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This is a question Conspiracy theory nutters

I keep getting collared by a bloke who says that the war in Afghanistan is a cover for our Illuminati Freemason Shapeshifting Lizard masters to corner the market in mind-bending drugs. "It's true," he says, "I heard it on TalkSport". Tell us your stories of encounters with tinfoil hatters.

Thanks to Davros' Granddad

(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 13:52)
Pages: Popular, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

Ok, using this as a chance to clear a few things up:
1.) To those who ask, Yes, I am a Freemason.
2.) However, no, I am not part of any 'shadowy elite'.
3.) Evil Satan Worshippers? No, not us. We don't sacrifice Goats. The only reason creatures like Goats got brought into the whole 'evils of masonry' thing pursued by the anti-masonry brigade was because the acronym G.O.A.T. is often used in older texts to describe the 'God Of All Things'. The link to Goats is probably where all the 'satanic worhsip' guff started as well. (Look up 'Taxil Hoax' for further info. on that)
4.) And neither do we have anything to do with defiling naked virgins either, though not for want of trying on a Saturday night.
5.) Large amounts of the arguments against freemasonry are usually presented with 'proof' from older texts such as that of Albert Pike in his book 'Morals and Dogma of the Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite of Freemasonry'. This book was published in 1871, yup 138 years ago. I can assure you that modern Freemasonry bears little resemblance to some of the 'assumed' points being made in that text. As with all things, it evolves with time to suit the time.
6.) Likewise, although we do have the handshakes and rolled up trouserlegs, we do not have any obligation to financially benefit other masons as a preference to others.
7.) Such is the modern nature of the organisation, it is made up of many individuals, from every part of the social, financial and political spectrum. When you meet up once a month, we're all on the same level, and it's a nice place to get to know different people well, pretty much in the same way as a Golf Club, a Women's Insitute meeting or similar.
8.) Each of us are prohibited from discussing Politics and Religion during a meeting evening, which would make it extrememly difficult for us to make plans to control the rest of the world's population since these two topics are probably the two most important in establishing any form of control over a population.
9.) Estimating, the average age of the British freemason is seriously pushing 60+. It's very difficult to entertain the notion that some of these people who are also part of the 'higher' degrees could seriously be part of a group in a position to manage and control the world when they can't even manage a bowl of tomato soup at the after meeting meal without spilling two thirds of it down their white shirts.
10.) It's surprisingly open these days, and certainly a world away from the writings of Pike (mentioned above) and the old attitudes that it was a preserve of the rich only. It really isn't. Many lodges often put on an 'open evening' when members of the public can walk in and have a look at a ceremony being performed, many times in full, and get a full Q & A session afterwards.
11.) Now the 'secrets' - Yes, as an organisation there are a few words etc which we don't reveal until someone comes in, but these are very few, and only applicable to the key parts of each ceremony. It really is no biggy. Anyone can become a mason, and as I've said before it's far more difficult to get into a Golf Club than it is to get into Masonry. Golf Clubs often resound with the clattering of many local high flying businessmen making deals, networking on the green, and the chink of money at the 19th hole. Nobody really knows what goes on in the selection process for new members of some of the more 'elite clubs' either, who knows what deals are being made in the safety and privacy of the clubhouse. See, when a spin is put on something like a golf club, they can sound sinister, which is exactly what happened with Freemasonry.
12.) Guided by the Devil? Am I a 'sheeple' Mason, only going along with it as a loyal follower of the higher up satan worshippers as I've been sucked in? No, I'm not ta, but thanks for the suggestion. I am a normal chap, with my own opinions, and have the benefit of making my own mind up on the organisation by getting the informaiton on the inside, and doing research into it, and discussing it in great (and accurate) depth. If I didn't like it, I wouldn't do it. I prefer this method of reasoning than relying on 140 year old writings of an organisation which bears no relation to the evolved organisation it is now, and also the endless half arsed and minimally researched ramblings on the internet when any 'opinion' can be stated as fact without full research or citation being given by the armchair avengers.
13.) Essentially, it is not a religion, nor any such part of one. It has never been promoted as one, and never will due to it's inherent belief that each member is entitled to an individual belief in their own god/spiritual progression as they see fit. The word allegory is often used in ceremonies to demonstrate this.
14.) You might remember The Goat. Now, as a few people may know, the Goat and I had a few run ins before he left, but despite our 'conversations' and rather heated differences of opinion on /links at times, he was a great chap for sticking to his guns, and /links was an interesting place for it, if not always the friendliest place because of the long threads. We both acknowledged that we can 'agree to disagree' and a mutual respect was good, and I really do hope he's doing well wherever he now is. Thought it may be nice to see a kind word for him this week, as he may get brought up a fair bit here.
15.) Errr, now, about those naked virgins...

Most of the points above are areas I usually have to cover in pub conversations at the end of a long evening when someone has had a bit too much and questions me on it. Although not necessarily 'nutter's in the strictest sense, it's odd that 'most' people will always start off with the viewpoint that freemasons are inherently bad people when starting a conversation/argument about them, without actually knowing anything.

Still, that's enough rambling. I have trouser legs to iron and a new verse of the Stonecutters song to write.
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:42, 77 replies)
Tramp Genius
Oxford, a hot summer's Day in 2002

I'm sitting on a wall having a can of coke, when a scruffy little Irish chappie comes and sits next to me.

He was obviously down and out and living on the streets, so I was a bit weary when he engaged me in conversation.

'Hullo there - are ye a student?'
'Yes, I am'
'Ah, right. Lucky lad - it's a very good university, so it is'
'I was student meself, y'know?'
'Aye - University of London and then Cambridge.'
'Oh yeah - was doing my doctorate and everything, but they got rid of me, the bastards.'
'Why's that?'
'Well... I solved physics, and y'know, well...they didn't like that one bit.'
'You SOLVED physics?'
'Yes. But they got rid of me. Think about it: If someone solves the whole bloody thing - there's no jobs for all the scientists any more, are there?'
'Suppose not.'
'Aye, well... I've come here to try and find a physics student so I can get my ideas to the Faculty. Maybe if there's someone more trustworthy here, I can get it all published.'
'You're not a physics student, I suppose?'
'Afraid not.'
'Ah, never mind.... have you got 1 for the bus?'

And, reader, I gave him a pound, because either he was a very good beggar, a nutcase, or a physics genius driven out of the academic establishment by a cabal of self-interested scientists worried they could be out of a job.
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:40, 6 replies)
The tobacco companies are behind the smoking ban
It has been suggested that the nazi fascist jolly sensible smoking ban was a collaboration between the government and the tobacco companies. It works like this:

You go outside for a smoke. You feel like a bit of a sad loser puffing away in the pouring rain while your mate is left by him/herself to look after your table. So you take a few quick drags and leave at least a third of your fag unsmoked. Result, you want another one more quickly than you usually would, and go outside again and do the same thing. End result: you smoke more cigarettes than you did before the ban, the tobacco companies get more money, and the government gets more tax.

I know for sure that the person who suggested this is a nutter. It was me.
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:35, 6 replies)
They're watching you.
Your NHS number is really a way for the government to keep track of your health.
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:34, 3 replies)
Tinfoil Hatters, you say...?
In the course of my duties I encountered a middle aged lady who was in the process of getting Sectioned.

She explained that "half my brain has been melted by the microwaves. But its ok because I found a way to fight back."

This ingenious method? We entered her house and discovered the ENTIRE inside surface area was coated in tinfoil. Thats the floors, walls. windows, looked like a preschoolers Apollo 11 school project (could have slotted this tale in last week, really).

No natural light made it past the foil covered windows, so light bulbs were burning in every room. To say it was hot inside is an understatement. We felt like sausages under a students grill.

But to top it all off we found her "proudest invention": quite literally, a tinfoil hat. I kid you not - this lady had fashioned something that resembled a Biggles flying helmet out of tinfoil. If only I'd been able to take a picture.

Needless to say, last I heard she was still under Section and will probably remain so for a considerable distance into the future...
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:29, 1 reply)
Dave's WHAT?!
Only a small conspiracy, but whilst working as a roadie, one of the resident sound techs told me (with very saddened eyes) that Dave, of Chas n Dave fame, was dead.

Managed to hear this at no less than 4 more gigs that I worked on.

Later heard that it may (or may not) have been a rumour started by the mighty Bill Bailey.

I don't know what to believe any more!
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:27, Reply)
I was immortalised in a picture by famous political art genius* David Dees (a.k.a. Catnipppp)
after disagreeing with him on some of the finer points of his careful research into vaccines. I put a picture of myself wearing a tinfoil hat on /board to take the piss out of him, though, so fair do's.

I won't link to any of the debates we had on /board, if I actually started reading any of them again I think I'd lose the will to live.


(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:26, 5 replies)
i recently came across this gem. Wouldn't you know it: someone's trying to prosecute Barack Obama, David Nabarro (of the UN), Bill Gates, the Rothschilds, David Rockerfeller, Dubya, and many, many others, for introducing H1H1 as a means of committing genocide.

It's a big document - skip to pp 6 and 7 for the (loopy) charges. Also, do a search for the word "illuminati". You know you want to.

There's a lunatic interview about it here.

Meanwhile, the Indonesian health minister has gone on record to suggest that swine flu was man-made as a means to generate profits for pharmaceutical companies.
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:21, 1 reply)
The whole management conspiracy can be explained mathematically
Try this

Knowledge = Power

If we take the standard scientific formula


And if we also take the old maxim that


Then logically


Therefore the less you know the more you earn QED
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:18, 1 reply)
I don't believe in government conspiracy theories.
I don't believe that the government could be that inept at running the country yet manage to conceal huge, secret plots to manipulate the population.

Except for the "5 a day" campaign. They're definitely in cahoots with the greengrocers there.
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:12, 9 replies)
Katie Price's front,
is a front for?
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:10, 4 replies)
Well, there was this theory going about
That the QOTW suggestions page was just a space filler because the mods never actually looked at it and simply made up each week's question on a whim.

Boy, do I feel fucking stupid now...
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:09, 4 replies)
Poly = many
Ticks = blood sucking creatures

(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:08, 1 reply)
Apparently Jacko's still alive.
It was in today's Metro.

Edit, here's the video;
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:08, Reply)
I fear I may have become a little obsessional at times:


(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:08, Reply)
Conservative Piracy
It's a Cons-piracy!
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:07, Reply)
"Drink 8 glasses of water a day"
LIES! GOVERNMENT LIES! There's absolutely no need to drink 8 glasses of water a day. It's a pseudo-scientific 'fact' spread by Them so that the people of this country can't overthrow parliament because they are too busy peeing all the time. Don't do it sheeple! Put the glass down!

*adjusts tinfoil hat*
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:06, 11 replies)
the recession is the governments secret plan
A few months ago I was meeting new people as you do and one frightfully interesting* chap went to great lengths to explain to me why the recession was a deliberate action of the government.

I made the mistake of asking why the government would want a recession. Turn out it's so;
- They can buy up cheap land/properties to turn into secret military bunkers/research labs and build a network of high speed underground train tunnels to move key personnel around in secret.

- They can seize control of large banks and businesses to fund their future domination plans.

- They can curb immigration without having to make any public policy on the subject, apparantly this is very hard to do?

He refused to even accept the possibility that businesses were going under because a great many of us are lazy and slack off at work meaning the employers are paying lots of salary for not much work in return while the hard workers were going back to Poland, taking their earnings with them.

*terribly boring
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:04, Reply)
Proper nutter.

This chap I know used to have a great job with his lawyer wife in Hong Kong. They made a mint and retired a couple of years ago. Anyway, coz he had so much time on his hands he started pootling about in the internet and missed b3ta poor sod and ended up getting sucked into all those videos like Loose Change and What The Bleep Do We Know? and the like.

Anyway, two years later he believes that all conspiracies are linked, all wars are planned, that THEY are watching us through our tv's, that all disease is manmade and all that stuff. He has since spent all his money 1.5m+ and I mean ALL his money on a plot of land in Australia in the bush. He has sunk 5 ships containers into the desert full of longlife food, and has moved his wife a 3 young children out there. He was back a few weeks ago saying goodbye to his friends and family as he is sure of near total destruction of the Earth in December 21 2012.

Nice guy though...
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:04, 8 replies)
My Grandad
told me that hitler put an enigma machine decoder up his arse when he was a POW, and told him he could end the war simply by cutting himself open and removing it.

I'm not sure that camp was actually all that good for him in the end.
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:04, 1 reply)
You run this QOTW after The Goat has left?
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:03, 1 reply)
Front page
but I have no story...or do i?!
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:02, Reply)
easter islands take away
my friend is convinced that elvis, tupac and kurt cobain work in KFC on the easter islands,
new recruits to the KFC crew now include michael jackson.
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 14:00, 1 reply)
This woman won the Eurovision song contest years ago.

She's now a right wing mentalist politician type.

I was debating against her on the radio once and she claimed that the "pan European secluar conspiracy" were busy making the kind of Christmas cards she prefers slightly more expensive than the other types.
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 13:56, 1 reply)
I was awarded this by The Other Geoff Lebowski:

Does that count?
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 13:55, 9 replies)
I love listening to conspiracy theorists...
so this is going to be a great QOTW for me.. even if I have nothing to add, as fucking usual!
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 13:55, Reply)
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 13:54, Reply)
is a CIA front. FACT
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 13:53, 2 replies)
b3ta first post
I believe that getting first post in a new question of the week is something a mere mortal can never achieve and it's only ever done by those b3ta elite who change the question in the first place.

It's probably the same guy that goes round getting all the virgins first. Actually isn't that SpankyHanky?

Oh.... well that was lucky ;-)
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 13:53, 4 replies)

This question is now closed.

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