Smashing the stereotype
Most of the war stories I know are from my dad. But a whole disturbing mess of stories have come from my best friend’s brother. I’m not going to name him. He is a complicated man. Most would dismiss him as a horrible cunt. Many of his stories will offend.

He was always a fighter. Even when were little kids he’d march up to the biggest, meanest fucker around and start swinging. Not to defend people from bullies, or anything noble like that. It was just his nature to attack. “That lad says he’s hard – I’ll smack him.”

He got stronger and stronger, and first put on boxing gloves aged 14. He’s the definitive brawler in the ring – no nous, just swing swing swing until the other guy is unconscious. I’ve been to several of his unlicensed fights, and the intensity is alarming and exhilarating. Afterwards, victorious, he doesn’t remember a thing.

Inevitably, as soon as he hit 16 he joined the army.
In many ways he made the ideal soldier. Pure muscle, relentless energy, utter fearlessness, explosively violent. He won two awards from basic training – best athlete and best marksman. But his greatest assets could also be his worst. He decked a sergeant in week one for shouting in his face. Towards the end of his time in the army he did 80 days in Colchester for breaking his best friend’s jaw. Not too bright. That said, he has a commendation for bravery from Manchester police after knocking out two knifemen who’d slashed a stranger at a bus stop.

His first major posting was to Albania, during the Kosovo conflict, and one story he brought back from there showcased the man in all his stupid, aggressive glory.

On r&r, he’d been wandering about with some mates looking for a drink. They got split up and he ended up in some dive by himself. He started chatting up a woman at the bar (I’ve seen him chat women up – it goes like this: “Fuckin hell. Fuckin hell. I SAY BY HECK LOVE. Look at me BULLET HOLE.” At which points he pulls his trousers down and tears his arse cheeks as far apart as they’ll go. I swear to god, I’ve seen him make his own arsehole bleed by doing this)
I don’t think he’d got to the ‘bullet hole’ line when three huge Albanian men in suits walked over. “Money,” they demanded. “For girl.”
Naturally, he told them to fuck off.
“You talk to girl. That costs money. Pay, now.”

The thing with genuinely hard people is there’s no screaming and threats. Things accelerate from ‘a bit dodgy’ to ‘blood everywhere’ in a heartbeat. That’s why I always feel sorry for people like, well, me, when they get the fuck beaten out of them. Pseudo hardmen do a loud dance, innocently expecting their partner to keep time. Then one day they meet someone like this guy.

Apparently, he knocked out the Albanian nearest to him then grabbed another by the head, which he marched straight through a window. Leaping out of the way of the third fella, he walked backwards trading wild haymakers, and ended up jumping onto a table. The Albanian lunged for his legs – he stepped backwards, wound up, and delivered a merciless full-force kick right into the guy’s chin.

He’s knocked out a lot of people in his life, but he said he’s never seen a man’s eyes go out like that before or since. It was the kind of blow, he said, that you don’t stick around to see what the damage is, because it might ruin your life.
He jumped down, ran outside, stole a bike, and got back to base double time.

Whenever I read a bombastic news story about “Our Boys”, I always think of him out there, alone, pedalling furiously in the dark on a stolen bike, covered in Albanian blood and thinking up new names for his arsehole.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 31 May 2012, 16:01, 4 replies)

God it makes you proud to be British!
Just a shame so many violence loving youth of today can't find their way into the forces and make themselves useful.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 31 May 2012, 18:01, closed)

i have to disagree with this
'The thing with genuinely hard people is there’s no screaming and threats. Things accelerate from ‘a bit dodgy’ to ‘blood everywhere’ in a heartbeat.'

it isn't the domain of the truely hard, just the people with the sense to know when things are going to kick off, that the best thing to do is hit first and hit hard.
/not a genuine hardman blog

nicely written though and the image of a nutter on a stolen bike, i'm picturing a ladies bike with a basket on the front, is great
( real i'm not happy 'til you're not happy, Fri 1 Jun 2012, 4:59, closed)

Fair point
But it's a reasonable assumption that if someone is ranting and raving for ten minutes about all the punches they're going to throw, they probably won't throw any.

CLASSIC INTERNET MOMENT ALERT:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9Dg-ucGarg
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 1 Jun 2012, 9:15, closed)

a classic
and a win in the ongoing battle against loud mouthed scum bags.

btw, i realise i do agree with your point. however, i should have said is it's not exclusive to the genuinely hard.
you're right though, but with one exception:
the ones that make a lot of noise and posture are often too scared to start something and use this screaming as a way of getting it all started.
in my experince, the best thing to do is walk away right away, or smack 'em right away
( real i'm not happy 'til you're not happy, Fri 1 Jun 2012, 16:03, closed)