in our school vandalism was strictly verboten
anyone caught would be in line for severe punishment. Except, for some reason in Gonk's classroom.
Gonk was on of the maths teachers. He was fat and miserable. He smoked a pipe and wouldn't let us open the windows even during high summer. Why he was called Gonk is a mystery lost to the sands of time, but so ubiquitous was this nickname that it was not uncommon for new kids to unwittingly call him 'Mr Gonk' to his face. He taught in the same classroom for all of his lessons, which was always locked when he wasn't in it.
every surface in in Gonk's classroom was covered in graffiti. EVERY surface. the desks; the chairs; the floor; the walls (even spectacularly the word GONK in 3ft high letters in marker pen on the back wall). All of it proclaimed to the world that 'Gonk is a smelly beekeeper'
For the entire time i was at the school, I never saw anyone actually doing the grafitti, nor was anyone ever punished for it.
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:25, Reply)

joanne
close to my school, someone had written "joanne* is a slag, i've had her"
about 20 people had written uderneath "so have i"

*name changed to protect the slutty
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:24, 9 replies)

Blockbuster Video, Tolworth Broadway, SW London, ca. 1994
...Best piece of vandalism ever.

On the back entrance (lol) there was a letterbox for dropping off watched VHSs after opening hours. This thing was called a 'quick drop'
Underneath the phrase 'quick drop' someone had written "your pants now" and drawn a cartoon of a guy getting bummed by what looked like a man in an overcoat. Pure genius.
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:19, Reply)

Our music practice rooms are really badly designed- they're sold as soundproof but are not.
In a fit of pique, I wrote "I have made this brick 50% more soundproof by writing on it" on the wall.

It's only in pencil, and even the tutors know it's there... but no-one's rubbed it off in two years.

Only vandalism I've ever done.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:13, Reply)

in a pub in hastings recently
i saw a couple of closely-spaced classic items. one- a more traditional 'this chewing gum tastes awful' on the condom machine.

the other- a more personal, or, surreal entry. on the back of the toilet door, eyeball height from a shitting position, in very neat rounded biro handwriting, with impeccable punctuation, read:

Hi Rob!
I hope it goes well.
Cheers.

i love how matter of fact it is.. like posting on someone's facebook wall. plus, you've gotta be pretty sure rob will be taking a shit in the imminent future. only in hastings.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:09, 1 reply)

Pearoast, which is fucking shocking as I've posted about 8 stories.
Another one with alcohol. I am literally a tit, and am probably only posting now as I'm pished.
Chester, UK. Possibly around august 2009. I'd decided to go out with a few old mates from high school, one of whom has a penchant for rediculous hats. I pinched one for the night out as I concluded (apparentlty correctly) that it'd give me immense pulling skills. We eventually wound up in some shitehole goth club (not Rosies, although it did have an upstairs). Whilst getting increasingly hammered I take it upon myself to go in search of "Narnia" and discover the closed bar upstairs. I leap over said bar, in a quest for free alcohol - but find a much greater prize - a fucking tin of black paint! Result! This was like a red rag to a bull in my addled mind. That tin of paint needed fucking opening. Now. I had nothing to hand so I opened it with my teeth, plunged my hand in and wrote my name all over the walls and tables. I then realised if the bouncers found me I'd get my arse (rightfully) kicked, so I legged it out, and ran for hours and hours, taking refuge in chico land (which, as it happened, was about two minutes away). It later transpired that the waitress had seen a guy in a hat daubing his name everywhere, and reported him to the bouncers. Remember my mate who always wears rediculous hats when he goes out? Yeah, he's banned from there now. He has a name very similar to mine, which also didn't help his defence. Sorry, chap.

Apologies for spelling, grammar, lack of intelligible prose, it's 5am, suck the sack.

Length? Six feet high and black.
(brutal stack Raided the beeves of Apollo on, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:04, 5 replies)

The famous museum in Stoke Bruerne
It has one of those brown directional signs on the main road before you reach the village. I don't think that they even bother to replace the painted out "C" in the "Canal Museum" sign anymore.........
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:04, 2 replies)

i doubt i was the only one who did this
on a wall close to my house, someone had written

"FREE NELSON MANDELA!"

underneath i added the words

"WITH EVERY BOX OF CORNFLAKES!"

EDIT: what are the odds? about 20 seconds too late!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:00, 5 replies)

Apartheid - a repost
Cape Town, 1987. My mother and I had just landed at DF Malan airport and had been collected by Dad and were en route to the Rondebosch district of the town travelling along one of the longest and straightest roads I've ever seen.

Either side of the road was flanked by 9 foot high concrete walls, which couldn't be seen over. Behind the walls lay a massive shanty town, which was home to millions of black South Africans, at this point denied the right to vote and subjected to massive unemployment and social problems. Sentiments were understandably frayed. The following slogan was daubed on the wall in three foot high letters:

"FREE NELSON MANDELA!"

Someone had probably risked their life to make such a public statement as it was no trivial act of vandalism. Had the SA Police caught him or her then a life ending beating would have probably ensued.

Clearly, a very brave soul indeed.

However, someone else had come along and arguably exposed themselves to even more danger than the first graffiti artist. They had rolled up to the side of the road and in an act of extreme but foolhardy bravery had added:

"WITH EVERY 20 LITRES"
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:00, Reply)

U2 tribute
in an alley in Hitchin:
"Rocking Roll" and
"I can't see no fighter planes".

I want to get a can of red spray paint, correct the mistakes and give it marks out of ten.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:53, 1 reply)

Another pea but more on topic
From 'Childish things' QOTW

Being part of a convoy of cars delivering a building sites worth of stolen traffic cones to a mate's garden in the middle of the night spelling a rude message on the lawn with them and holding a shopping trolley out of the side of a Suzuki Super Carry at 40 mph then on command releasing the road borne missile down the same mate's driveway.

Being involved in detonating home made TNT substitute (many moons ago to any CIA monitoring this) in various German war bunkers

From 'Shoplifting' QOTW

Traffic island bollards (you know white and yellow, about 3 foot high, blue arrow to tell you which side to drive): fancied one for my place and aware of road works nearby where said items had been spotted waiting to be installed some days earlier. Gather friends, discuss plan: essentially park mark I Ford Fiesta (getaway vehicle of choice for all top villains I believe) round corner and casually walk up grab item and bundle in boot. However, best laid plans and all, as we turn up discover that roadworks are now complete and bollards very much attached to traffic island..."Not to worry chaps, back in a mo'" mutters Rab C and totters off under the bright street lights gathering momentum like a wildebeest crossing the vast savannah until we bear witness to the sight of a fully grown man rugby tackling a traffic bollard removing it completely unscathed from its concrete bed before returning with it and depositing it in the boot of the car all in full sight of passing traffic. Stunned silence followed by uncontrollable laughter followed by nervous drive home followed by parental query as to why part of the tax payers local infrastructure is cluttering up the garage.

Youth is wasted on the young you know.

Edit: In my defence I didn't waste its procurement and using some chipboard, a jigsaw and a piano hinge I did manage to manufacture a rather magnificent drinks cabinet.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:53, 2 replies)

Over ten years ago in Cardiff
Painted on a bridge (one of the Brains ones if you know what I'm talking about) was the simple slogan, "SATANS SYSTEM IS FINISHED".

To this day I wonder if it meant "finished" as in "complete, ready for use" or "beaten, done for, almost destroyed". Two opposing interpretations and I'll never know what the erstwhile artist was trying to tell me.
(nonproffessional, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:49, Reply)

from a previous QOTW

Best Ever Graffitti
On the wall of a foul smelling bog in Kings Cross station was the epithet,
"I'm 9 inches long and 4" round"
Somebody had added with hilarious results,
"are you a ferret?"
Pure class.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:49, 1 reply)

Canal Street
Someones done the sign in Canal Street in Manchester (popular with teh gays) to read Anal Treet.
(WOGAN'S WIG FIXER, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:46, 2 replies)

Unintentional but damaging nonetheless
Pearoast alert.

Coventry, bombs and beer.
The Sir Colin Campbell for those of you that know. I was visiting a mate studying in said city. We made a day of it and chanced into the aforementioned establishment at some point early afternoon feeling a bit peckish. A couple of cheese batches and two four pint pitchers (one cider one lager seeing as you're asking) should do the trick. As we neared the end of our jugs I toodled of to the bogs. When I returned the pub seemed much busier than when I left it. When I casually mentioned this to my mate he said 'That probably has something to do with the fact that you went for a piss two hours ago! Oh, and by the way you have sick all over your trousers and your shoes.' It would appear that I had fallen asleep at the urinals. Upon being woken by a stranger I then found a cubicle and decorated EVERY square inch of it before falling asleep standing up again. Never did get the stains off my shoes.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:46, Reply)

A long time ago, on a bus far, far away (in Bognor)
The sign by the seats at the front had been altered to read "EAT THE ELDERLY AND DISABLED"
(Judgeysan Freakishly small hands, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:44, Reply)

Not so much vandalism... was it?
Did anyone else go through that phase of loosening all the heads of the salt and chilli pots in Pizza Hut?
(libraryboy Cheer up, you could be french!, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:43, 2 replies)

REGENTS CANAL
At the entrance to the canal at Broadway market there are steel letters which once spelled Regents Canal.
Some scamps have nicked the R, E & C to leave GENTS ANAL.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:43, Reply)

Stu the moron
I have previously posted on this forum about my cranially-challenged sometime friend Stu. He once found a marker pen and announced to us all that he was going to vandalise the adventure playground down the road. He disappeared off and we left him to it. We were assured that it would be spectacular and we agreed to meet at the adventure playground the next day. I had watched 'The Life of Brian' for the first time shortly before this whole incident and my 14 year old mind was anticipating a scene reminiscent of that where Brian gets pinched during a cheeky graffiti mission and then forced to write the same slogan over the entire marketplace walls. No. Stu's grand gesture was 'CUNT IS YOU' written four foot up one of the wooden posts of the swings. It's still there 23 years on. I know because I took my own kids there this Summer when visiting the olds.
(mersault, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:33, 1 reply)

I'd like to punch my younger self in the face.
When I was a lot younger, and a little more foolish, I used to visit the local department store loos after school. I'd daub various designs on the pristine white walls, for some inexplicable reason I can't recall. Every few days the store's cleaners would remove my "artwork" and the cycle would repeat. Eventually the store put a coin-operated lock on the men's loo door. For some reason the ladies' loo door didn't get a similar lock on it.

I was never caught, though a friend at school rumbled me. He went to the store one weekend with his mother, and recognised my style from the designs I scrawled inside the desks at school. We had proper school desks, complete with hinged lids and inkwell holders. It was easy to work out if I'd sat at a desk: lift the lid and check for my Rembrandt-beating masterpieces.

Looking back, I cannot for the life of me work out what possessed me to be so inexcusably dim. All I achieved was the frustration of the store's cleaners and management, and the frustration of the store's customers who suddenly had to shell out five pence (this was back in the Eighties) for the privilege of spending one. My juvenile scribblings were hardly on a par with Banksy's.

If I had a time machine I'd go back in time and give my younger self a good hiding, for being so unbelievably fuckwitted.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:30, Reply)

The Washington pub in NW3
I saw that Jeremy Edwards off telly and that in there one night.
In the bog someone had written:

'Jeremy Edwards is a stuck-up toffy-nosed wanka!'

I think he might have done it himself.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:30, Reply)

Simple grafitti wasn't enough for me- oh no, I had to try and be clever.
The men's public toilets in the local park were already covered in all sorts of unsavoury scrawlings but me and my friend Ant found a few inches square free. We decided that we really didn't like the class goody-goody and plotted how to defame him. In Rhyme.

'Please help ******, He's desperate for a wank
You can touch his balls and he'll suck your crank'

If he's still as camp as he was then it could be a case of life imitating art.

NOT one of mine but spotted in a cubucle in Asda in Coventry, someone had at first scrawled 'I suck cocks'. Subsequently someone came in and defaced the defacement so it read 'I sock cooks'.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:29, Reply)

This one made me smile the other day
In Fitzrovia, there's the site of a demolished hospital with fences all the way around. Affixed to these fences are signs for the building company displaying their code of conduct:
1. Care
2. Cleanliness
3. Co-operation
and so on...

some wag has added at the bottom:
6. Alliteration
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:19, 3 replies)

Reversal!
I am reminded by a previous post of a selection of very official looking "Bill posters will be prosecuted" signs on the boarding around a construction site. They were so good that I walked past them for about three days before I noticed they actually said "Prosecutors will be billposted".
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:17, Reply)

Student union toilets
1) Turn off light
2) Remove lightbulb
3) Place a penny on the terminals of the lightbulb
4) Refit lightbulb
5) Leave, with the light still turned off.
6) Drink in the dark, after someone goes to the toilet
(gordonjcp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:13, Reply)

If not already mentioned...
On a temporary wall by a building site in Leeds a few years ago was the somewhat baffling-

"IT IS THE FACE WISH HOW"

In massive letters. No idea what it means.

First post!
( Sculpture of Man Putting a banging donk on it since, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:10, 1 reply)

In the toilets
"Fucking muslim extremists and their beards"

"By the time you read this, I'll be in the future"
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 15:56, Reply)

When I was at school..
in the mid eighties there was a bit of scrawled Graffiti on the lockers at the back of our class room that read Death to Venn haters!

To this day I have no fucking clue what the writer was trying to say...

Was he a boy genius with a liking for 19th century mathematicians and philosophers ,was it a teacher sick of trying to drum graphical representations into thick sculled teens?
who knows. I know that that four word phrase has never left me.
( bane, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 15:53, Reply)

Banksy fail
this is the first Banksy that I'm aware of, circa 1992. It was painted outside the Leicester Polytechnic students union building (now DeMontfort University) and lasted less than 24hrs before it was removed (probably at some expense) by the estates department, the powers that be in that establishment remain blissfully unaware that one of their former students is a major player in the international art world...



the building is still standing, unused and probably worth a fraction of what it might have been.
(AndySpanners not working too hard on, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 15:47, 3 replies)

My favourite

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 15:45, 2 replies)