Both ends burning
I remember having a really dodgy stomach at the age of ten, and waking up in bed with an overwhelming desire to vomit and defacate at the same time.

I rushed to the bathroom as fast as my little legs could carry me, hitched my pyjama bottoms down and squatted over the toilet.

Then to my horror, I realised that my urge to throw up was going to arrive sooner than my need to take a crap.

So frantically, I got up off the toilet, dropped to my knees and leaned over the bowl, puking violently - at the precise moment that the first torrent of vomit came gushing out of my mouth into the toilet bowl, a massive turd the size of a generous salami shot out of my anus with unprecedented force.

It was at that moment that my mother came out of her bedroom to see what all the noise was, only to find me kneeling on the bathroom floor groaning with my pyjama bottoms round the ankles and a freshly steaming shit on the hallway carpet.

I've had better days.
(tricyclic_looper, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 14:45, 5 replies)

damn
you made me snort in the office. people are looking at me strange.


























*i may or may not have also done this at the age of 28.
(Alphabet Soap boshboshboshbosh, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 15:06, closed)

Moments like this
are the reason I keep a large plastic bowl in arm's reach of the bog. Its saved me twice so far.
( evil_andy Stick stick stick stick sticky sticky stick stick, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 15:10, closed)

Beautifully worded
Clicky!
(harrumph, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 17:21, closed)

At least it was a log and not a sloppy poo!

( Bob Todd whee, Sun 10 Jan 2010, 17:09, closed)

I am giggling like a girl
which is OK because I am one, albeit rather old now

*clicks*
(whiskas loved by 8 out of 10 cats, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 19:46, closed)