I received a phone call from some self-important prick
because some other self-important pricks had behaved all self-important.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 13:39, 5 replies)

The stoners in IT treated me like absolute dirt.
So I 'phoned the Chief Executive.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 13:38, Reply)

When I used to work at a different hospital there was a spinal surgeon who everyone knew was a bit stroppy...
He phoned the IT department once and asked to speak to Darren, the manager. My colleague Tim who'd answered the phone said "I'm ever so sorry Mr Hethel, Darren's in a meeting. Bear with me a moment and I'll try and interrupt him for you".

Mr Hethel's response to this? He hung up, and rang the Chief Executive to "complain about the way IT had treated him".
( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 13:04, 4 replies)

I just opened a tin of sweetcorn and The Doveston's poo was in it.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 12:29, 3 replies)

Traveling companion cock
I was travelling a few years back with a bloke who claimed to be my mate but was more of a loner, only truly close to one or two people. He always acted super serious and quite frankly pushed me around a bit. Depending on his mood the slightest thing could having picking fight or choking someone.

While we where on the road, we bumped into a bunch of fellow travellers and Cockhead took a real interest in the only girl in their group. After the usual blow up that always eventuated and we parted ways the girl came with us. She had no interest in my fucked witted companion and spurned every approach. It was obvious what he wanted, and that he would do just about anything to get it.

He finished up offering her massive drugs and when that didn't work he resorted to bribes and threats. Eventually it all went down in public with "Mr. I don't take no for answer drain face" threatening to harm her family and friends. She had told him where she lived before I think and you could tell she was scared. All things considered she was actually a pretty hard chick and had a body every teenage boy (and probably some chicks) wanted to get their hands on.

With what looked like no other choice she gave in.

Once he had what he wanted the cunt blew up her home planet, and I said "that escalated quickly" but, no one heard.

TL/DR: Read the fucken story
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 12:01, 8 replies)

there was sweetcorn in my poop but i haven't eaten any sweetcorn, how is that?

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 10:17, 10 replies)

Ed Balls

( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 10:06, Reply)

I had to get upstairs in a shopping centre, thankfully there were some rather speedy automatic stair things.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 9:48, 3 replies)

I heard of a messageboard where the Mods were so feeble that they started deleting harmless posts before the first page was even half full.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 8:37, 6 replies)

I administer an online forum
and you wouldn't believe the knee-jerk reactions you get. It might only be 1% of the UK population that are a Bit Strange, but that's a non-trivial number when you have a few thousand members. We had one guy going to the police and complaining of aggravated heart problems because he didn't like someone disagreeing (politely) with one of his posts.

We were also threatened with legal action because one member jokingly suggested that a recent terrorist event was probably caused by another member (despite it occurring on the other side of the country and the real culprit having already been caught red-handed at the scene).
(rogerzilla, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 6:44, 2 replies)

I once mocked someone's rather illiterate, not that interesting a story on QOTW and he tried to get me sacked.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 21:19, 3 replies)

Slightly bumping into another car a couple of years ago
My fault, no argument, but there was no damage to my car and a slight mark on the passenger door of the other car.

When I last checked the driver and passengers of the other car had been "injured" to the tune of £15k.

I live in Bradford...
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 19:22, 12 replies)

My desire to micturate escalated quickly.
Long story short, I pissed in Dr Shambolic's mouth.
(McChinaman banned, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 18:56, 2 replies)

A friend had a money argument in the kitchen with his girlfriend of the time (think if Michael Douglas had left his wife and shacked up with Glen Close) , which ended on his side by screwing up her fag packet (with 3 ciggies inside) . Next thing he knows she`s coming at him with a carving knife , he put his hands up and thought she`d pulled the lunge until he looked up and saw an inch of kitchen knife cheekily poking its head out of the back of his hand . Much apologies and tears , they take the knife out , wrap a tea towel around the stabbed paw and she drives him to hospital . He looks at the tea towel and thinks the bleeding had stopped until he lifted his hand off his lap and it looked like he had pissed himself with blood .

You can imagine the shenanigans when he had an affair with a friend of my wifes .
(Helikaon, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 18:43, 1 reply)

The story below reminds me of....
...The time I was taken through the disciplinary process at an employer.
Backstory. My manager was an unremitting twunt. He had no social life and threw his entire being into his work, he would call at all hours, expect answers to voicemail messages and emails within minutes day, night, weekend didn't matter to him - HE had fuck-all else in his life and didn't understand if YOU did, if you didn't answer he'd get apoplectic with rage.
I went on holiday. I didn't take my works 'phone or laptop with me. The day I landed back was a Saturday and I'd booked to be in the head office on Monday, so I didn't check my messages. On arrival at head office I was greeted by my manager, who clearly had been vein-poppingly angry for the entire five days I'd been away, the managing director of the company and the international HR director.
I was almost frogmarched into the conference room whereupon my manager started ranting, getting more and more worked up until he had tears in his eyes, banging the table and screaming at me (from about 6 inches away) about my 'Lack of professionalism*, lack of team spirit**, laziness***, lackadaisical attitude****' etc etc.
Once the MD and HR Director had intervened and ushered him out of the room to calm down, they turned to me.
"Now then CP, what have you got to say for yourself, these are serious carreer threatening accusations! C'mon, out with it" He said.
"I was on holiday, in fact, I was on a holiday that YOU PAID FOR due to my performance, that YOU ANNOUNCED AT THE SALES MEETING and YOU AND (my manager) DROVE ME TO THE FUCKING AIRPORT" I opined, somewhat forcefully.
"Oh".
My manager was escorted from the building 20 minutes later.

*Guilty
**Yep
***Can't deny it
**** Pretty much
Still out-performed all of the drones though.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 18:14, 9 replies)

Not being online 24/7
A few years back, I had no smartphone so a trip out for the day meant a whole day with no internet. I could just about handle this if I was doing something sufficiently interesting, which this day in question was.

During this several-hour period offline, someone I had put on moderation for being a complete twat decided to post to a Yahoo group which got about 5 posts a year at the time. It now gets one, the automated birthday reminder. At the time she had acknowledged it was best to put her on moderation as she said things she sometimes regretted later. However, when posted to the group while I was out for a few hours, not being approved within minutes was not good enough.

At first it was a few angry emails and calls, not generally acceptable behaviour from anyone but this woman had previously shown to obviously have severe mental health problems, despite regular assertions from her that she didn't. When I still didn't approve her message, on the grounds of being many miles from my computer and having better things to do than search Bristol for an internet cafe for her benefit, the calls got more regular and more venomous. At peak they were every couple of minutes, maybe even several a minute, despite having made it very clear I could not approve her message because I had no internet access, I did not want to speak to her, and if she kept this up I would contact the police. She even phoned my parents a few times to complain about my unacceptable behaviour.

In the end I did call the police, even after I had called them and made it clear the only thing she could do now was not make the situation worse, it carried on. They got in touch with her but weren't an awful lot of help because she'd sent me some angry messages telling me to stop harassing her, which unfortunately they took as having some smidgen of face value that she wanted to cut off contact with me rather than being the work of someone with some serious delusions. It helped a bit for a few weeks, then got bad again, and eventually a second police intervention made her fuck off for good. It's a pity that me not being a relative meant there was nothing I could do to make sure she got the help and close supervision she needed.

After she left me alone she did the same thing to several other women (gender-ambiguous username but female). I have no idea where she is now. I really hope at some point she got banned from phone and internet use without supervision from a carer or social worker, for months after this I dreaded the phone ringing because it would probably be more abuse from her.

I can't remember if her message was worth approving. And Yahoo Mail doesn't work on the phone I have now anyway.
(GothicTechie, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 17:49, 4 replies)

haha yeah, Anchorman quotes hahahahahahahaha
yeah
(Sebastian Dried-on excreta bull goose loony, silverback shitposting alpha, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 17:42, Reply)

( Zuowan, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 16:53, 4 replies)

You're just not putting the effort into your lies these days.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 16:30, 6 replies)

A work colleague and I were supposed to bring together a quantity of data into a report to be presented to the boss.
After a few days of procrastination and putting it off, the deadline fast approached and before we knew it, the presentation was in 15 minutes! Total panic ensued.

"What shall we do Timothy? What shall we DO?!" I said, shaking Timothy by the arm.

"We haven't brought together any of this data in any meaningful way for the presentation that is in 15 minutes because we have been procrastinating and putting it off! What fools we have been!" My heart was pumping at the thought of being fired there, on the spot.

"Don't worry", said Timothy, reassuringly.

"Let's collate it quickly".
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 16:10, Reply)

The lifts in the Natwest tower were pretty fast.
They use to escalate pretty quickly.

When I was working as a despatch rider we used to like a job to the Nat West Tower. If you timed it right going down, you could jump in the air and sort of float back to the floor. Sort of.

One of the guys I worked with did it three times on the way down, and then puked in front of the other horrified occupants of the lift.
(username failed moderation, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 15:53, 16 replies)

Just about anything that happens in my house
the week before 'that time of the month'

"Do you know where I left my phone?"

"I WILL STAB YOU!"
(username failed moderation, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 15:50, 1 reply)

First
Mods:please delete the seven (EDIT) six (EDIT) five entries below
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 15:28, 2 replies)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPKdWsggwVg
( Muns, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 15:14, Reply)

Was in the taxi rushing to pick up some last-minute Christmas shopping.
I thought a toy gun would be a great present for a young nephew of mine.

Boy, was that ever a bad idea!
( Mr. Tea dole-nonce-amuser extraordinaire, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 15:12, 3 replies)

Fourth
Edit: I can't believe there's been deletion already. This must be a world record for Upset On The Internet
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 15:12, 2 replies)

Something about Sob Carehome's online breakdown.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 15:11, 2 replies)

Second
Well, that did escalate quickly!
( Muns, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 15:02, 1 reply)