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This is a question Worst Record Ever

What's your worst record ever? And why? Most amusing reasons and tracks will be played on Friday's B3ta Radio Show.

(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 17:26)
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This question is now closed.

Definately DJ Otzi
"Hey Baby" mostly because I live in Newcastle next to the "party centre" that is the infamous Bigg Market, drunken idiots walk past my block on their way home or to buy a kebab or whatever and every sodding time some fool starts singing it... and then all the other knuckle-dragging buffoons join in! It really begins to grate on me, I worry for my sanity.

And while I'm on the subject quoting "Bo Selecta" i.e. walking past my flat whilst
shouting at the top of your voice
"EEEEEEEEEEHEEEEEEEEEE SHAMBO" is
neither big nor clever. It's old, it's
annoying, it's crap. Just stop it.

AND as I live next to the local newspaper,
everyone thinks it's funny to impersonate
a newspaper seller when they see the entrance
to the offices.

*rocks back and forth*

EDIT: Sorry, I went off on one there :)
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 18:05, Reply)
I put my hands up 4000 chickens' arses a day
whilst working in a chicken factory at age 17.
I was in the "gibbing" department. Which meant I stood in a room about 10 feet by 10 feet watching a pulley system of upside-down chickens (dead and plucked) swing past me.
Actually, i did more than watch them. I inserted my fist into each one in turn and left behind a small bag of giblets. Not their own original giblets either. Some other chicken's giblets that probably smoked 30 benson a day.
The only entertainment if you could call it that, was a small tanoy-style speaker hanging off a couple of wires in one of the room's top corners.
Radio one. All fucking day. So take your pick... the charts at the time contained the following songs, and as a result, were all played about FORTY FUCKING TIMES A DAY:

Your Gorgeous - Baby Bird
Wannabe - Spice Girls

So these two are the main culprits, but there was some random song by dodgy that i cant remember the name of but definately know the SOUND OF because, like the others, it brings back memories of being elbow-deep in giblets. I can see them now... :( all swinging by in unison... like a headless chorus line of giblet-hungry dancers. *if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends... la la la gibber*

i once lost a entire thumbnail inside one of them. ahh so that's why the plaster's blue.

(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 23:11, Reply)
imagine - john lennon
I played drums in my primary school band and our teacher, a fairly big lennon fan, made us play this.

unfortunately, we were quite good - as far as primary school bands go - and kept winning competitions and that.

as a result, I must have played imagine about a dozen times a day, five days a week, for something close to two years.

of course, all that wouldn't have been so bad if it weren't for the fact that imagine was a load of trite, mawkish, shite to begin with.

I hate it to this day and, if there was ever justification for shooting a man, that song is it.

also ...

the lighthouse family, m people or dido because it's all music for people who don't actually like music.
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 22:36, Reply)
I borrow my sister's car a lot,
but it has no CD player in it, therefore I tend to listen to whatever is on the Radio - sometimes I sing along if it's a nice tune.

A couple of months ago while driving through Edinburgh I had the window rolled down as it was a nice day - I stopped at a set of traffic lights and noticed a rather attractive girl walking along the pavement, looking directly at me.

At first I thought, "Woo - my animal magnetism is drawing her to me", then I realised I was singing rather loudly to 'More than Words' by Extreme. She was simply looking at me with pity and disgust.

I hate that song now.
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 21:32, Reply)
Without doubt
The atrocity Lady in Red by Chris de Burgh. The reason is a little involved.

Following a misunderstanding in Bridgend I spent the night in the police cells. In one of the other cells was a drunken welsh watermelon-knuckle who spent *all bloody night* singing the lady in bastard red.

That wouldn't have been so bad, but he knew about one line from the chorus. The night proceeded along the lines of "The laaaayyy in reeeddddd.... isss dannnciiinnnn... nerrrr nerrr nerrr.... laaa laaa laaa. (pause) The laaayyyy innnn reeedddddd...."

Eight. Hours. Non. Stop.

I have never, ever, before or since, hated a person so much in my entire life. If I *ever* see Chris de Burgh, I promise faithfully that I will slaughter him or die in the attempt.

That is all.
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 20:51, Reply)
any of the 3 "christmas" tunes they always wheel out at this time of year...
1) Wizzard - I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday
2) Slade - Merry Christmas Everybody
3) Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Time
WHY???? EVERY SINGLE F*CKING YEAR!!!!! is there no other christmas related music and every radio station / shopping mall has to resort to tunes that have been played for 30 years?
it gets to about september, summer has barely finished and inevitably it starts. these same tunes OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! by the time christmas actually comes around i just want to slash my wrists i am so sick of it - and its because if these 3 tunes!
i blame the fact i worked in a department store over christmas, who had them on a tape which looped every 40 minutes (interspersed with, amongst other things, a reggae version of "little town of bethlehem") and have never gotten over the trauma.
that is why this year i am spending my christmas in morocco - hopefully a country that is 98% muslim will never have heard of shit 70's glam rock.
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:17, Reply)
All that she wants
Ace of Base

I remember on a French exchange when i was about 13, it was really popular. We had this french/english disco, and it seemed that every time i asked a French girl to dance and got rejected, the DJ instinctively knew to play this tune. I heard it at least four times that night...

"Voulez-vous dancer avec moi?"
"Non!"
"All that she wants... is another baby..doo doo doo"
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:07, Reply)
Top bloody Loader's 'Dancing in the the Moonlight'
God how much i despise that curly haired blonde alan davies wannabe and his spacker band.

Dancing in the bloody moonlight, oh it is played everywhere. EVERYWHERE. It is such a false 'every one's having a great time together' song. Now i'm not a miserable git, but it just rubs me the wrong way. Maybe its 'cause I think they ripped it off the brillant Springsteen anthem 'Dancing in the Dark'.

But it's probably cause it's linked to that FAT TONGUED WINDOWLICKER Jamie bloody Oliver and his shameful sainsbury's bumming.

And the melody is soooo infectious that you end up singing it to yourself for an hour or two afterwards. I HAVE BECOME THE THING I HATE AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:07, Reply)
Sadly this is one I was involved in.....
.. a friend of mine (Raymond) wrote a 'world cup song'. He was a keen composer but, strangely this one got picked up by a record company. Long story short... we are Scottish, this was Italy (1990 ?) and it was a 'Scottish' world cup song. I sang on this, and it was released as a single. Apparently Radio 1 played it for about 20 seconds then pulled the plug. Thing is they overdubbed the main lyrics with Andy Stewart. This was not long after 'Donald where's your troosers' was re-released and the record company didn't know what to do with Andy.. He was on his death bed when he recorded the lyrics to this.... apparently quite literally..
I currently have a copy of the single sitting on my lap after a rummage in my record collection... sorry this is a longish post but here's the last verse (printed on the back of the sleeve)...

I'm a Sassenach goal-keeper out in hot Sardinia
I've stuffed myself with pizza and it's put me off my beer
And now I've watched our full back put his pass back in the goal
You can hear the shout "England's out" I'll soon be on the dole.

It brings back frightening memories... however.. I got paid more than anyone should have for this. Forgive me.

Did I mention that this is fucking appalling and hugely embarrassing....?

EDIT : This track was 'Scotland Scotland' by Rabble F.C. Sadly I have no means of recording it from vinyl, I can smell your disappointment.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 2:27, Reply)
Carpenters Gold
Mrs Duck owns Carpenters Gold, a collection of the most heinous crimes against music ever committed to vinyl. Never before or since have so many sugar-coated sentimental and downright irritating "songs" ever been recorded by a bother sister act in foul evening dress.

Days spent listening to this tripe are invaribly followed by evenings of hooting laughter and nights spent, in agony, on the couch. I can't help it. If the inanity of the tunes don't get you, the trite lyrics will, and you're not even halfway through this supposedly heart-felt collection of this easy-listening hell before you are on the floor, rocking and rolling in laughter.

But it's all just a build-up to the big finish, to whit "Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft", surely the worst song ever written in the history of modern civilisation (and good grief we're including the collected works of Phil Collins here) with the most unintentionally hilarious lyrics ever dribbled from anus to paper via the studio toilet bowl.

As far as I can tell, the only use this CD has would be to play repeatedly to child murderers and sex offenders by way of brain-melting torture; and even then, the United Nations may have something to say about it.

Aural vomit. That is all.

Edit: Just don't get me started on the wedding disco hell that is "Love Shack" by the B-52's. There may be deaths.
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 20:06, Reply)
Run your fingernails down a chalkboard.... good.... now pull them all off.
Having just been let go from a job where I was forced to endure eight hours of 'contemporary adult' radio every work day for the last fifteen months, I have managed to build up a terrifyingly high tolerance to crap music. Were I to become a superhero, I know without hesitation that this would be my superpower.

My kryptonite is Katrina and the Waves, "Walking On Sunshine". It's so damn perky it makes me want to vomit. Blood. And possibly some entrails too. And without fail some clueless dj will play it at a club because it was included on the 'best of the 80s' comp cd he bought last week. It makes me think of makeover montages in movies, training montages in movies, and dating-and-falling-in-love montages in movies. It makes me think of Jennifer Aniston and Tom Hanks. Possibly having sex. Who knows. I'm too busy vomiting blood and entrails to notice. God how I hate that song.
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:38, Reply)
The Proclaimers- 500 Miles
I would gladly crawl 500 miles through hot tar to escape this piece of musical granny porn.

And am I the only one who thinks "I know they're brothers, but I bet there's nothing they like more than to bum the hell out of each other after every show."?
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 15:09, Reply)
American Pie, by Don McLean
I used to DJ at one of our university's students-get-pissed-and-cop-off nights. The regulars always requested it, about ten times a night, and we always had to play it. It was the night's No.1 cheezy anthem.
The tone-deaf morons who usually swayed around whilst it was playing, in big "besht-mate" circles, occasionally got a little rowdy. On the last night I played it out, one of these drunken gangs bounced onto the lovely beer stained drapes, and pulled the suspended ceiling down, light fittings and all, on everybody's heads.
No-one died, but it was a close thing.
It's a godawful song, maybe not quite as bad, in absolute terms, as "Lady in Red", but then no-one ever threatened to hit me for not playing Chris De Burgh. I gave up being a DJ after university. And no I haven't got any fucking ABBA.
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 19:55, Reply)
My least favourite record...
... is "this town" by the specials. Everytime i hear it it takes me back to the time that i went out with some mates to a restaurant where we knew the waitresses, all the wine was free and we had a couple of bottles each and some crappy thin crust pizzas that cost us about a tenner each, after a while i felt ill... very ill and had to run to the bathroom before i threw up all over the table, i made it to the toilet just in time and i was violently sick... now i am no stranger to being sick when i have a drink (infact i see it as a sign of a good night out) but this was a bad one. I simply could not stop throwing up and so decided i would be best off outside, i stumbled downstairs, past my friends at our table and out the door where i threw up all over the front step, the management obviously noticed and we had to leave (not before he made us pay for the wine though). My mates decided that a taxi was not safe as i was still throwing up (over some railings in the middle of a traffic island now) and so my girlfriend at the time was called to pick me up. She was at a party herself and was not impressed by my inability to hold my drink but came to pick me up anyway. I sat in the passenger seat with my head out of the window (still throwing up, i have no idea where the actual quantity of liquid was coming from) but the breeze on my face was aiding my recovery. I had regained some consciousness when i noticed that the angle of my head was causing my vomit to hit the window of the passengers behind me (people from the party that my girlfriend was at that i didn't know and one mate who wanted to see me home ok) giving them a full view of everything i was chucking up, i leant out further and snapped the knob of the car lock clean off (i later tried to superglue it back on which didn't work) and so i came back inside. The vomiting subsided for a minute and i thought some music would help, i clicked on the radio and the specials came on, and the music seemed to coinside with the dreaded "spins" (you know that feeling you get when alcohol takes a full grip on your body and the world decides to spin faster just to make you feel worse?) The vomiting continued.... only inside the car!

My hate of this song is so bad that i can't watch the scene in Snatch when it is playin in the background and i was sick the other day when it featured in an advert... beat that!
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 23:23, Reply)
Imagine - John Lennon
It inexplicably always wins these wretched "best song ever" polls, which really only goes to show that the public love pretentious tree-hugging hippy crap. That's not why I hate it though.

No, the reason I hate it is the breathtaking hypocrisy of Lennon sitting at his huge piano in a huge room in his huge house and singing
"Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can..."
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 12:18, Reply)
Celine Dion
My Heart will go on (or whatever it was called)
Shit film
Shit song
enough said.
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 20:55, Reply)
Bryan Adams
"Everything I do (I do it for you)"

I was a student when this came out (in the spring?). I buggered off home for the summer. And came back. And it was still cranberrying number one. WHY, IN THE NAME OF FUCKING WATERMELON?
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 18:28, Reply)
I realise that I may come in for some flak here but
"Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen. Obviously everything Queen have ever done has been fucking shit, but BR shines out as a record which I feel is unjustifiable on any level.
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 17:56, Reply)
Worst song ever
The Fast Food rockers, agony for my ears.

'McDonalds, McDonalds
Kentucky fried chicken
and a pizza hut'

And to top it all off they wear hats with plastic burgers on top
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 17:46, Reply)
i bought that 'one week' single by
the bare naked. i don't know what the fuck i was on.
when i realised my mistake i burnt the cd in the oven. it smelt really bad.
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 17:36, Reply)
Saddest childrens song ever?
If you want to mentally scar your children forever play them this from Captain Beaky Volume 2:

Nearly Four
Jeremy Lloyd

A teddy bear sits on a mattress,
One glass eye and threadbare paw
Looking at a cuckoo clock
Which tells it's nearly ten to four

Four O'clock is Teddy's tea time,
Lots of friends and fancy cake
Although it's only pretend eating,
Oh how long ten minutes take!

Shadows grow on distant hillside,
Orange sun on glassy sea
All in his amber eye reflected
And still ten minutes left 'till tea

The mattress striped is old and broken
Rusty springs through stuffing show
The cuckoo clock is also broken
But how's a Teddy s'posed to know?

Unaware he's been abandoned,
That this is not the nursery cot,
The hills and sea just glass, old papers
On a disused rubbish plot

A telephone that noone answers,
Empty tins that once held tea,
The clock that still says nearly tea time,
Where can all the children be?

For ages now he's lain unwanted,
Saluting with a threadbare paw
He'll never know he's been discarded
'Till the clock reads after four

Don't tell him that the clock is broken
As long as Teddy doesn't know,
It will always soon be tea time,
As it was so long ago

For the guilt complex alone, this song should be given a Caution: Parentary Advisory sticker. Eminem Schmeminem
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 18:09, Reply)
Lady in Red
The lyrics "I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight" stoke up such a rage in me, it's takes everything in my power not to look up where DeBurgh is playing, flying there and smashing a shovel into his face on stage.

Every single insipid word from the short arse monobrow'd spunkmonger makes the acid in my stomach bubble to boiling point.

I want his head on a stick, so I can fashion some sort of repugnant glove puppet.

Just when you think it couldn't possibly get any worse , he says "Looking for a little romarrrrrnce", what the f*ck is romarrrrnce Christopher. Do the world a favour, burn the rights to the song, then throw a f*cking toaster in you bath.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 16:38, Reply)
Dancing in the Moonlight
by Toploader.
There's only two lines in it as far as I can tell.
And they're both shit. Spend some time on the lyrics boys. zeppelin.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 14:15, Reply)
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,
by Cyndi Lauper.
Why? Because it is an appalling, appalling song that somehow has become a girly anthem.
I distinctly remember the rush of women that all thundered to the dance floor when this song was played at Millionares Nightclub in Redhill.
The tune, the lyrics, Cyndi Lauper, all of it, shit, shit, shit.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 10:40, Reply)
That bloody 'Enterprise' song...
...that's always on at 7.00pm on a Sunday on Channel 4. My housemate Bruce insists on singing along to it every week with out fail when he takes over the living room TV. The songs not necessarily that bad, but it goes on for the entire duration of the opening credits - "I've got faith....of the heart..." and so on. He sounds like a spacker strapped in the back seat of a bus crying out for an ice cream. It is that bad. Actually, that's not a proper record, but it is the worst noise I've ever heard.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 10:26, Reply)
Easy
Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You and Bobby Brown - 2 Can Play That Game.

During my year out I ended up working in the dullest job ever, packing baby wipes. It was boring, repetative, repetative and boring. The shifts were 12 hours long, and mostly at night (because the wages were slightly higher). I was there as a temp, but there were a fair few there who made a living out of this job. This meant that they had control over the radio, and all they'd ever listen to was Radio City, Liverpool's local commercial radio station. I swear they only had six records in total, two of which were the offending articles mentioned previously. This was long before the days of "No Repeat Wednesdays" and the like. They played the above virtually every third song. OK Ms Houston's got a good voice, but this song was just there to show off her range - no passion in it whatsoever. It officially became my worst song ever some time during the summer. I'd been suffering from a lack of daylight, due to the nightshifts. Whitney's voice blasted and wailed from the speaker and I sat down and just cried in front of everyone. Literally. Quite possibly the most honest outpour of emotion I've ever had in public!
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 0:39, Reply)
Come on Eileen

Weddings, office parties, you know the score.. the drunken rabble who've sat in the corner suddenly hear it, and something stirs in their tiny primative minds..

Go toora loora toora loo rye aye
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I'd go on, but my brain is being seized by horrific flashbacks and it's giving me a headache

GARRRGGGGHHH
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 21:56, Reply)
hmmmm
I won a tape of New Kids on the Block - trying to relaunch themselves as NKOTB. Song was called 'Dirty Dawg' The lyrics are:
"Dog, dirty dog
dog, dirty dog
dog, dirty dog
you're oh so dirty"
Complete with samples of dogs barking. The DJ gave it to me as a prize for being the best dancer at my primary school disco. To avoid getting any more shit tapes I have never danced again.
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 21:20, Reply)
Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood
I lost a girlfriend from listening to this record.

It made me ponder my sexuality.
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 18:01, Reply)
Freed From Desire - Gala
I had a real problem with the lyrics:

"My love has got no money He's got his strong beliefs
"My love has got no power He's got his strong beliefs"

How can someone be so tragically naive to believe this bullshit?

The lover is question is clearly a sponger.

Oh and Gala danced like a spacker on Top Of The Pops.
(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 17:42, Reply)

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