My 16th Birthday
My 16th birthday remains the greatest night out I've ever had in my entire life. I've told this story to several people, a few of whom straight out don't believe me, but I swear on my life that every word you are about to read is 100% true.

I was on holiday in Corfu at the time with my parents, and my best mate AJ and his family. It started out nice enough, meal with the parents, had a couple of pint with my shish kebab, after that went to meet AJ at his hotel. Found him in the bar, had a couple there and there. After that we decided to go to the hotel supermarket to buy some stuffto drink by the pool whilst we waited for the group of friends we'd made to arrive. They had an offer on at the supermarket, 10 alcopops for about £5. So we bought 10 different ones. As we left the supermarket, AJ hit on the marvellous idea of going up to his room, emptying a big bottle of water, and pouring all the alcopops into and then drinking the concoction. Being young and full of bravado, I agree that this is a much better idea than sitting by the pool. So up we went. Emptied the biggest bottle there, and poured all the alcopops in. It went a sort of odd muddy brown colour. It looked like the contents of a colostomy bag, and tasted slightly worse, but we necked it between us in no time. By this time we thought that our friends would probably be at the bar waiting for us so we returned.

Upon our arrival, two lads from Huddersfield, one called Lloyd and the other called Jim decided to buy me a drink each. Bottles of amstel. At this point I was feeling decidedly tipsy, but was just getting warmed up. After another amstel which I bought myself we headed out into town, and to the bar we had been frequenting, "seduces", purely because the doorman looked like Frank LeBoeuf.

So we grabbed a table, and I announce that its time for drinking games. Myself, AJ and a couple of other lads in the group played "4 shot gargle". The idea being you get 4 straight shots of vodka, put em in your mouth, and gargle. After a while your throat starts to hurt like fuck. Whoever swallows last, wins. We played 3 rounds of this. After that, I was pretty fuckin drunk, but still well capable of consuming more alcohol.

I went across the street to a bar called "Pinnochio's" to meet another member of our party who hadn't been able to join us from the start. He bought me 2 sex on the beach cocktails whilst I was there, which I promptedly downed and returned to Seduce's.

Now, it's at this point in time where my memory starts to get a little hazy. From here on in this story is pieced together from my own memories, and the stories people told me the day after.

Upon my return to Seduce's, I bought a couple of bottles of cider (2 I think) and drank them whilst I wandered up to the back of the bar where they had a guitar, and me and one of the lads there started playing and singing songs (we'd been doing that all week, thats why I liked going to seduce's, the barman always gave us free drinks for playing songs). So we started playing some stuff. After a while a woman at the bar goes "my son plays guitar, he's much better than you. Do you know 'Norweigan Wood'?", which prompted my reply: "FUCK OFF YOU SAD OLD TROUT". It transpired later that that was the mother of one of our party.

After a while, and once I'd explained it was my 16th birthday, the barman decided it was free drinks time, but for everyone in our group! He made up some shots of something and put them on the bar. About 20 of them (there was a lot of us). These things were bright green, and I have no idea to this day what they were. Me and AJ necked ours, then shouted everyone over for their free drinks. Most people decided they didn't trust this potent looking green stuff, and said we could have them, so we split them down the middle. which woked out about 7 shots each. Which we downed.

By this time I was fucking wrecked, and decided I needed to sober up. I went over to AJ and told him to punch me really hard in the face. He obliged. I asked him again. And again. By this time my nose was streaming blood, and everyone was looking at me with a slightly concerned expression on their faces. I don't remember what happened next, but I remember Frank LeBouef cleaning me up in the toilets.

Once the bleeding stopped I went back to the bar, to be greeted by Lloyd holding a PINT of whisky which he had bought for me. I declined ity, saying that I've had way too much. That's when people started calling me a pussy. Again, my 16 year old bravado got the better of me. I started to drink it, got about halfway down, and lost the feeling in my mouth and throat, pouring the rest of it down my T-Shirt. "That was shit. Let me get you another" said Lloyd. This time, my arms were held and my nose was pinched as they poured the whole fucking pint down my neck. I then ran over to the wall, and threw up violently. After this I decided I needed to go home, so I wandered out of the bar and into a the road. And got hit by a fucking bus. I remember looking to my left, and seeing a pair of headlights, then looking up at a crowd of my friends. It seems the wing mirror and smashed into my shoulder at quite a high speed, spun me round and left me unconcious on the floor, upon which AJ had run into the road and dragged me onto the pavement. I woke and pissed myself laughing, and I still don't know why. Then I lost conciousness again. I was left to sleep on the pavement outside for a little while. Dunno how long it was but once I woke up, I'd actually started to feel a little sober, so I walked home, but not before falling in a ditch on the way back, and lying in some thorn bushes unable to move. An older couple were at the top of the road where they had seen me stagger, and fall about 30 feet into this ditch. The bloke shouted "do you need a hand mate?" to which I shouted "FUCK OFF!". I tried to climb up the embankment, but it was too steep to climb pissed. I slipped and smashed my face into the dirt, and slid back down to the bottom There was a pause, and in a muffled, wounded voice I whimpered "help!". The guy came to my rescue and managed to pull me out and push me up the embankment. That man was a fucking saint.

I continued on uneventfully, till I got back to the apartment, which was on the second floor. Before I ventured up the steps I decided I couldn't let my mother see me like this, so I tried to neaten myself up a bit (a vain effort, as I was covered in blood, vomit and gravel), and practising walking in a straight line, all the while saying "I'm not drunk, I'm not drunk, I haven't even been drinking". After about 15 minutes or so, I thought myself ready to tackle the stairs. I managed to go up two, before tripping and smashing my forehead into a higher step. "FUCK!" I shouted. I then crawled up the stairs one by one, till I got to the top, all the way saying "I'm not drunk, I haven't even been drinking", only to be greeted by a pair of slippers which I recognised as my mum's, and she was in them. I looked up at her, and she said "are you drunk?". "Yesh" came the reply, as I passed out on the stairs.



It was the greatest night of my life.
( PMGT -Bacon., Fri 14 Apr 2006, 14:57, Reply)