Had my work ethic been functioning properly I would have been travelling on the tube through King's Cross and Liverpool Street on the morning of 07/07/05
However, I thought "fuck it", rolled a spliff and stayed in bed, watching the news for a bit first. I got to the tube station just as they pulled the big metal gates shut, saying something about "explosions on the line", so I went back home, got back into bed, rolled another spliff and turned the news back on.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 Oct 2015, 16:29, 15 replies)

myTunes
In the late 90s I worked for an online music company in California called Liquid Audio - yep, surfing that dotcom bubble! The product was excellent, we'd got agreements with the manufacturers of music players - which were just appearing - to get our format supported, and if digital music actually took off, there was a good chance that we'd be leading the revolution: Liquid was a serious rival to MP3.

But we struggled to get big labels to allow us to put out their headline music acts in our format. Then the dotcom bubble burst, at the beginning of 2001, and the company got into financial trouble. Later that year, iTunes took off, and did exactly what we were doing except with the Apple name to convince the music industry to go with it.

That was the end of it for me: I had to get a proper job. I later saw Liquid Audio described as "The Betamax of Digital Music" - an excellent product that just missed the big time.

Perhaps giving the stock floatation party the title "Future Billionnaires" was a bit optimistic, in retrospect...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 5 Oct 2015, 13:21, 1 reply)

I took the blue pill

( Peej, Mon 5 Oct 2015, 9:04, 3 replies)

albert marshmallow's bedsit dreams

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 4 Oct 2015, 22:23, Reply)

That one where a guy buys a lottery ticket every week.
Then the one week he forgets and his numbers come up.
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sun 4 Oct 2015, 21:22, Reply)

A band that never was
I was in a three piece studio only band named Sephiroth in the early 90s (there are currently six Sephiroths out there a 20 second Google tells me so we may have needed to change the name at some point.) We did a demo and - via a mate who knew a bloke - got it in front of EMI in New York of all places, who gave us the feedback that it was fundamentally good but needed solos and a vocal in the first half of one of the songs (where I forgot to fade up the vocals, whoops. I couldn't afford another top grade C46, I was that skint. It had to do.)

Since we were doing the industrial thing that was quite popular in the early 90s hair metal solos were never on the cards but as it turned out that didn't matter; the two guitarists started getting into some extreme right wing bullshit, including some NF/C18 stuff and the mentalist ramblings of David Irvine, Holocaust denier and all round weapons grade bellend. (Have you ever seen the photocopied leaflets and internal pamphlets/magazines from those groups of the time? Both shockingly hateful and light bendingly dense. They did try to get me interested. Ah, no ta.)

Obviously when this came to light I walked away and left behind the chance to be in a wave of copycat bands in the Ministry/Godflesh vein, probably signed for my soul to a label that signed us so no-one else could as was the standard at the time. Bullet dodged or top grin missed, I'm not sure. I am sure that neo-nazis can go fuck themselves though. Cunts.
( Fathter Puddytat Kill Kill dat widdle boid is mine on, Sun 4 Oct 2015, 18:35, 1 reply)

In which Chickenlady became a celebrity vet
When I was twelve I wanted to be a vet.

If I hadn’t accidentally smashed a glass thermometer, and then followed up by breaking the bowl bit of a stone pestle and mortar, I might not have been banned from taking Chemistry at GCSE. I’d have passed with straight As, or even A*s, then I’d have taken that and Biology, with Maths at A level, and my place to study veterinary science at Edinburgh University would have been confirmed.

During my final year I’d have met and had a passionate affair with Ben Fogle, which he’d never recover from, and he’d always carry a torch for me, even when crossing the Atlantic in a small boat with James Cracknell. Through my connections with Ben I’d have been featured on the BBC vets programme. After an ill-advised mishap with a elephant I’d have been offered my own TV show - a reboot of Animal Magic with me providing all the voices instead of long dead Johnny Morris. It would be such a hit that I’d also end up being offered Kate Humble’s job on Autumn and Spring Watch, and Bill Oddie and Chris Packham would have had a punch up in the BBC canteen over who got to ask me to the next awards do.

I’d have had a small guest spot on Animal Hospital with Rolf Harris which would have resulted in me becoming good friends with him and his wife, before any of the Yewtree news broke. I’d have liked Rolf because of Cartoon Time, but it wouldn’t last. At a formal dinner party in his London home Rolf would have turned to me and whispered, ‘Can you tell what it is yet?’ then looked purposely down into his crotch where his Digereedoo would be on show. I’d look away and begin to talk to Dave Lee Travis, who would be sitting on my other side. The Hairy Cornflake would offer to take me away from all of this and play ‘Our Tune’ for me alone, every morning. At that point I’d realise that this was just all too awkward, so I’d make my excuses and leave.

On returning home I’d find Alan Sugar on my doorstep waiting to beg me to join the Apprentice team in Margaret’s spot. I’d have accepted because my veterinary skills would be the ideal twist for the show - I’d be able to give a well aimed boot up the arse to the swaggering young Turks who falsify their CVs claiming to be CEOs of big businesses when actually they own a minicab. The Apprentice would grow to new heights of popularity, and I’d end up having an affair with one of the contestants - a Ben Fogle lookalike. But then the affair would come to an abrupt end one night…

I’d come home from a hard day in the surgery where I’d been expressing a number of dogs’ blocked anal glands, I’d be ready for a large glass of red wine and a foot massage from my Ben Fogle lookalike, but instead I’d discover him in bed with KATIE HOPKINS.

I’d grab my vet bag, find the vial of meds given to dogs when they have to go and ‘live on a farm because they’re tired and poorly’, everyone knows this is the best place for old dogs. They only need the little injection for the journey, a nice short sleep.

I’d have injected Hopkins while she gave Apprentice hopeful Ben Fogle lookalike a sloppy blowjob. She’d have gone quietly, with her mouth full. And I’d have ended up in prison for six months with my celebrity vet career in tatters.

Damn my twelve year old clumsy hands for smashing that bloody thermometer.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 4 Oct 2015, 17:56, 12 replies)

That picture of dogs in tights!

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 4 Oct 2015, 17:23, Reply)

Yes.

( Zuowan, Sun 4 Oct 2015, 17:23, 3 replies)

if i hadn't fallen off the stage pissed
and been thrown out of the nightclub, i would have been with my mate when she got mugged.
lucky escape, i think.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 4 Oct 2015, 16:01, Reply)

I bought some new jeans yesterday
If I hadn't bought them, I wouldn't have new jeans right now. Really makes you think.
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Sun 4 Oct 2015, 11:24, 4 replies)

Before Microsoft moved to Seattle they were headquartered in Albuquerque
My hometown. It would have been simplicity itself to walk to their facility, offer to clean their loos, bought some stock, and become a zillionaire.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sun 4 Oct 2015, 8:41, 2 replies)

A Letter from Auntie Beeb
Length.

So there I was, sitting in a lounge in Heathrow, when the new and novel S55 in my pocket chriped to life revealing that 'Maw and Paw' wanted a word.

Fuckadoodlespirograph.

If the titular Mathers and Fothers were calling a mobile phone back in the day then someone had died. 35p a minute? To speak to someone? I'd already decided that God was related to The Lurkers of Scotland and had promptly fucked off to visit Valhara for the weekend and not left a note.

Dramatic postulating aside, it turned out that there was a letter for me. From Mr and Mrs BBC. Offering me an interview for a traineeship with Radio 1. Back when Radio 1 was just-after good, well, Mark and Lard had left.

Well mon b3tans, this was going to be the start of the career. My four years experience in studio radio was surely going to get me producing the Breakfast Show in a matter of weeks, I was a certainty for the job in my head. "Tell me Mother dearest, when is this interview and the start of my perfect life?"

Oh.

I'll phone them, I've another twelve months of battery life left.

The interview was supposed to be when I would be on holiday in Boston, and the furtherest they could push it was three days later - New York.

"I'll be back, in London, the next next day."
-"We can't change the whole schedule for your holiday"
"But.."
-"No Buts"
"How about.."
-"I said no buts"
"That joke only sorta works read out loud."

I was reliably informed that the interview could not be moved and I was to think very carefully about what I was to do. Come back early at great expense, or miss out. "Have a think and call back" she said.

A stiff drink and a bit of a think led me to the conclusion "If I can get one interview, I can get another." Right? RIGHT?

Having spent the last thirteen years scrabbling away at the industry and making friends over the wall at the hallowed BBC I have been informed that my stories are far too long and full of unnecessary prose, and that Auntie Beeb holds a grudge. Literally a black mark against my name. Turn us down would you? Fuck you. No job for you kid.

Guess who did get that job? Aled Jones. The intern turned producer of the Chris Moyles Show.

It could've been me. Thank fuck it wasn't.
( The Lurker Plenty One, Sat 3 Oct 2015, 14:08, 10 replies)

I puked up a tiny bit of my fried breakfast and had another go on it which made me exclaim: what! cud half (baked) bean

( broadsword w⚓, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 21:17, 2 replies)

Shall I do a genuine one?
Working in an IT-networky-type company, mid-90s, tech shares were like licenses to print money. I had 15,000 share options at 1.50 a share. The current price was 48.50, meaning I had a total of around 700,000 (dollars) just sitting there waiting to be exercised. The price had been going up like a rocket all week. In the end I phoned the company broker in the US and told him to sell everything when it hit 50 dollars a share. Went home, drank champagne, went to bed.

Next morning, the price is 39.00 a share. The peak was 49.75. I still had all my options. Then several board members were investigated for fraud. Never saw a penny. Still broke. But not bitter, it's just that all IT company directors are cunts.
(yesyesyes, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 17:38, Reply)

I could have been a wifelet
Got chatted up by a weirdy beardy.
Turned him down as he wasn't my type.
Was then told it was Lord Bath, the Loins of Longleat.
I could have been wifelet number 65 or whatever number it was up to then.
lucky escape.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 17:29, 4 replies)

Staying in to watch Twin Peaks with GF...
...or going to see Nirvana at a small venue just before they broke big? Not exactly life changing, but if I ever bump into David Lynch the surreal cunt is getting a slap.
(Tugnut I got them all..., Fri 2 Oct 2015, 17:28, 1 reply)

I was learning java and web development all the way back in the space year 2000. I put together a simple website where users could register. Once logged on, they could send messages to other users. If the user was given 'friend' status then they could also share image files with one another, and it was also possible to broadcast messages to all other friends at once.

In the end I decided it was less useful than email, and deleted my project.
(chutneyweasel, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 14:20, Reply)

this could have won last week's qotw but the mods deleted it

(AEthelfrith of Bernicia, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 12:02, 7 replies)

I turned down the chance to be top mod of popular b3ta message board QOTW
I bet if I was in charge people would take this place seriously and post good stories like they used to.
( Peej, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 10:38, 4 replies)

I was once offered a job in Stevenage.
I turned it down as it was in fucking Stevenage.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 9:33, 6 replies)

I like turtles

( $$ ✅, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 9:21, 2 replies)

something something, "on the waterfront"

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 9:13, Reply)

If I'd have lived my life completely differently up to this point then I might not be a total curmudgeon.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 9:11, Reply)

I got married almost 11 years ago
If I hadn't got married, I probably wouldn't be married right now. Really makes you think.
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 8:59, 3 replies)

I could have been getting got away with it if it hadn't been being for those pesky kidses.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 8:52, Reply)

Nah

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 8:40, Reply)

No.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 8:38, Reply)

I was offered the opportunity to reply to this question first, but I turned it down and let MEATSNAKE take all of the glory.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 8:38, Reply)

First

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 2 Oct 2015, 8:34, Reply)