» Pure Ignorance

"Bastard Chickens"
Years ago, I worked in Iceland, and I'll never forget the old lady who came in one day and asked in a loud voice "you got any of them bastard chickens, pet?"

She meant ready basted, of course...
(Thu 13th Jan 2005, 10:03, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

During my exams at school
I don't know if they still do this, but back in the day, if you didn't turn up for your O Levels, you were fined. I remember going into the French exam on a hot day, feeling that it was the most pointless thing ever, and that I was crap at French anyway.

I sat down, the papers were handed out, and when we were given the "you may start" signal, I turned mine over, put my name at the top, then simply wrote "fuck this shit" across the paper, and walked out.

Needless to say, I got a fail.
(Tue 24th Jul 2007, 16:28, More)

» Obscure Memorabilia

Kevin Keegan
In around 1996ish I was on a train coming home from London KX to Darlington, listening to something on my Walkman. The ticket inspector came round, and as he clipped my ticket, he asked if the walkman had a radio. I said it did, and he told me that Kevin Keegan was in 1st class, and wondered if anyone had a radio so he could hear some footie result (it was England v Italy I think). I was all, yeah, right... until I humoured him and walked back up to 1st class.. There was Kevin Keegan, my childhood hero, sitting with Gary Speed (whoever). My GOD! I remember saying "i have a radio would you like to borrow my radio" like a gibbering nutter, and he was really nice and polite, a lovely bloke. Anyhoo, the headphones were the in-ear type, and when I went back to get my walkman, and after he'd signed a seat ticket thingy for me, and after I realised what a short-arse he is, I also realised that I had some of his earwax stuck to my headphones.

Yes. I own some of Kevin Keegan's earwax.
(Sat 6th Nov 2004, 11:20, More)

» Shit Stories

I shit myself in a department store once...
It's true.

I once ate a prawn sub that had been festering on a warm desk at work all day. I had mega cramps and felt really, really ill, and when I left work, I needed to crap NOW. Fortunately, my office was near the town centre, so I nipped into House of Fraser to use their loo. I was stopped by my friend who works for Lancôme, to say hello, and I couldn't exactly say "can I go now before I shit myself" I made it up the escalator, to the toilet, and sat down. Did nothing but fart. Thanks very much.

I came out again, thanking my lucky stars I just had gas. Got near the stairs down, and a wave of cramps rippled my gut like a tsunami. I needed to go NOW again. I made it back to the toilet, and I went. And I mean, I WENT. I sat on the crapper for ages. I felt horrible. I was sitting there wondering whether it was worth trying to get home, when a couple of women came in. I stayed put, especially when one of them said, "EEEE, doesn't it smell nasty in 'ere? Have they never heard of air freshener?".

I got cleaned up after I was sure they'd left, and I went outside and phoned Mr Dominocat and asked him if he would come and pick me up in the car, because I thought I might not make it home on the bus... He said okay, and told me to wait outside the main entrance, and he would be there in 10 mins. Too long! I needed to go NOW again. I went back towards the escalators, and felt something go. I went then. And boy, did I stink. I had shit dribbling down my legs, and I felt awful. I made it to the toilet, and tried to clean myself up a bit. I sat there giving birth to something between niagara falls and a chocolate machine, when my mobile rings. Hubby says "where are you - I'm outside and parked on a yellow line" I say "I'm on the crapper" and there are chuckles from the other stalls. With tremendous rectal willpower, I made it to the car, and we go home. I have diarrhoea for about 3 days solid. Except it wasn't solid at all...
(Thu 6th May 2004, 13:43, More)

» Crazy Relatives

Great Aunt Agnes
My Grandad's spinster sister, who'd always been a bit loopy, usually descended on us at Christmas, as spinster aunts are wont to do. What made her extra special was her choice in gifts.

One year, I got two yellow dusters.
Another, I got one of those beer homebrew kits - I was about eight at the time.
She also gave my mother a packet of cigarettes - not bad, considering my mother smokes - except she'd found these ciggies in the back of a cupboard, having kept them since the end of the second world war...

She was also the worst cook I have ever met in my life. She only ever cooked things til they were hot, so potatoes, meat etc were raw. She also once made a fruit jelly using the bloody jelly that oozed out of the Sunday roast, putting a bit of red food colouring and some tinned orange slices in.

Yum...
(Wed 11th Jul 2007, 12:26, More)