» Lies Your Parents Told You

Tartan
When I was a litte kid, my mum took me and my brother to buy our first kilts.

She picked out a tartan, and told me that was our Clan tartan. Fully chuffed, I wore my kilt with pride.

Fast-forward twenty years: While preparing for our wedding, my mum phoned up to ask how it was going.

Me: "Good, Mum. Just organising the kilt hire."

Mum: "Oh, good. What tartan are you going to have?"

Me: "What do you mean? The Gordon, of course! The family tartan!"

Mum: "What are you talking about? We don't have a family tartan!"

Me (identity wailing into the depths): "What? It's Gordon. You told me it was the Gordon! We're in the Gordon clan!"

Mum: "Don't be silly, son. That just went with my dress at the time. Anyway, what about the flowers?"

Me: "whimper"

Some people on here say "I believed this until I was 7/6/9". I believed her lies until I was twenty-bloody-six!
(Fri 16th Jan 2004, 16:15, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

yes
In a drunken moment of insanity pre-breakup with the wife (and no, this wasn't the cause):

Not having had any for a while, I was browsing the 'net for "stimulating" stuff and stumbled across a site advertising "intimate massages", run from an address close by. All this while the soon-to-be-ex was staying at her mothers a few miles away...

Fuck it, I thought, and called them.

It was like ordering pizza to the house. The fella on the phone read out a list of body-types/hair-colours/nationalities, and asked me what I'd like.

"Haven't a clue, pal... first time. Just send me someone who knows newbies", I said.

The girl was duly delivered, and we sat down to do "small-talk". Having read about this stuff, I knew the thing to do was to offer her a glass of wine while we chatted.

"Oh, ok", she said, "but just the one as I've already had a few"

Then she grabbed me by the leg (realising her error), " but you're my first client tonight!".

Yeah right...

shagged her, anyway.
(Sun 22nd Jan 2006, 2:55, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

That reminds me of
I worked for a co. in Brentwood, and found a text file hidden away containing a list of stupid stuff that had happened, or been said in the company. I don't know why it was there, it just was.

One girl, whose name I can't remember, featured loads in there. She used to come out with some belters, apparently. Most of which I can't remember but this stuck in my mind:

Girl: "Raj, you studied Bio-chemistry at Uni, didn't you?"
Raj (cagily): "Yeah... why?"
Girl: "Well, it's just that I'm having a baked potato for lunch and wondered if it might taste nice with mushrooms?"
Raj: "????"

True, apparently.
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 16:10, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

I knew it was over
When every breakthrough/successful upgrade was due to dilligent team-work co-ordininated by my boss.

But every mistake was MY FAULT

Bitter? Hell, yeah!

The pay-off? Two months after I got sacked, the cunt died crashing his way-over-powered-for-a-20-year-old sports car into a lorry.

Bet that was my fault, too.
(Fri 22nd Jul 2005, 0:38, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

I've had a quick browse through
and no-one seems to have posted this, yet:

The doctor says to the man "I'm sorry, sir, but the test results have come back a tad inconclusive. Your wife could have either AIDs or Alzheimers. We're not sure which".

"Oh my God! That's awful! What should I do?"

"Take her down into the city centre and leave her there. If she finds her way back, don't shag her!"
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 16:02, More)