» Advice from Old People

From one older person and one old person.
From one of my dad's pals just before I went to uni:

"Keep your eyes open, your chin up and your legs shut and you'll be fine."

Which amused me, since he's an absolute scoundrel.

And from my beloved granny who I miss greatly:

"You live the life you want. You have fun. Because when you get to my age (she was in her 70's at the time), all you've got are the memories. And you don't want to have to live through a boring life twice".
(Thu 19th Jun 2008, 21:53, More)

» Road Rage

From road rage to attempted treason...
In one easy step.

I used to go to university in St Andrews. In case you didn't know Prince William went there. I was there when he was there, and was less than impressed by the whole thing. I don't give a crap who he is, and was happy for him to keep out of my way.

Now I tend to drive in a way that has been described as manic. Or insane. I was hurtling along in my mini one day and he stepped out in front of me.

I crammed on the anchors, as best I could. The brakes were a bit shit, but I tend not to brake much so it generally wasn't a problem. And I didn't hit him. Because it would have scratched my paint work and the car had a limited edition paint job. But I did roll down the window and roar "Watch where the fuck you're going, you cunt!" before speeding off.

My passenger's face was white. She asked if I knew who that was. I did. I didn't care. But I did spend a week sweating it thinking that MI6 were going to have me chucked out of uni for swearing at our future king and endangering his life. Thankfully they didn't.

Note to royals and dignitaries: Step out in front of me and I will mow you down. The car I drive now is crap...
(Sun 15th Oct 2006, 21:47, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

In a word: University
All through high school I was indoctrinated. "Go to university!", they said. "You will graduate and earn much money! Did you know that starting salaries are around £20,000 a year for a graduate?"

University was the thing to be aimed for. You'd get it all! 4 years of playing around doing nothing much and drinking copiously. On graduating careers would be for the picking! And the salaries exceptional.

Now I realise this sounded all too good to be true, but they kept telling us this. Teachers, parents, careers folk, even previous school leavers. I didn't think to question it.

So in September 2001 I puttered off to uni. I was miserable. I hated the people who were there (mostly). But still I hung on, in the knowledge that without uni, I could have no career.

I graduated in 2005, several thousands of pounds in debt. And couldn't get a fecking job that didn't pay minimum wage.

I didn't have *experience*.

So several thousands of pounds and wasted hours later, I'd have been just as well fucking leaving school and getting a job.

I've still never earned £20,000 a year, although have worked in the games industry. I got that job cause I like games and not because I have a fecking degree.

University was by far and away my biggest disappointment.

P.S. My boyfriend graduates tomorrow. Congratulations sweetie...and now for the crushing disappointment.

Apologies for length, but I have to use my essay writing skills for something.
(Thu 26th Jun 2008, 18:02, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Not me but one of my customers.
I used to work with the public *shudder*

One of my more memorable customer was a very proper middle aged woman who came to the counter to ask for something.

She stood before me, resplendent in her twinset glory, and completely messed up what she was asking for. She pulled a face, and then exclaimed,

"Oh I'm sorry! I feel like I've had someone's tongue in me all day!"*

I bit my lip, and managed to serve her with a straight face. My counterpart, however, did not. He crouched on the floor behind the counter and started to silently laugh. I could see him out the corner of my eye, shoulders shaking and hand shoved in his mouth. Which made it even harder for me not to laugh. Alastair, the manager, fled to the dictionary section where he could be heard to guffaw loudly across the shop. Bunch of bastards.

However, I managed to finish the sale and send her on her merry way before collapsing behind the counter for ten minutes.

*Where I'm from at least there's a phrase that sounds not dissimilar, but it's more like, "I feel like I've got someone else's tongue"...
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 13:42, More)

» Abusing freebies

During my days as a grumpy student...
I was out of my depth when I went to uni. I was a skint little council house kid, and I somehow ended up at St Andrews. When Prince William was there. We started in the same year, so my uni was full of toffs. And it was EXPENSIVE. Like 'I wonder if I can sell a kidney so I can buy some bread' expensive.

I'd only been there a week but had discovered this when the halls fee wiped out my entire student loan. I was not a happy bunny.

So when the weekend societies fair came around, I decided to go for a nose, and scope out the crazy fuckers I'd have to spend the next four years with.

This was a very smart move.

The societies were *desperate* for students to join. And especially the political ones. I mean, there was always a chance Prince Wullie might sign up, or even one of his group of friends. So there were freebies. Oh, were there freebies...

Now, being poor, shrewd, and pissed off, I saw a plan...

On that day I joined* the Labour Party (free cookies and hot chocolate), the Conservative Party (Wine and cheese evenings. Yes! Plural!), the SNP (no food but a free cup and I do like my tea), the Lib Dem (chocolates and a balloon. Yes, I'm five...) and some other random political party (brownies. The cakes, not the small girls in uniforms).

But then I went on a rampage. I joined anything that had something I wanted, and was free. The international students society? Sure! (I'm Scottish). The Jewish Society? Why not?! (I'm agnostic).

What's worse was this was on the Saturday. I gorged myself on free sweeties and cake and had enough tat to fill my room. But I still attended the sports fair on the Sunday. And pulled the same stunt again.

And this is how, I managed to graduate the University of St Andrews, having joined (as well as I could remember) 23 societies and sports clubs. And never attending a single one.

I later told a friend of mine about this scam (she was also there) and she was shocked. I think that she's just innocent, more than I was particularly smart, but it kept my belly happy for a week!

*joining was free for a lot of the societies, as a way to lure you in. You paid for membership after your first week/year in a lot of cases.
(Fri 9th Nov 2007, 22:56, More)