» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Sorry, but i was fed up.
It was back in high school, and my mum had died two weeks previously, and been cremated. I had only just got back, and everyone was being really nice about it, not mentioning and so forth, but occaisionally people slipped up. I was just getting used to this, when one day we were all sitting in the library, discussing a mate's plans for a house party. He then ventured "i was hopin my parents would be away for the weekend, but it looks like they'll be here" "why not have the party anyway?" chips in someone. they then lead on to many jokes about how his mum would probably just get rat arsed and fall over. everyone started on this line with "I'd have to keep my mum in the kitchen, or she'd probably shout at us all for being drunk" and so on. this went round the table, and when it got to my end, one turned to me and said "what about you?" fed up with just looking sorrowful, i cracked and piped up "i'd probably have to leave her on the shelf in case someone knocked the urn over." everyone dropped their eyes in silence, except my mate mick who actually fell off his chair laughing. It never came up again.
(Thu 22nd Apr 2004, 23:28, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

racist political correctness
My cousin Dave had filled in a job application a couple of years back, and for race, ticked "other". he received a phone call from the business in question stating that although he had ticked the box, he had neglected to fill in the field as to his actual race. Dave says, "well my mum was Mauritian and my dad was from London", to which the employer replies, "ah, so you're pigmentally challenged then?"
this prompted some rather sharp comments and a hang up of the phone.
(Fri 23rd Nov 2007, 14:52, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

hmmm....
My dad used to travel a lot, and as a result, would come home with various new recipes to try out. i have many here, but the most memorable was from my young childhood...

picture it. we're sitting around, waiting on mince n tatties (we're scottish) when dad walks in and hands us all plates. i look. i look again. it seems dad had been to spain or something. There, sitting on the plate, were whole baby octopus'. they sat, tentacles wrapped round them, glistening on the plate. The thing i recall most is my sister saying "they're looking at me....THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME! AAAAGH!" needless to say we never had that again.
(Wed 14th Jul 2004, 12:59, More)

» Shit Stories

Not me, but my cousin Dave....
Aaaah the joys of public transport.....My cousin was on the train home with some people when he was overcome with the need to use the toilet. Upon arrival, he saw a sign saying that patrons were not allowed to flush large objects. Now, he could tell at this point that he was about to unleash a massive, massive steamer, but what to do? no large objects, it said. In the end, he compromised, and took a huge, long, steaming dump on the rim of the bowl, avoiding the problem. Then, he went on his merry way back to his seat, with a smile on his lips.
(Thu 6th May 2004, 10:52, More)

» Best Comebacks

This was my friends
we are constantly accosted by hari krishnas on the street trying to get money from us. the majority of people walk away, but generally get caught. we came up with the (seemingly) ingenious plan of just confusing them. see, if, when approached, you say something like "i'm allergic to shelfish " or "oh wow, i'm jewish" they stop to think, and you can scurry away. After a while, though, my mate sean got a bit pissed off with them, and had a plan.

it was this.

the next time a "gouranga" person accosted him on the street, saying " do you know the word?" he pulled out a mini pocket bible, held it at their face at arms length and began screaming "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"

he doesn't get a lot of bother now.
(Fri 30th Apr 2004, 17:26, More)