» Rock and Roll Stories

Rockbitch
For those who haven't heard of them, Rockbitch are a lesbian band who live in a sex commune. They play nude and perform 'entertaining' acts on each other on stage. They also encourage audience participation.

Where was I? Front fucking row. 10 minutes in, the 'stage slut' comes out, spreads her legs, and invites the front row to finger her box. Which we do.

I then relaxed and enjoyed the show. I still remember my mates legendary comment in the pub afterwards: "There's nothing more beautiful or natural in the world than 5 fit birds tonguing each other out"

Music wasn't bad either.
(Thu 29th Jun 2006, 13:53, More)

» Little Victories

More banks
About 10 years ago, I broke up with my girlfriend. Between us, we had 2 joint bank accounts, both with £500 overdrafts, and I had a £3000 loan with Lloyds that I'd taken out so we could set up house together.

I called up First Direct (who had one of the overdrafts) and explained the situation, and that I'd need to freeze the joint overdraft and make some kind of repayment arrangment - I proposed £50 a month. "No problem" the nice lady said, "I'll set you up a seperate sole account, freeze the joint account, and since Christmas is coming up (this was late November) I'll set up your account so you don't start making payments until January." Lovely and painless.

Then I called Lloyds to try and do the same with the second overdraft. Again, everything seemed fine - they didn't take the extra step of waiting until after Christmas, but they were nice about it, and froze the account. Happy, I went about my business.

Mid December, I made the first payment to Lloyds. Again, no problem, all well and good. A few weeks later, my statement came through. I was £40 worse off than I was before I paid them. To make the payment, they'd unlocked the account and applied interest and a fee for unlocking it, applying the payment, and freezing the account again. This came to about £55 in total. That had taken the account slightly over limit, which they'd charged me another £35 for.

At this point, I'd already gone through various headaches on account of the ex, and frankly, I couldn't be arsed to argue with them. So I wrote them one letter - paraphrased, but this is the gist:

Dear sir,

I notice with dismay that my recent attempt to pay £50 off my outstanding joint overdraft with yourselves has resulted in charges totalling approx £90 being applied to my account. As I'm sure you can see, this is not a sustainable approach to reducing my debt. In the interests of keeping the debt to a minimum, I will be making no more payments until we are able to reach an agreement which results in my payment actually going towards my debt.

I realise that the terms and conditions of my account allow you to take funds from my sole account to clear this debt. Therefore, please also be advised that I have transferred my salary payments to another bank. As you have previously advised me that you will only collect my loan payments from a Lloyds account, this also means that I am unable to make repayments towards my loan, since I harbour concerns that deposits into my sole account will be reappropriated to cover the fees you have charged on the joint account.

Please be advised that I am still putting your payments aside, and once we have reached an agreement, all my accounts will be brought up to date. All I am asking is that I be allowed to make the payments already agreed with yourselves without incurring higher charges than the amount I am paying in.

I look forward to hearing your proposals for how this can be achieved.

Your Sincerely

Me.

All very cordial and professional, I think you'll agree. Unfortunately, they never bothered to reply. They also stopped sending statements. Since they never replied, I never made any more repayments, and a few years later I had a nice little bit squirrelled away, which I saved until the 6 year Statute of Limitations had expired, at which point I blew the lot on drugs and hookers. Actually, it was probably beer and geek toys...I can't actually remember.
(Fri 11th Feb 2011, 17:10, More)

» Shoplifting

College Vending Machines
When I was at college, they had a shiny new coffee machine. This machine had a flap covering the little pocket where your change comes out.

It took me a matter of days to realise that, if you were to push this little flap as far back as it would go, it would jam against the back of the change chute, and block it.

This resulted in about two months of me arriving in the morning, having a coffee, and jamming the change chute as I collected my change. At the end of the day, I'd have another coffee, and pull the flap back down, releasing a whole days worth of change.

Eventually they got wise and filed down the change flap. Still, it made me an easy £50-70 a week while it lasted.
(Sun 13th Jan 2008, 12:37, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

I was 12, she was 11
Staying at her house for the first time, sharing her bed. Her stepdad had left condoms on the bedside table*

I got a hand job, she wouldn't let me go further. She then told her family that we'd had sex.

* This scares me more looking back now than it did at the time.
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 12:38, More)

» Intense Friendships

Rob
I met my best mate Rob when I worked at McD's (See last weeks QOTW, fact fans), and the amount of shit we've gotten through together has been purely incredible. Just a sample:

- My girlfriend saying she'd fucked him because she was jealous - I was spending too much time with him, not enough with her. I spent less (read: none at all) time with her after that, which freed up even more valuable pub time.

- His girlfriend completely and utterly bitch-slapping my now-ex-girlfriend for claiming to have fucked him.

- His girlfriend (same one) blaming me for their break up (on account of my having been out helping him find a replacement for a few months before), and attacking me with a knife. Between us, we dropped her like the bitch she was - cue me restraining her while about 20 police in stab vests come bursting through the front door. My response - "Thank fuck for that - I need a pint"

- Him setting me up with a complete slut he knew, only for her to see me as a 'nice guy' and not want to ruin it by shagging me on the first night as she did with any other guy. Cue a two month relationship to get into her knickers just out of sheer male stubbornness (anyone who's heard Eddie Murphy's Raw will know what I mean), only to never call her again after I finally got some.

- Spending my 21st asleep in a nightclub with Rob sitting at the table I was under, hiding me. Followed by me being tied to a lamppost outside said nightclub at kicking out time, topless with "21 Today - Suck here" and a down arrow, resulting in total nudity within about 5 minutes, plus about 6 not-too-shabby-in-my-drunken-state girls taking turns to, ahem, wish me happy birthday before the police untied me.

- Far too many nights spent stone cold sober, first ones on the dance floor before the club even got busy (and getting asked for drugs more than once because of our behaviour)

- Far too many nights spend pissed as farts at 2am, when I had to be up at 6am for work (which is the way tonight is also going)

- Countless relationships on both sides told to fuck off because they upset either the other of us or their respective girlfriend.

That's a tiny snippet of what we've been through - basically, in 10 short years, I have more history with Rob than anyone else I do or ever have known, including family, and it's an unspoken agreement that when any of us need the other, regardless of time or circumstances, we're there, no questions asked, and after the first incident above, we decided that no woman will ever come between best mates.

* your knob joke here - £10 / weeek *
(Mon 31st Jul 2006, 18:14, More)