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come on fuck nuts, this is talk not not talk
do you remember the first person you fingered or wanked off? tell me how old you were, what they looked like? describe it to me in detail, cheers
(I helped save b3ta! mongychops handbrake?, that's not how i roll, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:20, archived)
Fucking hell I was 18 in a nightclub, there was a foam party.
Seriously what the fuck people around must've thought I've no idea.
(I helped save b3ta! I'm dreaming of a SexFace Christmas Just like the ones all filled with hoes, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:21, archived)
That you were fingering a girl?

(I helped save b3ta! WHARRGARBL, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:22, archived)
that or she was fucking wet for him

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops handbrake?, that's not how i roll, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:22, archived)
no, that he was wanking off a chapsack

(I helped save b3ta! mr horrible, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:23, archived)
I was fucking wasted, it wasn't exactly subtle
I had my hand up her skirt, on a seat, I mean bloody hell.
(I helped save b3ta! I'm dreaming of a SexFace Christmas Just like the ones all filled with hoes, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:25, archived)
I think she was pretty grim too, nice body shame about the boat race

(I helped save b3ta! I'm dreaming of a SexFace Christmas Just like the ones all filled with hoes, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:25, archived)
Jesus that was 8 years ago now :((((((((((

(I helped save b3ta! I'm dreaming of a SexFace Christmas Just like the ones all filled with hoes, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:25, archived)
Don't worry mate, another bird will come along. She wont be the last.

(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:26, archived)
Haha you cheeky cunt

(I helped save b3ta! I'm dreaming of a SexFace Christmas Just like the ones all filled with hoes, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:28, archived)
:D

(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:30, archived)
so young

(I helped save b3ta! mr horrible, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:31, archived)
is that what she said?

(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:31, archived)
your mum

(I helped save b3ta! mr horrible, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:22, archived)

my name is jacob dyer and i live in bristol. it is fantastic. i sound like barnaby bear. i like barnaby bear. one time he went to france. i went to france. but some kid burnt my neck. i didnt like it.
(I helped save b3ta! mongychops handbrake?, that's not how i roll, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:24, archived)
Hayley Norton wanked me off behind Wrose Community Centre
I had brown nylon y fronts on at the time. The first minge I touched belonged to Deborah Mackney, manky owd slag, weighs about 16 stone these days, massive nips.
(bogus official jejus was born in a stable but he wossant A horse, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:24, archived)
non of that is wank bank material, sorry

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops handbrake?, that's not how i roll, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:26, archived)
Shit, maaan
I did my best
(bogus official jejus was born in a stable but he wossant A horse, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:29, archived)
Some girl on a beach in Barcelona. She was Spanish and ginger
I can't remember more details than that.
(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:25, archived)
i fingered a bloke in a police line up
DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE DONE HERE
(I helped save b3ta! Lightguy, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:25, archived)
Did he get off
or did he end up going down?
(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:27, archived)
not really no? are you some sort of grass cunt?

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops handbrake?, that's not how i roll, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:28, archived)
snitches get stitches

(I helped save b3ta! Lightguy, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:29, archived)
Fuck his shit up.

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NINE MORE YEARS, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:09, archived)
she was up on the kitchen counter in a silver number
I slipped two fingers into each slot, and then hesitantly began to gently rub her button.
I was really getting into it and finally pressed her button so hard. It made her so hot, the smell coming from inside her reminded me of breakfast.
I remember her everytime I look at those fingers

I still love you morphy richards
(GluEid Saeed, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:28, archived)
Even though I instantly knew where this was going, I still laughed at the punchline.

(I helped save b3ta! I'm dreaming of a SexFace Christmas Just like the ones all filled with hoes, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:29, archived)
That made me laugh for two reasons.
Reason the first: It was hilarious

Reason the second: I immediately imagined what a girl called "Morphy" would look like!
(I helped save b3ta! Race Hazard, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:30, archived)
Maybe it's Morphs girlfriend...

(I helped save b3ta! Race Hazard, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:32, archived)
I didn't laugh
you're shit.
(PsychoChomp <---NO FULLSTOP, which proves I'm real, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:43, archived)

www.b3ta.com/questions/virginity/
(I helped save b3ta! The Hedgehog From Hell should be drowned like a superfluous kitten, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:32, archived)
Bird called Tara and she was gorgeous.
Think I was 15 or 16 and I had a cast on where I had broken my wrist a week or so before. Looking back on it now, there was less 'orgasm technique' and more 'removing leaves from the top of a guttering down pipe' technique.
(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:33, archived)
houston we have a hardon

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops handbrake?, that's not how i roll, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:35, archived)
I should fucking hope so.

(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:36, archived)
how old was she?

(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:39, archived)
64.

(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:39, archived)
You can't buy experience like that these days

(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:41, archived)
Definately not.
She's probably dead now.
(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:42, archived)
you can probably still knock a few out of her,
at least until the infestation and the decay of flesh sets in.
(I helped save b3ta! The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:51, archived)
You've just killed off any hornyness I can ever get from thinking of her now.
I might chat her up on facebook.
(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:03, archived)
i really don't want to imagine half of you doing something explicit.
feel free to think sexy thoughts about me though.
(I helped save b3ta! The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:34, archived)
Don't worry The Doveston you will get to experience one or both at some stage.

(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:40, archived)
least of all the people on here, would I like to imagine you spanking off someone.

(I helped save b3ta! The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:44, archived)
We could have been beautiful together spit roasting Sammi

(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:50, archived)
oh man, she's full of aids and shit,
haven't you read the stories?
(I helped save b3ta! The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:52, archived)
I'll take the head end then

(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:59, archived)
Good luck in working out which end is which.

(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:02, archived)
tickle it in the middle
1.bp.blogspot.com/_-HbIhXnhtrU/RwyfFPL2k7I/AAAAAAAAAL8/ubOI7s2PR4w/s320/FlyII5.BMP
(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:04, archived)
That looks like the worst gloryhole experience ever.

(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:05, archived)
Pffffft

(I helped save b3ta! Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:12, archived)
I'm totally imagining you filling in self-assessment tax forms

(GluEid Saeed, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:42, archived)
I was 15
She was 14, and Spanish and on a Spanish beach

We all had had a lot to drink.

There was a "pile-on" thing.. in which we groped each other.

Then we wandered off and dry-humped each other for half an hour.

Then I couldn't speak to her the next day because it turned out she was extraordinarily fat. I couldn't tell in the dark the night before.

Oh dear. I still worry about myself. Her name was Ariadna - "the spider" - and imagine she still has me in her witchy web of bad luck because I spurned her after fingering her.
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:51, archived)
how could you not tell she was fat,
were you doing it from a distance?
(I helped save b3ta! The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:54, archived)
it was pitch black
and I knew she was chubby, which was ok.. in my drunken-blindess I failed to realise she was one of the fucking chubbiest ever.. going into genuine heifer territory. really, for a 15-year old, she had layers of fat falling over themselves in places you never imagined would support fat, like her ankles.

I really should have gone accross and said some thing the next day, as it was my first sexual experience and probably one of her first, but I wasn't man enough. She was just too fat.
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:55, archived)
racist

(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:58, archived)
you massive cunt.
she probably over ate, more so, because of you.
(I helped save b3ta! The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:59, archived)
the memory haunts me
I was a massive cunt. Not behaving like a gentleman. And the stupid thing is I fear meeting her again even now.
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:04, archived)
do you want me to give her an apology fuck for you?
I have no standards.
(I helped save b3ta! The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:07, archived)
I bet she's a supermodel now. You could have had another chance, only you were such a cunt.

(I helped save b3ta! Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:03, archived)
No fat people ever get thin. Fact.

(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:04, archived)
Lies.

(I helped save b3ta! Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:11, archived)
You can't argue with science.

(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:12, archived)
I tried once.

(I helped save b3ta! The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:15, archived)
and SSG moved out.
It's just not worth arguing with science.
(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:17, archived)
oh man, I'm so depressed now.
i miss my SSG.

:((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
(I helped save b3ta! The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:19, archived)
Unless your name is Richard Littlejohn

(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:17, archived)
I've got his personal email addy.
Stupid bastard.
(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:17, archived)
I hope you sign him up for lots of liberal publications and shit and stuff

(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:20, archived)
She's not..
..I've seen recent photos through mutual friends (been going to the same place in Spain for 20-odd year) and she's still massively fat.

I still feel like a cunt though. She's not too bright either. The first of my few sexual experiences. And I had to be a cunt.

With that, I'm off to bed. Yes, I was a cunt. I don't feel good about it.
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:18, archived)
Doesn't even sound that cunty to be honest.

(I helped save b3ta! Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:21, archived)
she goes to the same beach every year,
hoping for you to return.

her revenge will be to eat you or something.
(I helped save b3ta! The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:22, archived)
She was 14 and on a Spanish beach?
Fuck off northern wifeb3ta, you massive nonce.
(I helped save b3ta! The Hedgehog From Hell should be drowned like a superfluous kitten, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:57, archived)
I added the "Spanish" bit
because the age of consent there at the time was 13.

And no idea about the "northern wifebeater" thing. Have a dim idea it's an old member. But I'm me.
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 23:59, archived)
I can't even remember most of it myself to be honest,
it just seemed like an appropriate half-remembered shit meme to resurrect at this juncture.
(I helped save b3ta! The Hedgehog From Hell should be drowned like a superfluous kitten, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:01, archived)
I can't really remember, I'm sure it was my first boyfriend, Loughlin. Stupid looking fucker.
I think he's gay now. Ha. Oh, and I was 14.
(I helped save b3ta! Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:01, archived)
It wasn't on a Spanish beach was it?

(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:07, archived)
ZING!

(I helped save b3ta! The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:09, archived)
Haha, no.
I have never been. He was 15, I believe.
(I helped save b3ta! Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:10, archived)
Admit it, you tugged off Raymond Luxury Yacht Solutions

(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:14, archived)
I'm not obese, you cunt.

(I helped save b3ta! Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:15, archived)
yeah sorry, scratch that
maybe it was a different time though
(I helped save b3ta! Derek Monte subthread killer: qu'est-ce que c'est, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:18, archived)
Not NOW.

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NINE MORE YEARS, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:19, archived)
Oh, now.

(I helped save b3ta! Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 0:24, archived)