Come on then, farty-legs.
If you were doing a bit of a L. Ron, and making up your own religion, what would you want to include in it?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:13, archived)

I'd give everyone cakes
cakes laced with love
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:14, archived)

That is a nice idea.
Where would these cakes come from? How would you finance their production?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:16, archived)

collection plate

( manolith - six seasons and a movie, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:27, archived)

my disciples would pay me and I would use the funds to furnish them with cakes or sausage rolls
or possibly a cup of tea or coffee and a bacon roll, but only before 11am as the lord commandeth
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:33, archived)

you say 'love'
do you actyually mean 'jizz'?
( manolith - six seasons and a movie, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:26, archived)

I poot castor sugar

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:34, archived)

y'know what
i believe you
( manolith - six seasons and a movie, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:37, archived)

and on the first day, the lord doth spake unto mmps "did you just crack off? forsooth! it smells like shit mixed with vom"
mmps did lower his head and spake unto the lord "I say to you nay, Lord, for whoever so should smelt it doth indeed dealt it."

and verily was the lord a dirty cunt who blamed his expulsions on others.
( mark morrisons prison shoes like a metrosexual bellend or something, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:21, archived)

I'd have God speak normal.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:22, archived)

And God said to Tim, "Alright?"
And Tim said "Yeah. Not bad. You?"
And then God was all like "Nah. Everything is well shit."
And Tim goes "I blame everyone with a user number over 30,000".
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:24, archived)

3 2
( manolith - six seasons and a movie, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:30, archived)

Fuck you, dipshit.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:30, archived)

Greasy-Dave asked God "Are you sure about all this?"
And God said "Most of it. Why? Is something wrong?"
And Greasy-Dave pleaded with god saying "Yeah, manolith is a fucking bell end".
And God explained "I was trying to make a penis for a woolly mammoth but I accidentally spilt downs syndrome on it and it went wrong. Soz about that."
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:34, archived)

That is wholly untrue.
How dare you misquote Me.
( God - smiting mortals since 4004 BC, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:36, archived)

Fuck you, dipshit.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:37, archived)

This is an outrage.

( God - smiting mortals since 4004 BC, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:38, archived)

Shit up a rope and catch cancer.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:39, archived)

fucking hell manolith, you ruined the god account :'(
I DON'T BELIEVE ANYMORE, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
( mark morrisons prison shoes like a metrosexual bellend or something, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:41, archived)

nothing to do with me, fella

( manolith - six seasons and a movie, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:43, archived)

LIAR!!!

( mark morrisons prison shoes like a metrosexual bellend or something, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:44, archived)

unbeliever

( manolith - six seasons and a movie, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:45, archived)

BEWARE FALSE GODS!!!!!

( mark morrisons prison shoes like a metrosexual bellend or something, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:46, archived)

fuck that, he's not a sodding chav.

( mark morrisons prison shoes like a metrosexual bellend or something, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:24, archived)

And Keith asked God "Is it alright for us to eat eggs?"
And God said "That's up to you mate. None of my business really. Eat whatever you like. I don't recommend steak tartare though. I had it once. It tasted nice, but I ended up crapping myself practically inside out. But that might just be me. You know, do whatever you like, I've got a shit newsletter to write."
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:28, archived)

Basically, I'm envisaging a newsletter based religion.
So it's easy to make amendments.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:28, archived)

god sounds like dave from popular sitcom the royal family.
I'd like god to sound like duncan ballatyne.
"Dear God, I'd like a bike for crimbo. I promise to be well good."

"let me tell you where I am here. I've been in this game a long time and the numbers just don't add up. I'm out."
( mark morrisons prison shoes like a metrosexual bellend or something, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:34, archived)

Oh man.
You could be on to something there.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:35, archived)

when i was a 'waki' college-student type
me and a friend did make up a religion. it was based on tables for some reason. it had a website and all. thinking back on it, it's all very cringeworthy
( manolith - six seasons and a movie, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:22, archived)

I had a table once that I sank three clocks into so I could call it my times table.
Had them flush with the table top, like.
So you could still use it as a table.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:26, archived)

sounds pretty good. were they set to different time zones?

( manolith - six seasons and a movie, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:27, archived)

Nah.
I just shorted out the timing circuits so they span round really fast.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:29, archived)

Batteries lasted about two days.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:30, archived)

shame

( manolith - six seasons and a movie, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:35, archived)

me and som efriends made up a religion while we were at school
we worshipped a deity called phil's dad who could play cribbage
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:28, archived)

kids, eh?
tossers
( manolith - six seasons and a movie, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:37, archived)

Paedo.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:39, archived)

you're fun today

( manolith - six seasons and a movie, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:44, archived)

Cheers man.
I am full of the joys of spring.
I wish I could have a heart attack or something and go home.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:46, archived)

DUSTIN HOFFMAN WILL SAVE YOU

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:09, archived)

zombies
chainsaws
bit of tit
everything explodes at the end
(Cabbages. Knickers. It's not got a beak, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:29, archived)

Good one.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:30, archived)

and Morgan Freeman does the voiceover

(Cabbages. Knickers. It's not got a beak, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:34, archived)

You mean like this?
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lollipop_Chainsaw
( Eddache, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:37, archived)

no morgan freeman
that does look fun though
( manolith - six seasons and a movie, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:39, archived)

There would definitely be a large fee to join

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:30, archived)

As long as at least some of it goes towards the eradication of gypsies, I think that's fair enough.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:36, archived)

One Pound Fish

( Eddache, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:36, archived)

Two Pound Beef

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:38, archived)

Three Pound Fifty

( Eddache, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:39, archived)

Two threes?
Six.
The end.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:41, archived)

Five Gold Rings

( Eddache, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:41, archived)

Faves?

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:44, archived)

Three Pound Spangolin's Anus

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:40, archived)

FREE BOOBS FOR ALL!
on another note, I'm on the bus in to work, and have discovered that my reaction to seeing someone over the age of about 25 with one of those electricity/gas top up dongle things I instantly assume they're chav scum. Admittedly the bus to work is the same bus that eventually ends up in chav central, so I'm probably right. They were fat too. Might stab em up.
( Windy Pig is a stupid cunt., Tue 8 May 2012, 10:42, archived)

did you clutch the guardian a little tighter and mutter about the country going to the dogs under your breath?

( mark morrisons prison shoes like a metrosexual bellend or something, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:44, archived)

wow you are quite a snob

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:54, archived)

Nah.
Anyone who's actually properly adult and still can't get a meter has something wrong with them. I'm with WP on this.
I've worked in the shops where these things are topped up. Over a certain age, it's only scum who have them.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:56, archived)

sure looks that way

( Windy Pig is a stupid cunt., Tue 8 May 2012, 11:01, archived)

We all are really
It's a sliding scale, but we're all snobs.
( Two Hats 9/11 still freaks my nut out to this day, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:05, archived)

Rainbow Dinosaurs

( Mu Dinofiddler, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:46, archived)

This didn't get the recognition it deserves, given that it is a wonderful concept.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:28, archived)

Some sort of nice hat

( Two Hats 9/11 still freaks my nut out to this day, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:49, archived)

don't you have enough hats?!

( manolith - six seasons and a movie, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:50, archived)

You can never have enough hats

( Two Hats 9/11 still freaks my nut out to this day, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:51, archived)

Where's my fucking bass, you beaver-disorder.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:57, archived)

Up my fat arse

( Two Hats 9/11 still freaks my nut out to this day, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:01, archived)

DAMMIT.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:03, archived)

Imma do it tomorrow morning
I'll give you a shout about dropping it round.
( Two Hats 9/11 still freaks my nut out to this day, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:04, archived)

COOL, BITCH!

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:04, archived)

I'll dig that guitar rack out
if I can be arsed
( Two Hats 9/11 still freaks my nut out to this day, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:05, archived)

That would be terribly helpful.
Thanks, old bean.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:06, archived)

Fuck off

( Two Hats 9/11 still freaks my nut out to this day, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:07, archived)

YOU are.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:08, archived)

Mandatory bacon eating

( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:50, archived)

I like bacon.
I had bacon the other day.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 10:58, archived)

It's not as good as Caramacs

( Two Hats 9/11 still freaks my nut out to this day, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:38, archived)

Couldn't someone start a pun thread?
I like pun threads.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:33, archived)

I fucking LOVE a pun thread

( Two Hats 9/11 still freaks my nut out to this day, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:35, archived)

and I just had a Caramac
well nice
( Two Hats 9/11 still freaks my nut out to this day, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:35, archived)

I got this

( Eddache, Tue 8 May 2012, 12:07, archived)