Profile for The Lord God Almighty:
I prefer my left side.
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I prefer my left side.
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» Toilets
Brighton's best
A few years ago, I had to go to Brighton for a meeting. I parked in the railway station car park (as the meeting was only a few mins from the station). It was a cold winter morning and I was busting for a golden splosh.. so I found the toilet entrance and made my way down the stairs into this subterranean pit that was poorly lit, stank like.. well a fucking dreadful public toilet and was just all too quiet. The urinal was some distance off on the wall at the far end of khazi. As I made my way to the dimly lit porcelain wall I noted one other user, stood at the left end and judging by his motion just finishing and shaking the drips off.. so I took station at the other end and vented my swollen bladder. Resisiting that odd male occupation of taking a quick peep.. I just used my peripheral vision to take stock and realised the guy was still there… shaking off the drips. Well I put two and two together.. Brighton.. toilets.. murky.. uh oh.. he’s engaging in the delights of Onan. Now as it was just me and him in there I decided to finish up prematurely and got out of there on the hurry up, in case he decide some company in his solitary action would be better.
OK.. meeting goes ahead, many coffees enjoyed.. and it’s time to go. On the stroll up to the station.. the cold winter sea breeze hits me and I realize I need another piss. So I scurry down the forbidden steps into the toilet and stop short. There, in the left corner of the urinal is the same guy.. and by the looks of it still in action. I had been in the meeting for one and a half hours.. so that guy must have been treading water for at least an hour and forty five!!! That is true dedication. It must have been a labour of love by then. Luckily I am in control of my senses other wise I would have shaken him by the hand.. the spare non-wanking one that is..
I decided it was best to beat a retreat and relieve myself in the car in an empty bottle and add it to the Motorway Lemonade bottles along the M27.
(Tue 6th Sep 2005, 14:47, More)
Brighton's best
A few years ago, I had to go to Brighton for a meeting. I parked in the railway station car park (as the meeting was only a few mins from the station). It was a cold winter morning and I was busting for a golden splosh.. so I found the toilet entrance and made my way down the stairs into this subterranean pit that was poorly lit, stank like.. well a fucking dreadful public toilet and was just all too quiet. The urinal was some distance off on the wall at the far end of khazi. As I made my way to the dimly lit porcelain wall I noted one other user, stood at the left end and judging by his motion just finishing and shaking the drips off.. so I took station at the other end and vented my swollen bladder. Resisiting that odd male occupation of taking a quick peep.. I just used my peripheral vision to take stock and realised the guy was still there… shaking off the drips. Well I put two and two together.. Brighton.. toilets.. murky.. uh oh.. he’s engaging in the delights of Onan. Now as it was just me and him in there I decided to finish up prematurely and got out of there on the hurry up, in case he decide some company in his solitary action would be better.
OK.. meeting goes ahead, many coffees enjoyed.. and it’s time to go. On the stroll up to the station.. the cold winter sea breeze hits me and I realize I need another piss. So I scurry down the forbidden steps into the toilet and stop short. There, in the left corner of the urinal is the same guy.. and by the looks of it still in action. I had been in the meeting for one and a half hours.. so that guy must have been treading water for at least an hour and forty five!!! That is true dedication. It must have been a labour of love by then. Luckily I am in control of my senses other wise I would have shaken him by the hand.. the spare non-wanking one that is..
I decided it was best to beat a retreat and relieve myself in the car in an empty bottle and add it to the Motorway Lemonade bottles along the M27.
(Tue 6th Sep 2005, 14:47, More)
» Shit Stories
In a small retail organisation
where I used to work, we had a habit of shitting in an 'about face' style i.e. straddling the pan and facing the cistern (takes a bit of practice). The turd will flop on to the front inside of the bowl and slide down, leaving a hideous mess. Then shuffle round to another trap and do the paperwork there, so your art work in the original stall isn't spoilt.
One store had a solicitors office above it, and one Saturday, one of the guys popped up to their toilets and spattered the pan via an about face..and duly left it.. to bake on over the weekend. On Monday morning.. a very irate solicitor came storming down to ask us about the state of his toilet and what on earth had happened. The chap who had done the deed, looked him in the eyes and said "one of our customers..it was a small child I think". We got away with it..fuck knows how but we did, there is no way he believed us.
I like to think that maybe one of his secretaries was first greeted with the sight as she went to shake her lettuce after her first coffee of the morning.
(Fri 7th May 2004, 11:35, More)
In a small retail organisation
where I used to work, we had a habit of shitting in an 'about face' style i.e. straddling the pan and facing the cistern (takes a bit of practice). The turd will flop on to the front inside of the bowl and slide down, leaving a hideous mess. Then shuffle round to another trap and do the paperwork there, so your art work in the original stall isn't spoilt.
One store had a solicitors office above it, and one Saturday, one of the guys popped up to their toilets and spattered the pan via an about face..and duly left it.. to bake on over the weekend. On Monday morning.. a very irate solicitor came storming down to ask us about the state of his toilet and what on earth had happened. The chap who had done the deed, looked him in the eyes and said "one of our customers..it was a small child I think". We got away with it..fuck knows how but we did, there is no way he believed us.
I like to think that maybe one of his secretaries was first greeted with the sight as she went to shake her lettuce after her first coffee of the morning.
(Fri 7th May 2004, 11:35, More)
» Your Revenge Stories
In the same retail establisment
where the pooh hi-jinks mentioned in the previous story request were perpetrated, I was subjected to working for a drunken bombastic buffoon of an Area Manager. One morning, I had had enough of his particular tirade of mis-directed abuse and decided to make everyone a coffee.
I nipped into the kitchen, boiled the kettle and grabbed everyones specific cups. Ensuring no one was arround, I whipped of my shoes and socks and preceded to scrape every last micron of toe cheese out from under my toenails and smeared the resultant clag all around the bottom of his cup. Added the coffee..hot water and milk and gave it a good stir.
After donning the footwear again, I delivered the coffees to everyone.. and watched in total pleasure as he drank down every last drop of his.
It made me happy
(Fri 14th May 2004, 13:00, More)
In the same retail establisment
where the pooh hi-jinks mentioned in the previous story request were perpetrated, I was subjected to working for a drunken bombastic buffoon of an Area Manager. One morning, I had had enough of his particular tirade of mis-directed abuse and decided to make everyone a coffee.
I nipped into the kitchen, boiled the kettle and grabbed everyones specific cups. Ensuring no one was arround, I whipped of my shoes and socks and preceded to scrape every last micron of toe cheese out from under my toenails and smeared the resultant clag all around the bottom of his cup. Added the coffee..hot water and milk and gave it a good stir.
After donning the footwear again, I delivered the coffees to everyone.. and watched in total pleasure as he drank down every last drop of his.
It made me happy
(Fri 14th May 2004, 13:00, More)
» Urban Legends
Clint Eastwood
Being Stan Laurel's son.. oh dear I believed that for a while.. I just ran with the crowd.
(Thu 5th Jan 2006, 16:07, More)
Clint Eastwood
Being Stan Laurel's son.. oh dear I believed that for a while.. I just ran with the crowd.
(Thu 5th Jan 2006, 16:07, More)
» When animals attack...
Itchin Abbas
I've had worms (not in the biblical sense).
(Tue 7th Jun 2005, 11:42, More)
Itchin Abbas
I've had worms (not in the biblical sense).
(Tue 7th Jun 2005, 11:42, More)