True
"You and your bloody sausages! One of these days you'll turn into one!" howled Mother. "Nonsense!" spat Dad his mouth full of Lincolnshire’s best "I'm saving up for a pig!" chuckled Dad spitting sausage fat everywhere.
"Daaaad!" we piped up, but it was no good.
Dad was tucking into his daily breakfast of 12 sausages, 8 rashers of bacon, 3 fried eggs, black pudding, beans, hash browns, tomato and 2 rounds of toast.
"My favorite" he munched. We'd warned him before that it wasn't good for him "nonsense!" he mocked, wiping his brow with a fried egg.
I sat and watched as dad shoveled mouthful after mouthful into his maw, spilling egg down his beard, sending mum crashing around with a wet dishcloth.
"I'm as fit as a fid-" he didn't finish the sentence...

Just stood up and went for a bob.
When he returned there were still lashings of hot breakfast left, mum had topped his plate up with various odds and ends that we'd all left. A rasher of bacon here, sausage or two there...

"It all adds up!" bellowed dad with an enormous belly laugh.
Suddenly Dad stood up again, he clutched his left arm!
"my.. my .. my .. watch.." he gasped, "where is it?".
Just then he saw his timepiece over on the television and strode over to inspect it. "hmmm, yes a quarter to nine" he burped in a high pitched funny voice.
He whooshed past me and back toward his chair, then he suddenly stoped, he'd noticed something, something had caught his eye. He ran over to the dog and lifted up its tail.
"WHOTHEFUCKSBEENTOUCHINGTHEDOGSBUM!" he yelled, each word blending into the last.
"WHOTHEFUCKSBEENTOUCHINGTHEDOGSBUM!" he shouted again.
"Geoff! sit down" mum barked and dad slinked over to his chair.
He knew when to push mum and when not.
He sat in silence for the remainder of the meal, quietly shoving mounds of food in, quietly thinking to himself.

Later that morning Dad gave me my usual lift to school, "see you later dad!" I shouted, he smiled and waved.
As I got towards the school he called me back. "Carly!" he shouted, I gave my books to Jenny and jogged back to the car, "what's up now dad? Dad?" I looked in the front of the car but it was empty. Where on earth was he? was he playing games?
Suddenly the side door of the SUV swung open, revealing dad on one knee, pointing with one hand and holding the dogs tail in the other.
"WHOTHEFUCKSBEENTOUCHINGTHEDOGSBUM!" he screamed, "WHOTHEFUCKSBEENTOUCHINGTHEDOGSBUM!!".
I didn't answer, just pulled the door shut and ran back to Jenny. "what did your dad want?" she asked. "Oh" I replied, "not much".

Back at home later dad seemed fine again. We all sat around the table patiently waiting for him to finish our supper.
"sausages!" I moaned, "not again!"

"they're my favorite" chuckled dad, stuffing his thumb into the mash and producing a hefty mound of it to munch on.

"...and beside's..." he continued "it's your mum's night painting tonight so she'll not be back till past ten".
I knew for a fact that mum wasn't painting, she was having another of her ruddy affairs, the only reason I knew was: one: because I knew her too well and two: becuase I’d seen her with Michael, the blind estate agent from down the road, kissing at the back of the Odeon.
Still, Dad was none the wiser and it was good to see him laughing and joking in the kitchen.
We had one of those houses with a serving hatch between the dining room and the kitchen, open, but for a pair of small saloon doors. Quite a dated fashion these days, but still quite functional.
Suddenly they swung open. there was dad, he'd somehow managed to get the dog onto the worktop and was holding its tail up and pointing at its anus through the gap.
"WHOTHEFUCKSBEENTOUCHINGTHEDOGSBUM!" he wailed pointing,
"WHOTHEFUCKSBEENTOUCHINGTHEDOGSBUM!" he repeated.

Not long after this dad did the bad thing and mum didn't wake up.
Now I just sit and rock, stuffing in the porridge every other day so I don't die.
My name is Lewis Capes.
(jindodsdadsdogsdead I am not stusut79, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 16:02, 10 replies)

em
whothefuckwastouchingthedogsbum then?
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 16:11, closed)

I
WANT THE TRUTH
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 16:11, closed)

You
can't handle the truth!
(planetmatt, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 16:46, closed)

Fantastic read,
But what the fuck?
(TheColonel, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 16:59, closed)

agree
im laughing here and saying exactly that

what the fuck?
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 17:07, closed)

Likewise
Have clicked this for its sheer peculiarity, but would like to know what the fuck.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 17:34, closed)

erm....
.....maybe i'm having one of my dim days, but I don't get this.
(nonstopdancer, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 17:03, closed)

Spike Milligans lovechild is alive and well.

( FeralCatMan Unusual disease collector., Wed 24 Jun 2009, 17:44, closed)

you need help
or i need a translation. either way, what the fuck?
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 18:41, closed)

RIS?

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 24 Jun 2009, 21:53, closed)