» Advice from Old People

Grandad's advice

My grandad is 81, deaf as a post, refuses to wear hishearing aidand sometimes comes across as a bit mad. But actually, he does pretty well, still drives and is a bit of a ladies man.

As he is old, he thinks he can get away with giving any advice he can think of.

He once found out that my cousin was chopping and changing his job and being a general loudmouth.

My grandad rang him up and gave him some advice:

"I can tell you this because i'm your grandad, but sometimes, but your a bit of a twat."

Greatest day ever
(Sun 22nd Jun 2008, 17:10, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Smell my fingers
Imagine the scene: 3 girls, one me very overdeveloped for a 13 year old, other 2 skanks hiding inside because of rain. All of a sudden Mr. Wood my (perverted skirt lifter) english teacher comes in. Now we think crap we are going to get detention for not standing in the drizzle when a very strange event unfolds.

Teach: hello girls, what are you doing here?'

Us: errrr, looking after the pond cus' the year sixes are trying to get in it?

we point to the indoor pond and plants surrounding it.

teacher: hang on..

He runs off across the pond, jumps on a stepping stone, puts on foot in the water grabs a leaf and rubs his fingers on it...

He comes back after this jumping, running and climbing trees, we think he's about to give us some kind of plant related detention or poison

'Smell my fingers!'

Us: errr.. no thanks... (backing away slowly)

Teach: they smell of lemon..

Now is it just me or is this weird behaviour for a teacher?
(Wed 9th Nov 2005, 17:59, More)

» Housemates from hell

Rosie the seal
ahhh, been waiting for this one!

In our second year at uni we had to move out into houses and me and my mates needed one more person. So somehow my friend knew a girl called Rosie who would be willing to live with us.

She was a fat slob, leaving dirty period stained knickers on the floor of the bathroom for weeks on end, smoking in nothing but her dressing gown 4 sizes too small for her size 24 frame, leaving fat from a fry-up in a pan for 5 weeks then using it to make breakfast and setting the kitchen on fire.

The best though, was she came home after being so pissed, that when she needed the loo, she couldnt be arse to shift her lump of lard arse to the bog downstairs. So she decided to grab a pint glass and piss in that. god knows how she managed it. then she left the house for 2 weeks. we smelt something in her room, went to discover the cloudy wee, dinner plates with mould, old pants, clothes. we didnt dare move the glass.

The night she came back we heard the sound of the wee being tipped out the window to the garden. the next day the glass turned up on the sink. not cleaned or wased. Scummer!
(Sun 8th Apr 2007, 20:13, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

50p lil
Im at uni at one of the chaviest towns ever, the land of dreams, Northampton.
There is a lady of the night who frequents in the town centre, who is known as 50p Lil. she is known as 50p Lil as she will give a blow job for 50p (or a mars bar depending how desperate she is), she has propersitioned everyone of my male mates. The other day she came into the town centre and pissed on a bench, pooed in a bin and wiped her shitty arse on her hand and carried on her business. She is also known for begging in pizza hut for food whilst covered in man juice... although i havent paid her for sex, i have seen a man getting a blow job outide H&M at 2pm in the afternoon....
(Wed 25th Jan 2006, 2:33, More)

» Will you go out with me?

Young, foolish, falaraki
I was young, i was foolish,i was on an 18-30 holiday in Falaraki. I was 18, my best mate a 17 year old latent lesbian. You can imagine thecarnage we were causing, first holiday without parents, two weeks, lots of free alcohol.

Our first night out, me not very confident but made up for it by having massive breasts which always got some attention. I was still trying to be 'cool' and was wearing a pair of proper metal handcuffs.

My friend was at the bar when a strange man comes over; " My mate fancies your mate!". I thought we were back in high school again.

Two minutes later, i'm handcuffed to a 5ft 6 bloke (im 5ft 10!), we're sitting on a roof talking about leicester city. We go back to his (the boobs were on show), very pissed and did the do.

I woke up surrounded by three other blokes (asleep), wearing a school girls outfit including long socks and cuff burns. I have no idea what hotel i'm in and feeling very sick.

He walks me home, gives me is number and I think i'll never see him again.

We have now been together 5 yrs, living together and getting married.

Ahh hand cuffs
(Fri 29th Aug 2008, 16:15, More)