So now it's wrong to beat children?
I just can't keep up, and the policemen seem to be getting younger all the time.







I'm 83 you know.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 8 Feb 2013, 1:23, 1 reply)

David retreated,
skittering hastily away. Mrs Brain, oddly lucid in crisis, identified someone's arse wobbling in the lower estuaries, South Shields. Crimped undulating nutty turds.
(markreynolds95, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 22:59, 8 replies)

Got a bollocking a few years back from management
as I'd managed to obtain a jpeg photo of one of the guys from our team and using the skills of MS Paint stuck his head on a pic of Mr Chips from Catchphrase being fucked up the ass. Then I emailed it to the team in the guise of a training document. This wasn't the first time (see fig 1a) so a meeting was called for with my immediate manager.

As I was getting the talk-down the boss would occasionally glance back at the email with the pic on it and piss herself laughing, while I sat there quietly not helping by saying stuff like "This bollocking's not going too well, focus on me here not the evidence, there's a victim involved."

In the end, rather than me getting a disciplinary it was decided I could carry on, as long as I did the rest of the team too to keep it fair. She was a good boss :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 22:00, Reply)

I got into trouble for brining a gun into school to return it to the friend I'd borrowed it off.
Although to be fair it was only an air pistol and I hadn't intended for one of my dickish classmates to grab it out of my bag and start waving it at the caretaker who promptly dived for cover behind the bins.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 21:10, 1 reply)

I never hit my kids coz I'm not a fucking moron who can't control a toddler without resorting to shock and pain.
I used my DIY skills and created a cot with a lid instead.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 7 Feb 2013, 20:33, 3 replies)

Bit of an odd couple
It was on a school trip to the Tower of London in about 1985. It was drawing towards the end of the day, and a few of us were heading back to the bus. As time was getting on we hurried ourselves along to the point of running. All of a sudden, there was an almighty shout of

"DON'T RUN!"

It came from a figure in red we'd just sprinted past. Yes, we got a bollocking from a Beefeater. Whenever I see one of them now on the telly, that's all I can think about, along with that sick feeling in my stomach and the hot face I had from the telling off.

It's odd though, the tellings off you get as a kid can really affect you. A rather stern assistant in Texas Homecare told a three year old me off for pointing at the paint tins with a rather fierce "Don't Touch". Weirdly, for a number of years, I was a bit scared of shop assistants, which was probably quite useful for my folks ("Don't touch that or the man will tell you off.")
( milkybarnick is calming down Boris on, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 20:26, Reply)

Paid to educate but got fucked up last night and really can't be arsed?
Drag yourself in a few minutes early and write "Dr. Shambolic is a cunt" on the chalk board. Roll it around to the back. When the bright young things have assembled eager and attentive, scrawl a few notes and then roll the board around to reveal the message. Blow a fuse. Insist that nobody leaves or does anything until somebody owns up to it. Have an hours kip while they sit and mumble amongst themselves.

n.b. only works if you live in the 1990s or some typhoid-ridden shithole where the poor fucks still use chalk
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 20:26, 18 replies)

I got a detention for sharpening pencils over some kid's head.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 20:19, 6 replies)

The awkward silence trick
You know when you were a student, and no-one had done the work, so you'd sit in class, and wait for someone to speak, and the silence would drag oooon and ooooon and it would get so tense that you would say anything at all just to break it?

Yeah, your teachers are doing it on purpose.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 19:09, 6 replies)

I very seldom meted out corporal punishment to my kids.
At least not past the age of three or so- when they're having a complete meltdown, a swat across the arse with an open hand snaps them out of it.

When my son was in his early teens he had his first cell phone. One day when he was being particularly obnoxious I took it away and locked it up, resulting in a tantrum which then got him grounded besides.

I then secretly began sending SMS messages to it and calling it. He heard it and got almost hysterical at the thought of all the messages he was missing. I was firm, though, and didn't give it back until the following day.

His rage at discovering who was calling him made it even better.
( Wanderer, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 18:21, 6 replies)

So this is going to be a week of old folk going 'My parents/teachers used to beat me.'
Lovely stuff.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 16:48, 14 replies)

My mother grew tired of telling me
to get my lazy arse out of bed. After the 3rd time I'd said I'd be up in 2 minutes she strolled into my bedroom and emptied a bucket of cold water on me.

I always got up first time after that.
( Slippery Jim Seeking a psychotic lady for fun & sex & crime., Thu 7 Feb 2013, 16:37, 1 reply)

The Nearly Step
Aged 6 or 7, I lived in a cottage about a mile outside the village where I went to a tiny little village infants & juniors school (about 50 kids in total).

The road was, at the time, the main A road between South Wales and the Midlands (i.e. before they'd opened the A449 between Newport & Raglan), so it was too dangerous for me to walk on my own. My mum didn't have a car, and was a 'housewife' so she would walk me to school herself.

One day, the headmaster, a Mr Cecil Berrington, drove past in his shiny 1970s red Vauxhall Viva, and pulled in to give us a lift. As we got in, I saw one of these:

in the passenger footwell. Once we got to school, wide-eyed with terror, I told all my mates "Don't mess with Mr Berrington - he's got a cane in his car and it's made of METAL!!!!"

It was only later I found out that it was a Krooklok to stop people nicking his valuable and beloved motor.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 16:31, 3 replies)

NO, DADDY! NO!

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 16:06, 3 replies)

My mother was always quite creative with her punishments...
Because I skid-marked my pants she made me wear my sister's knickers for the day.

After wrecking my school shorts one too many times (sliding on the grass) she bought the worst looking shorts from a charity shop and made me wear them to school. Old man shorts that were almost as big as me.

When I refused to have a shower she stripped me naked and locked me out of the house in the middle of the day.

I was always warned what the repercussions of my actions would be. My response? "Yeah yeah, you wouldn't dare". She did dare, every time.

When I become a parent I am going to have so much fun creating all kinds of weird and whacky punishments when my kids misbehave.
(Mud the Far Car can and will, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 16:05, 10 replies)

A great philosopher once wrote: naughty, naughty, very naughty
(bonus points for identifying the actor and movie the sample was taken from)
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 15:48, 9 replies)

My mate's Mum had a cane
it was kept behind their sofa.

He knew he was in for it one day while she was still at work so he broke it into pieces before she got home.

Feeling quite pleased with himself for thwarting the inevitable beating he continued about his business.

His Mum got home ready to dish out some corporal punishment and saw what he had done.

She took him outside to a nearby tree, pointed out the branch that looked best for the job and sent him up there to get it. He then had to hand it over to her so that she could hit him with it.

Apparently she never used to swing the cane hard enough to hurt him, it had a nasty sting to it that day tho.
(Mud the Far Car can and will, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 15:25, 1 reply)

My dad was a teacher
and was, back when it was legal, responsible for caning kids in his year.

His theory about punishment was that it was all about anticipation. The tough lads who got sent in weren't going to be scared of a little slap on the hand, so you had to use a bit of amateur dramatics to make it a more effective experience.

When someone got sent to his office by one of the other teachers for punching someone, or the like, he'd have one of the secretaries tell them to wait a minute as he'd gone to see Mr Burns at the other side of school to fetch the special cane. Knowing, now, that they were going to be caned, he'd let them stew for a bit while he had a cup of tea in the staffroom. Then, heading back to the room carrying an ominously large and knobbly looking cane, he'd say something like 'Ah, Kevin, you're here. Wait a few more minutes boy.'.

This brings us to stage two. He'd go into the office, and give the filing cabinet a good few 'practice whacks'. It made a hell of a clang, ensuring the kid outside was by now having visions of the caning being he sort of thing that happened to drunken sailors in Nelson's navy. He'd use this as the moment to shout 'Mrs. Griffiths - can you please make sure you've got some bandages in your desk just in case.'

Then, eventually, he'd invite the kid in. He'd sit on the edge of the desk with the cane in hand, and make them hold their hand out. Stage 3 was the worst. Rather than get it over with he'd lecture them for a good few minutes on their digressions, and emphasise how he hoped they'd understand that a serious offence warranted a serious punishment and it was for their own good. Quite often they'd be quaking by this point.

Finally, with a flourish, he would abruptly raise the cane, bellow, and bring it down on their palm with about as much force as someone half-heartedly swatting a fly. Then he told them to piss off and not do it again.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 13:53, 27 replies)

I didn't stay about from this guy's bins and he went APESHIT.
He certainly told *me* what to do.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 13:50, 1 reply)

Had to pay €4.80 to drive down a stretch of motorway between Marbella and Malaga recently
that's the last time I was tolled *doffs hat*
( broadsword w⚓, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 13:44, 1 reply)

Battered suggested this question.
It's only fair to acknowledge that at the top there.

I think Scaryduck should step himself for being so rude to Battered.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 12:39, Reply)

New Year's Eve, 1999: I was playing about with the settings on my Casio watch and accidentally messed up the time and date.
I only stepped it on by one minute :(
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 12:37, Reply)

The Plastic Thing
My parents had a reasonably old-fashioned approach to punishments. If we were naughty, we'd be told off or sent to our rooms. But if we were REALLY naughty, it would be The Plastic Thing.

The Plastic Thing was the detachable handle from a Tupperware cake box. It was about 30 inches in length, made a satisfying (for those of us not experiencing its wrath) swoosh as it was swung through the air at a repentant child, and it hurt like hell. I soon learned not to be an evil bastard, essentially because I didn't like The Plastic Thing above half. Take my word for it – people say that corporal punishment doesn't work, but that's because their parents didn't have Tupperware parties.

Here, thanks to those crafty types at Etsy is a Plastic Thing almost (but not quite) like my arch nemesis.



It also left its mark. For hours after, the culprit would walk around with the word "OOOO ЗЯAWЯЗqqUT" on their leg.

The Plastic Thing mysteriously disappeared one day. I cannot – and will not – say what happened to it.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 12:30, 7 replies)

I think it was in a conflab I was reading on B3ta that I first encountered the phrase
"I think someone needs a wank and a nap."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 12:29, 2 replies)

Not me but...
Probably the time an office colleague made everyone's life hellish when he refused to scale back on an ocean of turbot-charged fish puns.
(piston_broke Actually thinks Supermatt is a decent bloke., Thu 7 Feb 2013, 12:19, 6 replies)

Once I entered a competition from the back of a stock cube packet
I won but the first prize was some shitty crockery.

That was my Knorr Tea Set.
( Lord Keeps meaning to procrastinate., Thu 7 Feb 2013, 12:17, Reply)

For being second
I was on the naughty step :-(
(Bappage, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 12:17, 1 reply)