I've spent a couple of chunks of time unemployed
due to mental health issues.

I noticed a distinct trend in the types of people at Jobcentres. Prepare for blatant stereotyping!

* The Genuine Article - the real job-seeker who's lost their job for whatever reason, need a little financial help getting by while they work hard looking for a job.

* The Silver Fox - finding it difficult to get a job because of their age, usually weary but polite.

* The Burned-Out Exec - unkempt but generally still in smart dress, they see it as their God-given right to claim Jobseekers, despite being able to run their M3 by skimming the interest off a secret off-shore bank account.

* The Obvious Piss-taker - the guy or girl who turns up in work-boots covered in plaster, or wearing a tabbard, to sign-on.

* The Blinger Minger - usually slightly overweight, wearing a track-suit a size too small and heavily adorned with cubic zirconia, he or she has an optional baby-in-an-incredibly-expensive-pram accessory, which invariably has a snotty nose.

* The Scum of the Earth - the type you see hanging out on street corners restraining rabid Staffordshire Bull Terriers and exchanging packages with people in old BMWs.

...and then there's me, weary of life in general and desperate for a hand-out so I can afford to eat, who actually quite enjoys the show while sitting, waiting for my case handler who's always, always late but incredibly polite and kind.

Feel free to add your own stereotypes, or embellish mine.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:53, 10 replies)

dole office.
A friend of mine had just left medical school, and had 2 months before he started his choosen profession proper. Amazingly(appallingly some might wonder), he could claim dole money whilst sitting on his arse congratulating himself.
soon the sunny days of sun, beer, and trying to impress the ladies with yes, I am a Doctor, ended and he had to " sign off" the dole.
The conversation went thus-
Him- " i`ve come to sign off"
Excited dole office girl- "Thats very good love, youv`e got a job now have you love?"
Him- " yes"
Her( whilst typing)" lovely, lovely, where you going to be working love??"
Him- " at XXXX hospital "
Her- " ohh lovely, what you going to be doing??"
Him- " umm, I1m going to be working as a houseofficer in the neurosurgical unit"
Her- " REALLYY?- I don`t remeber putting the card up for that one, how on earth did you manage to get that job love??"
Him- " Six years at medical school , working my tits off."
Her- " lovely, good luck then love."

Bless her.
(rural confucious, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:53, 2 replies)

Last Year
i was at the local job centre trying to acquire a job when i was told to wait behind the two most skanky looking scroungers i've ever happened to see.

As they shuffled to the front of the queue the bloke dropped what i thought was a tenna but after he fucked off i found another 20 wrapped up behind it.

So i gladly took my newly acquired £30 and got absolutely fucked. I did feel bad tho as they were with their baby at the time but i was poor and unemployed and they just would have bought a load of smack so fuck em.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:52, 7 replies)

Taxes
I have been a student for the last five years. First, of course, was the poverty of living off what my parents saw fit to give me (under no circumstances would they allow me to have a student loan).

Then the Masters degree. For this, I had a rather healthy amount of funding.

Same goes for my PhD, although I got greedy and decided to make some more money through marking.

I got paid for the marking today. The cheque was for a smaller amount than I was supposed to receive. I puzzled over this for a while, before remembering that in the real world people pay taxes rather than waiting for parents and government bodies to throw money in your direction.

That's how long it's been since I had a proper job.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:52, 2 replies)

Bollocks!
I've been waiting for a new question and I don't even have an answer.

I started working at 16, an evening job stacking shelves after school (6th Form).

Moved into a job at a large insurance firm at 18 and moved away from there to where I am now when I was 20.

I'm 21 now, soon to be 22, never really been unemployed, unless you count the times when I was living at home and still at school.

*relurks*
(porkinator is a Rock n Roll nerd!, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:45, 1 reply)

i'm unemployed right now
and due to the current financial crisis making it hard to find a job, as well as my postgraduate year of uni sucking all my time away, i get to spend whatever spare time i have weeping softly as i look at my depleted bank account and plead with centrelink to give me money.

oh, wait, the upside......um. well, i did learn to bake. i make a mean batch of choc mint cupcakes now.
(charlottebronte stalking through the moors, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:44, 2 replies)

Free Hardware
"Why are you grinning? This isn't funny, you know. Are you in shock? Do you need to sit down?" said the bigwig manager at the large insurance firm named after a certain city in Switzerland.

I'd never got on with this man. I could never figure out what was wrong with him, he was so up his own arse I'm suprised he didn't constantly smell like shit instead of the overpriced aftershave he slapped on liberally. OK, we hadn't got off on the right foot when one night I politely advised him I'd love to ejaculate on his wife's tits. I was drunk.

Then it suddenly occured to me one day: The bloke simply couldn't cum. That would explain why he was such a complete and utter cunt. I imagine his balls were the size of coconuts and bluer than the deep blue ocean. The cunt.

"No, that's fine. I get it," I said. "Can I go now?" My boss sort of nodded in my direction. "No, you don't understand. Can I go. As in leave the building?"

The cunt grunted at me, well, that's good enough for me! As I'm walking out his office he tells me to clear my desk and leave my pass at reception.

I'd worked there for four years.

But I was fucking happy. The place was a shithole run by cunts - it was like being stuck in 1984 (the book, not the year, though that would probably've been pretty dire too, what with the endless Adam Ant songs and the shit hair). Most of my mates had already left and I was only there on account of being a lazy drifter with the work ethic of a flouncing supermodel with a nasty coke habit, with a hangover, having her period.

So, I went back to my desk and told my fellow workers I'd been sacked. Came as a bit of a suprise - I am actually fucking great at my job; always the top sales bod on the target boards wherever I work.

My mate from IT, Sanjay, was loitering in the office, checking out the skirt. He came and shook my hand: "You'll be missed, mate."

And then I packed my shit into a box, rang up for a taxi to take me home, and went downstairs. Sanjay came down with me, lending a hand.

"Well, the whole place is closing in a few months," he said. Being the IT bod he had a better idea what was going on - he would regularly tell me the contents of the top secret emails the big boss gods would send each other. "The whole business has gone down the shitter, mate. They're getting rid of everything at a cutprice." Then he stopped. "Hang on - go and wait in the taxi and I'll be right back down." And he fucked off back up the stairs.

I went down to the reception with my box of crap, handed in my security pass, chatted with the security guard for a while. Then my taxi pulled up and I ran clambered inside.

"Hang on a minute, mate," I asked the driver, who nodded and flicked the meter on anyway.

Moments later my mate Sanjay appeared with a box covered in a bin bag, he slid it onto the seat next to me, slammed the door shut and grinned down through the window: "There you go, Spanky - a leaving present."

"What is it?"

"Brandnew laptop. Never been opened. Top of the range. Worth over two-grand."

"Fuck me! Cheers, Sanjay!"

He shrugged: "Fuck it, it's not like I'm paying for it. Gissa ring sometime?"

"I certainly will, mate," and then I left in the taxi, with my pencils, my pens, my framed photo of Han Solo, and an rather nice bit of computer gear that I now write most of this utter drivel on when I'm not in the office.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:43, 11 replies)

Wanking over Loose Women

Yes, I do have issues.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:43, 5 replies)

About two months ago
I was given a job working the till in a petrol station shop, I worked 1, read it, 1 hour before being layed off along with another part timer in favour of a new full time girl.

Wankers.
(Lukekull Fuck, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:42, Reply)

To the B3ta Mods…an open letter.

We’ve had our ups and downs, and as you know I am often at the forefront, wagging my complaining tallywaggle about when there have been shite QotWs used.

We whinge and bitch and bang on and on about it until we’re blue in the mouth. By jingo I bet you’re sick of it.

The thing is, when a good suggestion is used. Nobody ever lines up to say ‘Well done’. We all just mutter, take it for granted and get on with enjoying the QotW. You guys have a thankless task.

Well, I’m man enough to say this now. I have a GOOD feeling about this week.

So well.fucking.done. Kudos to you on what I think is an excellent choice.

I’m not even going to go into the realms of ‘about fucking time’. Let’s put it behind us shall we?

This question is generic, relevant enough to include everybody and there is definite potential for the thought-provoking posts. And the laughs, of course.

Although I can’t think of anything specific to post right now, I’m sure it won’t be long before I remember something worth posting. Until then I’ll enjoy the other posts.

So thank you B3ta.

Let's get cracking people.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:41, 18 replies)

Being Unemployed
There are a number of beautiful stages that you will go through:

1) Elation - The sheer freedom! A time in your life where you can look forward and think, in the next few MONTHS I have absolutely nothing to worry about. I can go anywhere, do anything (O.K. money might be a bit tight) but I AM FREE!

2) The Art of Sleep - Every day is the weekend. Sleep in until 11am. Then 12noon. Then 2pm. Then until when you get up its actually dark outside. Your slumber is so deep and relaxing that time is of no importance now.

3) Procrastination - After 3 weeks of living like a vampire, those computer games you have over-played are becoming tiresome. You are becoming increasingly frustrated with Phil and Fearns perpetual faux-happyness and smutty innuendos. You are ready to smash the T.V. after yet another glorious and smug attempt by Jeremy Kyle to belittle some working class scum-bag who beat up his daughter while shagging his own gran.

4) Depression. Months have passed and you can barely even sleep anymore. If you do it's at precisely the wrong time, perhaps when that girl you fancy is round and you miss everything. You have been gorging yourself on discount frozen pizza, out of date meat products and outrageous amounts of coffee. There is no structure to your life. It is sleep, watch daytime T.V., eat shit, shit shit and then struggle in vain to sleep. Hygiene is out the window, self-respect is at an all-time low. You hate even shopping or wandering the streets for fear that you will be exposed by the layman as the dithering piece of worthless shit that you are.

5. Suicide.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:39, 8 replies)

I got fired a while back.
Mind you, I am a brick.
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:33, 1 reply)

During my brief spell of unemployment
I wrote the scripts for nativity plays.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:31, Reply)

I'm great
I got made redundant at the grand age of 18 and been sacked 6 times before i hit 20
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:29, 2 replies)

2001 - 10 months out of work
Applied for 383 jobs over 10 months & after all that get 2 job offers on the same day.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:29, Reply)

One month on the dole in 1994
It was so utterly boring that after 3 days I was phoning my equally unemployed mate every half hour in an attempt to get through another five minutes of tedium.
Me: what are you having for dinner tonight?
Him: sausages, carrots, potato.
Me: how will you cook the carrots?
Him: I think I'll boil them.
Me: what way are you chopping them?
Him: lengthways, probably.
Me: did you watch This Morning
Him: yeah. Shit, wasn't it?
Me: yeah.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:25, Reply)

Getting in practise for the sadly inevitable
I'd love to know the demographics for this site, but I'm guessing that no-one on here is retired.

So, the vast majority of us on here will hopefully have some years of employment left to us, because (having been out of work since August) believe me, unemployment sucks.

I'm an IT contractor, which means yes, when there was work, I did OK thank you very much. Didn't put as many beans away as I should have done, but I'm still eating and surviving. It's a pain going for jobs knowing full well there are literally 300+ applications made for each one (if anyone needs a Project Manager, gaz me !). However, there is one upside to not having work...

...it's getting me ready for retirement.

My stepfather is 60 and still in work. I've only seen him drunk once, at a family wedding, where he told me that his greatest wish was to die in work.

As he's an accountant, I can't see that happening through anything work-related, and he's got no health issues that look likely to carry him off any time soon.

He's been a great provider, and although not a stereotypical workaholic, he's centred his life around work. Saves illness up for holidays, that sort of thing. No social life; my mum is madly social and he gets dragged along to things on sufferance, but he has zilch, nada, nothing he does as a hobby, no friends of his own although he's quite a witty individual. He's a great guy and brought me up from the age of 3 very well, and is a good dad to all his children.

However retirement terrifies him, and as a family, we worry about it as well, because we have no idea what the hell he's going to do with himself.

But for me, I know that the day magically fills itself. Every day, it gets to be 4, 5pm and I think - shit, should have done something more with my time today - but the time has gone.

So although unemployment sucks, at least I know that I can survive retirement. My greatest fear is - what the hell will the QOTW be in 20 years time ?!?

Hoping to see you all there with me as we wear our cardigans and comfortable shoes. I have visions of us meeting up for bashes, all-day events (hell, why not have a B3ta retirement home !) where we behave outrageously and get drunk far too quickly.

So thanks B3ta - you've shown me since I've been here how to waste time and get through the day.

Fuck me, it's 11am already - I better get on...
( I_Was_Mordred, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:25, 4 replies)

Catch 22
Last week I walked out of the office to avoid having a row with the boss, and therefore getting the sack for having a row with the boss.

I got the sack for walking out of the office.
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:15, Reply)

last?
Rats!
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:15, Reply)

Getting to know my son
Son was born last year. My employer found that I was "surplus to requirements" at the end of last year. Not very nice at the time but I did get a lump of cash and four months to play with my baby.

Not funny, but the best of times.
(Mork, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:14, Reply)

Neighbours.
I live next to a "family", the kids are actually pretty decent but probably not for much longer, because the adults are the sort that cried at Jade Goody's funeral and think "Babby P is wid da Angles now".

It being the first official weekend of the summer, they decided to indulge in their favourite summer pastime of drinking and fighting. At 3 o'clock this morning. From the sound of the loud altercation that took place (involving a goodly amount of smashing bottles and windows), it seems one of their guests took umbrage at being made unemployed come tomorrow and decided to let everyone know about it.

The police did not turn up in time to cart him away to some free bed and breakfast.
( speedyballbangpots, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:14, Reply)

Upside?
Using redundancy money to spend 99% of the time drunk and/or drinking.

Other 1% sat on the internet signing up to agencies and doing phone interviews while only wearing underwear.

Oh, and sleeping in 'till 2pm.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:14, Reply)

Being employed
Meant I missed out on the chance to be first to reply.

Bloody freeloaders.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:10, Reply)

The joys of unemployment
Of which there are precisely none.

As to the various ways I have become unemployed? Well, there are some stories there in and of themselves.

The first time was with my first job, when I was working in customer service for Marks and Spencers, dealing with snarky housewives who wanted hampers for Christmas. Christ it was dull, but at least there was the company intranet to mess around on. Which wasn't the cause of my downfall, oddly enough. At the time I was at university. I'd just started in fact. The time was December 2001, and I was coming to the end of my first semester. Of course the trouble with first years, being away from home for the first time, often have the common sense of a stunned amoeba. Also, a lot of the sports students tended to have all the wit and social graces of a retarded rhinocerous. The best people to share a hall of residence with, I'm sure you'll agree.

Now, remember me mentioning the timing, and who I was living with at the time? Well, add a third ingredient commonly found in 1st year university students. That old friend, and occasional money drain, alcohol. These three combined, are terrible enough. Now, add a fourth ingredient- fire hoses. Indoors.

So- combine these four somewhat unorthodox equines of the apocolypse and you have yourself a perfect storm- albeit a wet and noisy one, as most of them are. So it does fit the description. Yes, this bunch of pissheads figured that it would be a good idea to have a waterfight, indoors, in the middle of December, using firehoses. At three in the morning, drunk out of their trees. Now of course the effect of this is that a perfect storm of this magnitude is not without problems. Mainly water dripping through the floors, into computers, causing a good deal of damage and wiping out dissertations. And how was I caught up in this? Well.

Fed up with the noise, I'd gone outside to quietly ask them to be quiet. Oh who was I kidding. I went out and started shouting. A lot. And then when they stopped, mainly due to the hall warden threatening to throw them off the nearest motorway bridge, they all went to bed, leaving a rather sodden hall of residence to drip dry into the previously mentioned computers.

And how was I caught up in this? Well, it seems someone had seen me shouting, and figured I was involved in the whole rather sodden, sorry and somewhat sordid affair. And therefore, I had to leave campus quick sharpish. Which meant going home, and then earning me my first ticket into the world of unemployment.

Oh dear.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:09, 1 reply)

6th is good.
.
( girlinthehole, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:08, Reply)

5th!

( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:07, Reply)

Damn!

(Vikingheadache, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:06, Reply)

Third?
EDIT: Woo! Story to follow later
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:06, Reply)

oOoH!
Is it me?
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:05, Reply)

First!
Thank Jesus, Thank Buddha, Thank Allah, Thank Krishna, Thank all the fucking gods that we don't have have to put up with that fucking TERRIBLE question anymore.

Unfortunately I've been employed ever since I left school, so that's me fucked on this question - over to you lot (you doley scrounging leeches)...
(Apathyman Prepare to be underwhelmed..., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:05, Reply)