» My Worst Date

Hijinks with a whore
My worst date ever was last night. This is going to be quite long, for which I apologise in advance.

Last week I was fortunate enough to swap mobile numbers with a very attractive young lady in a night club. Unfortunately it turned out that she's just started on 'the game', although to her credit she was surprisingly up front about it (no, it wasn't one of those sort of 'night clubs', I know what you're thinking).

She was absolutely stunning and I've been single for ages, so I thought to myself, "It's OK, I'll try and persuade her to stop doing it, and if she won't then forget it. She says she's only just started out and it's only 2 nights a week, so she's probably only had 3 or 4 clients". Big mistake.

She texted me yesterday saying to come and pick her up from work at 10:00, and then we'd go out and hit town. Sat in the car outside the brothel for what seemed like ages but she didn't come out, and her mobile was switched off, so I eventually plucked up the courage to go and knock on the door. I asked if she was there, and the guy said "No, she's busy with a client at the moment. Come in and wait, if you want".

Sat at the bar waiting, and she came down after 10 minutes with a fat man in his 50s. She explained to me that she was the only one working that night so she had to stay later, and went straight back upstairs with the next client. I sat at the bar like an idiot until half past sodding midnight, paying £5 a time for a glass of coke, watching her going upstairs with a steady stream of customers, most of whom looked like social misfits of some sort. Some of them were even trying to get it on while they were still downstairs in the bar.

Eventually I had a reality check and realised that being single is probably better than going out with a prostitute, and I left. Just glad I never kissed her on the lips (either pair).
(Fri 22nd Oct 2004, 12:50, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

Jack Fulton = crap food
When I was a student in Sheffield I used to buy frozen sausages from Jack Fulton and eat them for most meals. You could buy a few kilos of them for next to nothing because they only contained something like 30% meat, and the little meat that was in them was a mixture of chicken, pork and beef all minced together. I put on almost 4 stone in 9 months, by which time my girlfriend had stopped sleeping with me.


(Jack Fulton is a supermarket chain in Yorkshire which is notorious for selling incredibly cheap food that has just passed its sell-by date, or is of very low quality, or has Ukrainian packaging, or all three).
(Fri 8th Oct 2004, 14:55, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Not exactly a sick joke, but...
This was told to me by a friend, who couldn't quite remember how it went, and now I can't remember how he told it to me either, so I'll have to make most of it up.

Anyway, there's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Chinaman, and it's the morning of their first day working on this building site. The gaffer is trying to decide where to put each of them, so he says, "Do any of you have any experience operating a crane?". The Englishman raises his hand, so the foreman says, "Right, I think we'll start you off on the crane, then". He turns to the Irishman and the Chinaman, "Either of you any good at building walls?". "Why, I'm a dab hand at brick-layin', so I am", says the Irishman, and off he goes. Now he has to decide where to put the Chinaman. "You look like a pretty smart fella actually, so I think I'll put you in charge of supplies".

Later in the day, the gaffer spots the Englishman and the Irishman taking their tea-break, and he goes over to speak to them. "You're doing a grand job so far lads - listen, have either of you seen the Chinaman? I've been looking for him all day". They both shake their heads, so he heads off back to his office. Just as he's getting there, the Chinaman leaps out from behind a big pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!"
(Mon 13th Sep 2004, 13:23, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-sore-arse.
(Sat 11th Sep 2004, 19:01, More)

» People with Stupid Names

Roger Brownsword
There was a law lecturer at Sheffield uni called Roger Brownsword. I'm not making it up either, try Googling for his name!

/edit There was also a Computer Science professor at Sheffield called Rod Smallwood.
(Fri 27th Aug 2004, 17:02, More)