Viz editors

Stop ripping off our ideas.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:28, Reply)

Want to skip Jury Duty?
Under "Ethnic Origin" on the form sign it as "White, Natural Rulers of the Planet".
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:27, Reply)

Getting undressed with an eligible bachalorette?
Make sure you take your socks off before your trousers. Men look fucking stupid wearing just socks and boxers or worse yet just socks.
( Captain V, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:27, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

In the Winter...
... squirt a bit of WD40 into your car locks to stop them freezing up!
... wear a hat! You lose the majority of your body heat through your head!

Also: Put a dab of clear nail varnish on the buttons of a new shirt to fuse the threads together, then they'll never fall off! Might look a bit weird though.
( CaroWallis, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:27, Reply)

Want a seat on train to yourself with noone next to you?
Watch XXX rated porn on a laptop at full volume.
(lance_the_boil lanced the boil on, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:23, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

women
when saying goodbye to me, forever, on 'the morning after', be sure and tell me you "had a good time last night". That makes it all better.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:22, Reply)

Aspiring singers....
...don't go on X Factor. About 4 of you in the history of television are any good, so stick to the pub.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:21, Reply)

Eliminate blind spots while driving (and save your life!)
When you get in the driver's seat, put your head against the driver's side window. Adjust the driver's mirror so you can see the side of the car. Then move to the center between the front driver and passenger seat. Adjust the passenger mirror so you can see the other side of the car.

When you are driving, you will not see either side of the car in either mirror, but you will have an excellent view of both the right and left lanes behind you.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:21, Reply)

think you can do a great Austin Powers impersonation?

You can't.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:19, Reply)

Win a free PSP....
...by spurring everyone else on to slag off Virgin, then slip a seemingly neutral compo entry in the middle of the mayhem;thus increasing your chances.
o/j :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:19, Reply)

To get through a crowd of people leaving an event
bring a toddler with you. Pick him/her up and yell: "he's gonna be sick!"

People will part like the red sea for you.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:16, Reply)

need to get from my house to the doctors in 3 mins at school rush hour?
Go into Peterborough Road, right onto Canterbury Road, turn right onto Northway and dogleg across Aldershot Road down Beckingham Road, take a left into Grantley Road and follow Weston Road round. (NB: of limited use to most people on the board).
( shavedchimp something something oranges something, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:14, Reply)

Chewing gum in your hair?
Use peanut butter to get it out.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:14, Reply)

want to piss off your mates at the pub?
add salt to their beer for that extra flat taste
(theyerack, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:14, Reply)

Don't like Jehovas?
Throw pigs blood at them.


Then take some photos.


Then send me them.


Excellent......
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:12, Reply)

More onions
If you have onion odor on you hands, rub your hands on a stainless steel object, such as a spoon. They even sell "Onion Off" trinkets.

It works for me at first, but the odor comes back after a few hours.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:12, Reply)

Onions
Peel onions underwater to prevent them from making you cry.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:10, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

When stranded at the North Pole
and forced to hunt polar bears to live, refrain from eating the liver. While it might appear to be nutritious and delicious it contains a dangerously high level of vitamin A, which will poison you if you eat it.
( jme, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:09, Reply)

Want her to bruise?
Use a bag of apples instead.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:07, Reply)

Had a few too many?
If you get pulled over for driving while intoxicated, put a copper coin in your mouth.

It won't affect the breathalizer or help you pass the sobriety test, but it will give the police a laugh if your mouth turns green.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:07, Reply)

Want to beat your wife?
Use a bag of oranges; the dispersement of the oranges makes for no bruising :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:04, Reply)

More fishiness.
Rub yellow mustard (the prepared kind in the squirt jar, not the powder or seeds) on your hands then wash it off to remove the smell of fish.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:03, Reply)

Being attacked in the street?
Don't shout "help!"; the state of the world as it is today means that most people would either think you're part of some practical joke/reality TV show, or simply run in fear themselves. Try shouting "fire!", and people will come running with camera phones and marshmallows.
( jme, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:02, Reply)

My Tip Top
A squeezed out toothpaste tube can be refilled with gravel to give a serviceable door wedge.
( Tepid_Halibut felt like a cold, empty shell of a human...until, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:01, Reply)

Stuck on AOL?
Then don't call NTL you thick twunts.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:00, Reply)

Vending machine rejecting your coins?
If you need change (and the machine isn't a can machine, but there is one near) pay for a sold out can and it will usually give you change.

The change is more likely to work.
( gaijintendo Regular Member, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:59, Reply)

Neutralise dangerous explosives that you may
have hanging around the house buy soaking them in a strong saline solution for 2 weeks. Dont forget to remove any water proof wrapping first !
(Ning Has taken out flounce insurance., Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:59, 1 reply, 15 years ago)