knife_of_justice
Bugger! I thought my tall tale was watertight! Must try harder! I hang my head in shame!
(stusut79, Thu 17 Nov 2005, 9:22, Reply)

teachers...
so many, but i think mr. str0w wins this, hands down.

Lemme paint the pic for you: he was a short, balding, red head. wore shorts no matter what with socks + sandles, had a temper.... and was from newfoundland.

This man would go off the deep end if you so much as breathed the word newfoundland, often using up the entire math class to tell you of what he did "when he was a boy". this was handy to get out of homework. his best moment though, was when he managed to scratch one of his abnormally large veins on his leg-- right through. cue him limping down to the office, blood all through the halls. heard he was okay, but still had to go to the hospital to get it bandaged. i dont think i've ever seen teachers run that fast after someone.
(mayfly, Thu 17 Nov 2005, 0:11, Reply)

just a couple
we had the history teacher who wouldn't teach us history if he didn't like the way we wrote (he subsequently developed a stalker crush on one of the school nurses, went a bit mad and was found wandering round the grounds at 2am stark bollock naked.

there was the maths teacher who wore knee-length shorts all year round, even when he played cricket, he had cricket whites with shorts. he also used to shave the back of his hand up to his wrist.

our french teacher used to write on the blackboard with one hand either down the front or back of his trousers, like he had some kind of itching that needed to be rubbed.

the headmaster was a latin and corporal punishment freak and would throw blackboard rubbers at people who weren't paying attention in his classes. the kind of beatings i and others received wouldn't be tolerated nowadays.

i'm sure there were more but this was 20 years ago and i've pretty much managed to repress the memories.
(squirrelysquirrel, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 23:46, Reply)

Maths Innuendo
My maths teacher in years 9, 10 and 11 was a fantastic teacher, but had an odd tendency to insert innuendos into everything. She made odd fanfare noises when a solution was reached, or sometimes funny squeaks when a difficulty arose. She spent several minutes talking about how mensuration sounds a bit like menstruation but female teachers were not embarrassed by that (we were, though). There are other incidents which I can't remember, but the one that stands out was discussing a question about linear programming.

Linear programming is almost, but not quite as dull as it sounds. Basically it involves plotting inequalities on graphs to determine where the optimum values needed in the question are. Often the questions involve shops having to stock no more than x quantity of something, but no less than y, and no more than 1.5 x the amount of something else. This requires plotting the variables on axes.

The question we discussed was about a chicken farm having to maintain the correct balance of hens and cockerels:

"most of you plotted c on the x axis, but some of you preferred vertical cocks - AS IT WERE"
(Radio Free iPods "Fickt nicht mit dem Raketenmensch!", Wed 16 Nov 2005, 22:33, Reply)

Weird Science
Our old science teacher at high school once made us test his urine with litmus paper. Shudder.
(lucifer_84, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 21:29, Reply)

Reply to Starzy
Mr Murrey! At Hayes?

I thought it was the Unichem logo he claimed to have invented...he was a bit of an odd man.
(Hippychick, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 20:02, Reply)

Putting metal work teacher on a diet
We had a metal work teacher who was a complete ar$e! He would state that tools where missing from his tool cupboard and keep us all in the class during break looking for them. Two minutes before the end of break he would "find" the missing tools (sometimes in his top pcoket)!

After enduring this for a few months we exacted revenge. Every week we would nip into his office when he wasn't watching and nick his lunch box. After a few months of this (supprisingly he never said a thing) we could see the git physically loosing weight!
(frood, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 18:28, Reply)

stusut79
eBay was not around in 1992
(knife_of_justice, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 18:10, Reply)

Inept woodwork teacher
While at school we had a completly inept woodwork teacher (who also may have been a pervert, never confirmed though).

This guy had no idea how to teach the subject as he was a trained art teacher, he also had no idea how to control a class.

This guy actually admited to wiring his 9V battery operated door bell to the mains because he was spending too much on batteries. When he tested the door bell of death he was SUPPRISED when the door bell melted!

The same guy was also reported to drop boxes of paper clips then get down to pick them up while having a good look up the girls skirts.

He also written on the whole clases report cards that we never handed in home work when he NEVER EVER handed out one piece of homework. When some of the pupils complained he craped himself and changed everyones report card.

Total class, I really hope this guy has been sacked since I left!
(frood, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 18:09, Reply)

Mr Mulcahy
An East End loudmouth type who (when any swear words were hurled in his direction) used to say things like... "Bishop, I fucked your mother last night", "I wouldn't eat that packed lunch coz I spunked into it last night" etc...
(makavel1, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 18:03, Reply)

Mr Boyce
..a rather elderly bumstrous buffer whom we would take great amusement from whenever we were in his class..

..one day he had two lodestones? rock-magnetty-type-things which he then passed around the class for someone to separate - obviously no-one could as we were only small

..he then duly separated the rocks and when asked how he did it replied "Sheer brute force son, sheer brute force!"

..was funny at the time..

apologies for the "sheer brute force" *lubes*
(CarolVorderman'sBumTurret, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 17:41, Reply)

Gas
I remember one day my sister came home from school and told us about an incident in her cookery class...

One of the gas rings had been left on, and the teacher could smell gas. So she decided to try and find the source by walking around the room with a lighted match. REEEAAALL sensible.
(therocker, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 17:22, Reply)

Gas Guzzler
I was sat in a science room for the register when the PE teacher Mr. (Windy) Miller walked in, sat down, leant over the bench, wrapped his lips round a gas tap and turned it on. He lifted his head with a suitably pained expression and said 'How can people do that?'
EDIT - nearly forgot, he went on to be Head of 4th Year six months later.

We had a German teacher called Mrs Cropper - we reduced her to attacking pupils in just over two months.
(boukha, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 17:05, Reply)

Mr Western
Used to teach Maths...

He looked like Captin Black from Captin Scarlet... And only moved his bottom lip when he spoke!

He also liked to keep the good boys behind after school and finger them i was once told..... not a nice man!
(dildogaggins is trying to lick ones elbow!, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 16:51, Reply)

wingnutkj
Was she called Mrs. Sharp? We had a woman who came round to us doing all that ta ta tatty ta nonsense. And she had a pen that also had an extendable end to turn it into a conductor's baton. I suspect she may have also used it to perorm backstreet abortions.
(stusut79, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 16:29, Reply)

ta-ta-tatty-ta...
In primary school, we were taught the basics of music by an elderly spinster who travelled around all of the primary schools in the area. The curriculum seemed to be leading up to us being able to play "Merrily We Roll Along" on the recorder after 7 years of teaching. Except the lessons were so dull and she was such an inept teacher that we never managed it.

She did, however, have an interesting approach to teaching rhythm. For what seemed like hours on end, she'd stand at the front of the class, mutter something and get us to tap out a rhythm on the back of our left hand with our right hand while singing the beats, in the forms "ta-ta-tatty-ta", "da-da-daddy-da" or "ba-ba-babby-ba".

The upshot of all this education was that by secondary school, pretty much every schoolkid in my area hated music but was an expert at mocking the handicapped.
(wingnutkj, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 16:03, Reply)

Drunk Teacher
Mr Potts was my 2nd form French teacher - one evening I was in the pub with a few friends when all of a sudden he joined us at the table. He had obviously had a few already as he went into a badly slurred tirade about how a young man with his life ahead of him should 'not be a c**t' and 'focus on his f****ing exams' or he will end up 'either working as a rent boy or a teacher like me'

I was 22 at the time.
(DrTugnut, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 15:39, Reply)

Dunno whether it counts as weird or not
but my (old) history teacher is related to the oldest complete skeleton found in the UK. hurrah!
(piffpuffpickle, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 15:00, Reply)

Four String Demon,
Similar story here, Miss Kitchener appeared in Men Only when i was in year 8. She was my science teacher and i got on really well with her. It was all rumours, even when we had the magazine but in the sixth form, we became friends, i was always down the pub with her and a few other great teachers. One drunken fireworks evening at Alexandra Palace, we shared student/teacher rumours/jokes and i asked her about it, she admitted it was true! It was too late then though, it wasn't that funny aged 17 and we all already fancied her.
But lots of other rumours we created turned out to be true too. Teachers dealing drugs, teachers having sex with students, teacher stealing students car - all true. EDIT- and the teacher who got sent to prison for throwing an item of crockery at a student, breaking her arm (she was actually the wife of the P.E teacher caught in the trampoline room with my economics teacher). What a school we had and what great teachers, i still see them sometimes and catch up. I think all the teachers liked me because i was smart and witty and it pays not to hate them. Otherwise you might not get to lose your virginity to the head of science departments daughter on a ski trip to Andorra, because he trusted me to share with her.
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Wed 16 Nov 2005, 14:53, Reply)

German, Year 10
Talking this question over with my old friends, we have remembered possible of my best memories of my school. We had a great German teacher called Mrs Davies. She was top quality, she even got me drinks on the ski trip. In year 10, we had an extra teacher also. Herr Stegner was his name. He was a German and was with us to finish his training or something. Anyway his English was not the best so one day when Mrs Davies was not helping him he was simply reading out the question number and pupils name for them to answer. We could see where it was going from the numbers and letters of the questions. But it ended up on one of my best mates who had to endure many jokes, still to this day. here is a mini transcript of those 2 minutes:

Herr Stegner: "Magic, I vant gay funf"
Magic: "Die Fledermaus" (or something)
Herr Stegner: "Gareth, I vant gay sex"
Whole Class Laughs So Loud - Gareth Cries
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Wed 16 Nov 2005, 14:40, Reply)

Hmm, lets think...
Mr McLellan, German. He was a right nut, thought it was a good idea to put the most disruptive pupils at the back of the class where they would be even more disruptive. Best was at christmas when he suggested we watched a dvd, went to get a "dvd player" and came back with a CD player. No TV or anything. God knows how he expected that to work.

Frau Troube, German (again). Wierd fat French woman who came to Scotland to teach kids french, but ended up doing German too for some reason. Apparently the year below us made her cry by singing "who ate all the pies?" Pity I wasn't there to see that...
(Graz Da Frog, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 14:20, Reply)

Cystal
Hey, four string demon, was this Cystal? NSFW!!

www.nasty-pages.com/~mf09/g885/
( Blackdogmanguitar is out with Fat Larry's Jazz Band on, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 13:36, Reply)

Mr Murrey
Taught Art, looked like Mr Bean, although not much like Rowan Atkinson.

Smelt Musty and invented the old Unicef logo.

apologies for lack of length, tis cold.
(Starzy had a headache on, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 13:05, Reply)

A difficult choice...
Where to start? Well, at junior school we had a regular supply teacher who used to rest her preposterously large jugs on her desk (she was very elderly, unfortunately). Moving on, senior school was chock-full of them. There was a full-on paedophile who got done for it, one who got caught trying to import porn of the nature that will get you arrested if you try to import it, several alcoholics, two breakdowns that I know of (one of which was largely our fault, admittedly, but the guy was a tool so we didn’t care. He 'went off sick' after Easter in our GCSE year and his replacement realised that he hadn't taught 25% of the course. cheers?!).
Another chap of dubious interests (if anyone remembers the greasy choir master from the vicar of Dibley, I’d swear they were twins) who used to 'accidentally' drop his pen next to girls' desks so that he had to bend down and pick it up (there was also a strong rumour that he'd actually done something rather inappropriate with a 6th form girl), both our art teachers had clearly done some pretty funky stuff in their youth and were permanently in their own little world.
I think that's about it... oh wait, the caretaker from junior school was rumoured to have links to some fairly shady characters, and that his job was a way of looking legit and staying off police radar. oh and the woodwork guys at senior school had a sofa and a stash of page 3 stuff in their wood loft, but somehow nothing was ever done about this, even though we knew the other staff members knew about it. Maybe they had some leverage, who knows? Actually, given the rest of the staff that is pretty likely. oh and I almost forgot the senile biology teacher - we got up to so much in her classes without her noticing, like setting fire to our hands, filling people's pockets with water, making mini flamethrowers using gas taps and syringes, that kind of thing. Anyhoo, one lesson she spilled a shitload of full-on 100% ethanol all over her desk. can you guess what's coming next? That’s right, she lit a match. BIG f-off flames that scorched the ceiling and took all the lovely chocolate brown paint off the desk. priceless.
Right, I think that is about it now, I’ll post some more if I remember them. Given the number above, there’s bound to be some.


So all in all, it's kinda difficult to pick out my weirdest teacher.

(usual length, girth, radius of curvature etc. comment)
(jonh, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 12:47, Reply)

my RE teacher
I once had a religious education substitute teacher who once appeared in mayfair under the name "crystal".

We found out..... :)
we bought in said issue.... :)
she left....... :D

nuff said

x
(Four String Demon, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 12:42, Reply)

One would expect a qualified teacher to have at least one operating braincell but,
An Ex-girlfriend who is a teacher once asked me why weathermen had to work at night:

"Because you don't get weather at night do you? I mean there's no clouds at night or anything?"

I despair for today's youth if she's the rule rather than the exeption.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Wed 16 Nov 2005, 12:30, Reply)