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This is a question "You're doing it wrong"

Chthonic confesses: "Only last year did I discover why the lids of things in tubes have a recessed pointy bit built into them." Tell us about the facepalm moment when you realised you were doing something wrong.

(, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 13:23)
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This bloke is definately doing it wrong
Slightly influenced by Grinner's earlier post about "flying ants" i decided to Google the subject and found this gem from the BBC website dated 2008.. news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7525028.stm

I don't expect you to read it all but there is this in there "Tom Fayle, who is completing a PHD on ants at Cambridge..." it then goes on to quote him as saying something but i couldn't get past the whole completing a PHD on ants at Cambridge

Who the fuck goes to university to get into thousands of pounds worth of debt to study ants?

oh bollocks. It's you isn't it Grinner?
(, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:32, 15 replies)
Getting privacy wrong
Slightly off-topic, but what the hell. I'm guessing a large number of us have seen the news about the Pervo-ScansTM being used in airports these days. These things annoy me quite a lot, which is quite silly considering I fly about as regularly as Father Jack is sober.

But I've hit on an idea- for us men, at least, as a small (fnarr) means of protest. By ensuring you have a diamond-tipped massive lob-on when you're in the scanning machine.

**Edited for waxdart who was querying terminology used for states of arousal in men**
(, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 11:58, 33 replies)
Ice cream
the correct way to eat ice-cream is a couple of scoops in a dish. The wrong way is to not bother with the bowl and just get the tub from the freezer and steadily work at it with a small spoon until you suddenly realise you've eaten nearly half a litre plus all the sauce and toffee bits off the top and wondering why you feel ill.
(, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 11:46, 9 replies)
I only realised recently
that I'd been pronouncing epitome and awry wrong
(, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 11:35, 11 replies)
One of my finer moments
I can’t remember exactly how it came into my possession, but at one time I owned a novelty green glow in the dark condom with a mouses head on the end.

One night I decided I’d give the soon to be lovely Mrs Ring of Fire a bit of a laugh by placing the thing on my engorged member and dancing around the darkened bedroom. The effect was that of a miniature light sabre frantically lashing out at unseen enemies and we had a laugh.

Must admit it wasn’t the easiest thing to get on. It was thick latex completely un-lubricated, a fact that became only too apparent when I tried to remove the wee fella. The fucker had welded it’s self to my skin. Pulling the end hurt, trying to roll it off hurt. As my ardour receded and my little soldier stood at ease I thought my problems were over, but no if anything the soft wrinkled skin seemed to grip the sticky rubber even more. Water, soap, extreme painful tugging, nothing would shift it.

Still, my plight was nothing compared to that of the soon to be lovely Mrs Ring of Fire. She was laughing so hard she was in danger of death from suffocation. Poor little petal.

“Why don’t you piss it off” she managed to gasp.

Off I trotted to the bathroom and kneeling in the bath I started to piss. Slowly at first, then more quickly the rubber and skin parted company until, with a hot gush of liquid over my lower half I was free.

I was soon back in bed, thoroughly deflated and feeling a little sorry for my self. Things got worse when the soon to be L.M.R.O.F attempted a consolation blow job. Even after a shower I still tasted like an old tyre apparently.
(, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 11:33, 10 replies)
Attention rappers and certain South Londoners
It's "ask". "ASK". "A-S-K".

Not "aks". An aks, or as it is correctly spelled, an axe, is something you use to chop wood.

And whilst I have your attention; the phrase you've been looking for is "I am going to" and not "I'mma". It is not "uncool" to aspire to do well at school.
(, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 11:15, 28 replies)
Am I in?
"Am I in?"
"I don't know."
"No I'm not, I'm just shagging your thigh."
"I couldn't tell the difference."
(, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 11:07, 1 reply)
There is no plural of the word for the currency Euro
It is 'the Euro', for example:

You have 15 Euro in you pocket.....
That costs 99 Euro.......
We exchange Sterling to Euro.....

Not, as I constantly see in shop windows:

EUROS AVAILABLE HERE!!!!!
(, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 10:58, 18 replies)
Credit Cards
Before last Christmas I had to do some shopping for the family and had a Student Loan to play with. The Account I created for it came with a Credit Card, which I thought was linked to the Account and the only way to get into my overdraft. Cue a big bill for the New Year with added interest. And what I'm doing at University? Business Studies. :(
(, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 10:13, 1 reply)
I'm doing it wrong by
waking up late and not going to work.

But fuck it I'll deal with it tomorrow.
(, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 9:53, Reply)
I wanna be..
I used to put on condoms inside out.
(, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 1:17, Reply)
How not to pull
While in Lisbon, I kept walking into doors. The reason is that they had signs on them saying puxe, roughly pronounced "pusha".

Unfortunately, puxe means "pull". And however many times I got it wrong, I could never remember whether I'd pushed or pulled on the previous occasion.
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 21:13, 3 replies)
Just today, on the train with the girlfriend
Upon seeing a poster for the new Seth Lakeman album, I said, "Do you think Seth Lakeman's related to Rick Wakeman?"
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 20:54, 18 replies)
Door spring confusion.
I used to work with a guy who, when he was about 5 years old, was in a shop with his Mum. While she was busy chatting to a friend he was engrossed in watching the big door spring that made the door close after each person went through it.

Curious to know what this thing was called he tugged at his Mum's sleeve to try and ask her. Mum, busily nattering to said friend, ignored the child. This went on for a short while until she somewhat testily asked him what he wanted. At this precise moment a woman walked through the door with a Dalmatian on a lead. Gesticulating in the general direction of the door the young boy asked, "What's that called?", to which his mother replied, "A Dalmatian."

He claims to have reached well into his 40's before he realised door springs are not called Dalmatians. How sweet!
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 20:48, 1 reply)
When I was around 20, two friends went on a trip to Asia.
Thailand, I think it was. I was the most skilled artist in the circle of friends so I was commisioned to do the farewell gift T-shirt. The payment was free beer at the farewell party, not bad at all.

The following idea had been settled upon: A cartoon character threesome with an Asian chick in the middle (at the time I knew little about anatomican drawings, so it was all very catoonish). Written above in large letters: "WE CAME HERE TO GET DISEASE!".

Oh, the good taste of it all. Puerile, sexist, probably even racist, the perfect gift in other words.

Before commencing with this tale, let it be noted that English is not my first language. Still, I felt that my command of the language was pretty good so I didn't use any dictionary or thesaurus. Let it also be noted that I'm a bit of a spelling Nazi. And now fast forward to the party.

There was a slight murmur when the T-shirts were revealed. I initially defended my position while several others in the group took the opposite stand. My spelling Nazi confidence quickly eroded and eventually I had to give in. I probably ruined the T-shirts by doing the spelling wrong. I doubt if they ever wore the garments.

It's a bit ironical how I still, 15 years later, take pride in all the tasteless qualities of the T-shirts but I cringe at my inability to get the text right. "WE CAME HERE TO GET DECEASE". Argh.
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 20:38, 3 replies)
"Photo's"
Is NOT the plural of "Photo".
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 19:54, 27 replies)
Mince (thick as?)
I used to brown mince in a bit of oil (just a flick mind) and then add all other stuff into the mix til it was all nicely done. The now ex-girlfriend came round and saw me cooking once, and practically asploded when I didn't drain the fatty oils from the mince. Having done so I then saw exactly how much crap I'd been ingesting the previous year when I ate mince about three times a week :|

I barely eat mince now, but when I do I make sure I drain it!
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 19:36, 24 replies)
Are CD's Dead?
So I caught myself just the other day looking at my new CD that I wanted to listen to and thinking, "If only there were some way I could play a CD without first ripping it into the computer." Mind you, I have no less than 4 CD players in the house, including the stereo in the bedroom that I listen to everyday before work, and the large stereo in the living room with the DVD/CD player hooked up to it. And yes, I am still quite hooked on buying a "real" copy of albums, even if I only ever pull them out of the case the one time. Oops.
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 18:54, 5 replies)
My wife had a 'moment' yesterday...
My son had expressed an interest in watching the flying ants (at five I'd have done the same) leaving their nest.
My wife asked,
"What is it with this day? Where do they come from?"
When I explained that they were the queens, leaving to start a fresh life she was shocked.
"I always thought flying ants were a particular breed of ant that only came out once a year!"


*disclaimer* My wife really is not that dim. At least I thought she wasn't.
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 17:54, 7 replies)
Confusing 'a crap' with 'a crab'
Well, I was very young.

At 16, in my first job, I listened attentively to a couple of colleagues describing their drunken Saturday night out.

One of them had sneaked into a shrubbery for a crap. I'd never heard the word 'crap' before and thought she said 'crab'.

For quite a while afterwards, I wondered why drunken people needed to seek out crustaceans in bushes.

Of course, some people DO catch crabs when drunk. But that's just confusing things.
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 17:18, 9 replies)
Feelin very confident after changing a foglight in my car. (length)
So when my mechanic came down to look at my wifes car to see what needed to be done for the NCT (Irish MOT) I looked him in the eye and said "I will fix the exhaust just point out the relevant pieces and I shall replace them myself". My mechanic had seen me do some fuckwitted things in my life so being all responsible said "alright". Several pieces of exhaust were pointed out (all under car). All I had to do was run my hand from beginning to end to find the leak. Simples.

So I hoisted the car onto two very large pieces of wood and put stoppers under the tyres to stop it rolling.

Confident I slide under the car. Cue confidence gone, shamefully determination stuck around. I hesitantly ask my brother to start the car and it shudders to life. Undeterred I went to put my hand into the engine to find were the exhaust started. After about three minutes I realised I knew nothing about car engines, had my hand in a running engine with many sharp dangerous moving parts and was under a running car weighing over a ton supported by two planks. Facepalm and evacuate, ring mechanic to get him to fix car.
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 16:19, 1 reply)
I sing for a hard rock band
I've been doing it since I was 13 and at every gig, inevitably, there's one or two dudes who insist that I'm doing it wrong and that they could do it better than me.

They'll come up during breaks and say things like "Hey buddy, the lyric there was 'Lord', not 'ohh'" or "That was alright, but my voice teacher has taught me how to hit that note without yelling" (hint, hint).

Then they try to tell everyone at their table. Then you see them chatting up the guitarist or the drummer (traitorous bastard) to suggest that they come up and show how it's done.

Edit: This is partially why I dislike American Idol (or whatever you call it over "there": they introduced the term "pitchy" into the lexion, so now every drunk fart thinks they're a music critic if they can say "pitchy" forty-five times in a sentence.

When I first started I used to be really intimidated. However, a friend of the guitarist gave me sage advice: "If you screw up, just 'Who' it up" (meaning do what The Who does). It changed my life and performance. As Townsend advises, "A bum note and a bead of sweat will do."

Screw 'em if they don't like it. Their girls do!
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 15:23, 15 replies)
out with business lads
last week. a few new clients, we were getting drunk, having a few funny stories.

Then the topic got onto rude jokes, everyone said theirs.... then i dropped a rape joke clanger.

at that point, everyone chose to use the toilets and make phone calls.
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 15:14, 8 replies)
I cannot believe this has not bindun...
Getting knocked out of the World Cup in the first round...

...something was done wrong...

Lenght: 3 matches. Apologies for sore subject!
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 14:45, 9 replies)
To Do List
When I'm busy, and there's too much stuff going on to keep track of, I often wait until I've actually completed a task, then write it on my list just so I can have the satisfaction of crossing it out, straight away, with a grand flourish.

Adding tasks AFTER you have completed them also keeps the list more manageable.

Makes sense when you think about it....
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 12:05, 6 replies)
Literally just did this just now
My employers have foolishly seen fit to equip all staff with an internal Instant Messenger service. Ostensibly this is in order to communicate cheaply with offshore colleagues based in India, but so far 100% of my usage of it has been winding up colleagues I could easily go and say stuff to the face of.

Moments ago, an obviously bored colleague called Laura sent me a hilarious rhyming couplet, equating my surname (Berry) to another fruit which sounds very similar. I have obviously never heard this before at all ever. It may have been a little cruel to respond with a quick'n'dirty limerick, which ran thus...

The girl's name was Laura Brown
She wore a resplendent ballgown
I fancied my luck
And said "Wanna fuck?"
Turns out the mongface had Downs

Why am I doing it wrong? She's actually really quite fit...
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 11:39, 5 replies)
Imagine a teacher tells you he always wears a condom while teaching.
Technically better than the alternative, but someone's doing their job wrong...

From:

(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 11:35, 2 replies)
I was twelve, playing in the wood across the road with some mates.
There was a dell with what can only be described as a soggy bottom. One of my friends, Ben, was poking the soggy bottom with a stick. It was the kind of summer holiday afternoon when poking some mud with a stick was the most entertaining thing we could think of.

Then I noticed the pile of wood a few yards behind us, left over from some tree felling. An idea popped into my brain. I’d pick up the biggest piece I could, throw it into the mud and splash Ben in rotting bog slime. Comedy gold.

The other two mates watched with out comment as I struggled to get the section of tree trunk hefted over my head, ran the five steps to reach Ben and launched the surprisingly heavy piece of wood. In my mind the wood passed just over Ben’s head and dropped into the mud. In reality I stoved Ben’s head in.

With a grunt, that was more air escaping from his lungs than a conscious cry he collapsed to the floor. Blood was pouring from the ugly gash in his skull. The other two guys stood routed to the spot mouths open. I knew it was a prank gone wrong, to them it looked nothing less than cold blooded murder.

The moment was broken by “What the fuck did you do that for” from Ben who’d returned from the dead. He pulled a blood soaked hand from the back of his head and stared incredulously? “Have I got blood on my jumper!”


Edit:

Yes he did, lots of blood. By the time we’d walked him the 100 yards to his house the stain reached the small of his back.

Luckily his head was more ‘scalped’ than stoved in, after stitches and an overnight stay at the hospital he was back out with us.
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 10:08, 3 replies)
I recently
tried to buy a "half return to Guildford", even though I work in London and the last time I got a train to Guildford was over 20 years ago.
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 10:00, 3 replies)

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