Goodness....
This is just like when this QOTW began - everyone wants to be apeloverage!

How long will these (original) puns last?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 30 May 2007, 15:50, Reply)

recieved a load of unsettling phone calls
those were the cranks i got
(BEJINGAS fuck, my cock is too big for these jeans, Wed 30 May 2007, 15:49, Reply)

Careful now
Down with that sort of thing

(Father Ted - wooyay!)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 30 May 2007, 15:48, Reply)

bejingas
Careful or you'll have the pun Police after you.

Not that this board is ever censored of course...
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Wed 30 May 2007, 15:47, Reply)

IVE GOT LOADS OF THESE
I bought a load of MDF from b&q

those were the planks i got
(BEJINGAS fuck, my cock is too big for these jeans, Wed 30 May 2007, 15:47, Reply)

NING
I watched a good film with tom hanks and that big bugger


that was the shawshanks i got
(BEJINGAS fuck, my cock is too big for these jeans, Wed 30 May 2007, 15:46, Reply)

ahahaha
I lived in a houseshare with several americans

those were the yanks i got
(BEJINGAS fuck, my cock is too big for these jeans, Wed 30 May 2007, 15:45, Reply)

rofl
I fought in the war, in chieftains

those were the tanks i got
(BEJINGAS fuck, my cock is too big for these jeans, Wed 30 May 2007, 15:45, Reply)

Cat
Hi, my name's Hermione - I've a nice pet.

It's the Crookshanks, I've got.

I'm so very, very sorry

I will, however, observe that all these have already been done (a load by me...) and the mods too 'em all down with a stern word...
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 30 May 2007, 15:40, Reply)

Gah
I have (allegedly) some stories about a previous employer, but I can't post them here as I might end up back there.

And it's KILLING me.....

Make this QOTW end!
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 30 May 2007, 15:39, Reply)

Mad
(Posting this purely for the reaction and to provoke some lively debate).

I dont get much thanks from it anymore. Now its just "wah wah wah, I'm cold" or "boo hoo I'm wet again I'm sorry" and "I'm hungry" and "you've hurt me down there in my pee pee" and crap like that. Sometimes its quiet. Sometimes its all "where's my mummy" and "Portugal this" and "Portugal that" and "can you turn the light back on". This is the thanks I get for cleaning it and feeding it and letting it have water every fucking week. Jesus Christ. I can only get there at weekends, what does it expect. It ain't fucking Disneyland. Although, sometimes I tell it that it kind of is.

yeah yeah.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 30 May 2007, 15:32, Reply)

Hmm
My 2 year old is a good little boy (sometimes) - I've even got him trained well.

If I give him something when he asks, he replies "choo" which is his way of saying "thank you" - or he gives me a kiss or cuddle.

And that's the thanks I got.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 30 May 2007, 15:22, Reply)

thatblokeoverthere
"It was that day I decided that no charity or quarter would be given to another one of these callous, graceless, witless, pointless wastes of flesh ever again. Fuck 'em all"

Because he didn't say 'please' or 'thank you'? Holy shit, you're strict on your etiquette! Imagine if he'd used the wrong fork!

[On topic - someone didn't say 'thank-you' to me once etc etc]
(frankspencer, Wed 30 May 2007, 15:01, Reply)

You Really Got Me
I was once in a tribute band, in Germany, for a certain 1960's group. (Hint in title)

Our rhythm guitarist could barely play guitar - he auditioned as a singer and proved to be deaf in one ear and sang with a lisp. Singing songs about sunsets over London stations in a voice like Marlene Dietrich just doesn't work.

I helped the rhythm guitarist learn to play a bit better, and helped him buy a decent guitar, but to be frank we might as well not have had him there, for all the use he was. It turned out he was using every chance available to try and stab me in the back and get the vocalist job.

I won't mention the long litany of snide remarks and deliberate sabotage, but finally he got chucked out by the others when gave them the ultimatum that he should sing or he'd leave. They tried him on two numbers, and he was crap, so he was out. Then the drummer was diagnosed with cancer, so the band temporarily folded, until he was diagnosed cancer-free. I then helped him start to get the band back on it's feet, paid a share of the rehearsal room etc. and he brought in two mates to play in the band.

Next thing I know the drummer says he wants to play blues, and kicks me out, after all the help I'd given him..

Occasionally one or the other of this pair of total and utter bastards phones me up and asks if I would like to play in a band with them again, as though nothing happened.

And they wonder why I don't want to play in a band ever again.

Length? Two Fucking Years that I'll never get back, you pair of wasters.
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Wed 30 May 2007, 14:13, Reply)

to find something to do this afternoon
i think i may ask my friends to do favours for me as i in turn bone their mrs.

It seems to be a line that works, and apart from the Karma generated seems to work out best in the end.

Not sure what to ask for though - if its not useful to me then theres no point doing their mrs. Well, maybe........
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Wed 30 May 2007, 14:00, Reply)

I reduced prostitution levels in West Yorkshire by nearly 40%
And they put me in fucking Broadmoor.

Cunts.
(Peter_Sutcliffe, Wed 30 May 2007, 13:04, Reply)

My mate owes me £90.
I need some cash urgently to top up my mobile and text someone, and have left my wallet at home.

He has £20 in his pocket.

He won't lend me even a fiver, as he wants to buy some weed.

And that's the thanks I get.

(yawns, stretches)
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 30 May 2007, 12:34, Reply)

QOTW
I've been reading this QOTW to give me a laugh - it's failing.

And that's the thanks I've got

Um, I had a point, but it's tenuous at best.....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 30 May 2007, 12:29, Reply)

Tight fisted gits
I was asked to supply and operate PA for a small gig recently. So I turned up, humped all the gear in myself, set it up and sat working the desk all night, listening to fairly amateurish singers.

At the end of the night, as I was derigging, the organiser came up to me and said, "Well thanks very much for doing that. You'll not be needing expenses - you're only just up the road", and buggered off along with everyone else, leaving me to pack all my gear away and drive home (which was admittedly just up the road, but that's not the point).

My gast was somewhat flabbered.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 30 May 2007, 11:17, Reply)

You want thanks....
Well thanks very much for the crappest QOTW ever.

Jesus Christ!

I just got back from some hard core exams and now have to endure my mind-numbing job with a QOTW that makes me feel like slamming an electrode under my toe nails just to make these answers more interesting.
(Jugular, Wed 30 May 2007, 10:15, Reply)

To the Pikey In Dadyal's on the Cally Road last night...
When I gave you my last bit of change so that you had enough to buy your can of Special Brew and 10 Rothmans, I didn't expect you to go down on me in gratitude, but a "thank you" would have been nice.

Twat.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Wed 30 May 2007, 9:07, Reply)

Only family
My eldest bruv said he'd buy my wet suit off me when I was broke and just before I moved to start work in London. I was in need of coin. Anyways, I get a lift off me other bruv to go 30 miles there. The fucker tries it on, says it fits a treat and 'll take it. But he hasn't got the money, he'll send it to me by cheque. I say fine.
A couple of weeks later I find out via my bruv, who gave me a lift, that he'd tried one on in a shop and bought that instead. I had to get the bus over to pick up my wetsuit. He's not exactly short of a bob or two either the fuckin' cunt. Blood thicker than water; like fuck it is. That was in '91 and I haven't spoken to the cunt since. Amazingly enough nobody's fucked me over quite like that before or since as it would be my right to smack the fuckers. Ya can't really do that with family, although I did floor my mum once but that's another story (not proud- just happened).

Family fun and harmony is what makes Christmas so special.
(Dellamorte Dellamore Fuck it all, fuck it up, fuck it., Wed 30 May 2007, 8:51, Reply)

Grrr
Boss came back into town for a few days this week. Scheduled meetings with all the teachers and managers, apart from me.

Just as I was getting ready for class last night, he asks if I have 5 minutes for a "chat".
Turns out he's been listening to the paranoid whingings of the Chinese headmaster, and wants to have one of the teachers take over part of my job.

WELL. After busting my arse to deal with all the crap I get handed here, working on my days off, turning in work that he has said is excellent, taking on more responsibility after he left, and dealing with the extremely annoying way that the Chinese managers deal with things (without being able to understand what they're talking about most of the time) THIS is how he treats me?

Told him that NO, I didn't like the idea, don't want my job description "altered to suit my strengths" or any crap. Then taught my class and went out to get shit-faced drunk. 'Coz, what else is there to do?

He and the Chinese headmaster had already made the decision, approached this other teacher (an alcoholic, pothead - yes, you can get it in China, former drug dealer and crack addict, who calls in sick after 3 day drinking binges and has no teaching experience or qualifications, which I do) to take over my duties, planned on telling the staff this weekend ... and THEN told me about it!

Managed to talk him down this morning, after waiting for more than 2 hours outside his office - he was going to piss off to the airport without discussing this further with me. My job stays the same now.

But, bloody hell, what a cunt.

My only consolations are that
1/. She will now be doing duties that are unrelated to me, and
2/. If she replaced me, half the teachers would quit, and the others would decline to sign another year's contract.

**Just got a call from that teacher's next door neighbour/unwilling confidant - turns out she'd approached the boss and threatened to quit if she wasn't given more responsibility. At least I know part of his motivation now!
(Celerydemon, Wed 30 May 2007, 8:07, Reply)

A new card
is available from wondermark.com and I thought it would fit the theme

Here it is
_{my friend, Dave, made it}
( intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Wed 30 May 2007, 4:53, Reply)

bloody kids
I went into an offy for some kids outside, got them 20 Marlborough and a bottle of Blue Nun.

What thanks did I get?

Their nursery assistant reporting me to the authorities! Pshaw...
(Andrelius67JHHVGC7 Han har stillet træskoene, Tue 29 May 2007, 22:55, Reply)

a + b = pie
I did some of my mate's A-level coursework once in exchange for some of his home-made pies. I guess to some people that doesn't seem much for practically gaining him a place at his chosen University but they were seriously tasty pies. And fucking huge bastards too. Full of meaty chunks of meat and veg and stuff.

Now he's at Uni his coursework's gotten a bit harder but damn me to hell do his pies get better and better!
(BeardyMat, Tue 29 May 2007, 22:39, Reply)

A bit off topic but not much.
Work for a company over 10 years, work hard to progress up the levels. Company buys a similar company and decides to bring parity between the two. Suddenly your reward is a pay freeze with no sign of a raise for 3 or 4 years whilst people two levels below you without your knowledge or experience are raised to your level without working for it.

We've slogged our guts our for that bunch of cunts and actually thought there was some appreciation of it. Nope, not a bit of it.

Bitter? You bet. Bitter? Can't afford it anymore.
(singingringingtree Living in the past., Tue 29 May 2007, 22:09, Reply)