An Inspector Minge mystery...
This is one of those true stories that sound completely made up, it's also quite long but the payoff is worth it I reckon.

Back in 1991, having graduated during a recession (there's a lot of it about) I found myself struggling to get a job - I eventually found work as a guard on the Underground.

Apart from getting to live the childhood dream of many and drive a train from time to time, the job mostly consisted of standing at the back of the train and opeing and closing the doors. Part of this involves making sure that as the train leaves that no one is caught in the doors and being dragged (there was a light that told you that all the doors were closed but you still needed to check).

While I was being trained, we were told to observe the train as it left the station until 3/4 of the train length had gone into the tunnel before closing our own door, which involved leaning out of the carriage as the train departed and slowly picked up speed. During my training they changed this to 2/3 of the train length following a short spate of accidents on the Central line - guards kept smacking their heads on the wall at the end of the platform (ironically known as the Headwall), no-one knew why and the guards themselves couldn't remember how it happened.

One time a driver got to Shepherd's Bush, heard the train doors open and waited and waited for them to close. Nothing happened. He called up the guard over the extremely rubbish intercom they had back then and got no answer. He eventually walked the entire length of the platform to remonstrate with his guard (a time honoured tradition involving liberal use of the word cunt - a typical example I remember is when a driver asked me to save him one of the many newspapers left by passengers - I gave him a Daily Mirror and he said "Next time, get me one with tits in you cunt"). On reaching the end of the train the driver found the guard lying on the floor of the carriage, unconscious and bleeding from a head wound.

There had obviously been a passenger in the carriage who had opened the doors to leave the train but not told anyone about the unconscious guard. The guard later recovered but as with previous cases couldn't recall how it came about. With CCTV coverage being sporadic and of very poor quality at the time it appeared to be an unsolvable mystery.

Anyways, shortly after this, I passed out as a fully qualified guard and started working on the line as normal. One day, heading westbound from Epping to West Ruislip I was at Holland Park, not long after the morning peak.

The train and the platform were largely empty apart from a woman sitting on a bench about 3/4 of the way down the platform. As the train was leaving the station I noticed her watching me, so looked back at her - as I started to draw level (and as the train continued to accelerate) she smiled at me, pulled up her skirt to reveal, well everything - I was understandably transfixed and stared at her as the train went passed until I suddenly realised what was happening and drew my head in sharply, the tiniest moment before my head drew level with the headwall at the end of the platform.

So I had figured that was what was happening, she was transfixing guards with her genitals and causing them to smack their heads into the headwall.

I reported it, expecting some thanks for solving the mystery, instead everyone thought I was making it up. I only did the job for about eighteen months but that was just one of several bizarre experiences, there was also the North Acton Sniper (who used to shoot out train windows with a high powered air rifle), the naked sunbather on the Chigwell loop and the idiot who threw himself off a bridge in front of our train at South Woodford, but instead bounced off the track.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Sat 30 May 2009, 12:22, 3 replies)

If the guards were hitting their heads on the wall
theyn sooner or later someone could've been killed. I wonder if anyone did take any notice of your explanation?
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 30 May 2009, 16:12, closed)

Tell us the one
about the naked sunbather on the Chigwell loop!

It's perfect for this week :)
(Scritty Bakerman., Sun 31 May 2009, 13:06, closed)

I remember
the North Acton sniper.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 9:42, closed)