My little brother, innocent as you like, aged about 5 or 6
When asked by my fundamentalist christian mother what he'd been learning about in Sunday school that morning replied, "Steve."
"Steve?" she said, confused. She didn't think there were any Steve's in the Bible.
"Yea," he said, "you know, Steve? Adam and Steve!"
He'd inadvertantly made the first two people on earth a gay couple and announced it in front of my (and his of course) devoutly christian mother and her equally christian friends
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 6:13, 6 replies)

At work. Received an overly long email
Resorted to Twitter, complaining that I wish I could reply 'tl;dr' to emails.

All subsequent emails from this person have been constrained to the subject field.

Moral of this tale: tactless works
(retrac fumble in the jungle, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 0:48, 4 replies)

Coathangers
"One of my mum's friends went to work in an abortion clinic...as a 'good luck in your new job' present we bought her a bottle of gin and a coathanger."

This wouldn't have been so bad if we hadn't been two of a number of nervous-looking women in the waiting room of a BPAS clinic at the time, and we both hadn't dissolved into hysterical giggles.
(and now for someone completely different, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 21:10, 5 replies)

Two about cigarettes . . .
Was out having a cigarette with two of the other IT bods from work, and got talking to an Older Gent from our company, also having a crafty fag.

"Ahh, so YOU'RE Sigourney'sBeaver, then?" he asked, "you're the one that deals with the intranet, aren't you? I hear you're working with Sophie on the department's intranet pages."

"Yes," I said, "But she's a complete liability. She doesn't have a clue what she's doing, and I pretty much have to redo all the work she does on them. She's pretty stupid, really, how, I mean just HOW did she get a job working here? Really?"

IT bod: "Sophie is Older Gent's daughter, you know."



But she WAS totally vacant.

_______________________________________

Another one:

Setting the scene - three of us watching TV round a mates house: Tony (who's house it is, and who's father has recently died from lung cancer) and Matt, as well as myself.

Me (to Matt): Got a spare fag?

Matt: No. Get your own.

Me: You tight git. I always give you a cig when you ask for one!

Matt: Aye, rollies!

Me: Then why ask for them if you don't like rollies?

Matt: Cos just but though! A rollie is not the same as a cigarette, value wise!

Me: You unbelievably tight bastard.

Matt: OK, here's a cigarette. But I hope it's the one that gives you cancer and kills you!

Twat.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 18:23, 2 replies)

squawk squawk squawk SQUAWK.
squawk squawk squawk, squawk squawk squawk.
squawk SQUAWK SQUAWK squawk squawk.
squawk Honda Accord Honda Accord squawk.
squawk karake kick karate kick squawk.
squawk SQUAWK!
squawk shagged a supermodel shagged a supermodel squawk.

SQUAWK! SQUAWK!
(bollocks parrot squawk squawk squawk, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 16:48, 16 replies)

My school friend
had a notoriously foul mouth. Whenever invited round to mates' houses he would generally let something slip in front of ma or pa. One time, at a friend's whose parents were perhaps stricter than most he made an extra effort not to say any naughty words. He did so well whilst regaling a story, until he got the end and said, "...and then he fucking twatted the cunt". Beautiful.
(The Tramp Surveyor, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 16:45, 1 reply)

best practice
My dad always said, when on a bus, he would rather see a pregnant woman standing, than a fat woman sitting down crying.
(palmerswoon, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 15:36, 19 replies)

Me: "My experience of the French is that they are a right bunch of miserable bastards."
Colleague: "My Mother is French."

Me: "Right. So she must be a miserable bastard too then?"

Colleague: "....."
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 15:18, 8 replies)

At my brother's wedding, greeting line after the ceremony...
Mother of former running buddy (said buddy had since become quite a bit of a cunt): "My, but you've put on a lot of weight!"

Me (smiling): "Why, thank you for noticing! And might I say how very old you're looking nowadays."

Her, stunned silence. Her husband, gazing at floor. My Aunt and Uncle, laughing uproariously.

Damn, it felt good.
(sloremonger, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 14:54, 2 replies)

Part of an email I have just had from some recruitment people, cut and pasted:
IPOD AND WINDOWS XP

With the sad news of the death of Steve Jobs comes the timely reminder that it is only ten years ago that Apple launched the iPod, an iconic gadget that has changed the way we access our music on the move. Windows XP was also launched – how many of us at the time really understood that Windows was operating two different systems depending on whether you had the home or business package?
( DeadEyeDick, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 14:49, 15 replies)

Fat girls get angry when you remind them that they're fat
and I thought they were supposed to be jolly...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 14:31, 11 replies)

Ooops
After installing a new production machine for a mail house, I was approached by a posse of 'mature' female operators who informed me that they would never be able to learn all 'this computer stuff'.

"Don't worry" sez I, "we can teach old dogs new tricks".

I think what followed could be described as a tumbleweed moment.
(Cadmire, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 14:07, Reply)

A friend of mine at university
drank a spectacular amount of booze and still managed to take a seemingly easy bird back to his place for the night to do the dirty. In the morning he asked her if he owed her any money...
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 14:02, 1 reply)

funerals bring out the worst in people
my father announced a bit too loudly that the "bastard never liked me anyway" at his father-in-law's funeral. my mum and grandma were UNamused.

and at my grandma's funeral, a few months ago now, my uncle had arranged for it to be open casket. my brother and i dithered around for ages. it seemed rude not to go in. we really didn't want to go in. etc. eventually we felt we had to.

so we walked into the chapel of rest and the only 2 people in there with the body were my uncle and some random woman. my uncle greeted us as we walked towards him. just as we got near enough for our eyes to fall on the tiny stretched face that used to be our grandma, the strange woman pointed a finger at me.

"so you're rachelswipe," she said accusingly. i looked at her. "you played with my daughter at his wedding in 1985," she went on. (i had been 7 at this wedding) "all night the two of you played together. and now. now you're a city lawyer and she's a drug addict in wakefield prison."

it takes a lot to silence me. it takes even more to silence my uncle, who's a councillor. but that did it. we were all more frozen than the bloody corpse that was lying in the middle of us!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 13:47, 11 replies)

At my mother-in-law's funeral, my wife called me 'tactless'. Well, I think she did...

I couldn't hear properly over my iPod.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 13:25, 2 replies)

A few years back,
I was sharing a house with a guy who was only about twenty. I moved in with my (then) girlfriend and invited a bunch of people over for a BBQ to celebrate. This fella came along as did an old friend of my (then) girlfriends, who was known for her loose morals. Anyway, there was an extra room, at this house, on the other side of the yard and my former housemate and said lady had agreed to share it rather than drive home. Naturally, a 'gee it's cold here' line came up and the fella was straight off the sofa and into the bed where the lady was waiting to warm things up. Now he was in his very early twenties, she in her mid thirties. A mutual friend told us that the fella stopped 'mid thrust' and said

'Wow, I can't believe you're so old!'

before carrying on as though nothing had happened. I remind him of this fairly often.
( The Togaboy The world will end on, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 13:18, Reply)

This morning I woke up and some cunt called gritty yet fluffy had posted a story about illegal sexual activity involving a child.
Tactless: bluntly inconsiderate or indiscreet


Indiscreet like grit master fuck bag who relentlessly bashes someone for
Making a nonce joke but has posted the below on b3ta.

******** I was a member of a website populated by the shadiest assortment of basement-dwelling dog-rapists & kiddy-fiddlers who also happened to be in possession of the shonkiest set of photoshop skills that ever graced the lowest gutters of this internet. It was a truly magnificent place.******

Magnificent! Really?

Someone please think of the CHILDREN!!!! (and dogs)
(OTT, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 12:23, 45 replies)

I will burn in hell.
Went to a funeral with a friend this year where I knew the rest of the family more than the corpse. He had committed suicide by the neck stretching method.
We were there quite early and as the church was filling up decided to take our seats. Been sat there a while but still some time to go before anything happened so I sent a text to the friend I was with.

"Fancy a game of hangman?"
(jvz, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 12:06, 1 reply)

Likewise homosexual anti-bullying activists probably won't find it very funny if you describe something crap as
"A bit gay".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 11:48, 10 replies)

my portly father babysitting for the neighbour..
The neighbour dropped them off as I was departing and I caught this gem which caused me to return to rub it in. Small girl to parent - 'Mummy, I didn't know men could get pregnant!'

Still makes me smile. My dad never said yes to babysitting after that mind..
(skgorsky, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 11:43, Reply)

oh dear dear
recently a work colleague was complaining about his foot hurting and using it an excuse to make me do chores involving walking up and down a set of stairs. of course, i teased him. diddums and words to that effect.

he'd broken two bones in his ankle.

a year ago another friend was complaining about severe stomach cramps and using it an excuse to make me fetch him juice from the kitchen fridge. again, i teased him.

he texted me the next morning from the hospital. hernia.
(ladyintheradiator, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 10:58, 4 replies)

:(
Her: Is that it? I thought it would be bigger.

Me, a 14 year old who was proud of it.
Anyway, she didn't have one of her own, but I heard she did test quite a few...
(Underpants, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 9:42, 2 replies)

I went back to the nursing home to apologise.
Oooops.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 8:47, 1 reply)

Never...
...tell your girlfriend that her new haircut makes her face look like a puffer fish.

It'll ruin your Saturday and most of your Sunday.


Just think it instead.
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 8:26, 13 replies)

This morning I woke up and Professor Kenny Martin had posted a story about illegal sexual activity involving a child.
Quentin Oftiweak
Guntfuggle Quackblast
TheManWithThePlan
CactusZack
and
fluffybunnykiller
all thought it was perfectly acceptable to make offensive jokes about this very sad event.

Am I being less tactless by posting this here, or should I really have gazed him privately about his filthy offensiveness & tactlessness?

www.b3ta.com/questions/tactless/post1421673

I really don't think I've the hang of this yet :/
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Tue 8 Nov 2011, 4:52, 217 replies)

Tactless? Maybe. Funny? Hell yes ...
On Sunday, hubby and I were working in the garden. We were engaged in all manner of merry shrubbery massacre when disaster struck.

The tree limb my husband was sawing snapped sooner than he expected and bounced up into his face. Blood everywhere. Our poor wee girls, aged 8 and 4 dealt with the disaster bravely, fetching towels and my phone for me, just in case it was an A&E job. After a while, the situation calms down. It's an icepack, asprin and a lie down instead of a hospital trip.

My 8 year old daughter asked her stricken father, "Daddy, can we still play Stratego (her favourite boardgame) this afternoon, please?" My poor husband looks at her through a bloodied towel.

"No darling, I'll bleed all over the place."

"That's alright. You can play the red pieces."

Tactless, or just innocent piss taking?
(Que?, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 3:44, 5 replies)

Princess Di
My Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer in 1997. I was with him one day and he bought up the subject of his funeral. (This was after the funeral circus that was Princess Di). I asked him if he wanted ‘to be driven all around the city and get waved at like Princess Di’. He declined politely.
Still shudder when I think of that.
Also, gathered at the funeral directors after his exit from planet earth and gathering together the usual family information, my sister, quite sternly kept insisting that my brother had 3 children, not 4. (one of his daughters had died of cancer some years previously). He won the argument.
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 2:21, 5 replies)

OK, I'm crowbarring this one in, cos I just bashed it out as a reply on /links at gone 1am and it was too much work to just see vanish...
Besides, I like making ProfKM chuckle. And there are two or three examples of tactlessness in this tale...


I was living in the shittiest room of a six-"person" house as a student.

We got an early-morning visit from the telly licensing cunt.
My bedroom door was locked, and the fucker woke me by banging on it at about 8am. I ignored it.
I could tell what was going on, cos a housemate (helpful!) shouted who it was, thereby giving the tosser the conviction that I was indeed in the room.
So he carried on banging the door. For several hours. Astonishingly persistent.
Eventually, some time after 11am, I realised this might be a day-long war of attrition, and it was a horrible room I hated spending any time in. And this was at a time when I liked stepping out and having things to do.
I gazed at the knackered, 12-inch black and white portable telly that only picked up two channels, with its screen covered with red wax dribbles from ill-positioned candles, and thought: "Sod this".
I got dressed, picked up the small hammer from my crappy tool bag, and unlocked the door.
"You're very rude," I said to the weaselly prick who was standing there. "What do you want?" I probably looked as pissed-off as I was feeling.
"Have you got a license for that television?"
I turned and put the hammer through the screen. Been wanting to do it for years, and finally had the excuse. Disappointing lack of spectacular sparks, but hey ho.
I turned back to him, hammer in hand, glaring. "What television?"

He left. Swiftly.
( Sea Tramp the thinking woman's 8 Ace, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 1:41, 8 replies)

Oops
Several years ago a friend attempted suicide after a messy and violent relationship breakup by downing a cocktail of various painkillers washed down with bacardi.
Then had a change of heart, dialled 999 and was rescued in nick of time.
Cue many months of shock, sympathy and diplomatic responses from her friends and family.
Time passes, counselling sessions come to an end and a year or so later no-one feels the need to tiptoe around the subject anymore, life resumes its normal pace, she is now happy in a new relationship ( who incidentally she met in a group counselling session)
Last summer a group of us got together for a BBQ
A hour or so in she mentioned she was suffering a bit of a headache and asked the host if they had any aspirin or anything.
Richard ( for that was his name) came back with a handful of blister packs and uttered the immortal line.
'Ive got aspirin, codeine, ibuprofen and paracetamol, knock yourself out'
Several seconds of stunned silence which was then broken by her crying with laughter while Richard blustered and apologised profusely.

she and her new fella are getting married next year and Richard is to be the best man :)
I'm looking forward to his speech ;)
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 1:05, 3 replies)