Not me, Mrs SLVA has this new habit
She'll go to bed to read for a bit. I usually go to bed about 10 mins later, mainly because I'm the one that locks up and so on; that sort of pre-bedtime pottering about that seems to take far longer than it ought to.

So, I get upstairs and get in bed. I'm not one for reading, so I usually stick the headphones into my phone and listen to podcasts I've downloaded earlier that day.

She will then reach down and start fondling me. Less than 20 seconds later, I'm at full tumescence and I'm getting what is essentially a free handjob. This lasts for a few minutes and it's beginning to feel good, leg-tensingly good. Then she'll just stop and will not continue.
"What did you stop for?" I ask.
"Well, I didn't want a shag or anything, I was just having a fiddle"

This happens regularly. If I end up not getting a shag for a few days (such as when she's up on bricks), all of these false starts are going to result in a huge build up in pressure and I'll be set with a hair trigger. She'll start 'having a fiddle' and I'll go off with such force, it'll wash her off the bed, she'll be hopelessly gummed to the bedroom wall and the only way I'll free her is by steaming her off with the kettle.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:32, 12 replies)

You mean like this?
www.b3ta.com/board/10100134
( Beastie is doing science with his arse, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:36, closed)

WHAT!!!!?
This offends me on so many levels. (Well, jealousy really.)
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:37, closed)

Hahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahaha

Poetry!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:37, closed)

that's just wrong

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:43, closed)

I just got the weirdest mental picture ever.
Gee, thanks.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:44, closed)

HAHAHAHAAA!...

Excellent stuff!

(The post, not your predicament)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:46, closed)

Pooflake?
I thought you were dead?!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:47, closed)

I am, I think...

At least that would explain the smell :(

How are you, you trolloping lump of man-tastic-ness?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:49, closed)

Lol wut moment.

(Archeleus hates cabbage, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:51, closed)

My girlfriend does something similar
She wakes up in the middle of the night and asks me to take my fingers for a stroll in her lady garden. When she's done she goes to sleep and leaves me hanging.

And she wonders why her pillow smells of jizz, she does have nice skin though
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 16:00, closed)

So after she falls asleep you stand over her and ejaculate on her pillow?

(Archeleus hates cabbage, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 16:01, closed)

No, he lets me do that
In exchange for sucking him off.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 17:06, closed)

He is correct
but you only do it because I'm ginger
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 13:06, closed)

Ah ha ha!
A click for the last sentence.
( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 16:01, closed)

Take up reading in bed.
Then start dipping your fingers in the scented folds and have a wiggle.
Stop, rinse repeat. When she is shivering like a shitting dog, stop.
Tell her you just wanted your finger wet to turn the page.
Done.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 25 Jun 2010, 16:30, closed)

I'd 'like' this
but I love it instead, that last sentence in OP is da winnahz.

The whole thread as well as the reply above.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 0:37, closed)