Pensioner+ road=pain
A few years ago, when I was pretending to be a Christian to get in a god-botherer's pants, I offered to help an old lady across the road. She was waiting at the curb and looking very nervous, so I took her arm and led her across to the other side.

When I got there, a man approached me and said something like "Why you abuse my baba? You some pervert muthafucka?" It turned out that the gentleman in question was a senior member of the Albanian mafia and that touching his grandmother was the worst possible insult short of actually shitting in his hair.

In the following weeks, my dog was killed, my greenhouse was smashed, my car had its tyres slashed, my boss was sent (very good) photoshopped pictures of me engaging in coitus with a goat and my girlfriend met a man with a funny accent at a club. Turned out he was hung like a tyrannosaurus and she left me for him. But it got worse.

After a break-in, the police took my computer away and found 4000 pictures of naked children on it. I lost my job and was forced to become homeless. I became an alcoholic and took to heroin like a scouser to petty theft. My life had reached rock bottom.

Then, by chance, I saw a little old lady waiting to cross the road. I waited until a petrol tanker drove by and then pushed her under its wheels, watching them squash the old bitch as flat as a blue-rinse pizza. And, you know, I felt much better.
(frankspencer, Fri 25 May 2007, 17:07, Reply)