Just a teensy bit drunk...
Back in the day I'd attended an all-night house party. A great bash and I was roused by the host around 5am and politely told to make myself scarce. I stumbled downstairs into the weak light of dawn and found myself facing an almighty dilemma. Was it to be a good hour's wait and intolerable 40min ride on the night bus, or was it to be a quick jaunt home in my shiny hatchback?

I did the maths. It was 5am, I'd probably been passed out for at least 2hrs and I'd had my last drink about an hour before that. My mind struggled with the well-known equation: time (t), equals alcoholic units (au), divided by risk of being pulled over (r). Totting it all up, my calculation of t=au/r indicated that I was perfectly fit to drive. So I did.

I pulled off, cruised down the High Street, turned onto the main road and was promptly flagged down by a police car. Bugger. Over wandered PC Plod.

'Had anything to drink tonight, sir?' he enquired politely.

'Maybe a beer or two maximum,' I replied as straight-faced as possible, 'but that was hours ago...’

Unfortunately, my kip on a booze-drenched couch had made me look and smell a little worse for wear.

'Please step out of the vehicle, I'm going to have to ask you to blow into this bag.'

'With pleasure, officer.'

And then...

'I'm arresting you on suspicion of driving under the influence of excess alcohol, I'm going to handcuff you and place you in the back of the patrol vehicle.'

Shit. Back of the cop car. Wasn't too bad - he put the blues and twos and we raced back to the station. I was duly processed and sent to a room with a big, big breathalyser, into which I blew and blew and blew again. But absolutely nothing happened. A faulty machine. Yes! But actually, no! As within minutes, a nurse had appeared to take a blood sample. The copper told me to come back when the results were in - and remember to bring my licence. I left the station, night bus all the way.

A week or so later the results were in, they showed 83mg of booze in my blood. The limit is 80mg! Three milligrams over the limit. THREE!

Back at the copshop they gave me two choices: hand in my licence, pay the fine and receive and instant ban for 12 months, or, should I so wish, though it would be exceptionally stupid on my part to do so (according to the desk sarge), I could resist the automatic ban and fight my corner in court.

Having just gained my freedom only months earlier when I passed my test, I was not going back to public transport or lifts from my mum. No way. I was going to fight it! Fight my 3mg discrepancy. I'd fucking show them. THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

I sought the advice of several solicitors. None would touch my case. It was open and shut, I was over the limit, no matter by how l much, I was still over the limit and there was no defence. I retained an independent practitioner who calculated (properly this time) how much real-life alcohol I would have had to have drunk to be 3mg over. He took into account my weight, height, BMI etc. and came to the conclusion that the 3mg could have been accounted for by 1/4 of a pint of 5% ABV beer or a small mouthful of spirit.

But still, the briefs wouldn't take my case. I needed an angle. And then I found one. I'd read recently about chef who tried to beat a drink driving rap by claiming the sauces he had to taste in his restaurant all contained booze - and it was only this that had put him over the limit. He lost his case. He should have known what was in his sauces, said the magistrate, as he bloody well made them himself. His ban was increased to 18 months and his fine to £5k.

But what if he hadn't known what he was ingesting?

And there hinged my case. I was spiked your honour. I'd had my regulation two beers and then I’d moved to fruit juice. Or at least I thought I had…

A mate. A good mate who owed me a massive favour agreed to help me out. All he had to do, I told him, was explain to the court that he'd slipped a solitary vodka into my orange juice, you know, just for fun. After checking that his actions could not be construed as criminal, we had our day in court.

Defending myself, as no fool would touch my case, I rocked up at the magistrate's court with my loyal friend in tow. I took the stand, swore my oath and looked into the cold, dead eyes of the three magistrates about to judge me. They consisted of a 60+ year old woman, all twin-set and pearls, flanked by two blank looking men, both with double-barrelled names. Below me was the prosecutor, another stern-faced jobsworth by the looks of things.

The old lady started up, 'Mr Marshmallow, please give us your version of the events, we will then hear from the arresting officer and any witnesses you may call. The prosecutor will direct her questions to you, please address your answers to me.'

I told my story. I was at a party. I'd had a small drink, and then I'd settled down for a nap before I drove home. I didn't want to be tired at the wheel, did I?

'And what precisely did you have to drink?' asked the prosecutor.
I explained that I'd had two cans of Fosters and then moved onto orange juice. I also explained that my friend was acting as an impromptu barman, dolling out drinks to the party. He poured me my juice, and as I have so subsequently discovered, added a shot of vodka to it.

The copper was called. Reading from his notebook he described my arrest, the blood taking procedure and some other inane details. He wasn't asked to add anything further.

Then my friend, my loyal wonderful was called to the stand.
'Mr X,' began the prosecutor, 'is there any truth in the assertion Mr Marshmallow makes that you added a shot of vodka to the orange juice he'd asked you for?'

'Yes.' He stated quietly.

'Why on earth would you do that?'

'Well, well I wanted to the party going a bit!' He replied. 'I wanted everyone to have a good time so I was adding vodka to the juices, I was adding more gin to the punch, I was blind drunk and just having a laugh in my role as barman. I didn't know he was driving. I was just trying to give everyone a boost.'

'Rubbish!' The prosecutor cried. 'I put it to you Mr X that you are only here to try and help your friend. That this is a story the two of you have concocted to try and beat a very serious offence. Now tell me again, why would any sane person decide to spike people's drinks?'

It wasn't looking good. The magistrates seemed summarily unimpressed. I could see the 24 month ban and £10,000 fine coming my way. It was time for the nuclear option.

'I told you,' my lovely, gorgeous mate said, 'I was just trying to liven everybody up. I thought I'd try and get everyone pissed - even those asking for plain orange juice.'

'I'm sorry Mr X,' she said, 'I simply don't believe you. Give me one good reason, other than trying to aid your friend that you would take it upon yourself to do such a thing?'

'Because,' my friend said in almost a whimper, head bowed, staring at the ground, 'because I wanted to get him into bed. You see I’ve fancied him for ages but I’ve always been too scared to tell him. And when he told me he’d been arrested, I knew it was my fault and it was killing me. So I came clean and I told him what I’d done. I’m so sorry Albert, I truly am.’

Silence.

Who could argue with that? The magistrates can't appear to be homophobic, the prosecutor can't push her angle any more. It was now a simple case of unrequited love and a single shot of vodka. 100% believable and 100% untrue.

The prosecutor dithered. There were no further questions. The magistrates retired and reappeared over half an hour later.

I was called to the stand again.

'Mr Marshmallow,' the battle-axe in the middle addressed me, 'Mr Marshmallow we accept your reasons for being over the limit and find in your favour. May I add that I hope you have learned something from this experience and that in the future, you make up your own drinks and keep them close to you. This court has faced many cases of young women ignoring this advice and finding their drinks laced with far worse than vodka. And as for you Mr X, you must think long at hard about the consequences of your selfish actions. You could have destroyed your friend’s life for the sake of your own personal fascinations.'

The two of us silently absorbed our lecturing, and then shuffled out of the court and into the glorious light of day. A big high-five on the court steps and then off the boozer over the road to celebrate. He drove home.

tl;dr - I fought the law and I won.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 13:33, 53 replies)

SEMEN PATEL

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 13:41, closed)

IN HEAVEN PATELS ARE RINGING!!!!!
LOL!
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:45, closed)

I like this.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 13:52, closed)

"After checking that his actions could not be construed as criminal"
Have perjury and attempting to pervert the course of justice been taken off the books, then?

Don't take this the wrong way*, Albert, but I do hope you get run over.

*I know you won't, as you just enjoy the attention.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 13:59, closed)

No.
Perjury / perverting the course of justice is only a crime if caught.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:03, closed)

Yes, dear.
And you're not a creepy stalker if your victims never find out.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:05, closed)

your definition of what a crime is might be flawed there

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:09, closed)

True.
But unless my mate goes all Vicky Pryce on me, I'm in the clear!
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:20, closed)

His definition of what an interesting and/or amusing story might be certainly is

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:32, closed)

can you expand on the tl;dr?
but not as much as the actual story, i'm assuming this has generous portions of honda accord?
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:00, closed)

It was actually a VW Golf.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:03, closed)

Oh. Dear.
(anvil, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:02, closed)

This'll end well.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:31, closed)

It'll end exactly as he intended.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:57, closed)

are you suggesting that poor Albert here is a lonely attention-seeker?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:59, closed)

He's suggesting that Albo here is employing some textbook 'triple T' technique with his post.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:58, closed)

& just look at what has happened Monty.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 15 Feb 2013, 22:15, closed)

I don't think he's 'trolling the trolls', really. Just generally trolling. And it's a finely weighted effort, from the initial self-aggrandisement to the absolute lack of remorse at the end, as his mate repeats the initial crime. Almost certainly untrue, but top marks nonetheless.

I liked it, and have clicked accordingly.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 16 Feb 2013, 2:57, closed)

It's people like you who'll get the limit lowered. Then no-one will go out for a drink any more and all the pubs will close.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:40, closed)

Drink driving is well LOL and not utterly irresponsible.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:41, closed)

We should recognise Albert for the people's champion that he is.
He's the Martin Lewis of reckless endangerment.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:01, closed)

he's Indiana Sexpest

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:04, closed)

Brilliant! Stolen.
(Howland C. Pousiccat sailed away, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 19:58, closed)

Outraged post acting morally superior

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:30, closed)

Predictable emvee baiting comment.
Man, this is effortless.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:36, closed)

effortless

Predictable.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:45, closed)

Hey, I'm a loose cannon
who won't play by your rules!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 16:00, closed)

Ahahahahaha
Good effort there, by the man who hasn't posted anything original since...uh...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 16:12, closed)

good story
but still, bad form
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 16:56, closed)

compared with his other works this one is a tale of extraordinary saintliness

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 17:07, closed)

Totally LOLing that you'll die alone and in pain and unloved, you charmless, ugly-witted cunt.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 18:04, closed)

"ugly-witted"?

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 15 Feb 2013, 22:14, closed)

haha

( 4Q just lurking, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 20:04, closed)

Shame. Eloquently told, but.....
Maybe it would have have had a much MUCH better response if you had thought a little bit more carefully over the potential criminal implications.

Firstly, it is an offence under criminal law to administer a noxious substance. So your friend would probably have faced a bit more than a ticking off from a magistrate.

Oh, and in giving a defence, the magistrate would have required evidence from a medical specialist who would have been able to prove that you would have been under the limit if the drink spiking had not been carried out.

And lastly, as you have quite happily admitted perjury, as others have already mentioned, and seem to think drinking and driving is all good and fun, then, you shall be awarded the grand honour of "The biggest cockmaster of 2013."

Cheerio.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 20:29, closed)

It seems very unlikely that any of his entertaining stories are true.
I'm often surprised at some of the shrill moralising that goes on here.
( 4Q just lurking, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 20:53, closed)

It is likely the alcohol would not count as a noxious substance
But that shouldn't detract from your conclusion.
( Ghoti Fingers, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 21:23, closed)

Right and wrong...
You're right, I did need a statement from a specialist (it's mentioned in the post), I filed his submissions at the start of the hearing. The story is long enough without detailing all the paperwork too.

And alcohol at the levels we were dealing with wasn't classed as a noxious substance. The defence works. And if you find yourselves 3mg over the limit and facing a ban, this is your only way out.

Oh and thanks for the award. Quite an honour considering its only February.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 21:51, closed)

Is posting on the internet a critical stage in this terribly devious process?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 22:11, closed)

Consider it a public service announcement.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 22:56, closed)

I'm not considering it anything.
That would involve actually reading it. Soz.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 16 Feb 2013, 9:11, closed)

No need to apologise.
I too spend large chunks of my time commenting on things I haven't read.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 16 Feb 2013, 10:30, closed)

Why would anybody spend a large chunk of time on here?
I just read a bit of it to cheer you up. My favourite part is where you go to an 'all night' party and fall asleep before the pubs shut.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 17 Feb 2013, 8:12, closed)

Bollocks.
Administering any substance regardless of amount, level or potency that has the potential to cause injury, annoyance or aggravation is a criminal offence.
"Offences Against the Person Act 1861".

Or in other words, you might not be fucked, but your mate certainly should be.

Besides, blood testing uses Gas Chromatography, and there is a average made of IIRC 3 or 4 readings. 6% is then deducted from the total to give a fair and representative result.
So potentially, you could have had a BAC reading higher than 83mg/100ml, which means you were still a pissed up fucknugget of the highest echelon.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 22:42, closed)

Well I'm just glad my case was heard by a magistrate.
And not some blithering idiot off the internet.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 23:06, closed)

Damn, you have got me there. I am certainly a blithering idiot for reading your post and wasting my precious time for replying.
Mind you, I'd rather be a blithering idiot than some cockmaster drink driving cunt of a waste of space who ..... oh, fuck it, I can't be bothered.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Sat 16 Feb 2013, 0:04, closed)

Just a reminder: it's perfectly OK for fully paid up Tories/liberals to commit perjury or similar offences, but mere mortals have no chance of getting away with it.
HTH.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 16 Feb 2013, 0:51, closed)

Brilliant
Fuck the preachy cunts on their high-horses, moralising about what might have happened, no one was hurt in the making of this story.
I bet they prey to jeebus.
( Twizla ...a shrew living on the edge of a bog, extinct on, Sat 16 Feb 2013, 19:59, closed)

wait now hold on there...
www.ipswichstar.co.uk/news/ipswich_drink_driver_spared_ban_despite_being_twice_limit_after_claiming_his_brother_laced_his_orange_juice_with_vodka_1_1936916
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 18 Feb 2013, 10:15, closed)

Hmmm...posted on 17/02/2013...

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 18 Feb 2013, 14:46, closed)

Courts don't sit on Sundays though.
Admit it. You're Colin Adwent.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Mon 18 Feb 2013, 16:21, closed)

Or Samuel Beckett

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 16:00, closed)