I was working in a little town in north China in the 90s
...and was in a nightclub. Fantastic place, as big as an aeroplane hangar, packed with happy, friendly people and with ice-cold beer at about 20p a litre. Heaven.

When you paid to go in, you were given a ticket with a number on it. Near the end of the night, a little mini-skirted Chinese girl went on stage with a board, and held up a number. Everyone in the club started looking at their entrance tickets, so I did too, and Bugger Me! it was my number!

I put my hand up, the girl beckoned me on the stage. Since I was probably the only western face in the city (and certainly the only lanky Brit in the club), this caused a bit of interest.

The girl presented me with my prize - a Yamaha VCD player (popular there at that time), asked me a question in Chinese and stuck the microphone under my nose. I only knew two Chinese phrases so I tried the first: "Ni hao" (Hello).

It got a massive Chinese lol. She said something else, so I tried my second phrase: "Ta shi wo de yu san" (That is my umbrella).

Uproar.

I went home then and everyone pointed at me saying "umbrella" in Chinese and laughing.
(Super Jet Shoes, Sat 30 Apr 2011, 5:43, 9 replies)

Ha ha!
Nice work!
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sat 30 Apr 2011, 8:17, closed)

This should win the winning winner winningness

(McChinaman banned, Sat 30 Apr 2011, 10:51, closed)

This might actually be better than a Darth Vader cake.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 30 Apr 2011, 11:18, closed)

I love this.
*click*

Why on Earth was your second Chinese phrase "That is my umbrella"?
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Sat 30 Apr 2011, 12:46, closed)

Umbrellas are VERY IMPORTANT.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 30 Apr 2011, 12:52, closed)

Sometimes you retain pointless information
I studied German for 3 years at school and to this day (apart from the obvious pleasentries like my name/age/where I live) the only 2 sentances I can say in German are:
Wo ist der speigle - where is the mirror?
and
Hast du eine kanninchen - have you got a rabbit?

Although having said that I think I'm fully prepared for a trip to Germany and see no need to learn anything else as I am British and I can just point and talk louder - thats kind of the same as taking the time and effort to learn about other peoples language and culture anyway.
Fucking foreigners.
(Figmaus, Sat 30 Apr 2011, 13:02, closed)

Just about the only German I can remember is Ich habe ein Lenkrad bis meinen Arsch.

Or, in English, I have a steering wheel up my ass.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 30 Apr 2011, 14:22, closed)

The only thing I can say in Finnish is "I want to fuck you in the restaurant"

( Zuowan, Sat 30 Apr 2011, 16:06, closed)

Very funny :)
My wife is Polish and although my 3 year old can speak it fluently all I've managed to learn are useless phrases such as "you have a lovely garden"...
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Sun 1 May 2011, 19:51, closed)