery include:

[During a boring training session I was delivering to check he was still awake]
Me: "How minutes in an hour, Nick?"
Nick: "I dunno..."
Me: "Seriously?"
Nick: "I didn't do maths"
Me: "But you have to, it's core curriculum isn't it?"
Nick: "I was always getting kicked out of class"

[Upon having to cancel a focus group at short notice]

My Boss: "Nick, please can you put a sign on training room door to tell anyone who hasn't had the e-mail that the focus group has been cancelled?"
Nick : "Yep..."

Boss walks past the door and finds the 'sign' on the door in the form of a piece of notepad paper, replete with shorthand telephone notes nestled in the top corner, sellotaped landscape to the door with "Focus group cancelled see Nick in IT"

But bless him he's a lovely lad and secretly I'm quite fond of him.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 21:46, Reply)
I have a friend
who, some years ago, was trying to book a flight to Oz. This was before teh internets had been discovered. Obviously he wanted this as cheap as possible so he was ringing round various travel agencies and comparing the meerkat. One particular agency gave him a fantastic price, but he just wanted to make sure it was safe...

'Are you ABTA?' asks matey
'No' sez travel geezer, 'I'm Arif'

He booked with someone else.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 21:22, 1 reply)
My ex-colleague Megan
is convinced that jet-lag is name for the streams of condensation that form behind high-flying jets. Travellers suffer from jet-lag because these trails are poisonous.

Megan has also opined that gammon is a type of fish. And she was once persuaded with stunning ease that the film Mamma Mia was shot entirely in Sweden, on account of it being ABBA and that.

She is possibly the dumbest collection of atoms in existence. But she does have lovely tits, so everyone wins.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 18:59, 9 replies)
I used to work for the post office
fuck me that place is a breeding ground for the dregs of society. I'm pretty sure the post office employs people that can't get employed anywhere else. I, of course, moved on to bigger and better things.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 18:39, 5 replies)
Sometimes the explanation is MUCH weirder than simple stupidity.
Years ago I was doing a sales course (which I failed, because I couldn't be arsed to lie for money).

During the cold calling section this lad, a former pig keeper who didn't want to live on 60 a week and condemned bacon any more, pops his hand up, and says "What if the door opens and your worst enemy's there?"

Cue much derisive LOLling, in which I joined.
Later I found out he came from here: This is a triangle in Suffolk, 10 miles on each side, where the inbreeding has gone on for a millennium.

There were 16 people in that room with him, and he admitted to me afterwards that that was the largest number of non-relatives he'd ever met. He was 26.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 17:30, 5 replies)
At my kids' ex-school
the headteacher worked with someone who was so stupid he thought it would be ok to groom a couple of girls and sexually assault them which led to being found guilty of rape the other day. Oh how we laughed at the fat nonce.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 17:21, 1 reply)
An hour ago...
We are tracking some missing some transactions on a major implementation, and all the parties are in a call.

It's mediated by a nice fella, but not that quick witted. We all search our logs for said data. When it is not found at one hop... he asks if we are all using the same time criteria "You're not using Summer GMT and European GMT in your slection are you?"

(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 16:21, Reply)
I was sitting with an IT chap yesterday
Thrashing out what seemed to be a particularly thorny issue, and which seemed to me to be unnecessarily complex.

As he clicked through screens and menus and I explained again the detail of what we needed and what needed to be done, the penny finally dropped, and he declared "Oh god right! I'm such a nonce!"
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 16:18, Reply)
Geography fail
I used to work remotely for a US company from Ireland. The boss came over for a week one time. During the course of a conversation he asked me if he could catch a train to England. I said no.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 13:56, 2 replies)
My partner once phoned me from work. He said he couldn't focus as he'd been to McDonalds for breakfast and kept thinking about Big Macs and how wasteful they were. I asked him to explain this baffling statement, and he went on to say that they use one and a half burger buns for each burger, so what do they do with all the leftover tops? I gently explained that they're specially made buns which are cut into three rather than the usual two, he went back to work happy and I hung up and fell off my chair laughing.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 11:40, 4 replies)
Striped paint, long stand etc.
Our rather comely receptionist got fed up with us sending the trainee to ask her for various ridiculous things when we sent him to ask if he could borrow a set of fallopian tubes for an hour...
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 11:07, 2 replies)
Also, Noodles.
Same job, different co-worker.

Once proudly announced that he'd figured out that you don't need a microwave for cooking instant noodles. You can just pour boiling water on them and wait a couple of minutes. He was 34.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 11:01, 2 replies)
I once had to spend half an hour in a bar, racking my brains for the dregs of my knowledge of GCSE physics so that I could explain to a colleague exactly why 'gravity' was not caused by the weight of the air in the atmosphere pushing everything down.

The penny dropped for him when I asked if this was the case, how do you think they walked on the moon?

His answer? "They wear big heavy boots!... Oh..."

I then had to try and explain the concept of mass causing a gravitational pull. I had to give up at that point when he just kept asking 'why?' and my knowledge and sketchy memory ran out.

I never pretend to be particularly smart, but the ignorance of some people is quite amazing.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 10:55, 11 replies)
Love film, hate thinking
A guy I recently worked with took out a love film subscription under my advice. He's a nice enough lad but a bit dim. As we sat bored he bagan adding titles to his rental list via an iPhone app.
"Think I'll just add jurassic park." he said with a smile. Remembering a conversation from the day before I asked "Didn't you just watch that?" a previous conversation popped into my head. "Hang on, you've got the box set on DVD!"
"Oh, aye." he said with a big shit eating grin.

Not only did he try and rent something he had, he had used it within a week.

Edit: I should also add he didn't really understand the film, a film I grasped the plot of before turning 10.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 1:11, 3 replies)

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