Work night out
Good job, great lads, good crack out and me being a complete lightweight. Before the said night out lads bought a rake of can's which we duly necked in a side street. Then on to club for more drinkables and a bit a dancing. There was about 20 people from work there that night.

They witnessed me and a friend be ejected a hour before closing for using a fire extinguisher as a smoke machine. We hung around bored chatting to passers by. Looking down the side of the club in noticed loads of wheelie bins under a camera and, well, decided I wanted that camera. Now alcohol addled as I was of course I did not figure that my antics would be watched on camera by the door staff.

Who promptly came running at me and my friend knocking both us and bins like skittles. I ended up landing on my feet and scampering around a corner and over a fence and hid as the bouncers were running past.

Having escaped I wanted to ensure my friend was ok and walked back towards the club (I did say I was a drunken mess) only to see the bouncers look in complete shock before they grabbed me and reefed me inside waiting for the paddy wagon.

Result. Club fined for serving me when it was massively clear I was in no fit state to drink and then wasting garda time calling them to pick me up.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Sat 9 Oct 2010, 20:58, 3 replies)

Not mine.

(brutal stack Raided the beeves of Apollo on, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 20:52, 3 replies)

Uplift
A few years ago, I was staying the night in a cheap and cheerful hotel. A travellodge I think. And in my usual way, I was going to open the Bible provided to scribble a note in the front. Just something like 'Signed by the Author', or 'Caution: May inspire extremism'. And so I opened the front cover...

'Don't even think about it. Signed God'

I laughed so much I thought I was going to pass out. Kudos to you, anonymous vandal. It really cheered me up. So ever since then it's become a tradition for me to check any hotel room I stay in for a bible. And if one is there to write something uplifting in the front cover, so some tired bored businessman might smile like I did. It's usually trite or cheesy, I'm no poet and my command of reassuring language is spotty at best.

Past examples have included 'It's not as bad as you think it is. Keep going and everything will improve' or 'There are people in the world who care about you - always remember that'. Other sappy sentimental crap like that. Or my personal favourite of 'If I was here I'd give you a hug'.

The odds are that no-one reads them, but it gives me a little warm glow inside to imagine someone picking up the book to vandalise it, or read it and smile for a moment.

Plus it might make up for all the times I drew moustaches onto virtually every face on a poster I was alone with.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 20:46, 4 replies)

Wedding japes!
Aged 17, I headed to a family wedding. As the bride was from Halifax, the family travled down and stayed at the hotel where the reception was.

The hotel had one of those letter board things, plastic letters slot into little grooves in board to spell out words. This was the first time I had been confronted by this space age technology. It was also the first time I had champagne. The combination of these factors led to me having the greatest idea for a prank. A grown up prank that my uncles would nod at in approval. The subtle prank that most people would miss. A prank that would elevate me from a nephew, grandson or boy, to the shores of manhood.

I was going to make rude words on the board! Scoping the area, I found the spare letters left carlessly on a desk, no staff around to notice, I pokected a pair of N's in preperation. Quickly checking the coast was clear I approached the board. "A Walker and Walker wedding." was set in silver effect plastic. (It's just coincidence, it wasn't one of "Those" weddings.) Well it didn't read that for long. Soon, guests were welcomed to "A Wanker and Wanker wedding." I retreated to a safe distance to admire my handy work. The first person to notice fell into fits of laughter. Sadly, it was my cousin, not an adult. Indeed when the adults began to notice, they didn't seem amused. They seemed cross that some one was messing with the special day, my work was quickly removed, my joke lost.

In retrospect, it wasn't big, it wasn't clever, and it wasn't true. The happy couple wern't wankers, I never beloved they were. I just assumed naughty words were funny at all times, weddings included.

I was also sick outside the hotel that night. Not realy vandalism, but it did somewhat detract from the rather grand looking hotel.
(Mong goose, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 20:42, 1 reply)

When walking back from the pub
I decided to take a shit behind the changing rooms for the footballers on my local park. Not because I needed to, just because chavs used to sit there and do drugs and I knew it would fuck up their seating arrangement.

2 days later I walked past that area from a distance and saw that it looked like someone had burnt that area, presumably to rid it of any skidmarks. But now that whole building has a fence round it, so poo isn't really needed as a deterrent to sit there.

Length... a good Cumberland ringsworth. And it required only one leaf to wipe, which was lucky considering it could well have been a beer poo.
(Stu in the hat is frothing at the gash, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 20:20, 1 reply)

'There was a hole here once... but now it's gone!'
Scariest vandalism ever.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 20:16, 2 replies)

Another I just remembered
There was a hole in a wall about the size of a fist. It was a brick wall(well cinderblocks, so concrete?). Some wrote underneath it: "Chuck Norris was here"
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 19:52, Reply)

Possible urban myth...
In the toilets of a large company, somebody put a sign on the mirror above the wash basin saying "THINK!". A few days later, some wag put a sign above the soap dispenser saying "THOAP!".
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Sat 9 Oct 2010, 19:22, 2 replies)

Above a urinal
England's future is in your hands.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Sat 9 Oct 2010, 19:19, Reply)

"Pretty Small Half A Chicken! What? I Would Though But"
...was for years displayed across a rail bridge in Isleworth. I often wondered who the scrawler was and what the sunsets were like on his planet as I drove underneath.

Gone now, sadly, and the area is much the poorer for it.
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 18:59, Reply)

Milky milky
Whilst doing my A levels our head of sixth form was a bit of twat, but he also had some health problems so was often off work for a day or two here and there.

On one such occasion I thought it would be funny to pour some milk on the carpet behind his desk as it might pong slightly and be a minor irritant. What I didn't know however was that on this particular occasion he would be off for about 3 weeks, elevating this minor act of student terrorism to unplanned levels.

After about a week you could smell it in the hall way. After two and a half you could smell it down the corridor. And by the time he came back it was so bad that people were gagging within about 30 feet of his door and they had contractors in to check whether there was something dead in the ceiling crawl space.

Needless to say the carpet needed changing and he got a new office, and somehow despite everyone knowing it was me and dropping very unsubtle "hints" everytime there was a teacher around, I never got busted.



Sixth Form was fun.
(Isaac Hunt., Sat 9 Oct 2010, 18:54, Reply)

A slight addition to a classic NZ play......
Scene - Wellington NZ, early-mid 1980s.
Young Sebulba is conducting a lengthy crusade in favour of ignorance at a second-rate Catholic high school.
With him is his trusty friend Andre.

Fate had put our two heroes in Old Arthur's English class, to study that classic NZ Play, The Pohutukawa Tree.
Truly, its boring stosh. Even if performed, I doubt there would be any kind of spark; recited at your desk, it was woeful.

But on a brighter note, Andre's copy of the play had been 'enhanced'.
Some nameless genius has written in another character.
Someone that had also decided this slow, boring play needed a boot up the ass.
The character was named Eby.

Now Eby's part wasn't huge (settle!!), but it was meticulously written for full effect.
Eby would enter a scene and say nothing for ages, until at the right moment a carefully chosen line (or lines) from him would change the scene from serious drama to outrageous comedy, whereupon he would leave.

Of course I ditched my copy and read off Andre's!
And Old Arthur never understood why in the midst of a big dramatic scene, Andre and I would be crying with laughter.

I wish the play had been kept so I could regale you with excerpts from it, but we handed it in so some other poor downtrodden saps could get a giggle from it in the future.

When I started writing comedy myself, I drew inspiration from the author's own efforts, and remembered his examples of timing and content.

To the unknown genius who wrote it - they should be studying YOUR version of the play. More fun all round! You are a Yoda amongst Jedis!

Length - 5 weeks of actually enjoying English classes.

BTW - RIP Old Arthur - the 88s never got you in the Desert, but Father Time did.
(Sebulba continues to fight evil with evil....., Sat 9 Oct 2010, 18:36, 1 reply)

And one from Mr Entity
seen on a loo wall:

Oh David you are such a fool,
You have a tiny wee tool,
It's only good for key holes,
And little girls wee holes,
Oh David you are such a fool.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 9 Oct 2010, 17:53, Reply)

Up a little alley on my way home someone has sprayed on the wall:
Gay off sniffle fairy.

I agree with their sentiment.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 9 Oct 2010, 17:34, Reply)

About 10 years ago I lived in the Kemp Town area of Brighton.
As I worked in town I had to walk up St James Street everyday.
Anyone who knows Brighton that St James street is best described wretched hive of scum and villainy. Actually that's not true, it was a nice enough area of Brighton where many of the gay bars were. The problem was that you would get homophobic knobends turning up for a bit of gay bashing and I became quite accustomed to walking round pools of blood and crime tape on my way to work.

However one day I noticed the chalk outlines were different to the usual body shaped ones.
There was a line that started at 90º to each shop front and carried on for 30cm or so, then turned a right angle and carried along the front of the shop or bar and turned right again back to the wall. This then started again at the nextdoor shop, bar or whatever.
Inside each little box was something like : shopping place, eating place, drinking place, meeting lovely people place, ladies only place (lesbian bar).
This was down the whole length of St James Street and cheered up my morning walk.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 9 Oct 2010, 17:32, 2 replies)

Remember Dallas, the series, not the place?
Well you may also recall that the ten gallon hat wearing cock who was the protagonist of the whole affair was JR.
If your memory will stretch back far enough you might remember that he was shot at the end of one series by an unknown assailant.

Well I grew up near a village called Evershot. Which was the scene of some of the best vandalism ever seen.

Someone changed the sign to read:

Who
Evershot
JR?


See, brilliant.
Well it was for the west country in the early 80s.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 9 Oct 2010, 17:12, Reply)

Own goal
It serves him right!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cVWqhh_6xA
(Mackeson_drinker, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 14:49, 1 reply)

Night & Day Cafe in Manc
"Ham & eggs - a days work for a chicken, a lifetime for a pig"

Also, on a wall in This is England... "Maggie is a twat".
(steh30, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 14:41, Reply)

Not mine, I thought it was funny though

(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 14:34, Reply)

in my work toilet
words fail me every time i look at this...


(monofur, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 14:26, 1 reply)

on the ceiling of the old pavilion
colly the wally cock breath - and yer dad!
(monofur, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 14:12, Reply)

Grafitti - nothing new...
Whilst there is a certain childish humour to be derived from inappropriately-placed CDCs and so forth, there has been a definite decline in standards over the years. Go to any ruined castle, find the most difficult/longest remaining staircase, and climb it. The bottom will be rife with grafitti - hastily-scratched initials, unimaginitive insults scribbled down in permanent marker. Go further up, and it thins out; clearly today's overweight, attention-deficit youth lack the patience for such endeavours. First to go are the pen crowd, then the lazy chicken-scratchers fall by the wayside. The dates get older. About halfway up, you start to see the better grafitti - carved to last in days gone by. Three quarters, you're back a couple of hundred years - and the grafitti is etched about a centimeter deep, beautifully-bevelled, with honest to goodness serifs. Serifs! Who puts in that much effort these days?

Then there's the really old stuff, like this, which is fascinating. Some wouldn't be out of place today - 8442, "I screwed the barmaid" - some runs to the boredline-poetic, nothing rushed, perfectly planned and executed - almost elegiac in nature. Then therre's item 8792 - a message from ancestral times, from some nameless, faceless denizen of the Pax Romana. He's gone, now, forgotten - his life has passed, his bones turned to dust, the world he would have known changed beyond all recognition. And yet one thing remains, his legacy to future generations; all his life, distilled to this one poignant comment - the only thing he left for us, the only way we will ever know him:

"On April 19th, I made bread".

Fantastic.

TLDR.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 13:45, 1 reply)

Gents' cubicle. Luminaire. Kilburn.
"To all the twats who come in here just to piss because they're embarrassed by their small cocks, please could you try to aim and not piss all over the floor? Thanks so much."

Response: "Actually, I just enjoy the seclusion and quiet. Oh fuck it - there you go, missed a bit just for you."
(Good old boy just like yer grandma!, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 13:13, 1 reply)

While stumbling home from the local Revs last night,
I came across this. Apologies for blurry, but my phone camera is pretty rubbish.


(epinephrine, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 13:04, Reply)

Fat Barry
Back when I first stared uni (2003 to be exact) I remember a particular type of random graffiti over the campus. They always started with "Fat Barry...." - My favourite was "Fat Barry dislikes angular movement". That always made me smile. I know some people here went to RHUL. Do any of you remember Fat Barry?
(RJWEcology is just sharpening his axe on, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 12:24, 2 replies)

one evening when i was about 15
my best mate vik and i were just messing around at my house. mum and dad had gone out to pick up dinner and we didn't know or care where my younger brother and his mate were. we were just relieved that they had buggered off.

so we were happily giving each other makeovers and gossiping in my bedroom when the front door slammed with a massive BANG and we heard my father yelling "get in there, the pair of you!" then the family room door slammed underneath us. vix and i glanced at each other, and as one we dropped to the floor and glued our ears to it. the ensuing bollocking that we overheard nearly made us rupture something laughing (as teenagers, there is nothing better than watching a classmate/sibling getting a total rollicking!).

turned out my brother and his mate had decided it would be fun to skim stones at cars on the road, thinking they could dive into the park where our house is afterwards. armed with stones they had waited for the first car. as it drew near, they had bocked the stones at it. and managed to smash the headlight. result!

sadly for my brother and his mate, the driver was a lot quicker than they thought. and a lot stronger. and a lot more familiar with the park. oh, and it was also my father. he clouted the pair of them and dragged them back by the scruffs of their necks. suffice it to say they never ever thought it would be fun to vandalise cars again.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 12:20, Reply)

the oddest of insults
Scrawled on a low wall on the bike sheds of my old sixth college

"You smell of babba and you eat chips"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 12:05, Reply)

I FOUND THIS. I THINK IT SHOULD WIN THE COMPO
insert picture of Hulk Hogan smashing up Twin Towers.

extra credit for ASCII drawing
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 12:01, 1 reply)

Not proud of this in any way.
Aged 13 i decided it would be hilarious to put half a brick through a randomly selected living room window.

Whilst there was a family sat in the living room watching T.V.

I also found a den made by younger kids in some woods, smashed it up and did a poo inside it.
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 11:42, 4 replies)