Why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch?

(Hansdown, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 14:21, 5 replies)

The beginning of the career of a well-known children's tv presenter
and the deaths of:

Yuri Andropov
Konstantin Chernenko
John Paul I
Rudolf Hess

Coincidence?

...
(roysin, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 13:54, 3 replies)

crispiracy!
I know they're probably doing it to be different, but I've always thought it was a little odd that Walkers Cheese and Onion crisps come in a blue packet and Salt and Vinegar come in green.
Everyone knows, salt and vinegar packets are blue, and cheese and onion are green? Right?
(Rocket, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 12:03, 11 replies)

To this day I can't believe anyone else hasn't noticed this
It happened years ago during an o'level physics lesson when the teacher was explaining that acceleration is rate of change of velocity so
a = v^2

At that point I had a flash of inspiration.

if f = ma then E=MC^2 is the same equation!!

That Einstein bloke discovered nothing he just nicked it off Newton and put it in capitals
.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 10:09, 8 replies)

Chocolate Crapper
So Twix/Mars/Topic wrappers started turning up in the toilet cubicles at work, notmally left on the pan just behind the seat hinges. Who would be gross enough to eat chocolate and shit at the same time?

Enquiries revealed that a well-known fat bastard and chocoholic (let's call him James because that is his name), with whom I had previously worked, had got a job down the corridor. James was obviously ashamed of his habit because, a few years previously when we worked in an office 3 minutes' walk from the onsite shop, he used to eat the chocolate before he got back to his desk - if you passed him in the corridor he sort of shrank against the wall and tried not to make eye contact, while chewing furiously.

A casual stakeout failed to catch James in the act of leaving a wrapper-festooned trap but fate intervened. James, and most of his colleagues, were sadly made redundant. On the day they left or were given gardening leave, the chocolate wrappers stopped appearing.

A year later James was seen in the building, having returned for a couple of weeks as a contractor. And so did Mr Twix and Mr Topic. Elementary, my Dr.Crapper.
(rogerzilla, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 8:59, 2 replies)

Hay Barn
In 1996 we sold a barn full of hay and straw, all tied up in big round bales. One of the guys who bought the stuff left his loader tractor at one end of the barn overnight, right next to the stuff . That night for some reason or another the tractor caught fire (whether it was bloody kids, electrical fault or 'ahem' some other reason I will never know ) Anyway, real mystery was that although the tractor itself was a total write-off, a blackened wreck, with all it's tyres burnt out and wiring loom totally fried, the barn itself did not go up with it. The fodder was totally untouched. Believe me, nothing is more inflammable than dry hay or straw, in fact haystacks can go up in smoke due to the hay been baled too soon and getting hot from within. It was just like those pictures you see of cases of "Spontaneous combustion" where the body has all but gone apart from half a leg and a shoe but the rest of the room has been left intact. Really weird.
(Mackeson_drinker, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 7:41, 6 replies)

tracking down the funny
During the nineties I spent a lot of time in airport departure lounges. As a teenager I would often read viz magazine and the like (smut, zit, etc).

On one occasion a copy of viz was bought to see me through a few hours waiting at Glasgow airport (home of the most hilarious terrorist attack in history).

Anyhoo, johnny fartpants was up to his usual and did the sexist was proving yet again how difficult it is being a virgin in Newcastle. So far, so Viz. Then it happened. I read what I consider to be one of the funniest things in existence. I had to stop half way through as I was in tears, snorting and laughing at this fine piece of comedy. Due to my then nomadic existence I eventually lost it. This saddened me greatly as it was, to my mind, so funny I would have liked to revisit it from time to time.

It stayed with me and after being introduced to Google in 2000 I have typed the words "jilly goolden" and "jelly tube train" into Google about once a year in the hope that some kind souls would havevreproduced the article in full.

Only took me a decade of perseverence to find it on a sailing forum no less.

Here is the link but I will put the whole thing on the replies. Enjoy!

forums.sailinganarchy.com/index.php?showtopic=104610&st=25
(last post)
(OTT, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 7:37, 13 replies)

Teletubbies, Boobah, Yo Gabba Gabba, WayBaloo etc.
Who the fuck pays the hundreds of people who are involved in making this shit up? From the writers/child-psychologists/conceptual graphic designers to the crew & the poor bastards jumping around inside the suits - they all belong on the 2nd Golgafrincham Ark Ship.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 15 Oct 2011, 6:55, 2 replies)

Titihood's post below reminds of Transformers the cartoon themetune
I always thought the intro tune had the words 'Transformers in the sky'.

When in actual fact they weren't in the sky at all (besides a few occasions) they spent most of the time on the ground and often 'in disguise'.

So I'm glad that's sorted out now.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 3:46, 4 replies)

Star Wars...
For the longest time I was sure that Luke Skywalker was battling with a light saver. In my mind it was a light saver because used correctly, it could save your life.
At a much later date (okay, I was probably 23 when I figured it out), I laughed at someone for calling it a lightsaber. How that joke turned as it dawned on me that I had been wrong all along.
(titihood, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 3:16, 2 replies)

Bathtub revelations
At around 14-15 years old I was lying in the bathtub, head almost completely submerged, thinking about various topics. For some reason, cavemen came into my head. Cavemen with there crude stone tool. I thought about how it was amazing they learned to use flint to make tools. Stone tools made of flint. Flint. Stones.

HOLY FUCKING HELL! I sat bolt upright, water splashing all over. It had hit me like a brick. The Flinstones were called The Flintstones because they used flint stones.

Later that week I realised the Blue Peter cats had been called Carrie and Oaky. CarrieOaky. Karaoke. Mind = Blown.
(Mong goose, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 3:07, Reply)

The fucking Butler did it!
Twat.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 0:55, 2 replies)

Sweep - A phychopathic paint stripper murderer?
Up until just earlier this year, I had this childhood memory of the Sooty show where they introduce a new character, only for Sweep to burn him to ashes with Matthew Corbett's electric paint stipper. This image of Sweep actually killing another puppet had haunted me for some time, so I had to investigate.

After searching Wikipedia for episodes of The Sooty Show, and Sooty and Co, to no avail, I entered random permutations of words of my memory into Google. With someluck, one of the searches resulted in a Youtube link containing the description "Sweep........this is not a hairdryer, it is my electric paint stripper.? HAHAHAHA". ( www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CvP7sHlIwo ) I immediately remembered this line from the show, and clicked the link. Indeed, Sweep DID kill something, except it was just a toy, and not something that had Corbett's hand up it's arse. This put my mind at rest...

...Except, now I have another similar weird childhood memory. I seem to recall an episode of Through the Keyhole where, when David Frost interviews the guest who'se house we've just seen, the guest used a lot of filthy language. This was a daytime show, where children like me could've been watching. Does anyone know if somebody actually said swear words on this show?
(The Entity Remembered his login details on, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 0:46, 2 replies)

New liver anyone?
I overheard my wife on the phone, explaining to her friend that the new Health Lottery's top prize is an operation. "Yes," she confirmed. "Anything you want - heart transplant, new kidneys..."
(Sod, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 0:45, 3 replies)

Apologies for length in advance
I used to work for a chocolate manufacturer. Yes, *that* one. Late one summer's evening it's past time for home and I'm out on top of a powder silo trying (with help) to get a support frame out of a filter bag. There's forty of them to do. Some of them were sticking. My mate was pulling up on the frame, and I was jamming a big length of metal conduit down into the bag to hold it in place. This worked great for the first thirty nine bags. On the fortieth, and last, the bag was particularly sticky and wet, so when my mate pulled UP on the frame to get it out, I pushed DOWN... and my nine-foot length of metal went straight through the bag and down, out through my fingers and irretrievably into the powder silo.

Fucksocks.

I had to fess up to my clumsiness. The powder got out of there via a twin-screw conveyor, and I was having nightmares about how mangled up that conveyor was going to get, how much damage and lost production I'd be responsible for. I asked all the shift crews to tell me immediately if there was any sign of problems with the unloading conveyor. A day or two goes by, and the silo gets unloaded. No problems. A few more days, another load, no problems. A week, no problems. I'm still paranoid. It never turns up, and there's never any problem. I'm baffled. It's got to be in there somewhere, just waiting to break everything.

A year or two later, the whole plant gets mothballed, and the silo is emptied completely. I've been asking after this thing every two or three days since I dropped it - nope, no sign of it. Eventually, I don breathing apparatus, a miner's lamp and other protective gear, crawl through a small hole and sweep, by hand, every last particle of powder out of that silo. No rod. Over three metres of solid aluminium bar... evaporated.

YEARS later, I get a job elsewhere and hand in my notice. On my last day there, one of the guys takes me to one side, and confides that, in fact, my length of conduit had emerged, mangled, from the conveyor on a night shift about two weeks after I dropped it in, doing no damage whatsoever. Everyone was sworn to secrecy, since I was asking after it every couple of days, and even after the plant was mothballed I still fairly regularly mentioned the mystery of what had happened to it. If I'd carried on working there, nobody would ever have told me. As I was leaving, they decided to put me out of my misery and solve the mystery for me.
(SonofRojBlake, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 0:35, Reply)

Premature nostalgia
I worked out why 'the count' was called that in Sesame Street when I was about 19 and indulging in the early nostalgia phase one day. I referred to him (not remembering his name) as 'the dracula one who used to.....oh....the count'. Kids, don't do nostalgia till you hit your 30's, you'll look like a right knobber.
(badgermonkey007, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 23:21, 1 reply)

why the fuck
do we have to lose those dear to us? i seriousy doubt anyone can answer this without severe cold-hearted logic.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 21:48, 14 replies)

Where did the fruit flies come from?
One day, the kitchen was filled with fruit flies. There was no fruit around in this carnivore's dream pad, however, so it was time to start investigating.

Turned out, at least a year before, someone had tossed a plastic bag full of potatoes on the upper shelf of the kitchen cabinet, and forgotten about them. Being so high, no one had seen the potatoes, or even smelled them, as the seasons passed and as they slowly putrefied. Also turns out that potatoes will eventually liquefy, if given the opportunity to do so. I still remember retrieving that bag from its aerie, with inevitable gut-wrenching spillage. It wasn't until after washing everything down the sink that I thought about the wasted vodka opportunity.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 20:24, 5 replies)

Something I've never seen
A black person with down syndrome or an Asian with a pet dog. Baffling.
(Hansdown, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 19:24, 10 replies)

Somedays when a man lov a dog very very very mush
he do a poo and doggy clens it up insted.
(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 18:23, Reply)

Why is a chicken crosses street?

(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 18:21, 2 replies)

My mate's wife is a godess of guessing film plots
Now, I consider myself quite good at guessing plots, I do need to see a bit of the film before I can start predicting the stories, she just need to see the the actors to correctly guess what is going to happen to them. It can be rather annoying.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 18:07, 2 replies)

Where did it go?
Two of us sat in a friend's bedroom sometime in the eighties; stoned, bored and idly throwing a tennis ball to one another. My mate Neil threw the ball to me - I fumbled the catch and the ball bounced off my leg and rolled off somewhere. I got up to retrieve it, looking around my immediate vicinity. No sign of it. So I began looking under things. No sign of it. Then I started moving things. No sign of it. Then Neil joined in. We looked everywhere, two of us scouring every corner of the room, even places where it surely couldn't possibly have reached, but there was absolutely no trace of the damn thing. At this point we both agreed to call off the search, thinking it was bound to turn up at some point. We sat back down, opposite each other on the floor, and there, equidistant between us was the (bright green) tennis ball sitting there in the middle of the (dark maroon) carpet. Baffled to this day.
(Haywood Manley, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 17:24, 7 replies)

Cyber-security
So the IT department at work has got a company of "legal hackers" to test the security of our website. As web manager, they contacted me to ask precisely where all the admin areas are, which parts of the site are password-protected, and then to supply them with a list of usernames and passwords so that they can access those areas and "test their security".

Perhaps I've missed something, but isn't that completely fucking retarded and ass-backwards?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 17:03, 12 replies)

Our survey says: you're all wrong
Here's something I didn't realise was a mystery, but apparently has stumped most people I've met.

I was in Brazil, and I made some reference to pineapples which got a laugh from the locals. Turns out I was compeletely wrong about how they grew.

So, particularly for the people who DON'T live in tropical countries, how DO pineapples grow?

I thought they grew on trees, like coconuts. Since discovering I was wrong, I've asked lots of people back here in the UK, and with one exception, everyone else thought the same too.

Correct answer in the replies...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 17:03, 12 replies)

I recently went to my local music shop
and told the assistant I would like to buy a keyboard.
He said "analog?"

WTF?! I was like, "no, just the keyboard will be fine thank you".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 16:54, 3 replies)

Fucking magnets
how do they work?
(sailorspoon started wiping his own arse from, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 16:28, 5 replies)

two things.
Firstly, and most importantly, what do blind people, specifically blind from birth, what to they dream of?
Secondly, can you determine the sex of a moth, or butterfly, at the caterpillar stage.
(lordy lordy, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 15:46, 11 replies)