» Down on the Farm

Bang! Oops.
My aunt and uncle have a farm in County Durham. I used to spend a lot of time there as a teenager. My uncle taught me how to handle guns and kill things because that's what a growing sociopath needs. You haven't lived until you've competed at keepie-up with my uncle, a shotgun and a wood pigeon.

As it turns out I'm a pretty good marksman (which the air force later utilised in competitions).

So there I was sitting on the gate of the grain shed. A .22 on one side and a 12 bore on the other. The .22 was for knocking off the rats that periodically raided the grain store and would be seen surfacing and running along the back wall. The 12 bore was for the pigeons and shit that depleted the crops.

A little sparrow landed in the yard and began pecking around. Nothing else was in sight to shoot so I thought I'd give it a shock. I picked up the rifle and aimed a few inches in front of it.I wasn't really paying attention and not really aiming properly or holding the gun properly.

As I squeezed the trigger urgent messages began to come from the back of my brain a little too late that I wasn't looking along a pin and v sight on a single barrel.

*Boom*. The sparrow became a cloud of feathers and gore. I hadn't braced or balanced for the kickback so I flew back off the gate and had a soft landing on a couple of bales of straw.

The broken collar bone took 6 weeks to heal.
(Tue 29th May 2012, 22:59, More)

» FIGHT!

Don't fight when drunk
Some years ago I was heading home from a quiz night with a friend and my wife. We didn't notice that a car over the road from us was occupied and were laughing and going over the events of the evening. The passenger of the car took umbrage to our merriment and came up behind us yelling all sorts of abuse. The best course of action seemed to be ignoring the drunken idiot so we continued toward out house 200 metres further on. Being ignored was a red rag to this bull and he punched my friend from behind. Spectacles went flying and while my friend was trying to find them, I decided to distract the idiot. A few words turned his attention to me.

I'm not a fighter, but I am very fit so I bounced and dodged his attacks while being watched by my two companions. Eventually the shouts of "Is someone going to call the police please?" actually registered and my 2 companions legged it to a phone (this was the mid 90's and we didn't have mobiles....if we had they'd have been filming it).

The idiot, fuelled by rage actually managed to get a blow in that sort of connected and grazed my cheek about then and started yelling at me to punch him. I duly fulfilled his wish and he went down hard... only to pop back up complaining that he hadn't been ready!

About that time his father, having been alerted by the driver of the car came along and dragged him away. I stood watching to see where they were going so that I could point the police in the right direction should they bother to show.

The idiot broke loose and came charging down the street at me with his right fist held high. I doubt even the world's worst fighter would have stood and waited for that punch so I stepped aside. He plunged through the hedge and went head first into a tree.

I'm not a fighter, but I am a first aider and this was seriously concerning since he wasn't moving. I went through the hedge and was checking his breathing and pulse rate when the father caught up. He assumed I was getting revenge and punched me on the back of the head. I turned around, and while punching him back a few times told him to call an ambulance.

At that point the police turned up.

Several hours of their time went into untangling everything.

No charges were ever brought against anyone who attacked me. The idiot wasn't just drunk, but also drugged. My single punch had broken his jaw. The trip through the bushes had broken his collar bone and removed an ear ring the hard way. At some point in the process he managed to fracture his calf bone too. The father had a black eye and a bloody mess of a nose.

I was advised that a slightly swollen cheek from a graze was possibly not the best demonstration of being attacked and that the father would press charges against *me* if I did the same against his son.

I did take pleasure in taunting them for a while though.
(Thu 14th Mar 2013, 15:47, More)

» FIGHT!

Don't defend when drunk
I converted my garage into a computer suite in 2005 to help with my consultancy work. This tends to lead to working stupid hours. October 2006 at about midnight I heard a scream from outside while debugging some code. My street is a cul-de-sac on the very edge of Leicester. Outside my house sitting on the kerb were 3 young girls. They were 16 years old-ish. As the father of a couple of girls I was a bit concerned and asked them where they were supposed to be that wasn't on my driveway.

At that point 3 lads in their 20s came out from one of the nearby houses. I asked them to not distract the girls from heading back to their sleepover'. They all got very aggressive immediately.

I backed away slowly and dialled 999 on my phone. The transcript is quite interesting to read. 1 against 3 is not an easy option and I stupidly backed down my driveway.

My wife heard what was going on and opened the front door to see 2 guys stomping on my head. When the police arrived I was awake enough to point to the source of my injuries and tney were arrested. I don't recall that bit.

Due to the maxiallory nerve damage, I will be in pain for the rest f my life.

Several months of witness intimidation including a baseball bat to my head couldn't be investigated as it could cause harm to the initial prosecution.

Bitter much?
(Thu 14th Mar 2013, 16:17, More)